Singularity WKSP

11/25/02

So, I just finished with "court", it really isn’t court at all, as I've explained before, it is just me telling a cashier "not guilty". I get many odd looks, especially in the traffic court line. My bucket clearly states "one less car" and someone must wonder what the hell I am doing there. And the elitist comes out in me, and they ask no question, they judge before knowing anything, I guess I do that too. And right there is elitist acknowledgement. And last night I applied a very cool sticker "overgrow the government" and it has a persons upper body with flowers growing in the head. Very cool. I really feel that the best thing for me to do is withdraw from society and cultivate my mind in a self-sustainable and completely renewable environment. And that cultivation begins with commitment and determination. It ends with happiness, freedom, peace and love. Or so I believe. But, everything I do feels so right, especially right now. Life seems very amicable in relation to me and that is a good thing. And right now, just after breakfast, I feel wonderful. I feel just amazing and am in love with this life that is at once mine, and all the time belonging to the singularity. Which is something I was thinking about. From now on, this journal is going to revert back to being named "Singularity WKSP", and "Exotic" ends yesterday. Because, I was thinking, that is where I am. I am in a workshop learning about the singularity, about the almighty self and its relation to life. Life. Wow. I guess since I am saving the letters I am writing I should save the ones I receive...and I will keep them in here, it is the best way I know: in order so far (four letters taped in). (Taped to this page is a Christmas card from Alexandria in it it says: Brian, I don’t know why I send out X-mas cards, but I do it keeps me busy I guess...but you’re the first person I'm sending a card to this year, I'm not sure if you get many or any but that’s okay. So happy Christmas with whoever you'll be with & wherever you'll be. (heart) Love Always AlexAndria) What a wonderful day. It isn’t even over yet. After breakfast I came home and Justin gave me a pep talk to converse with Catherine about us all moving out. Then I went to work and upon coming home she was there and I continued to say nothing. And John Darnielle sang to me about how my backbone is made out of pudding, and then she came and talked to me. And nothing aside from moving plans came out. But, I want to recount something that happened in the past that explains the present situation well. One night long ago, Catherine made dinner, pasta. And, along with it she made her own sauce, piled with black olives. At the finish she asked how I liked it and I said it was good, but I don’t really like black olives. She proceeded to remove all of the black olives. So, because I don’t particularly like black olives, she took them all out of the dish. That is why I cant talk to her. If I tell her that I cant stand the way she treats herself, she stops. But, not because she wanted to, because I didn’t like it and I have (as previously stated) no reason to be commanding other peoples lives. I though tit was pretty absurd when the olive incident went down, and that was the last time I extrapolated on my opinions. Then I left back to the Paradox for some vegan nachos and wrote an amazing letter. As of now, it has no recipient, but Rob is in the running and it will most likely see his hands. I got that last letter from Alexandria today and that prompted the pasting. Now I am at the Haven, trying to write some poetry. I read the stuff I recently wrote and it is very good stuff. I really like it.

11/26

I worked long and hard today. It was topped off with a lesbian poetry and music revue. More later.

11/27/02

I wonder if I should start forward or backward, and it strikes me that natural movement is forward, is progress. And that for even to think of the past is sort of against my goal. Had I had something monumental to say I'd have found the time yesterday. These thoughts of progress strike me often, yet this is my first mention of it. So, there will be no talk of yesterday, no talk of today. I will write of right now, at "It's a Beautiful Pizza" down the street from the Paradox. I am here because the Paradox is closed. It is a really cool place with vegan pizza. They have a "weeping wall", ceramic tile with water trickling down, very cool. When I came in I thought the girl behind the counter was a statue, she is very beautiful, and helped me along with my toppings. That is something I don’t usually do, ask people what I should get, but it felt right asking her. And, I just finished eating and am currently leaving to go to the Triple Nickel to meet Justin. I feel sort of confined anyway, I wrote myself into a corner when I said that progress isn’t gained in the past. I can change my outlook tomorrow. At the Haven, after the Triple Nickel with Justin, I watch my arms shrink as I read an article in BUST magazine about "dancing" and not just regular dancing, men paying to "dance" with girls. I am reading and peripheral vision of my arms show them shrinking. I have had three beers, but I cannot attribute everything to that. Shrinking, shriveling, is also recoiling inside oneself. Supreme absorption of self that the outside world looks on in disgust. It is hard for the typical person to understand this recoil, and it is looked upon as ugly, different, wrong. And looked upon that way because of misunderstanding. I understand, accept, and continue. That is supremity (and ego) but it is really everything, life, wrapped up and presented. I have probably drank too much and instead of writing I should read...or go home and sleep. Hah.

