The King of the Gods answers your questions.
Omnipotence is cool!
Archives - S
Shania Twain
Q: Dear Zeus,
hi can you tell me if shaniatwain is ticklish please dont let me down i live in newplymouth ohio come on you can answer that you know is shania ticklish and were in what spots and how ticklish is she
Randy Harkless New Plymouth, Ohio
A: It doesn't take god-like
omnipotence such as mine to discern some things. Any mortal can clearly
see from your email that you're about three fries short of a happy meal.
You're wearing a belt, but it doesn't go through all the loops, if you
know what I mean. You've put on your favorite cd and pressed play,
but you forgot to turn up the volume. There's no way in hell I'm
gonna tell you if Shania Twain is ticklish, thus feeding your sick delusions
of a relationship with her. For heaven's sakes, quit stalking the
poor woman! She has enough problems without some creepy, little man
harassing her. The simple fact that she filed a restraining order
against you should be a pretty good hint. My suggestion to you is
to forget about Shania and go buy out every book in the self-help section
of Barnes and Nobles. Happy reading!
She's Out of his League:
Q: Dear Zeus,
There is this really beautiful woman that comes in to the restraunt that i work. but i think she might be a little outta my league should i go for it anyway?
Matt Springfield, illinois
A: Let's see here...should
you take a chance and ask her out with only a fraction of a chance for
success, or should you let it pass and thereby have no chance whatsoever
with this gorgeous example of the feminine form? Nada. Zero.
Zip. Zilch. Gee, tough choice, Matt. Of course, your
odds of success with the ladies would increase dramatically if you got
an education beyond your GED and a job that pays more than minimum wage.
It might even enable you to spell restaurant correctly.
Sleep:
Q: Dear Zeus,
Why do you make us where we have to sleep? Its such a bother, having to sleep everyday. Why couldn't you have made us where we regenerate on the go???
Joe Argyle, TX
A: Joe, Joe, Joe...finally
a good question! Yay! Let us do the dance of joy! All
right, now the answer to your query is really very simple. The need
for sleep inspired the creation of comfortable beds. Beds inspire
women to have sex, and if you ever want to get...creative, well, no other
surface will do. In truth, it's all about getting some, but hey,
what isn't?
Soilant Green:
Q: Dear Zeus,
Is Soilant Green really people?
Josh, Argyle, TX
A: Kinda. Soilant Green
is actually made from people byproducts, kind of the Homo Sapian version
of Vienna Sausages or Spam. Remember, it was manufactured for the
masses, cheap enough to be eaten on a daily basis. I offer this as
evidence that Soilant Green is anything but prime rib, so to speak.
When was the last time you ate a quality steak of any kind, let alone people?
That stuff is expensive! All the good bits are sold under names like
Soilant Roast or Soilant T-bone. Hannibal Lecter's fave is Soilant
Ribeye. You can blame this problem on the Council of the Gods.
I told them over and over they shouldn't make humans so tasty, but would
they listen? Nooooo. So, if you ever see someone leering at
you from behind a bottle of A-1 sauce, I suggest you run.
Squirrels:
Q: Dear Zeus,
Why don't squirrels let you pet them?
Janae Hubble Salt Lake City, UT
A: Most squirrels are xenophobes.
They intensely fear and mistrust creatures of non-squirrel origin.
On occasion, a particularly greedy squirrel will overcome his phobia enough
to eat out of someone's hand, giving the impression that it is friendly.
Not so! The second you run out of cookie pieces to feed them, they'll
turn on you. The producers of "When Wild Animals Attack III" actually
refused to use footage of a squirrel mauling because it was too graphic.
According to their spokesman, "People expect it from a bear, but seeing
a cute, furry animal tear someone to shreds is just too much."
Star Trek:
Q: Dear Zeus,
Will the new Star Trek series rock as much as I think it will? I'm totally hyped, and I'd rather be let down now if it's going to suck, so help out here, k?
-Margie, Argyle
A: Trekkers will find they
have a love/hate relationship with the new series. A full 75% of
them feel that prequels, as a whole, amount to cinematic suicide (35% of
these feel that The Phantom Menace has ruined Star Wars beyond all hope
of redemption), but they're all eager for the ST saga to continue.
Another confusing message has been sent by ST: Enterprise's creators via
casting. Scott Bakula, of Quantum Leap fame, will play Captain Jonathan
Archer. What this means is that they're trying to draw out some fresh
meat from Quantum's audience, because they're worried the hardcore cult
fans will reject it. Scary, huh? Not to worry. Bakula
will do a decent job, but I do have a lightning bolt with his name on it
if I hear him say, "hoo, boy" more than once. Like most of its predecessors,
Star Trek: Enterprise will be visually stunning and have a few spectacular
episodes in the first season, but as a whole, will be fairly mediocre,
plot-wise. From there it will get much better, once the writers start
receiving death threats from rabid Trekkies.
Superpowers:
Q: O Powerful and Invincible
Zeus,
How come you didn't give us all super powers? That would've been really nice, I'd really like to be able to fly or shoot lasers out of my eyes or something. What gives?
Elizabeth B. San Diego, CA
A: Sure, I give you superpowers,
and then all your friends would want superpowers, and then all of their
friends...and then it's just work, work, work. Nah. Besides,
you mortals need superpowers like Heidi Fleiss needs an aphrodisiac.
Let's say, for argument's sake, that I gave in and endowed everyone with
amazing cosmic forces. They'd use their newfound powers to build
a truly Utopian society out of their sense of self-restraint and love for
mankind, right? If you believe that, it's most likely that you buy
the National Inquirer and say you're reading "the news." Truth be
told, nine out of ten people would prefer a face to face meeting with the
four horsemen of the apocalypse than endure the chaos and mayhem that would
ensue should you get your wish. And people wonder why I got rid of
all the genies... :-)
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