'Twas the Night Before Christmas At my House

It was so late at night we had nothing to do.
And then in a twinkling I heard not a sound,
Not a reindeer or muskrat or dog at the pound.
As I covered my head and was trying to sleep,
My sister crept in with much more than a peep.
She was dressed in pajamas, all pinkish and old,
Her hair was all knotty, her teeth were like gold.
And stinky saliva she got on my cheek -
I wasn't quite happy, that's the third time this week!
Her eyes didn't twinkle, her skin didn't shine,
But she couldn't sleep, this sister of mine.
Her red little mouth was drawn in a pout,
And I knew in a second I wanted her out!
But she wouldn't leave, yes, she wanted to stay
And keep me awake to hear Santa's big sleigh.
So I clocked her and threw her back inside her bed,
Shut her door loudly and left her for dead.
And she slept all night long without waking up
And woke in the morning; on her head was a lump.
With a rub of her cheek and a scratch of her arm,
I knew in a second, she'd do me no harm.
She spoke not a word, ripping open her toys
With giggles and squelches and shoutings of joys.
And squeezing the paw of her new Bubba doll,
He gave a quick speech in his rough southern drawl.
She bounced up and down, trying to give us a holler,
I attempted to bribe her and gave her a dollar.
But I heard her exclaim as the day wrapped its fun,
"I want more stuff, goddamnit, we can't just be done!"

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through my house,
My sisters were stirring and dancing around.
The stockings were draped on the furn'ture with ease,
I swear Christmas joy spread just like a disease.
The children were shackled and sent right to bed,
With visions of coal lumps pummeling their heads.
And mom in her bath robe and dad in his shorts,
Had just settled down to watch them some sports.
When out in the hall arose such a clatter,
And Oscar the turtle hit the floor with a splatter.
Away to the tank we all flew really quick
(If you think this is funny, then you're really sick.)
The light on the floor and the water mark we saw
Gave a glint to the tip of Alexa's sharp claw.
And what to our wondering eyes did we see,
But a cat by the litter box taking a pee.
With a sure-footed step and a glance at us all,
She bounded to the point of the turtle's great fall.
More rapid than bunnies, so swiftly she swung,
She hit Oscar's head...ouch, that must've stung!
Now Rita and Katie and Nellie and Sam,
And Mommy and Daddy had a big thing of Spam.
To the top of the staircase, to the base of the house,
We all had a piece, except for one mouse.
As lint before vacuums, this Spam we sucked in;
And before long we each gained an extra big chin.
So back up to our bedrooms we sep'rately flew,

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