11/28/02

After the pizza bar I met up Justin at the real bar and la di da. Ended up coming home and passing out in my bed fully clothed. Woke up and went to Safeway. Work gave me a Safeway gift certificate, that was the main reason I attended there. I bought some mushrooms, celery, pepper and other things. I came home and started to make some stuffing. It was probably 830a. My mom called during the making of stuffing. We talked for very little time, I was busy. Steve was up by then. I was pissy, I don’t know why, I've been all day, so he laid back down. I made two pans of stuffing, we at half of one and put a quarter of the one dish in the refrigerator, gave the other quarter to my neighbour Eva. The other pan was for vegan potluck that started around 3p. Steve made some curried potatoes and we dilly dallied until 3p to leave. I made a necklace in that time, and just recently another. The potluck got off to a slow start but was very much fun. We brought the most food, and (although there were other good dishes) I thought my stuffing took the stage. We met some cool people and read Bush quotes to each other and laughed heartily. I bought a new vegan cookbook. And that’s about it. It was a rather boring day, although tomorrow should be much more intense, a preview: anti-fur protest, buy-nothing day, Critical Mass. Cant wait. Peace.Love.

11/29

Mid-day update, it is like 2:30p, I am at the R and B. Crazy, not really. I just feel like I am forcing my writing lately. I met some people at the anti-fur protest...Julie and Dave. More on that, if and when I feel like writing again.

11/30

Morning. Paradox. Yesterday, Amazing. So, after I left the Red and Black yesterday I went home and Steve and I played cards for awhile. We left for Critical Mass at twenty til five. When we arrived it was fivish and there were maybe twenty-to-thirty people. Last month at that time there were 250 people. It was amazing, the disparity. And before I get to details, this was the most intense ride yet, and the best. First off, someone got a permit for the ride and passed out fliers detailing the proposed route. A permit means that police will cork streets and red lights may be run. That brought dissention among the crowd, CM was not started with permits in mind, it is a monthly celebration of bicycles, and when permitted it becomes more of a state sponsored spectacle instead of a happy cyclist celebration. There were probably 250 people when the mass pushed off on its proposed route at 6p. Steve and I hung back, away from the permitted mass, with the dissenters. When we realized they weren’t doing anything, aside from bitching, we left to find the mass. We got behind two motorcycle cops figuring they were going to the mass, we followed them. For the half-hour or so when we were riding around downtown looking for the mass I don’t know what happened. On the police radio it said "They've broken away from the route to..." and then the motorcycle sops said we couldn’t follow them and we went on our journey to find the mass. We rode for a half-hour, not finding the mass. At one point we hooked up with someone else looking for the mass and the three of us took over Burnside Eastbound. That was a ton of fun. Eventually we caught up with the mass, police escort and everything. We had learned that the mass broke up into five different small masses circling downtown and eventually all being corralled together. I don’t think we were on the proposed route, yet the police were corking traffic, as were massers. It was beautiful. Somewhere on the NW side people starting stopping for the reds, but the mass was small enough and we just waited for each other, it was great. Yesterday was a culmination of things, buy-nothing day, Critical Mass, the busiest shopping day of the year, the lighting of the "tree" at Pioneer Square, and a permit for the mass. As I understand the permit was granted with explicit details that the mass could not go down near Pioneer Square. So, that was where the mass was headed, Steve and I at the front.

(Taped in here is the flier with the proposed route and a couple of pictures...)

