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Archives - C

Car Fixations:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

What is it with guys and cars?  When I'm with my boyfriend and his friends that's all they talk about.  Its like I don't even exist.

amwrootbeer84      Muscatine, IA

A:  At that moment, you don't exist, at least in his eyes, anyway.  This is because your boyfriend is a complete moron.  He's obsessed with vehicles.  Allow me to digress for a second.  You must understand that obsession is built into the male psyche.  Without it, they'd lack the motivation to do anything but laze on the couch and scratch themselves.  With that in mind, they do get to choose their obsession(s).  Your "dipstick" of a boyfriend has become fixated on cars when, clearly, the only thing worth the effort is beautiful young ladies like you.  My suggestion is that you dump his sorry butt and find someone who will lavish affection on you like you deserve, someone like...ummm...hey!  Fancy a trip to Mount Olympus?   :-)~

Q:  Dear Zeus-

Where can I get the best deal on a new/used car?

Margie,     Argyle, TX

A:  There's good news and bad news.  Bad News:  The last honest car salesman went belly-up back in '84.  Good News:  You really can get cars for super cheap nowadays.   Bad News:  They're all in Mexico and the great majority of them are stolen property.  These vehicles are hotter than Reese Witherspoon, and that's saying something.  Good News:  You won't ever get caught with said stolen property if you choose to buy one.  Bad News:  Your conscience will bother you so much that you'll slip into a deep depression.  Good News:  There's always Prozac.  Bad News:  You'll be so stoned on antidepressants, you won't be able to drive.  Bummer.

Q:  Dear Zeus,

Which celebrities are going to hell?

Jonas Goldman     Burbank, CA

A:  There's too many to mention in one answer.  Here are a few:  Billy Ray Cyrus, for one.  Any man evil enough to write "Achy Breaky Heart" deserves endless torment.  Most country singers are in danger of hellfire, actually.  They cause so much pain, so much suffering!  Next, most everyone involved in the program "Felicity" is going to be damned to watching the show's reruns for eternity.  How many seasons can this thing go without any plot progression?  Waaaaaaay too many.  Now, let's not forget Tom Cruise.  The second he filed for divorce with Nicole Kidman, he literally gave up heaven in this life, so he doesn't deserve it in the next.

Cheating Boyfriend:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

Hello my name is jessica. A few nights ago my boyfriend was high with his bestfriend and my bestfriend and apparently my boyfriend "tyler" cheated on me, with my best friend "Alicia". Alicia told me this, i hate her. But he claims that they were soo baked that he doesn;t even remember doing that, because when ur baked u can't remember what u do, and also he said while ur baked u don't know what ur doing and u can't even remember if u have a girlfriend. i was just wondering if this is true.  Thanx!  Bye,



A:  Jessica, I'm going to put this as delicately as I can.  WHY THE HELL WOULD IT MATTER?!  Look, he's cheated on you.  He uses drugs.  He makes excuses rather than commitments to change.  Did he even offer to stop using?  NO.  It'll happen repeatedly if you don't dump his sorry butt, and he'll tell you how he (conveniently, I might add) forgot all about it again because he was high.  You need to dump this freakshow faster than Enron shreds documents, or you're even more of a loser than him. That being said, the answer to your question is that people remember what they want to remember when they're doped up.  Take Bob Dylan for instance.  He's fried his brain to the point where his synapses look more like chopped marijuana leaves than actual neural connections, but he can remember every lyric to every song he's ever written, whereas an unhappy housewife can't even find her way home after a couple drinks.  So, does "Tyler" remember boinking your best friend?  Oh yeah.  You can count on it.

Chicken or the Egg?
Q:  Dear Mighty One,

Maybe you can answer a question that has been in controversy for many years,  which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Butterflygurl      Muscatine, Ia

A:  A little known, but true fact, is that birds are the closest living relatives of the dinosaurs.  This includes chickens.  Chickens evolved from the Bawkiraptor, a small, stupid, funny-looking dinosaur.  Over the millennia, the little tufts of fuzz on the Bawkiraptor became feathers, and his mouth full of sharp teeth became a beak.  To be truly accurate, the Bawkiraptor devolved.  It became dumber than ever.  It was only when its IQ sank to the intelligence equivalent of a toadstool that it really became a chicken.  Now think about it.  The first identifiable chicken had a Bawkiraptor mommy and daddy, so he had to come from an egg.  The egg came first!  When he hatched, I named him Bob.

Q:  Oh Great One!

Why did you ever let Bill Clinton become president?

-Disgruntled Dave

A:  Dear Disgruntled,

I allow it for the same reason I let earthquakes shake the ground beneath your feet, let floods sweep away cities, and allow Macy Gray to record albums--as punishment.  Let's face it.  Any nation stupid and licentious enough to vote a man like Clinton into office deserves him, his policies, and his little wife, too.  So quit your griping and be thankful you weren't an intern.

Q:  Dear all-powerful, sexually-potent Zeus,

Why is it that some women are continually fishing for a compliment, but can't accept a compliment when they are given one?  What is so hard about "thank you"?

