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Archives - B

Babies, Origin of:
Q:  Zeus-

Hey there...........where do babies come from?? I can't get a straight answer from my parents

Brian Smith

A:  Everyone knows that men come from Mars, and women come from Venus.  What they don't know is that sea monkeys come from Neptune, and babies, well, they come from Pluto, which explains most children's curious obsession with that funky dog you see in so many Disney cartoons.  As for that flatulent uncle on your mother's side, it's pretty obvious which planet he's from.  You got it.  Uranus.  Does anyone else find it redundant that Uranus is classified as a gas giant?

Q:  Dear Zuse, almighty powerful god,

This guy that i know called me a dirty-slut behind my back but only like 10 feet away from me so i heard him, and then like a week later i asked him why he called me that and he said that he didn't even remember ever doing that.  I know i'm not one so why did he call me that?

Jenn, CA

A:  First thing first, my name is Zeus, Z - E - U - S.  Thanks for the Almighty Powerful God thing, though.  The answer to your question is simple.  This guy wants your bod in the worst way.  His comment was cunning and coldly calculated to loosen up your...chastity belt.  Almost everyone knows a good kid who has an older sibling that's a worthless piece of trash.  Almost inevitably, the good kid screws up, too.  When asked why, these kids almost always say, "Everybody already thinks I'm bad because of my of my older brother (sister).  So, I figured what the h*** did it matter."  Do you see the point?  He called you a slut to get you fruitlessly pondering if maybe that's what everyone thinks about you, just so he can get you in the sack when your guard is down.  Don't you let him get to you.  Now go bother some other god, ya dirty ho.   ;-)

Q:  I've heard repeatedly that the baldness gene comes from the mother's side, but I have yet to see a bald man sitting next to his father, who happens to have a full head of hair.  What's up?

Ralph Hutchings     San Diego, CA

A:  What's up?  Most modern scientists don't have the common sense of a lab rat.  That's what's up.  Sure, they can genetically alter a dog to be the size of a Buick, but it's only after they have an uncontrollable canine monstrosity that they stop and ask themselves, "Why the hell did we do this?"  Now, you and any joe normal can look around and see that bald fathers tend to have bald sons while fathers with hair tend to have sons with hair, but most scientists can't, for the same reason they were social retards in High School.  They don't live in the real world.  Their lives consist of books, sliderulers, calculators, and algebraic equations.  Anything outside of that is beyond them.  The good news is that most of them will never breed.  The bad news is that they do a lot of damage before they go.  Twenty years ago, one of these nerds "proved" baldness to come from the mother's side via mathematical formula.  Of course, he was balder than the American Eagle and so was his father, but the math was more real to him than his own family, so he published his findings anyway.  You know, the only people sadder than scientists are those who take their findings at face value.

Q:  Mighty Zeus,

How can Batman be classified as a superhero, when he doesn't have any superpowers?

Shane Steed    Irvington, Kentucky

A:  Batman has no visible superpowers.  That means he lacks all the showy stuff like invulnerability, superstrength, atomic hand blasts, flying, super-fast healing, or even ESP.  Unfortunately for him, that usually means he gets his butt kicked more often than the Chicago Cubs.  He does, however, have a superpower:  Super-poor common sense.  If the average Joe has a gun pointed at him, he says, "Dude!  Take the money!"  Batman tries to take the gun away.  If Joe-blow is on top of a skyscraper, he thinks, "That's a long way down.  Better take the stairs."  Batman, however, immediately jumps.  You see, it takes a special kind of idiocy to try and break up a robbery when you're only armed with a batarang.  Bruce Wayne is a multi-billionaire, for goodness sakes.  He could buy his own personal army and actually clean up Gotham for good, but noooooo.  He'd rather risk his life, fruitlessly, night after night.  Can you say, "bat-coffin", boys and girls?  I knew you could.

Q:  Dear Zeus,

Should my wife and I have kids?  She's an ugly version of Janet Reno and i look like Marty Feldman with a beard?

Thank You

David.....Albany NY

A:  You are destined to have children...special children, being as you are on the cusp of an evolutionary breakthrough.  You and your wife have been brought together by the gods for your unique combination of DNA.  Your eldest will miss making the evolutionary leap by about two genomes.  When he's born, he'll look like Yoda without the green skin.  He'll be so ugly the oby-gyn nurses will cry at the sight of him.  Don't worry though.  After going through absolute hell in junior high, he'll get into stand-up comedy, become immensely popular, and eventually get his own tv sitcom called "Roach Boy."  Try to look surprised.  Your second child (a daughter) will officially be the first Homo Superion, and will be intensely beautiful.  Picture a cross between Shania Twain and Gillian Anderson.  Babe alert!  As the modern equivalent of Mother Eve, she will issue in a new era for mankind, one of peace, one of happiness, one in which films like "Dude, Where's My Car" are totally illegal.

