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The King of the Gods answers your questions.
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Archives - Z

Zeus' Favorite Music:
Q:  Zeus,

What is your favorite music of all time/modern times?

Chris Martin   Salt Lake City, UT

A:  My favorite music of all time is that of Orpheus, an individual whose music was so great that it gave him god-like powers.  He could literally make stones weep at the sound of his harp, and flowers would bloom hoping he would linger a time longer.  (I didn't include him in the composers question because it's just not fair to include a man who took music lessons from Apollo, know what I mean?)  Just to give you a clue of how beautiful his playing is, I'll tell you about his descent into the underworld.  On his wedding day, of all times, his bride Eurydice, was bitten by a venomous serpent and died.  As any man knows, there's nothing worse than getting that close to getting laid only to be denied.  Oh...yeah.  He also loved her.  Anyway, so basically he was one pissed off minstrel.  He marched straight into the underworld to get her back, playing as beautifully as he possibly could .  Hades was beside himself.  He later told me, "You know how hard it is to run Hell when damned souls are groovin' to the beat?"  Even the Erinyes, which are witches so mean they make Anne Robinson from The Weakest Link look like friggin' Pollyanna, were wet with tears.  Hades had no choice but to let her go unless he wanted hell to start looking like prime vacation real estate. So, he did, but with a condition:  Orpheus was to lead her back to the surface without looking back at her until they both reached sunlight.  To make a long story short, the second the sun hit his face, he eagerly turned around only to discover her in darkness, and thus lost her forever.  Ok.  Ok.  So he was flighty.  It doesn't change the fact that his greatest hits kicked some serious tooshie.  As for my favorite modern music, it depends on my mood.  Right now, I'm listening to the Bare Naked Ladies.

Zeus' Name:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

So. How did you get the name "Zeus" anyway?  It sounds like something that you would find in a fast food place.

Chris Martin    Salt Lake City, UT

A:  My mother gave it to me, you inconsiderate, blasphemous mortal.  Not only have you insulted my good name, you have questioned the taste of the wonderful woman who sired the King of the Gods!  You're goin' down, buddy.  A curse be upon you and your household.  From this day henceforth, any computer you use shall be flooded with spam and pop-up ads every time you connect to the internet, thus rendering you unable to surf the web or send email.  Sure, that's almost how it is already, but wait!  There's more!  Any games you install on an IBM PC will switch to a Macintosh format immediately, and vice versa.   Finally, your desktop will always show lewd pictures of scantily clad women, no matter how many times you try and change it.  Your wife's gonna love that.  Sayonara, computer boy.  Before you go off complaining about unfair treatment, let me tell ya, you really did get off easy.  Had you made fun of my friend Jehovah's name, He would have had you stoned...and I mean with big rocks, not marijuana.

Zeus rants about Jack Balls:
Ok, Jack in the Box has gone too far.  Their original Jack Antenna Ball was cute and led to some of the more amusing commercials on tv.  Now, however, they offer holiday jack balls during the different seasons and have even come out with a bunch of different baseball team Jack Balls for the sports enthusiast who can't control his buying compulsions.  It's getting sickening.  With all this in mind, here's some new Jack Ball ideas that you should (but won't) see in the future.

The Michael Jack(son) Ball:  Spontaneously changes color and comes with interchangeable noses.

The Madonna Jack Ball:  "Like a virgin, eaten for the very first time..."

The Porn Star Jack Ball:  "Oh, this burger is soooo juicy!  Oh, yes.  Oh, yes!  Oh!  Ooooooooooh!"

The Jack (Nicholson) Ball:  "You know what would go great with that burger?  Some RED RUM!  RED RUM!"

The Pusher Jack Ball:  "Come on.  One burger won't hurt you.  Try it out.  First one's free.  You'll like it."

The Britney Spears Jack Ball:  Idolizes the Madonna Jack Ball.  Comes with two inflatable parts.

The Trekkie Jack Ball:  "Live long and eat much Jack in the Box."  Has never had relations with a Jackette ball.

The Borg Jack Ball:  "Resistance is futile.  You will assimilate burgers."  Comes with metal attachments.

The Black Jack Ball:  Keeps getting eyed suspiciously by the Cop Jack Balls.

The Cop Jack Balls:  While they like food from Jack in the Box, they crave Krispy Kreme.

The WorldCom Jack Ball:  Overestimates the number of burgers sold by several billion.

The Harry Potter Jack Ball:  Comes with scar on forehead.  Thought to be evil by overzealous protestants.

The Bill Gates Jack Ball:  Plans to overtake Jack in the Box and then the world!

The Benedict Jackold Ball:  "Dude, you should try this Sourdou...Oh, screw it.  I'm going to McDonald's."

Zeus vs. Other Gods
Q:  Dear Zeus,

What could you do that no other god could do?

Jenny R.      Philadelphia pa.

A:  Here are the top three things I can do that no other god can do:

3:  Give birth without the benefit of a womb.  Athena popped out of my head, fully grown, I might add.  (and you thought your children gave you migraines...)

2:  Sleep with Hera. I bound Ixion to a fiery wheel for all eternity just for flirting with my wife. Nobody messes with my woman.

And the #1 thing I can do that no other god can do is...

Kick all the other gods' asses!

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