Don't trust earthly wisdom.  Mortals make mistakes.  If you have a question,

The King of the Gods answers your questions.
Omnipotence is cool!

Archives - I

Internet Provider:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

Which internet server should I choose?  I cannot get DSL or a cable connection in my area, so they're right out.  Thanks.

Margie,    TX

A:  The answer is obvious.  You should move to an area where the internet isn't referred to by the locals as "that new-fangled web thing" and sign up for a high speed connection immediately.  Since you're not going to do that, its half a pound one way, 8 ounces another.  They all blow, so go with the cheapest you can find that has unlimited access.  If it goes out of business, big whoop.  You saved money.  Move on to the next.  There are only two mistakes you can make:  1.  Signing up with supposedly free internet services that limit your hours and still manage to throw more ads at you than the NBA's entire corporate sponsorship.  Or...2.  Going over to AOL, the great online whore of Babylon, the mother of harlots and abominations of the earth, she with whom the inhabitants of the earth have been made drunk with the wine of her fornication.  The rest are kosher, so to speak.  Happy surfing.

Impressing Women:
Q:  Hello, Zeus,

What should I do when a girl I love dearly does not return my love.

Peter    Accra, Ghana

A:  Methods for impressing women vary greatly from culture to culture.  In Canada, for instance, men drink a great amount of beer, get drunk, and crush the cans on their foreheads to woo the local females.  Contrast this to the United States, where men need to give their women large amounts of beer to get them drunk.  French men find that strong body odor combined with heavy cologne is intoxicating to the French lasses.  (This explains not only their aversion to bathing, but their name for perfume and cologne as well: eau de toilette, which when translated, literally means toilet water.  Ew!)  If you were English, I'd tell you to get braces, since an Englishman with straight teeth is a rare and valuable prize.  Now, since you live in Ghana, I suggest you get a large, tribal tattoo and go dance on fiery, hot coals every chance you get.  It'll drive all the ladies crazy, you wild man, you.  This brings us to the #1 way to get a particular girl interested in you, regardless of culture:  Get a bunch of other women interested in you.  Works like a charm.

Q:  Dear Zeus,

Why am I such an indecisive person and how can I fix this annoying problem?

amwrootbeer     Muscatine, IA

A:  Like most people, your insecurities can be directly traced to a childhood event.  In other words, you can blame your parents.  Specifically, your mentally maiming incident took place while you were in Kindergarten.  That was when, for the first time ever, you dressed entirely by yourself.  You put on your favorite socks, shoes, outfit, and even your favorite hat.  Feeling like a million bucks, you were halfway out the door when your mother said, "Is that what you're wearing to school?"  Ouch!  That's gotta hurt!  From that day forward, you've felt a driving need to make absolutely perfect decisions.  Problem is, there's no such thing.  All decisions have good points and bad points, which is why you've felt paralyzed.  Sadly, there's really no escaping the python-like squeeze of indecision once engrained so deeply into your psyche.  It's like being an alcoholic.  Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.  Once a vacillator, always a vacillator.  That isn't to say you can't improve your situation.  Join a support group...and don't take all freakin' year deciding which one is right for you, either.  Sheesh!

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