Q:  Dear Zeus,

I have notice, as I have been reading your website diligently, that you seem to have a running theme in a lot of the answers you have given.  I noticed that you name everything Bob.  Is there some significance in this unimaginative naming of your creations, or are you just being stupid?  What's up with that? Huh?

Butterfly      Muscatine,IA

A:  Butterflygurl, be aware that your tendency to over-exaggerate can be endearing, but often makes your friends and family nervous.  Only two of my answers, previous to this one, have involved the name Bob.  This constitutes "a couple" rather than "a lot".  Nor do I "name everything Bob".  I have yet to name a single one of my many daughters Bob, although it's been tempting.  Athena would actually have been happier with the name Bob.  It's true.  Yes, I do name many things Bob.  It is an ancient and powerful really.  It is, however, both funny and cool at the same time.  Take, for example, the epitome of Bobdom, the deceased Bob Ross.  (He's the white painter dude with the afro you can still watch on PBS.  You know, the one that speaks in a soft voice and paints "happy, little trees".)  He's funny, yet profound. Geeky, yet amazingly cool. I don't care who you are or what you've done; if you don't like Bob Ross, you're gonna burn in hell.  I'm not saying you have to like his paintings.  Just him.  So, here's the deal:  All things good and wonderful have a little bit of Bob in them.  Beware.  There are evil anti-Bobs in the world today, so be on the lookout.  I'll tell you who they are, but you'll have to look really close, and maybe even highlight the answer to read it-----> The Backstreet Boys have no Bob in them.

Bob Ross vs. the Backstreet Boys:  (follow up to the Bob question)
Q:  What's wrong with the Backstreet Boys?  Since your all powerful and knowing, you must know that I love the Backstreet Boys.  Did  you just say that to make me mad?

Your devoted website reader,

Butterflygurl    Muscatine, IA

P.S.  I totally agree with you on the Bob Ross thing, he is totally awesome.  (Even though all my art teaches were totally against him and forbid my friends and I from speaking his name in class.  So we just painted happy little trees and left them on their desk when class got over.)  :)

A:  I'd never say anything just to make you angry.  My aim is to enlighten, and that sometimes means speaking the harsh truth.  You are a mortal with a finite mind.  It's not your fault that you're susceptible to teenie bopper propaganda.  On the other hand, your appreciation of Bob Ross is a testament to the wonderful taste you'll develop as an adult.  Let's take a moment and compare Bob vs. Backstreet.  Bob is a pretty homely and geeky guy, but as he would say, "That's all right."  He's ok with being who he is, which makes him amazingly sly.  The Backstreet Boys, however, are all about appearance.  Everything they wear, say, and do targets their audience to say, "Hey!  Look at us!  We're cooler than N'Sync.  Really!  We are.  *sniff*"  Losers.  Bob's paintings may never make it to the Louvre, but he did a fun, original painting that came directly from his heart, in 30 minutes or less, every single show.  Wow.  The Backstreet Boys, comparatively, have recorded multi-platinum albums, but are about as responsible for the album's creative input as that annoying fly that was buzzing around the producer's ear at the time.   You see, the Backstreet Boys were all ostracized as children, so their main goal has been to become popular at any cost.  They could care less about the music.  All Bob ever wanted to do was introduce people to the happy, little world of painting and have some fun doing it.  That makes him real.  I respect real.  Here's my suggestion:  Forget Backstreet.  Go to, and buy the The Blender's album "From the Mouth".  Their rich, acapella rock sound, sense of humor, and obvious love for the music will blow you away.  Enjoy!

P.S.  Hades and I talked it over, and we've decided that your anti-Bobistic art teachers are all going to spend eternity drawing cartoon charicatures of all the rednecks at the county fairs.  "Duuuh...look Bobby-Sue, she's done drawn you witta big nose! huh huh huh!"    \:-)

Boogers and Belligerence:
Q:  Hey Zeuster!

I am beginning to think that you don't know the answer to my previously asked question. If the proper name of snot is mucous. What is the proper name for a booger?  Failure to answer may drive me towards monotheism. You did sleep with your sister after all.

JB Rowley, MA USA

A:  Oh boy.  Yet another mortal who feels his need for instant gratification justifies belligerence towards deity.  Typical.  I suppose you need a bit of cursing.  Well, here goes... I hereby curse you in the words of Little Jimmy Dickens.  "May the bird of paradise fly up your nose.  May an elephant caress you with his toes.  May your wife be plagued with runners in her hose.  May the bird of paradise fly up your nose."  Not original for sure, but highly effective.  Look, I generally do one question a week, whereas I receive anywhere between one to six questions.  Do the math.  As a god, it behooves me to keep demand high and supply low.  Think about it.  If I answered every single prayer, the world would be full of millionaires and every currency on Earth would be worth the equivalent of the Lira.  Not sound economic policy to be sure.  As for your actual question, since you know the proper designation of snot, can't you even guess the correct term?  Too bad.  I guess that's what happens when you have desiccated mucous for brains.

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