The King of the Gods answers your questions.
Omnipotence is cool!
Archives - G
Game Review of Black and White:
Q: Dear Zeus,
What do you think about the game Black and White?
A: Interesting question.
What does the King of the Gods think about a God-Sim computer game?
Honestly, I have mixed feelings. The game's target audience is adolescents.
Letting delusional youth who already think they're going to live forever
play a game where you're an immortal strikes me as a bad idea. On
the other hand, it does teach the impact of choices (whether they be positive
or negative) on the outcome. The game is centered around taking care
of and training a mystical creature to do your bidding. Slap him
around too much and do too many evil things, and you get an evil monster
who tends to eat your worshipers. Baby him too much, and when he
clashes with other creatures, he'll get his pansy butt whooped like Mike
Tyson in a championship bout. Does this game sound familiar to anyone
else? Yep. Black and White is really just an elaborate cross
between Gigapets and Pokémon. All that was missing was for
my creature, who I named Thunder, to shout out "Pikachu!" as a battle cry.
Scary, but in the final analysis, it's not all that blasphemous, and is
actually fun to the point of being addictive. I got to do all kinds
of things I wouldn't in real life. My favorite was playing catch
with my creature. "Look, Thunder," I'd say, "This human's a
non-believer. Go long!"
Getting Dates for the Weekend:
Q: Dear Zeus,
Why is it that my friends can get dates for the weekends and I can't? Is it because they are ditsy and I'm not? Maybe it's because they are more outgoing? Why can't I get a date???!!!
Jennifer Whitmore Muscatine, IA
A: What is it with you mortals?
When it comes to the matters of the heart, you all become the mental equivalent
of Rain Man. "Definitely. Definitely need a date. Yeah..."
It's especially amusing when you ask love questions to which you obviously
know the answer. Could it be because your friends are more
outgoing? Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner!
Seriously, though, that's it exactly. You know how in basketball
it's almost always the ball hog who scores the most points? Well,
it's usually that same ball hog who misses the most baskets, but he doesn't
let that stop him. Dating is like that, too. The more shots
you take, the more likely you are to score. That means being outgoing.
The downside is that you'll have more failed attempts, but big whoop.
When romance is the issue, a single hit equals victory. Wouldn't
it be great if that were the case in baseball? The Cubs might even
win the World Series.
Q: Dear Zeus~
Why is it we never hear about the LOWER oglyphics?
A: As we all know, history
is really the story of the rich, the powerful, and the famous. After
all, when was the last time you read about Joe brickmaker or Jane the serving
wench? In ancient Egyptian culture, hieroglyphics were reserved for
the ruling class: the Pharaohs, the scribes, and the priests. If
the peasants wanted anything written, they had to use loweroglyphics.
A good 97% of the peasants were illiterate, and those few who were able
to read and write were reduced to inscribing burial site obituaries that
usually went something like: Here lies Ferkwad. Died of heat stroke.
Very boring stuff, which is why you never hear about it. Only one
person ever took up the full-time study of loweroglyphics, a basically
unknown archeologist by the name of Joseph Fairbanks. In his 30 years
of research, he only found two sets of loweroglyphics that had any social
significance. The first was written by the scribe Besil and said:
lies Potuk. Died by beheading after hours of extreme torture, all
because he stuck his tongue out at the Pharaoh. Like that's fair.
The second, written by scribe Tosupe said: Here lies Besil.
Slowly tortured to death via thousands of papyrus cuts for blasphemy against
the Pharaoh. The bastard deserved everything he got. Long live
Q: Hail Zeus!
Why do all pictures of the female Gods depict them as having big asses?
A: Real Goddesses don't look
anything like those Botticelli babes you're talking about. Fact is
that neither Botticelli nor any of his fellow artists had ever met a Goddess,
so they just painted what they thought was beautiful. The
band Queen summed up that era's view with their lyrics, "Fat-bottomed girls,
you make the rockin' world go round!" They were actually considered
gorgeous. Yep, back in those days, women shaped like Monica Lewinsky
were considered pin-up model material. (If this were the case today, Clinton's
behavior would've been at least a little bit understandable.)