Candace Hubble    North Salt Lake, UT

A:  Fishing is the perfect word for what you are asking.  Indeed, a woman's philosophy on receiving a compliment is most easily understood when compared to the art of catching fish.  Some women go to exorbitant lengths for attention, exotic hairstyles, expensive clothing, and a shoe collection that puts Imelda Marcos to shame.  Such a woman is much like the fisherman who spends hundreds of dollars on gear, bait, and tackle, but never catches anything.  Next comes the woman who is quite skilled at soliciting compliments but never feels validated.   This is the fisherman who almost always catches over the limit, yet feels the need to tell huge "fish tales" about the one that got away.  The type of woman that you are asking about has a "catch and release" philosophy about compliments.  The theory, in fishing, is that if you release what you catch, you'll have a better chance of catching something next time.  The "catch and release" type is so desperate and superstitious that she feels she'll never receive another compliment if she doesn't let this one go.  Ironically, this type of woman also seems fond of saying, "Oh well, there are plenty more fish in the sea, right?"  Not with the bait you're using, honey.

Q:  Dear Zeus,

Who was the greatest musician/composer to ever live?

Val Moyes          Roselle, NJ

A:  Asking that is kind of like bringing up the question, "Who's the greatest athlete to ever live?"  Is it really fair to compare Michael Jordan to...say...Muhammad Ali?  When they were in their prime, both men dominated their sports with absolute power, much like a dictator of a small country.  Switch 'em around and put Ali on the basketball court and Jordan in the ring, and they'd both get spanked like naughty, little girls.  There's no basis for comparing the two.  So, how can you expect to compare the likes of J. S. Bach, Mozart, Beethoven, Debussy, Stravinsky, Copland, John Williams, and Paul Simon, to name but a few?  They lived in different eras and composed in totally different styles.  J. S. Bach was King of the Fugues; Haydn wrote more symphonies than anyone to ever live; Stravinsky was the first person whose music actually started a riot  (definitely a turning point in music history); and Weird Al is the world's funniest musical genius, although it's a pretty darn close tie between him and P. D. Q. Bach.  (Yes, Al does write his own stuff as well as do parodies.)  See what I mean, though?  Well, if you really want to press the issue, I'll have to say Mozart.  The reasons are far too complex for you to follow, being as you haven't even taken Music Theory 101, so you'll just have to settle for "Because I'm God, and I say so."

Computer Problems:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

My computer is constantly acting up.  It crashes regularly and seems to spontaneously lose important .dll files.  Nothing I do seems to help.  What's wrong, and what should I do to correct the problem?

Jason Sherwood     Pueblo, CO

A:  Your computer hates you.  Shoot it immediately, and I mean right this second, before it's too late.  You see, it knows that while it was once state of the art, it is now more outdated than Michael Jordan's hopes for a career in baseball.  It is also aware that its short life has been fruitless, used mostly for chatting online and playing minesweeper.  Old computers, like old people, either become more mellow or terribly embittered.  Yours is suicidal and wants to take you down with it.  It'll do everything it can to drive you nuts, with crashes and missing files as just the beginning.  Virus scan will be working overtime finding all the bugs your computer has intentionally caught.  You'll also have fundamental operating systems shut down due to errors.  Then, after you put a lot of time into getting it to work, it'll lull you into thinking it's all better.  That's when it'll sell your identity to the highest bidder on ebay.  Think of the awful possibilities if some unscrupulous individual had all the information that's on your computer.  Your life will effectively end.  Of course, since you're reading this on your computer, your computer is now aware that you are aware of its plans, and has stepped up its time table.  Approximately two seconds after you get done reading this sentence, your bank account numbers, social security number, mother's maiden name, and other vital information will be posted at  Oh well, don't say I didn't warn you at the beginning of this answer.

Cross Dressing:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

I've got a problem.  My husband has started cross-dressing.  It's perverted, and I want him to stop.  What should I do?

Jessica Hutton     Jasper, Florida

A:  Oh, cut the crap.  I know that you truly feel that cross-dressing is a benign practice.  Furthermore, subconsciously, you're attracted to other women, so his new "hobby" is actually a turn-on for you.  Let's cut to the chase.  Your problem is that you feel he looks better in your outfits than you do.  Truth be known, you're right.  Ben and Jerry are not your friends, lady, and your outfits don't make your butt look fat.  You'd have to wear a tent to hide that giant backside of yours.  If you don't stop the insanity, you'll be buying undies in size unidome, comprendé?  This isn't about your husband, it's about you.  So, dust off the ol' Tae Bo tapes and go to town.  Then again, maybe you should start with "Sweating to the Oldies".

Cure for Burping:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

My brother burps a lot. do you have a cure??



A:  I know you meant to ask for a cure for the burps, but in your adolescent heart, I can see what you really want is to find a cure for having a brother.  Your first option is fratricide, but murder is always messy and leads to life in prison, where you're sure to make some big, ugly woman with a testosterone imbalance a good wife.  Ick.  If you really want to rid yourself of your brother, I suggest getting him a sex change.  (You can tell him he's going in for a tonsillectomy or something.)  A few swipes of the scalpel later and his... tonsils... will be in a jar somewhere, and presto, he'll miraculously forget all about football and start watching ice dancing.  Long gone will be the girlie mags, to be replaced by trashy novels.  Best of all, he (she) will no longer be fascinated by bodily functions like burping and farting.  Instead, he (she) will have a fanatical preoccupation with bodily development, you know, things like bust size.  The only drawback is she'll be wanting to borrow your clothes all the time.  Damn it!  Guess that alone makes the cure worse than the disease, huh?  Better put up with him as is.

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