The King of the Gods answers your questions.
Omnipotence is cool!
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Q: Dear Zeus,
Where is a good place to download free mp3's?
amwrootbeer84 Muscatine, Ia
A: There is no good "place"
to download free MP3s. Any website that provides free MP3s that Joe
Public is actually interested in downloading is attacked by the big music
conglomerates and shut down faster than France in a world war. Once
upon a time, in the glory days of free music, Napster was to MP3 swapping
what Michael Flatley is to Lord of the Dance: everything. Even people
who were almost computer illiterate could go online and easily get their
songs of choice. It made people feel good, so good in fact, that
it has been compared to the 60's idea of free love, only with a much lower
occurrence of VD. The music industry, however, had other emotions.
(i.e.. greed) After all, in the year they sued Napster, their profit
margin had only increased from nine billion to ten billion. Poor
babies. Rallied around Metallica's battle cry of "Napster bad!",
the industry went into a suing frenzy the like of which hasn't been seen
since. (With the exception of the Florida recount scandal, of course,
but I'll save that one for later.) The result is that now, Napster
is about as valuable as real estate in the middle of Death Valley.
Now, there are still some good programs to use, like Gnutella, Aimster,
or AudioGalaxy, but it's just not quite the same. Excuse me while
I prepare a lightning bolt or two to huck in Metallica's general direction.
Q: Yo Pops,
"Why do Marines exist when all we really need is the Air Force, Navy, and Army? Cannon Fodder?"
-one of your more recent bastard childs
A: You're no son of mine,
that's for sure. Even Hercules, whose stupidity rivals that of Pauly
Shore, knows that the plural of child is children. I'm omnipotent,
boy. I know all, and that includes the whereabouts of my progeny.
As for your question, the Marines are actually a subdivision of the Army.
You see, when the Air Force came along, the Army began to have a recruiting
problem. All the cocky, arrogant s.o.b.'s wanted to go fly planes.
Despite Hollywood's depiction, these Rambo wanna-be's are the last people
the Air Force wants flying expensive machinery, for obvious reasons, and
the Army needs them. These are the sort that will charge a
bunker situated on a hill just for the glory. They may have the life
expectancy of a mayfly, but they do their job well. So, if you're
in charge, what do you do? You create propaganda to draw the prideful
into a new, supposedly elitist division. The few! The proud!
The soon to be compost!
Q: Dear God of God,
Hypothetically, let's just say that you are in an ice cream shop and three women walk in and order an ice cream cone each. You notice that they eat their treats differently; one bites her ice cream, one licks her ice cream and the third sucks on her ice cream. Which of the three women is married?
Draco, Hickville, FL.
A: Old joke you've got there,
son. Women tend to say that the one who sucks on her ice cream is
the one who's married. That's when you deliver the punchline, "It's
the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."
Actually, all of the women are married. There are a couple of tip-offs
to this fact that even mortals can understand. First, they all walked
in together. Single women and married women aren't apt to mix.
The "available" ladies usually forget their married friends pretty quickly,
since they're always too busy husband hunting themselves to pay attention
to those old friends that now make them feel extremely jealous. Second,
is the simple fact that all three of them are actually eating ice cream.
This is important because anytime single women congregate, they instinctively
form dieting support groups and say things like, "You can't eat that!
It has carbohydrates. Protein only, girl," or "A moment on the lips,
a lifetime on the hips," and other such nonsense. You know, a more
exciting question would've been: "Which woman would you prefer to be married
Meaning of Life:
Q: Dear Zeus,
What is the meaning of life?
Rachel Provo, UT
A: Why, to appease me in every
way, of course. Man was made to grovel before my magnificence, serve
my every whim, and generally kiss my immortal toosh. Duh.
Q: Dear Zeus,
What is the average wing span of a swallow?
Margie Argyle, TX
A: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU
SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS. SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU
TIT! YOUR TYPE REALLY MAKE ME PUKE, YOU VACUOUS, COFFEE-NOSED, MALODOROUS
YOU...oops wrong sketch...nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean, know
what I mean? Although your question isn't a direct quote from The
Holy Grail, it definitely bears pythonesque overtones. So, to respond
to your question in the words of King Arthur: "What do you mean?