Now, of course, overweight women have about as much a chance of being a
beauty queen as Barry Manilow has of making another hit album. Mostly,
that's because tastes have swung to the other extreme. It's a sick,
sick world you live in where women who look like concentration camp survivors
(ie. Calista Flockhart) are worshiped for their looks. You see, actual
Goddesses aren't anorexic, and they aren't fat either. They're fit,
and thus...energetic...yeah...that's a tactful way to put it. I don't
care if he's a God or a mortal, all men love a woman with lots of...energy.
Gods and Oracles:
Q: Are you really a god? If so, how have the gods fallen so far as to rely on the net to "spread the word"?
Joe Argyle, TX
A: Joe, Joe, Joe...Dumb question
number two, buddy. Am I a god? That's like asking if
the Pope is Catholic, or if Ru Paul is gay. I am Zeus, THE
All-Powerful KING OF THE GODS, Wielder of Lighting, Lord of the
Sky, Master of Olympus, and on top of all that, I'm a damn fine cook.
Yeah. That's right. I cook. Would you believe that some
women actually doubt my perfection until I offer them some of my cheesecake?
First bite, though, and their eyes light up and they immediately join my
harem. Funny, that, but quite satisfying. As for your presumption
that my use of the net means that I have "fallen", there's no shame in
upgrading methods when the technology becomes available to the masses.
Gods have always called mortals to be our mouthpieces, so to speak (pun
intended). These mortals are usually called oracles or prophets.
The problem with sending these guys out on the street is that they have
this tendency to get put in jail, stoned to death, or shot at repeatedly,
whether it be with arrows or bullets, and all this for speaking the truth.
This makes for a pretty high turnover rate, which is inconvenient to say
the least. My latest oracle does this page. Be honest.
If you were him, which would YOU rather do, grab your soapbox and get to
preachin' or publish my wisdom on a webpage from the safety of your own
home? Careful how you answer. You never know when I may need
Guy Needs Sex Bad:
Will I ever have sex with a guy named Daniel? He needs it bad.
A: Got news for ya, Stephanie.
guys need it bad, so while your empathy does you credit, this is one worldwide
famine where you shouldn't feel obligated to feed the starving. Trust
me on this one, or you'll be traveling down the road to a town called Slutsville,
where their motto is "Come use us. Come abuse us. We like it!"
NOT a happy place. There are no flowers in Slutsville and the love
notes are always insincere. While you may see occasional bouts of
romance, devotion and intimacy are more extinct there than an elected liberal
who's effective in his public office. Forget this Daniel. He's
a con artist. The right guy is coming. When you find him, you'll
be glad you didn't give Daniel a second thought. You'll find marriage
to this guy blissful, and boy o boy will he be happy! Yeeeehaaaaaaaaaa!
Q: Dear Zeus,
Why are guys so horny?
Stephanie Salt Lake City, UT
A: Hera, here, wife
of the all-powerful, sexually potent Zeus. Man was made in the image
of God, right? Who's God? My horny, cheating husband, that's
who. So, it's not their fault. It's built in, part of the package.
Package. he he Get it? Seriously, though, even Zeusy
has trouble keeping his pants on. As a result, he has thousands of
children, and pays child support out the wazoo. Some of that dirty,
rotten philanderer's kids are actually pretty well known, like Perseus
and Hercules, but when it comes right down to it, they're still bastards,
every last one. My @!#$&@ relationship with Zeus makes most Jerry
Springer episodes look like the @#$%^& teletubbies. Would you
believe he even offered some hoe named Juturna immortality in exchange
for her maidenhood? Jerk. Why do I put up with it? Well...let's
just say that He's not called the God of Thunder for nothing.
to return to the Ask Zeus!