Don't trust earthly wisdom.  Mortals make mistakes.  If you have a question,

The King of the Gods answers your questions.
Omnipotence is cool!

Archives - S

Shania Twain
Q:  Dear Zeus,

hi can you tell me if shaniatwain is ticklish please dont let me down i live in newplymouth ohio come on you can answer that you know is shania ticklish and were in what spots and how ticklish is she

Randy Harkless   New Plymouth, Ohio

A:  It doesn't take god-like omnipotence such as mine to discern some things.  Any mortal can clearly see from your email that you're about three fries short of a happy meal.  You're wearing a belt, but it doesn't go through all the loops, if you know what I mean.  You've put on your favorite cd and pressed play, but you forgot to turn up the volume.  There's no way in hell I'm gonna tell you if Shania Twain is ticklish, thus feeding your sick delusions of a relationship with her.  For heaven's sakes, quit stalking the poor woman!  She has enough problems without some creepy, little man harassing her.  The simple fact that she filed a restraining order against you should be a pretty good hint.  My suggestion to you is to forget about Shania and go buy out every book in the self-help section of Barnes and Nobles.  Happy reading!

She's Out of his League:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

There is this really beautiful woman that comes in to the restraunt that i work. but i think she might be a little outta my league should i go for it anyway?

Matt             Springfield, illinois

A:  Let's see here...should you take a chance and ask her out with only a fraction of a chance for success, or should you let it pass and thereby have no chance whatsoever with this gorgeous example of the feminine form?  Nada.  Zero.  Zip.  Zilch.  Gee, tough choice, Matt.  Of course, your odds of success with the ladies would increase dramatically if you got an education beyond your GED and a job that pays more than minimum wage.  It might even enable you to spell restaurant correctly.

Q:  Dear Zeus,

Why do you make us where we have to sleep? Its such a bother, having to sleep everyday. Why couldn't you have made us where we regenerate on the go???

Joe     Argyle, TX

A:  Joe, Joe, Joe...finally a good question!  Yay!  Let us do the dance of joy!  All right, now the answer to your query is really very simple.  The need for sleep inspired the creation of comfortable beds.  Beds inspire women to have sex, and if you ever want to get...creative, well, no other surface will do.  In truth, it's all about getting some, but hey, what isn't?

Soilant Green:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

Is Soilant Green really people?

Josh,    Argyle, TX

A:  Kinda.  Soilant Green is actually made from people byproducts, kind of the Homo Sapian version of Vienna Sausages or Spam.  Remember, it was manufactured for the masses, cheap enough to be eaten on a daily basis.  I offer this as evidence that Soilant Green is anything but prime rib, so to speak.  When was the last time you ate a quality steak of any kind, let alone people?  That stuff is expensive!  All the good bits are sold under names like Soilant Roast or Soilant T-bone.  Hannibal Lecter's fave is Soilant Ribeye.  You can blame this problem on the Council of the Gods.  I told them over and over they shouldn't make humans so tasty, but would they listen?  Nooooo.  So, if you ever see someone leering at you from behind a bottle of A-1 sauce, I suggest you run.

Q:  Dear Zeus,

Why don't squirrels let you pet them?

Janae Hubble    Salt Lake City, UT

A:  Most squirrels are xenophobes.  They intensely fear and mistrust creatures of non-squirrel origin.  On occasion, a particularly greedy squirrel will overcome his phobia enough to eat out of someone's hand, giving the impression that it is friendly.  Not so!  The second you run out of cookie pieces to feed them, they'll turn on you.  The producers of "When Wild Animals Attack III" actually refused to use footage of a squirrel mauling because it was too graphic.  According to their spokesman, "People expect it from a bear, but seeing a cute, furry animal tear someone to shreds is just too much."

Star Trek:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

Will the new Star Trek series rock as much as I think it will?  I'm totally hyped, and I'd rather be let down now if it's going to suck, so help out here, k?

-Margie, Argyle

A:  Trekkers will find they have a love/hate relationship with the new series.  A full 75% of them feel that prequels, as a whole, amount to cinematic suicide (35% of these feel that The Phantom Menace has ruined Star Wars beyond all hope of redemption), but they're all eager for the ST saga to continue.  Another confusing message has been sent by ST: Enterprise's creators via casting.  Scott Bakula, of Quantum Leap fame, will play Captain Jonathan Archer.  What this means is that they're trying to draw out some fresh meat from Quantum's audience, because they're worried the hardcore cult fans will reject it.  Scary, huh?  Not to worry.  Bakula will do a decent job, but I do have a lightning bolt with his name on it if I hear him say, "hoo, boy" more than once.  Like most of its predecessors, Star Trek: Enterprise will be visually stunning and have a few spectacular episodes in the first season, but as a whole, will be fairly mediocre, plot-wise.  From there it will get much better, once the writers start receiving death threats from rabid Trekkies.

Q:  O Powerful and Invincible Zeus,

How come you didn't give us all super powers?  That would've been really nice, I'd really like to be able to fly or shoot lasers out of my eyes or something. What gives?

Elizabeth B.          San Diego, CA

A:  Sure, I give you superpowers, and then all your friends would want superpowers, and then all of their friends...and then it's just work, work, work.  Nah.  Besides, you mortals need superpowers like Heidi Fleiss needs an aphrodisiac.  Let's say, for argument's sake, that I gave in and endowed everyone with amazing cosmic forces.  They'd use their newfound powers to build a truly Utopian society out of their sense of self-restraint and love for mankind, right?  If you believe that, it's most likely that you buy the National Inquirer and say you're reading "the news."  Truth be told, nine out of ten people would prefer a face to face meeting with the four horsemen of the apocalypse than endure the chaos and mayhem that would ensue should you get your wish.  And people wonder why I got rid of all the genies...    :-)

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