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Archives - D

Dog Heaven:
Q:  Umm i haven't really sacrificed any lambs or been on any quests or anything..but i kinda need some answers...

Where did Monty, our dog, but i suppose you know that, where is he now...oh yeah and where did Benji end up?


A:  Like humans, dogs are judged and sent to their eternal consignment.  The criteria, however, are different.  Canine worthiness is ascertained by how faithful he was in his role as man's best friend.  Your dog Monty was a good family dog, loyal, playful, and true.  As a result, he is in doggy heaven, a place of endless fields, trees, mounds of bones, piles of bacon, and bitches who are perpetually in heat.  There are even humans there whose only job is to throw balls and sticks whenever a dog wants to play fetch.  It's a great place to be a dog.  As for Benji, well, there have actually been several Benjis over the years and every last one of them that has passed on is burning in doggie hell, a barren, dark place without even a single fire hydrant.  How sad.  They all sold their souls for a piddly 35 doggy years of fame and endless amounts of premium dog food.  One of them was so selfish, greedy, and unloving that he was sentenced to the ultimate doggy horror.  He was reincarnated as a cat.

A Dog Named Zeus:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

Hello, Came across your Website, as I just adopted a Siberian Husky and named him Zeus.  Decided I would get more info on what I chose to name him.  Please help me with that.

A:  You better go invest in some lightning rods, buddy.  Without some serious groveling, you're goin' down, and I mean crashing harder than frat boys at a keg party.  Hey, I like dogs and all, but did you really  think I would be pleased that you named your slobbery pooch after me?  Ponder on this for a minute or two:  If you call someone a dog or a bitch, they're usually insulted, right?  You know it!  Since that's the case, what evil, malignant entity could possibly have possessed you to think it's a good idea to give your lowly canine the namesake of the King of the Gods, the Lord of the Sky, the All-Powerful Deity of Olympus?  Look, I'll be lenient with you, since you're, to quote Foghorn Leghorn, "about as sharp as a sack of wet mice,"  but change your dog's name, ok?  And don't call him Elvis, either.  Even your dog doesn't deserve that.

Dog Problems:
Q:  My dog's been whining a lot lately.  What does it mean when a dog whines in an almost syncopated, be-bop type of rhythm?

Fred Drake     Asheville, SC

A:  Your dog isn't whining.  He's singing, being as he has been possessed by the ghost of "Sachmo".  That's right.  The spirit of Louis Armstrong is using your dog to sing the swing.  While this may seem like a harmless novelty, believe me, your dog's gonna start picking up gigs left and right.  Pretty soon, he'll be coming home late every night, more stoned than Chris Farley in the living years, and in the company of some rather skanky b- *ahem* female dogs.  I suggest exorcism.  Don't bother with a priest.  If you want to drive out the ghost of a jazz legend, all you have to do is play a Kenny G CD.

Q:  OK Zeus-I go years, literally, without a single date, or even any signs of interest from the opposite sex.  Then out of the blue, I run into the biggest dork from my high school.  You know-the dork that even the band nerds made fun of.  He works in fast food now.  And he starts flirting with me.  So is the cosmos sitting back and laughing it's bum off right now?  Am I just a big joke to you Gods or what?  And what did I do that was so bad I deserve such punishment?  Eh?  I expect answers.

-Endofthelineformyfamilyname from Anonomousity

A:  Heaven loves and is very protective of instrumentalists.  These "band nerds" as you call them, are sheltered by powerful forces that have obviously cursed you.  Although lesser in strength than the Gods, these same forces have been proven to be wise time after time.  Due to your attitudes towards band students, I support them wholeheartedly in this matter.  If you do not appease them soon, you are doomed to a life of abject misery.  After a while, even this "dork" is going to start looking fine, and I mean with a capital F, Fiiiiiiiiiiine.  Change your attitudes now.  Better yet, take up playing the oboe.  It's the only way out.

Dorks and Instruments:  (follow-up to the Dorks question.)
Q:  OK Zeus, I've been thinking about this alot.  You said I need to learn to play the oboe to please the powers that be and release me from this curse.  But the oboe sounds like a goose that's being strangled.  Can't I play the bass or something cool like that?  And I was in acapella choir, doesn't that count for anything?


A:  No.  It doesn't.  As a choir member, you obviously felt superior to "the band nerds", or you wouldn't be in this mess in the first place, you condescending diva wanna-be.  The bass?  Not just no, but HELL NO!  This is an act of contrition, remember?  Any instrument that can even be remotely considered cool by someone just won't cut it as penance.  That means no drums, guitar, flute, keyboard, trumpet, baritone, trombone, and definitely no sax.  You can even rule out the french horn, because trekkies recognize it as the instrument that does the Star Trek: Voyager theme.  Now, playing the tuba or clarinet will score you a few points, but it'll take the oboe to bring you all the way back to ground zero.  There is another option:  Bassoon.  Take up this most humble of instruments, and by the time you play "Swanee River" at your first public recital without any mistakes, the aforementioned powerful forces will have adopted you as their long lost love-child.  It's up to you.

Dr. Laura:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

What's your opinion of Dr. Laura?

Pamela Firzone      Mexican Hat, NM

A:  The first thing you get to realize about us Gods is that nothings pisses us off more than a mortal who thinks she's God.  Let's face it, she's awfully judgmental for someone who has naked pictures of herself floating around on the net.  If she doesn't develop some humility soon, she's in for one Hades of a good smiting.

Dungeons and Dragons:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

Was Advanced Dungeons & Dragons really created by the Devil?

Ben Hubble     CA

A:  You know, there's a lady down in Arkansas who honestly and truly believes that comfy couches are of Satan.  Her reasoning is that anyone who is comfortable too quickly forgets the matters of Heaven.  Of course, most people think she's psycho...and they're right.  Dungeons & Dragons reached its popularity peak in the 80's, and yes, a handful of freaks took it too far, but that's no reason to condemn anything.  I mean just because Narcissus starved to death looking at his own reflection is no reason for the rest of us to throw out all our mirrors.  Now, let's break this game down a bit.  First, its role-playing aspect got people using their imaginations.  (heaven forbid!)  Next, it got kids using math skills.  (Gotta add up all those gold coins and experience points, you know.)  Lastly, it prepared the world's nerds for their eventual domination of the globe, led by Dungeonmaster Bill Gates.  Ok, ok, so there is a case for the whole inspired by Beelzebub thing.  Nevertheless, the game itself wasn't bad.  Look at it this way, the same people who bashed it are the ones who now lead the fight to ban the Harry Potter books by J. K. Rowling, because like D & D, they also involve magic.  Of course, they totally ignore all the wonderful lessons the books teach and the fact that they've inspired millions upon millions of children to turn off the idiot box and enjoy the written word.  Personally, I have yet to meet a god who wants his people illiterate and ignorant, but hey, I'm only omnipotent.  What do I know?

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