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Omnipotence is cool!

Archives - O

Q:  'Sup Zeus,

Why do you use the false god name Zeus- shouldn't you use the name of the true god Odin-the Allfather, Lord of Valhalla? You're just a mortal aren't you? Cowardly false idol worshiping wisule!  Sorry girlfriend showed site and was real bloody bored.

rache tracysson    Muscatine, IA

A:  You know what I find most fascinating about your question?  No, it's not that it clearly demonstrates you're an overbearing, posturing ignoramus who is completely uneducated in the area of mythology.  That's obvious to everyone.  It's that you have a girlfriend.  I mean, what the hell was going through her mind when she hooked up with you?  In the future, she'll just chalk it up to a momentary lapse of judgment that she's eager to put behind her.  As for your question, it'll be best for your future health, if you take my meaning, if you no longer confuse me (a sophisticated, good-looking Greek God) with Odin (who still owes me a large sum of Drakmas from the last time we played cards.)  I mean he's a great guy and all, but he's not exactly the sharpest crayon in the box, at least by the standards of the gods.  If it were otherwise, I can guarantee he wouldn't have ended up as God of the Nordic realms, a place so cold and inhospitable that it'll freeze your nuts off in 3.8 seconds.  It's no wonder Norse mythology is so dark.  Weather like that could even depress motivational speaker Anthony Robbins.

Q:  Dear Zeus,

Where do ogres come from?

Madison Kroll     Bunnell, FL

A:  When the mommy Ogre and the daddy Ogre are feeling especially cuddly, the daddy Ogre will...  *snicker*  You see, Ogre is actually an old Greek family name. Their surname received its monstrous connotation when they became entrenched in the mob, kind of the Greek equivalent of The Sopranos.  If you needed a small "family loan", you called on The Ogres, who were ever willing to lend a helping hand.  Of course, their interest rates were more outrageous than Dennis Rodman on his wedding day, and heaven help you if you missed a payment.  I recall that a lot of their clients had knee problems.  In the end, so many of The Ogres' clientele went missing that myths started arising that they were man-eating monsters.  Out of fear, the peasants drove them out of town and into the caves of southern Greece, where their progeny can still be found today.

Q:  Dear Zeus,

Since you're all knowing, what could you possibly do for entertainment?  Isn't everything boring?

Candace Hubble     North Salt Lake, UT

A:  How can you even ask this question, when you've watched "The Princess Bride" 137 times?  Just because you know the movie word for word doesn't mean it's not enjoyable.  In fact, you'll get a chuckle every single time you hear, "Have fun storming the castle!"  The child who goes after ants with a magnifying glass knows exactly what's going to happen, but still gets a wicked sense of satisfaction when he hears an ant go *pop*.  I mean, sure, omniscience has its drawbacks, like knowing all the sordid details of Ricky Martin's private life (ew!), but sometimes it makes events even more amusing.  For example, I knew the Y2K virus was going to amount to diddly, much like the Clinton Administration, so I laughed my butt off watching everyone stock up on canned peas and ammunition.  There's a family up in New York that bought a five year supply of Ramen noodles.  They're discovering now that if the choice ever had amounted to eating Ramen or starving to death, they'd have all been pushing up daisies, shuffling off this mortal coil, snuffed out, singing with heavenly choir, six feet under, or just plain dead, a long time ago.  Death or Ramen?  Death tastes better.

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