AOL:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

I know that you allowed AOL to be created as a punishment.  However, what could you possibly do to the people who created it that would make up for the amount of suffering they've caused all true computer lovers?

Ben Hubble

A:  This one's easy.  Obviously, you don't realize how simple it is to torture computer nerds.  Most of them, Hades will put back into their geeky, awkward, zit-faced, adolescent bodies and then stick them into junior high Phys Ed classes, there to be harassed, abused, and beaten up for all of eternity by jocks.  'Roid Rage!  Others, I'll have Hades seal into a room filled to the brim with the latest, most amazing computer games.  The only other item in the room will be an old, dilapidated TRS-80 computer that can't play ANY of them.  You know, I'm really not a mean God at heart, but hey, fair's fair.
 
 

Adam:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

Did Adam have a bellybutton?

Shannon Jacobs     San Antonio, TX

A:  You might be wondering how a Greek God could know the answer to this question.  After all, Greek mythology doesn't recognize Adam per se.  To put it simply, the accuracy of Greek mythology is sketchy at best, Jehovah's a good friend of mine, and I'm omnipotent.  The answer's yes.  Adam had a bellybutton.  And you should have seen the umbilical cord!  Whoa!
 
 

Angels:
Q:  Hey Zeus-meister,

So tell me, exactly how many angels can dance on the head of a pin?

David Dunbar       Dallas, TX

A:  Zeus-meister?  Insolent mortal!  The depth of your impiety can only be matched by your ignorance.  The answer to your question is zero.  Angels can't dance!  Don't worry.  It's not because they're  Baptist or something silly like that.  The fact is that they lack the equipment to do it.  Being primarily airborne creatures, their legs have evolved over the millennia into a strange sort of landing gear.  Definitely not conducive to waltzing.  As a side note, I don't care for angels much.  They're Mount Olympus' equivalent of the mosquito.
 
 

Angels and Harps:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

Do angels really play harps?

Jo Ann Hubble      Iowa City, IA

A:  Not around me, they don't.  They're annoying enough already, flitting about Mount Olympus, without all that @#%! strumming.  The last angel who played that thing in my presence got a lung full of RAID spray like the bothersome insect he was.  Angels, as a group, extol the virtues of the harp and denounce nearly every other instrument.  That's because they're worse than sheep.  They're a collective of followers, almost incapable of original thought.  The last angel to think outside the box played a few bars of "Stairway to Heaven" and was immediately cast out.  He's running with an entirely new crowd now, plays an electric guitar, and is much happier.  Who wouldn't be?
 
 

Answers:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

ok-so, if you're all knowing, why can't you just answer all the questions that anyone might potentially have, so that you don't have to wait for us to send you questions?  Eh?  Answer that!

Margie    Argyle, TX

A:  Oh, I could do it.  I could easily create a database that contains the answers to all of life's questions.  What would be the fun in that, though?  Not only would it take away the pleasure it gives me to assist you mortals, it would totally ruin people's lives.  There are a lot of things you're just better off not knowing.  For example, nobody, but nobody really wants to know what kinds of things go on in Baby Spice's bedroom.  Trust me.  Ever been around one of those idiots who constantly give away the endings to movies you haven't seen?  This would be a thousand times more horrific because it actually deals with your life.  Worse yet, I would be considered the idiot who ruined life's surprise endings for everybody.  Never gonna happen.  So, next time you pray and don't get an answer, you may just want to offer up a nice, little thank you.
 
 

Answers II (Baby Spice):
Q:  Dear Zeus,

What goes on in Baby Spices bedroom?  Really, I am very interested....Video would be nice.

Joe -argyle, TX
(Note:  Read the previous question entitled Answers to get the background on this question.)

A:  Joe, Joe, Joe.  When I, Zeus, the Mighty and Omnipotent say that nobody but NOBODY wants to know the goings on in Baby Spice's bedroom, I mean it.  That includes you, too.  Sure, you think you want to know, but that's only because you have these simple-minded, pre-conceived notions about her bedroom activities.  Reality, in this case, is beyond horrifying.  Nostradamus caught a quick glimpse of that deviant hellhole and fainted dead away.  This was a man who barely blinked when he saw visions of wars, mass murders, assassinations, and even holocausts, but still wasn't capable of writing this revelation down because his hands wouldn't stop shaking.  Knowledge of the sort you're seeking corrupts the mind and soul.  Of the 20 people who know the answer you're seeking, ten are are institutionalized, spending their time in straitjackets and receiving shock therapy, six are in jail on death row, three committed suicide, and the last is the High Priestess of the Depravity herself, Baby Spice, a fiend who masks herself with girlish innocence, so devious, evil, and vile that lawyers admire her.  The only thing scarier is the fact that after I've told you all this, you still want that video, don't you?  Time to go get professional help, Joe.
 
 

Apostraphes:
Q:  Oh Zeus, Zeus, Zeus--

Why is it people use apostrophes incorrectly?  For instance, the phrase "There have been many Xena's over the years" (yes, uttered by the all knowing Zeus) uses an apostrophe to denote more than one Xenas.  An apostrophe in this instance would be either 'Xena is' or that she possesses something.  Could it be that the all knowing Zeus has been away from grammar school for too long?  (Just pickin' on ya')

Grammar Police

A:  Do you actually believe that I typed this in myself?  Good heavens, no!  Even a lowly CEO has secretaries.  I, Zeus, King and Lord Magnificent, give revelation through my oracles.  I mean, sure, back when the entire world had roughly the population of Mayberry RFD from the Andy Griffith show, I'd make personal appearances on a regular basis.  Somebody'd pray a question, and I'd pop in for a spot of tea and some pleasant conversation.  Thing is, you humans breed faster than a bunny on Viagra (like I'm one to talk...), and that became too much of a chore.  That's when we Gods implemented using oracles.  My favorite was using the disembodied head of Orpheus to speak my wisdom.  It had a pretty cool effect.  Nowadays, I'm using a webmaster named Chris as my oracle.  I speak.  He types.  Any typos, misused punctuation, incorrect grammar, computer problems, or other mistakes are because, like all of you, he's just a stupid, stupid, stupid mortal.  I don't correct him unless it's something major.  It's not fair to impose my perfection on others too often.  Funny thing is, he was aware of the rule you mentioned as he typed the Xena answer, but felt the plural of Xena (Xenas) looked too much like a totally different name, one that, although rare, is still in use today.  Go to http://www.findagrave.com/surnames/x/ for evidence.  In the end, it was just bad judgment on his part.  By the way, if accuracy is your thing, your question should have read, "...uses an apostrophe s to denote more than one Xena."  Stupid, stupid, stupid...  (Just pickin' on ya')   ;-)
 
 

Appendix Troubles:
Q:  Dear Zeus,

My tummy hurts. Is my appendix about to implode?

Jen from Adelaide

A:  No, of course not, sweet girl.  Your appendix is about to explode, not implode, you big silly.   In order to implode, you'd need an intense vacuum in your belly.  You'll find that humans generally have excess gas in their digestive tracts, not the reverse.  As for your appendix, it looks like last month's steak tartar has gotten lodged in there, where it has been rotting and festering.  Your body has sent massive amounts of white blood cells to combat this infection, which has led up to a huge build-up of pus in your rather small, vestigial organ.  In plain English, that baby's about to go off like a hand grenade in a foxhole.  Time to get yourself to a hospital or at least tell your family to duck for cover.
 
 

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