The King of the Gods answers your questions.
Omnipotence is cool!
Archives - E
Q: Dear Zeus,
Why are old people so annoying and isnt there anything you can do about it?
Matt bunch springfield, illinois
A: Do you mortals just spontaneously
forget to whom you're speaking? Here's a refresher: Hi.
I'm Zeus, the King of the Gods. I'd say nice to meet you, but I happen
to be older than anyone you've ever met BY SEVERAL MILLENNIA.
I suggest you start respecting your elders, boy. Your bigotry towards
geriatrics is disturbing. I'd curse you with premature aging, except
that it'll be all the more satisfying to see you gradually and naturally
lose your hair, endure health problems, and even start giving off that
"old man smell" and not be able to do anything about it. I see Viagra
and a closet full of Depends undergarments in your future. If I were
you, I'd start praying every night that I meet one of those eccentric women
that find bald heads sexy. Otherwise, you can forego that Viagra
I mentioned earlier. So, in closing, Live Long and Pro...nah.
Just Live Long.
Q: Dear Zeus,
It's time to end the debate. Is Elvis still alive?
Tara Gallegos Nashville, TN
A: As James Sheets, Elvis' coroner,
once said: "He was dead the last time I saw him." Yep.
"The King" died on his white, ceramic throne. His terrible eating
habits made him so constipated that he had an aneurysm while straining
to take a poo. What a horrible way to go. Not only that, but
having led a life of legendary debauchery, his spirit now resides in a
locked room found in the Underworld. In said room is a vast array
of perfect looking doughnuts that all taste like vomit or Drew's armpits
after calisthenics...not Drew Barrymore. Drew Carey.
So why are people always seeing Elvis? Think about it. Where
do they always report finding him? At 7-Eleven. You got it.
It's a publicity stunt! Every time you hear of an Elvis sighting,
7-Eleven scores some free advertising. Not that they need it.
Those @#*! Slurpees are more addictive than crack cocaine.
Why does my Job suck soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much, and how can I find a decent one?
A: Joe, Joe, Joe...
You remember when your teachers in school told you that there are no stupid
questions? They were dead wrong. Now, you're pretty smart for
a mortal, so take a second and think about why your question is dumb.
Don't hurt yourself. Oh, never mind. I'll just tell you.
It's stupid because you've already answered your own question. It
was looking for a "decent" position that got you into your current, low
pay, dead end, hostile work environment, right? Of course.
Almost all jobs that start out as simply "decent" end up as the kind of
work that will give you horrifying, Vietnam Syndrome-style flashbacks for
years to come. Be honest. Which would you truly like to have,
a "decent" run-of-the-mill career or a "Hot damn! They're going to
pay me for this?" kind of job? Well, you don't get the latter if
you keep your sights low. Take some time and look at ALL the careers
that can be found in the world until you find one that gives you that extra
twinge of pleasure, so to speak. Then, do whatever it takes to get
it. Not qualified? Take a class. Get a degree. I'd tell
you to brush up your résumé, but you don't even have one
yet. (hint, hint) The point is to let nothing stand in your
way. One final thought: Pretend you're a cross between Michael
Johnson and a cheetah on meth and get out of Argyle...fast. If employers
see that on your application, you're screwed.
Q: Dear Zeus,
Why is I before E except after c, and when sounding like A as in neighbor and weigh?
A: You must remember that
the same country that created the English language also created Mr. Bean,
a bad omen if ever there was one. Now take into account that in the
United States, 30% of all high school seniors have flunked a course in
English, although it is their native tongue. Are they stupider than
people who speak other languages? No, of course not. English
is terribly illogical and inconsistent. Here are but a few of many
examples: You park in a driveway, but drive in a parkway. Your
alarm clock goes off when it turns on. Pro and con are opposites,
so Congress must be the opposite of progress. (Ok. There's
some truth to that one.) Now, ponder these: There's no time
like the present to present the present. The dove dove into the bushes.
The farmland was used to produce produce. It's stuff like this that
gives English a higher number of possible puns than all other languages
combined. There are evil people out there who constantly take advantage
of this fact, like Bil Keane, the monster who draws the Family Circus comic
strip. *shudder* He's got his place reserved in the Underworld;
I can tell you that much. So why is I before E except after C, and
when sounding like A as in neighbor and weigh? It's because English
sucks, almost as bad as French. Switch to Greek now!
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