Perfect Man:
Q:  Dearest Zeusie-pooh,

Is the perfect man put there anywhere?  If so, what's his name, where does he live, and what are his stats?  Thank you.

Margie,   Argyle, TX

A:  Ah.  The elusive, perfect male specimen.  More women by far have frivolously wasted away their youth and beauty searching for this than even the fountain of youth.  Of course, they never found him, mostly because they never asked me.  There IS a perfect man living in the world today.  He's intelligent, well-read, funny yet manly, kind, and good with children.  Right now you're thinking, "What's the catch?  Is he gay?"  Nope.  He's so straight he makes arrows look like boomerangs.  "So he's married?"  Nuh-uh.  Single.  "WHAT'S THE CATCH?!"  Ok, ok.  He's your brother.  "!@#$%&*!@#$^&!"  tsk.  tsk.  Such language!  Your brother would never approve.
 
 

Powers of the Gods:
Q:  Mighty Zeus,

So, tell me. Do you really have massive, unexplainable powers that are omnipotent, inconceivable by mortalmen, and completely unique to you and your god-kin; or do you simply manipulate natural laws in ultra-complexways that then SEEM supernatural to ignorant men? If the latter, can anyone learn these "tricks of the trade"? Can *I* become a god by study and/or practice?

Is there some kind of tranfiguration/transmogrification that one must go through in order to become a god? Is godhood completely blood oriented? And if so, having read that many of the gods cast their "seed" all about, what are the chances that I, or someone like me, could in actuality be a latent god figure. Any information would be greatly appreciated, as godhood would greatly improve my chances of getting a date.

All of my Gratitude to the God of Gods,

Joshua - Denton, TX

A:  My powers are beyond your reckoning, puny one.  The concept that an insignificant organism such as a human can bring about his or her own divinity through education is ludicrous.  Look at the most educated and talented among you.  Stephen Hawking is brilliant for a mortal, but let's face it, god-like?  I don't think so.  He can't even talk without that fancy Speak&Spell of his.  Godhood is strictly genetic.  Dogs have puppies, people give birth to little people, and gods produce gods.  It's the way it works.  You'll be pleased to know that you are endowed with the genomes of a deity.  Technically, you are 1/342,669ths god, stemming from an unfortunate but pleasurable incident one of your ancestors had with Dionysus, the God of Wine and Reveling.  All I'll say about that party is it involved three adders, a cask of brandy, two goats, twelve togas, and a whole heap of soldiers on leave.  Anyway...your genetics are diluted to such a magnitude that as a God in the classic sense, you'd be more impotent than Bob Dole sanza Viagra.  You're pretty much like any mortal, with one notable exception.  You have a singular and unique ability that borders on god-like.  With such a talent, I have no choice but to hereby dub you Joshua, the God of Overly Verbose and Analytical Questions.  Good luck with that whole date thing.
 
 

Pronunciation:
Q:  OK Mr. All Knowing...

Why do some people say 'nucular/nuculus' instead of 'nuclear/nucleus'?  (ONE of my pet peeves--along
with 'aks' instead of 'ask' and 'foilage' instead of 'foliage')

Denise Poling (still Plano, TX)

A:  Good Lord, woman! You're living in the south!  What did you expect?  When you combine the poor educational system with the horrific inbreeding rate, it's almost surprising their utterances don't more closely resemble monkey screeches than human speech.  There are actually college professors teaching English there that pronounce the word 'poem' as 'poim'.  Poim?  What the hell is that?  What you get when you write poitry?  Now let's factor in the southern drawl.  When you get right down to it, the best definition of a drawl is "really crappy pronunciation."  Answer your question?  I thought so.
 
 

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