An African or European swallow?" hehe And now for something
Q: So What's up with mosquitos, anyway? Is it some kind of blood sacrifice or something?
Celeste Salt Lake City, UT
A: Mosquitos are nature's smallest vampires.
When a skeeter bites a fly, the fly dies and you get another blood-sucking
mosquito. Sunlight doesn't kill them, but they don't like it much,
which is why so many of them come out at night. As for the reason
you itch after a mosquito bites you, well, most people are allergic to
the unnaturalness of the undead. If you ever meet a full-on zombie,
you're gonna be bathing in calamine lotion for weeks unless you're something
akin to a Marilyn Manson groupie--They've developed an immunity due to
excessive exposure. Ok. Back to mosquitos. When you get
bitten next, relax. They're not going to turn you into a vampire.
Only one individual has ever done so via mosquito. This drunk wandered
into northern Minnesota, of all places, without any insect repellent and
passed out. (FYI: The active ingredient in Deep Woods Off!
is really holy water.) Anyway, the little vamps sucked the poor ba***rd
clean dry. It was kind of like a mosquito keg party. What happened
to him? Up until a month ago, he wandered the Earth, rejected by
humans (of course) and even vampires because of his bizarre origin.
Extremely depressed, he staked himself.
Mother Doesn't Wear Underwear:
My mom gets home from work at around 5:30, and within the hour she has stripped down into her pajamas, never fails, and she never wears underwear. I can't even have friends over anymore. Why oh why?
stephanie swingle. rural, pennsylvania
A: Your mother, like most
people, is a victim of the fashion industry, which is run by the world's
most infamous masochists. Their credo is that in order for any clothing
to look good or professional, it must be more uncomfortable than getting
a colonoscopy. (This explains why most runway models have that look
on their faces that suggests they've just had a camera shoved up their
nether regions.) Your mother changes into her pajamas because she
wants to relax and be all comfy, which is perfectly understandable.
As for the underwear thing, you really don't want to know, but since you'll
persist until I tell you, here goes: Your mother's inability to wear
underwear is a physical representation of her psychosomatic need for pleasure,
stemming from your father's inability to keep her sexually satisfied.
Now, once your gag reflex quiets down a bit, here's what you should do...Offer
to buy your mother some heavy flannel pajamas if she'll agree to wear them.
Comfort and modesty combined, a win-win for you and your repressed mother!
Q: Dear Zeus,
Do you celebrate Mother's Day?
Shea Ludge Chicago, IL
A: No son has ever owed his
mother more than I do mine. Not only did she give birth to me, she
saved me from being swallowed whole by my daddy, Cronus. Thanks to
her I was able to grow up strong, stage a comeback, kick daddy's ass, and
become King of the Gods! Do I celebrate Mother's Day? I love
my mama, so absolutely! Father's Day? Eh. Not so much.
Movies (of the sucky variety):
Q: What's the worst movie ever made?
James Aver Ann Arbor, MI
A: If you'd ever seen "Spice World",
you wouldn't even have to ask. I'd rather give myself 1,000 paper
cuts and go swimming in an ocean of iodine than watch "Spice World".
Really, I'd rather put a colony of fire ants down my toga than be subjected
to the Spice Girls ever again. In fact, Hades is currently having
some poor soul watch "Spice World" in the Underworld for the rest of eternity
as punishment, and I'm going to go talk him out of it. Nobody, but
nobody, deserves that. Of course, "Joe vs. the Volcano" ranks a close
second. It could've routed "Spice World" for the number one position,
but it does have Meg Ryan in it. A movie with Meg is like a
casserole with cheese. It can't be all bad.
Q: Dear Zeus,
Are faeries, dragons, unicorns, and any other creatures associated with these, real?
Butterflygurl Muscatine, IA
A: Most all of them are (or
were) real. Sadly, natural selection took care of the unicorns.
In 1969, the last unicorn was eaten by a bridge-dwelling troll. Virginhood
lost a great deal of its desirability that day. *Note to self:
Make more unicorns.* Dragons can still be found today, although I
don't suggest you go looking for them. Those who do, never come back,
and that explains why no one thinks they exist. Most nymphs evolved
into prostitutes, most dryads became environmentalists, and most giants
now make a living playing in the NFL. With all that in mind, do I
really need to explain what happened to the faeries?
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