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King Kong Vs. Godzilla:
Q: Dear Zeus,
I don't get it. I just watched the classic movie King Kong vs. Godzilla, and it ended with King Kong winning. I mean, come on. They have about the same strength, but Godzilla has a big scaly tail, breathes fire, and shoots eye beams. How can they justify that outcome?
Curt Thomas Rockville, MD
A: Hmmmm. How can a
primate with a thyroid problem defeat the most infamous thrasher of Japanese
cities the world has ever known (besides the latest downturn in tech stocks)...You're
right. Logically, it doesn't add up. Here's my question to
you: Since when has logic had anything to do with Hollywood?
If people really wanted reality, the Disney Corporation would've bombed
years ago. What I find weird is that people like you want strict
believability with their sheer fantasy. For example, many of the
same people who accepted without question that monkeys are stunning conversationalists
in Disney's Tarzan, totally pish-poshed the scene in Mulan where the soldiers
save her, her loverboy, and her HORSE from falling to their deaths over
a cliff. "The horse is too heavy! That could never happen!"
Oh, and I suppose talking monkeys greet you every time you go to the zoo.
Criminey! Look, the producers of King Kong Vs. Godzilla were playing
to the crowd. The movie was filmed with two endings. In one,
King Kong wins. In the other, Godzilla comes out on top. Now,
guess which one was released in Japan.
Q: Dear Zeus,
I'm over here at the Presidio of Monterey learning Korean for the Air Force. What I'm wondering is: why is that the case? It's not as if North Korea could take America.
Asgeras Monterey, CA
P.S. Also, why does the Korean language suck so badly?
A: The Air Force is well known for giving
out an almost outrageous amount of medals, pins, and other awards to their
servicemen. Where are those made? Korea. In addition,
a good amount of the junk sold on base is produced there. A full
45% of the world's knickknacks and baubles come from Korea. (The
rest comes from China.) In order for the U.S. to maintain its quality
of living, which is now far removed from having the bare necessities
of life, a steady supply chain of crap like glow in the dark pens, kazoos,
balloons, and plastic Easter eggs is required. The U.S. Government
is determined to preserve the status quo at all costs, lest the people
riot because they can no longer purchase cheap, disposable cameras and
lipstick mirrors. That's why they're having you learn Korean.
To keep the peace through the negotiation of contracts for doodads, thingamabobs,
and let's not forget the doohickeys. As for the language, it is considered
a tonal language, meaning that a word produced at a low pitch has an entirely
different meaning than the same word produced at a high pitch. Most
tonal languages have an almost musical quality to them. Early Koreans,
however, had terrible singing voices. Do the math.
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