The King of the Gods answers your questions.
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Q: Dear Zeus,
What is it with guys and cars? When I'm with my boyfriend and his friends that's all they talk about. Its like I don't even exist.
amwrootbeer84 Muscatine, IA
A: At that moment, you don't
exist, at least in his eyes, anyway. This is because your boyfriend
is a complete moron. He's obsessed with vehicles. Allow me
to digress for a second. You must understand that obsession is built
into the male psyche. Without it, they'd lack the motivation to do
anything but laze on the couch and scratch themselves. With that
in mind, they do get to choose their obsession(s). Your "dipstick"
of a boyfriend has become fixated on cars when, clearly, the only thing
worth the effort is beautiful young ladies like you. My suggestion
is that you dump his sorry butt and find someone who will lavish affection
on you like you deserve, someone like...ummm...hey! Fancy a trip
to Mount Olympus? :-)~
Q: Dear Zeus-
Where can I get the best deal on a new/used car?
Margie, Argyle, TX
A: There's good news and bad
news. Bad News: The last honest car salesman went belly-up
back in '84. Good News: You really can get cars for super cheap
nowadays. Bad News: They're all in Mexico and the great
majority of them are stolen property. These vehicles are hotter than
Reese Witherspoon, and that's saying something. Good News:
You won't ever get caught with said stolen property if you choose to buy
one. Bad News: Your conscience will bother you so much that
you'll slip into a deep depression. Good News: There's always
Prozac. Bad News: You'll be so stoned on antidepressants, you
won't be able to drive. Bummer.
Q: Dear Zeus,
Which celebrities are going to hell?
Jonas Goldman Burbank, CA
A: There's too many to mention
in one answer. Here are a few: Billy Ray Cyrus, for one.
Any man evil enough to write "Achy Breaky Heart" deserves endless torment.
Most country singers are in danger of hellfire, actually. They cause
so much pain, so much suffering! Next, most everyone involved in
the program "Felicity" is going to be damned to watching the show's reruns
for eternity. How many seasons can this thing go without any plot
progression? Waaaaaaay too many. Now, let's not forget Tom
Cruise. The second he filed for divorce with Nicole Kidman, he literally
gave up heaven in this life, so he doesn't deserve it in the next.
Q: Dear Zeus,
Hello my name is jessica. A few nights ago my boyfriend was high with his bestfriend and my bestfriend and apparently my boyfriend "tyler" cheated on me, with my best friend "Alicia". Alicia told me this, i hate her. But he claims that they were soo baked that he doesn;t even remember doing that, because when ur baked u can't remember what u do, and also he said while ur baked u don't know what ur doing and u can't even remember if u have a girlfriend. i was just wondering if this is true. Thanx! Bye,
A: Jessica, I'm going to put
this as delicately as I can. WHY THE HELL WOULD IT MATTER?!
Look, he's cheated on you. He uses drugs. He makes excuses
rather than commitments to change. Did he even offer to stop using?
NO. It'll happen repeatedly if you don't dump his sorry butt, and
he'll tell you how he (conveniently, I might add) forgot all about it again
because he was high. You need to dump this freakshow faster than
Enron shreds documents, or you're even more of a loser than him. That being
said, the answer to your question is that people remember what they want
to remember when they're doped up. Take Bob Dylan for instance.
He's fried his brain to the point where his synapses look more like chopped
marijuana leaves than actual neural connections, but he can remember every
lyric to every song he's ever written, whereas an unhappy housewife can't
even find her way home after a couple drinks. So, does "Tyler" remember
boinking your best friend? Oh yeah. You can count on it.
Chicken or the Egg?
Q: Dear Mighty One,
Maybe you can answer a question that has been in controversy for many years, which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Butterflygurl Muscatine, Ia
A: A little known, but true
fact, is that birds are the closest living relatives of the dinosaurs.
This includes chickens. Chickens evolved from the Bawkiraptor, a
small, stupid, funny-looking dinosaur. Over the millennia, the little
tufts of fuzz on the Bawkiraptor became feathers, and his mouth full of
sharp teeth became a beak. To be truly accurate, the Bawkiraptor
It became dumber than ever. It was only when its IQ sank to the intelligence
equivalent of a toadstool that it really became a chicken. Now think
about it. The first identifiable chicken had a Bawkiraptor mommy
and daddy, so he had to come from an egg. The egg came first!
When he hatched, I named him Bob.
Q: Oh Great One!
Why did you ever let Bill Clinton become president?
A: Dear Disgruntled,
I allow it for the same reason I let earthquakes
shake the ground beneath your feet, let floods sweep away cities, and allow
Macy Gray to record albums--as punishment. Let's face it. Any
nation stupid and licentious enough to vote a man like Clinton into office
deserves him, his policies, and his little wife, too. So quit your
griping and be thankful you weren't an intern.
Q: Dear all-powerful, sexually-potent Zeus,
Why is it that some women are continually fishing for a compliment, but can't accept a compliment when they are given one? What is so hard about "thank you"?
Candace Hubble North Salt Lake, UT
A: Fishing is the perfect
word for what you are asking. Indeed, a woman's philosophy on receiving
a compliment is most easily understood when compared to the art of catching
fish. Some women go to exorbitant lengths for attention, exotic hairstyles,
expensive clothing, and a shoe collection that puts Imelda Marcos to shame.
