The King of the Gods answers your questions.
Omnipotence is cool!
Archives - R
Q: Dear Zeus,
Please reveal to us the answer to that infinite question: Does the light in the refrigerator actually go off when I close the door?
Chad Smith New York, NY
A: Yes, Chad, it does.
It's what happens afterwards that's really interesting. No sooner
does the light go off than a little disco ball descends. That's when
the microbes come out and party. They eat, drink, have sex, drink
some more and then throw up all over the place. What you thought
was mold is really microbe vomit. It sure explains that terrible
Q: Dear Zeus,
I like this guy, but I'm not sure if he likes me. Since you're all knowing, I know you know who I am, and who the guy is, so I can safely remain anonymous. And don't you be warning me off this guy so you can get with me-I know how you are with the pretty girls!
Anonymous from Anonymousville
A: Apparently, you feel my credibility is shot to Hades on this one, so I'll defer to my daughter. -Zeus
Dear, sweet girl,
Ninety percent of "Love" in the first stage of a relationship is attraction and pure sexual energy. In other words, it's lust! Let me tell you, girlfriend, you're horny, sure, but he's got it BAD for you. He doesn't like you. He LONGS for you! Remember, he IS a guy. That's the good news. Unfortunately, if you choose to hook up with him, you'll never make it past stage one. He's what I like to call homo-Erectus, if you know what I mean. Sure, he'll give you waves of never-ending pleasure, but if you want something a little deeper, you'll need more than just a well-endowed pretty boy. Forget him. The real thing is just around the corner!
Yours in Love,
Q: To your most royal Zeusness,
Why is it that when someone asks you a question and you don't know the answer they just repeat the same question several times or reword the same question as if as if repeating the question has some magical power that will make the answer pop into your head?
A: Simple. If they repeat
the same question exactly, they're assuming that you're deaf, and didn't
reply because you didn't hear their query the first time. If they
reword the sentence, they just think you're stupid and didn't understand
the vocabulary or sentence structure. Upon further rumination, would
it not be superlative to encircle yourself with homosapians who cogitate,
vis-à-vis you, in a supplementarily affirming manner?
In other words, don't you think it would be best to hang out with people
who think better of you? Hey, I was just kidding! Sheesh!
I'll put it simply--why roaches????????????
bugged by bugs in TX
A: The universe absolutely
demands balance, Yin and Yang, call it what you will. Some say, "There
must needs be opposition in all things." It's slightly annoying,
but true, and lead to the creation of the cockroach. One day, when
I was young god, and was feeling rather creative, I designed a butterfly.
Its wings were a rich shade of orange, separated by pitch black spaces,
with the edges flecked by white dots. It was beautiful, truly the
king of butterflies, so I dubbed its species the Monarch. I named
my first Monarch King Bob. Anyway, the universe went into conniptions,
because it had become a little heavy on the Yin side of things. In
other words, Yang threw a hissy fit. The results were floods, tempests,
earthquakes, and imploding stars. In order to assuage the universe,
I created the Monarch's evil opposite, the cockroach. When I named
the first roach, I decided to give him King Bob's name spelled backwards
as a testament to its corrupt nature: boB Yang was amazingly
pleased with boB and quieted down immediately. Now you know one of
the secrets of creation. For every creature that's cute or fluffy,
there's something that's ugly and scaly. Suddenly, a world with both
Sandra Bullock and Sylvester Stallone in it makes sense, huh?
Q: Dear Zeus:
When the Romans came into power, they worshiped you and the other Olympians but change your names. Your name became Jupiter, Poseidon was changed to Neptune, even your wife's name was changed. My questions are, did the Romans ever ask if you wanted to have your names changed? What are your feelings about this?
Joel in Oakland
A: Historically, the Romans
were a bunch of jingoists. They felt this need to "Romanize" the
world any way they could. That included religion and language in
general. You'll find that most people bent on changing or taking
over the world have a drive to transfigure words, names, and their meanings.
For example, do you honestly think Osama Bin Laden called the 9/11 bombing
a terrorist attack? More examples: In an attempt to make women
more culturally dominant, feminists have also called for changes in language,
objecting to even simple words like history (proposing that its meaning
is "his story") and semester (I'll let you figure this one out on your
own.) When the Romans decided to co-opt Greek religion and gradually
replace it with their own, they started by changing the names of the gods.
This really PO'd me. How would you feel if joe blow down the street
just suddenly decided that your name should be Desmond? What did
I do about it? I'll give you a hint. How big is the Roman Empire
to return to the Ask Zeus!