The King of the Gods answers your questions.
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Q: Umm i haven't really sacrificed any lambs or been on any quests or anything..but i kinda need some answers...
Where did Monty, our dog, but i suppose you know that, where is he now...oh yeah and where did Benji end up?
A: Like humans, dogs are judged
and sent to their eternal consignment. The criteria, however, are
different. Canine worthiness is ascertained by how faithful he was
in his role as man's best friend. Your dog Monty was a good family
dog, loyal, playful, and true. As a result, he is in doggy heaven,
a place of endless fields, trees, mounds of bones, piles of bacon, and
bitches who are perpetually in heat. There are even humans there
whose only job is to throw balls and sticks whenever a dog wants to play
fetch. It's a great place to be a dog. As for Benji, well,
there have actually been several Benjis over the years and every last one
of them that has passed on is burning in doggie hell, a barren, dark place
without even a single fire hydrant. How sad. They all sold
their souls for a piddly 35 doggy years of fame and endless amounts of
premium dog food. One of them was so selfish, greedy, and unloving
that he was sentenced to the ultimate doggy horror. He was reincarnated
as a cat.
A Dog Named Zeus:
Q: Dear Zeus,
Hello, Came across your Website, as I just adopted a Siberian Husky and named him Zeus. Decided I would get more info on what I chose to name him. Please help me with that.
A: You better go invest in
some lightning rods, buddy. Without some serious groveling, you're
goin' down, and I mean crashing harder than frat boys at a keg party.
Hey, I like dogs and all, but did you really think I would be pleased
that you named your slobbery pooch after me? Ponder on this for a
minute or two: If you call someone a dog or a bitch, they're usually
insulted, right? You know it! Since that's the case, what evil,
malignant entity could possibly have possessed you to think it's a good
idea to give your lowly canine the namesake of the King of the Gods,
the Lord of the Sky, the All-Powerful Deity of Olympus? Look,
I'll be lenient with you, since you're, to quote Foghorn Leghorn, "about
as sharp as a sack of wet mice," but change your dog's name, ok?
And don't call him Elvis, either. Even your dog doesn't deserve that.
Q: My dog's been whining a lot lately. What does it mean when a dog whines in an almost syncopated, be-bop type of rhythm?
Fred Drake Asheville, SC
A: Your dog isn't whining. He's
singing, being as he has been possessed by the ghost of "Sachmo".
That's right. The spirit of Louis Armstrong is using your dog to
sing the swing. While this may seem like a harmless novelty, believe
me, your dog's gonna start picking up gigs left and right. Pretty
soon, he'll be coming home late every night, more stoned than Chris Farley
in the living years, and in the company of some rather skanky b- *ahem*
female dogs. I suggest exorcism. Don't bother with a priest.
If you want to drive out the ghost of a jazz legend, all you have to do
is play a Kenny G CD.
Q: OK Zeus-I go years, literally, without a single date, or even any signs of interest from the opposite sex. Then out of the blue, I run into the biggest dork from my high school. You know-the dork that even the band nerds made fun of. He works in fast food now. And he starts flirting with me. So is the cosmos sitting back and laughing it's bum off right now? Am I just a big joke to you Gods or what? And what did I do that was so bad I deserve such punishment? Eh? I expect answers.
-Endofthelineformyfamilyname from Anonomousity
A: Heaven loves and is very
protective of instrumentalists. These "band nerds" as you call them,
are sheltered by powerful forces that have obviously cursed you.
Although lesser in strength than the Gods, these same forces have been
proven to be wise time after time. Due to your attitudes towards
band students, I support them wholeheartedly in this matter. If you
do not appease them soon, you are doomed to a life of abject misery.
After a while, even this "dork" is going to start looking fine, and I mean
with a capital F, Fiiiiiiiiiiine. Change your attitudes now.
Better yet, take up playing the oboe. It's the only way out.
Dorks and Instruments: (follow-up
to the Dorks question.)
Q: OK Zeus, I've been thinking about this alot. You said I need to learn to play the oboe to please the powers that be and release me from this curse. But the oboe sounds like a goose that's being strangled. Can't I play the bass or something cool like that? And I was in acapella choir, doesn't that count for anything?
A: No. It doesn't.
As a choir member, you obviously felt superior to "the band nerds", or
you wouldn't be in this mess in the first place, you condescending diva
wanna-be. The bass? Not just no, but HELL NO! This is
an act of contrition, remember? Any instrument that can even be remotely
considered cool by someone just won't cut it as penance. That means
no drums, guitar, flute, keyboard, trumpet, baritone, trombone, and definitely
no sax. You can even rule out the french horn, because trekkies recognize
it as the instrument that does the Star Trek: Voyager theme. Now,
playing the tuba or clarinet will score you a few points, but it'll take
the oboe to bring you all the way back to ground zero. There is another
option: Bassoon. Take up this most humble of instruments, and
by the time you play "Swanee River" at your first public recital without
any mistakes, the aforementioned powerful forces will have adopted you
as their long lost love-child. It's up to you.
Q: Dear Zeus,
What's your opinion of Dr. Laura?
Pamela Firzone Mexican Hat, NM
A: The first thing you get
to realize about us Gods is that nothings pisses us off more than a mortal
who thinks she's God. Let's face it, she's awfully judgmental
for someone who has naked pictures of herself floating around on the net.
If she doesn't develop some humility soon, she's in for one Hades of a
Dungeons and Dragons:
Q: Dear Zeus,
Was Advanced Dungeons & Dragons really created by the Devil?
Ben Hubble CA
A: You know, there's a lady
down in Arkansas who honestly and truly believes that comfy couches are
of Satan. Her reasoning is that anyone who is comfortable too quickly
forgets the matters of Heaven. Of course, most people think she's
psycho...and they're right. Dungeons & Dragons reached its popularity
peak in the 80's, and yes, a handful of freaks took it too far, but that's
no reason to condemn anything. I mean just because Narcissus starved
to death looking at his own reflection is no reason for the rest of us
to throw out all our mirrors. Now, let's break this game down a bit.
First, its role-playing aspect got people using their imaginations.
(heaven forbid!) Next, it got kids using math skills. (Gotta
add up all those gold coins and experience points, you know.) Lastly,
it prepared the world's nerds for their eventual domination of the globe,
led by Dungeonmaster Bill Gates. Ok, ok, so there is a case for the
whole inspired by Beelzebub thing. Nevertheless, the game itself
wasn't bad. Look at it this way, the same people who bashed it are
the ones who now lead the fight to ban the Harry Potter books by J. K.
Rowling, because like D & D, they also involve magic. Of course,
they totally ignore all the wonderful lessons the books teach and the fact
that they've inspired millions upon millions of children to turn off the
idiot box and enjoy the written word. Personally, I have yet to meet
a god who wants his people illiterate and ignorant, but hey, I'm only omnipotent.
What do I know?
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