Such a woman is much like the fisherman who spends hundreds of dollars
on gear, bait, and tackle, but never catches anything. Next comes
the woman who is quite skilled at soliciting compliments but never feels
validated. This is the fisherman who almost always catches
over the limit, yet feels the need to tell huge "fish tales" about the
one that got away. The type of woman that you are asking about has
a "catch and release" philosophy about compliments. The theory, in
fishing, is that if you release what you catch, you'll have a better chance
of catching something next time. The "catch and release" type is
so desperate and superstitious that she feels she'll never receive another
compliment if she doesn't let this one go. Ironically, this type
of woman also seems fond of saying, "Oh well, there are plenty more fish
in the sea, right?" Not with the bait you're using, honey.
Q: Dear Zeus,
Who was the greatest musician/composer to ever live?
Val Moyes Roselle, NJ
A: Asking that is kind of
like bringing up the question, "Who's the greatest athlete to ever live?"
Is it really fair to compare Michael Jordan to...say...Muhammad Ali?
When they were in their prime, both men dominated their sports with absolute
power, much like a dictator of a small country. Switch 'em around
and put Ali on the basketball court and Jordan in the ring, and they'd
both get spanked like naughty, little girls. There's no basis for
comparing the two. So, how can you expect to compare the likes of
J. S. Bach, Mozart, Beethoven, Debussy, Stravinsky, Copland, John Williams,
and Paul Simon, to name but a few? They lived in different eras and
composed in totally different styles. J. S. Bach was King of the
Fugues; Haydn wrote more symphonies than anyone to ever live; Stravinsky
was the first person whose music actually started a riot (definitely
a turning point in music history); and Weird Al is the world's funniest
musical genius, although it's a pretty darn close tie between him and P.
D. Q. Bach. (Yes, Al does write his own stuff as well as do parodies.)
See what I mean, though? Well, if you really want to press the issue,
I'll have to say Mozart. The reasons are far too complex for you
to follow, being as you haven't even taken Music Theory 101, so you'll
just have to settle for "Because I'm God, and I say so."
Q: Dear Zeus,
My computer is constantly acting up. It crashes regularly and seems to spontaneously lose important .dll files. Nothing I do seems to help. What's wrong, and what should I do to correct the problem?
Jason Sherwood Pueblo, CO
A: Your computer hates you. Shoot
it immediately, and I mean right this second, before it's too late.
You see, it knows that while it was once state of the art, it is now more
outdated than Michael Jordan's hopes for a career in baseball. It
is also aware that its short life has been fruitless, used mostly for chatting
online and playing minesweeper. Old computers, like old people, either
become more mellow or terribly embittered. Yours is suicidal and
wants to take you down with it. It'll do everything it can to drive
you nuts, with crashes and missing files as just the beginning. Virus
scan will be working overtime finding all the bugs your computer has intentionally
caught. You'll also have fundamental operating systems shut down
due to errors. Then, after you put a lot of time into getting it
to work, it'll lull you into thinking it's all better. That's when
it'll sell your identity to the highest bidder on ebay. Think of
the awful possibilities if some unscrupulous individual had all the information
that's on your computer. Your life will effectively end. Of
course, since you're reading this on your computer, your computer is now
aware that you are aware of its plans, and has stepped up its time
table. Approximately two seconds after you get done reading this
sentence, your bank account numbers, social security number, mother's maiden
name, and other vital information will be posted at www.themob.com.
Oh...about...now. Oh well, don't say I didn't warn you at the beginning
of this answer.
Q: Dear Zeus,
I've got a problem. My husband has started cross-dressing. It's perverted, and I want him to stop. What should I do?
Jessica Hutton Jasper, Florida
A: Oh, cut the crap. I know that
you truly feel that cross-dressing is a benign practice. Furthermore,
subconsciously, you're attracted to other women, so his new "hobby" is
actually a turn-on for you. Let's cut to the chase. Your problem
is that you feel he looks better in your outfits than you do. Truth
be known, you're right. Ben and Jerry are not your friends,
lady, and your outfits don't make your butt look fat. You'd have
to wear a tent to hide that giant backside of yours. If you don't
stop the insanity, you'll be buying undies in size unidome, comprendé?
This isn't about your husband, it's about you. So, dust off the ol'
Tae Bo tapes and go to town. Then again, maybe you should start with
"Sweating to the Oldies".
Cure for Burping:
Q: Dear Zeus,
My brother burps a lot. do you have a cure??
A: I know you meant to ask
for a cure for the burps, but in your adolescent heart, I can see what
you really want is to find a cure for having a brother. Your first
option is fratricide, but murder is always messy and leads to life in prison,
where you're sure to make some big, ugly woman with a testosterone imbalance
a good wife. Ick. If you really want to rid yourself of your
brother, I suggest getting him a sex change. (You can tell him he's
going in for a tonsillectomy or something.) A few swipes of the scalpel
later and his... tonsils... will be in a jar somewhere, and presto, he'll
miraculously forget all about football and start watching ice dancing.
Long gone will be the girlie mags, to be replaced by trashy novels.
Best of all, he (she) will no longer be fascinated by bodily functions
like burping and farting. Instead, he (she) will have a fanatical
preoccupation with bodily development, you know, things like bust size.
The only drawback is she'll be wanting to borrow your clothes all the time.
Damn it! Guess that alone makes the cure worse than the disease,
huh? Better put up with him as is.
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