Don't trust earthly wisdom.  Mortals make mistakes.  If you have a question,

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Archives - H

Q:  Zeus,

What is the secret to happiness?

Rachel Evens     Syracuse, NY

A:  Why, an endless supply of chocolate, of course.  Now, I'm not talking Sixlets or stale Hershey's bars here.  Spend a little cash and buy Godiva, Ghirardelli, or something European.  If you're really hard up, Dove chocolate will do in a pinch.  The second that sweet, tantalizing substance hits your taste buds is the moment that all your problems fade to black.  So great is the rapture of this, as of yet, uncontrolled substance, that many are immobilized for a time, their bodies writhing in a seizure of ecstasy.  Chocolate can even replace personal relationships.  It's well known that the chemical reaction chocolate causes in the brain is similar to having sex, especially in women.  As for men, well...even chocolate can't replace the internet.

Q:  Dear Zeus,

Will I ever be well?


A:  No.  Someday, in the future, you'll recover from your physical ailments, but let's face it, your mental health has alway been just so-so.  The pain you've endured has only deepened your psychological scars to the point where an entire team of therapists couldn't coax you back to sanity.  That's ok.  You can still have a brilliant and successful career as an artist...or a pan handler.  Have fun!

Q:  Oh, Mighty Zeus,

Other than being stupid, why do people use the phrase "Colder than Hell"?  Of course, I have never been there, but every literary reference I have ever come across indicates that it is anything but cold.


Candi    North Salt Lake, UT

A:  Let's take this one to the Source.   Heeeeeere's Hades!  -Zeus

We've personalized Hell for your inconvenience.  Tantalus, for example, was a glutton in life, so how better to punish him than have food and water forever within his reach, but never let him eat or drink?  Sisyphus, as his name implies, was a real wuss, so he gets to spend eternity trying to roll a huge boulder over a hill, to no avail.  I refuse to burn someone who likes the heat, so cold is most definitely an option nowadays.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go check on Rock Hudson.   He's spending eternity locked in a room with a bunch of VERY straight, naked men.    Mu ha ha ha ha ha!

Q:  Dear Zeus,

How high is high?

Matt     Coudersport PA

A:  That depends on who you're asking.  For example, if your name is or ever was Prince, Symbol Dude, The Artist formerly known as Prince, The Artist, or any freaky combination of the above, high is wearing those two foot tall platform shoes of yours to hide your *ahem* lack of stature.  If your name is King Kong (or Gheorghe Muresan) high is anything taller than the Empire State building.  Now, If people call you Luciano Pavarotti, high is singing a the C above middle C and knocking the audience out of their chairs with sheer power of your voice... oh yeah... and also your cholesterol count.  If you are or ever were a Grateful Deadhead, high is most likely a fifth of Jim Bean and a minimum of three reefers, whereas if you're a Mormon, high is guzzling a can of Mountain Dew.  (Ooooooo!  Feel the Buzzzzz!  Yeah, baby, yeah!)  As for me, I'm continually high.  Being a god is one hell of a trip.

High Heels:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

Every time my wife and I dress up to go out, we go through the same ordeal.  When she goes to put on her high heels, she swears, curses, and then insists that it was a man who created them.  Is this true?

Wayne Flits     Baldwin, MI

A:  Yes.  Leo Page, a freelance inventor in Chicago created high heels in the 1920's, but only after being pressured into it by his wife.  You may not believe it now, but Leo was a very good man.  His wife's constant, high-pitched whining about her height and the appearance of her legs would've driven most men to murder her mid-sentence.  Instead of going into Charles Manson mode, he created the first pair of stiletto heels.  His wife was thrilled, and soon became the envy of all the local women, thus starting the fashion of pain. An absurd number of women endure endless agony just to be more beautiful and popular.  If you want proof, I've got three words for you.  Hair Removal Products.  I don't care whether its the mutilating Epilady, Nad's goo 'o grief, or whatever else you may use.  Those who cause that much pain to themselves willingly are sick, sick, sick, not to mention deserving of huge doses of Prozac.  So, before you cast stones at poor Leo, think of it this way:  Yes, he created the gun, but it was women who pulled the trigger.

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