We started doing laps around Pioneer Square, all the cyclists, shoppers, police, it was beautiful, it was what CM should be, amazing. Then it was diffused into a standoff. The cops blocked off Pioneer Square so we could no longer do laps around it, and up ahead they had blocked off the next block so we couldn’t go forward. It was a one-way street and the only way to go (that wasn’t blocked off), was right. There was a very large sign that proclaimed "NO RIGHT TURN" we were stopped, nowhere to go, standstill. There is a MAX line on that street and we were on the tracks, a MAX was approaching and as a mass we decided that we could let it through and trail it to get past the blockade. We cleared the tracks and no sooner did three police cars with four cops each and one police SUV with five cops pull up, get out, and open the trunks. They started dressing in riot gear and intimidating the peaceful CM. I started yelling "Here comes the riot gear, we are not illegal, stand your ground" and "Critical" and everyone shout in response "Mass", it was amazing. There were quite a few shoppers waiting and congregating that saw the stand-off, I snapped a few shots, at one particularly tense moment Steve locked his bicycle to his neck. And the riot cops advanced, people started singing "Give Peace a Chance" and the riot cops recognized (turned around) the "innocent" shopping crowd memorizing the police action against cyclists singing "give peace a chance" and demobilized, directed cyclists to the right, and the stand-off was over after a half-hour, maybe more and the police blocked all streets and we went over the Hawthorne bridge, I think the police mobilized a similar blockade on the other side of the bridge, so we all took a trail to the waterfront. I met up with Dave and the mass petered out where it started, near the underside of the Burnside Bridge.

12/1

Sometime last night, it went from November to December, and it was acknowledged by Justin, at a concert. He yelled to me "I think that’s significant" and I just looked at him as if to say "what" and he responded "that there is only one month left in this year". That got me to think, I didn’t respond, it was too loud. But, it set my mind into thinking mode and time. I probably thought for a long time about time, and I don’t think I came to any conclusions, or if I did they were forgotten sometime early this morning when I was riding home from the Blackbird, after seeing two monumental bands and leaving Steve and Justin to watch the sub-par headliner on their own. The two bands, opening acts, were: Skeleton Coast (with amazing energy), and Menomena. Menomena was brilliant, three guys, 7 instruments, and samples. I was amazed, and the headliner, Made for TV Movie, was not going to sully the god taste left in my mouth. I wasn’t in a great mood to begin with, and I know exactly why. The three of us were playing cards, and Justin brought up his company Christmas party that is tonight. Basically, Justin invited Steve to be his guest at the event, and made no mention of it to me. Then, Steve brought it up to me and I told him I had no prior knowledge of it. Steve doesn’t feel that he would enjoy it as much since he and Justin really don’t do anything unless I am there as liaison, someone they can both talk too, and get an equal response. Well, a couple of days ago, Steve told Justin that he might not be able to do it, so then Justin asks me. I am not big on secrets, basically Steve wants to get out of it without telling Justin that he doesn’t want to go, he is trying to make it out as if I want to go more. So, I told Justin that Steve and I had talked about it, and if Steve doesn’t want too, or cant go, I'll go. And Justin is like, "alright, cool." And that was that until last night when Justin (this is the liaison part) asks me if Steve is going to go. I said it'd be best to ask Steve, my stance is the same. So he asks Steve while we are all playing cards and Steve still wont say he doesn’t want to go, he says "well, I just don’t wan t Brian to feel left out" I though that was quite the load of shit, and made it clear, later. So, eventually, at the table, I ended it and said I would go. The way my thinking goes is that Justin would rather Steve go, because they have drifted and that is the precise reason Steve doesn’t want to go. So, when we left for the concert, things seemed to be resolved. Not the case, I find. Steve and I are riding up 39th to the Blackbird, and I said as much about his cop out with my feelings being why he didn’t want to go to Justin’s party. He confirmed my suspicions about the distance between he and Justin, gave me the Steve Rousseau/Justin Gall history lesson, and said that he knows that I don’t always let "my feelings be known." That put me directly into contemplative state, his knowledge of it shows his attention, but why does he want to bring it up? And I asked what he would like to be informed on and I paraphrased my position. I said "I do keep to myself, but I hide nothing. you ask and I will truthfully answer." It isn’t that I hide it, I just see no reason to flaunt my problems, and always talk of them when genuinely asked. He said that he felt Justin was reaching out to him, and the way he is handling it is basically mouthing "fuck-off" behind his back. Saying no, without genuine reason, and refusing to elaborate. So, then the concert. When a person brings one of my flaws to the light, I give it a great deal of thought. And I don’t talk too much at concerts anyway. So, Justin was to meet us at the Blackbird, we don’t all usually hang out, and I found it surprising Justin was going. I don’t know, but the loudness of a live show, the goodness of the music, me not enjoying to yell at a person or be yelled at all adds up to me not being much of a conversationalist at concerts. I am the liaison, fuck that. I didn’t talk to Justin but one-word answers and merely nodded when Steve caught my glance and we agreed on the quality of the noise before us. Through my unwillingness to go between them, they were kind of forced to talk to each other, and hopefully it got above basketball. I don’t even care if they were bitch-bonding about my seeming inconsistencies. After awhile Justin said to me "you seem to be in a bad mood" and I said "no". Then he said something I don’t remember, but it zeroed in on exactly what I was doing and I decided that I could talk and between Menomena and Made for TV Movie I engaged in friendly banter, after the first song, I left. I hope they hashed some things out, and I am not going to go to the party tonight. No matter how much fun it would be, vegan meal, free beer, lotsa people. That is Steve’s party. It has been really cold out lately and I think I am going to use that to my advantage and buy a black thermal, full gloves, and some knee high socks. Maybe even today. It is looking to lean more towards probably not today, but life contains no certainties. I went to the library and did all the regular things, I am reading a book by Howard Zinn "On War" I also posted on Indymedia about Critical Mass. Steve was there and we exchanged words...not many. I am not going to Justin’s thing, I probably made that clear, but it is now crystal. To me, it is crystal, and that is enough. The rest is between them and something for me to stay out of. I feel rather disenchanted lately. People just aren’t doing it for me, girls are great yet I have no further desire, all I want to do is admire. Steve and Justin, well, I never really talk to Justin, he talks to me about whatever. Our mindframes about things that matter are so far apart that I offer nothing but an ear to him. Steve is doin his thing, and that involves people...and alot of talking. I am not up for a whole lot of talking, when engage din conversation lately I usually do no more than talk nonsense. I feel that the best thing for me may be to set off, alone, to be alone, to think and learn alone. I spent most of my time by myself and in the company of others I offer very little. I have explained my mindset and however thickheaded it is, I stick by it. I adhere to my lofty dedication of trying to speak the truth at all times, and live by it. To the people I am most closely associated with I feel like I must say something and that is where the off-kilter banter comes in. I should stop doing this, but I feel that stoppage would result in alienation, tension, feelings of inadequacy. Right now, it isn’t worth it, it is more worthwhile to stick with current action and catch the next wave I come upon. I was reading about apartheid in South Africa, and the South Africans had a chance to turn militant and "fight" their oppression. Instead of breaking into that new realm, they stuck with civil disobedience and suffered awhile longer, but their lofty goals were eventually fulfilled...peacefully. That is kind of like my internal struggle. So I talked to Steve about what is going on. We were playing cards and talking, I was just letting him know where my thoughts were. That was good, and, well, there is the inking that is here, with an accompanying poem in the "Humans" book, titled "Weather of words".


I watched a movie tonight, Natural Born Killers. At the end, when they were escaping, I cried. Two or three tears grazed my cheeks as the warden was decapitated. Movies should bring on emotion, and this movie does that for me. It is wonderful, in so many ways. Oh, and Diane called. She got my letter today and called to let me know it. I think Diane likes me a little more than just friend, she is coming out here January 3-6. I am not sure, and kind of don’t want to think about it, but it is something that has been lingering for awhile, and I have told her outright (during the Aimee tribulation) that I don’t plan on making out with her...but I really don’t plan on anything. That is something distant and not to be brooded over. I did zero of said shopping today and I have to work tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it. Steve doesn’t seem to agree with the way I look at myself. Or, at least, the actions I propose for myself because of the way I look at myself. Every so often I catch myself thinking in a vortex. A vortex of the past, but not necessarily in a traditional way. Earlier, and just now my body froze, my eyes fixed on nothing in particular. And in my head, it is like a glitch, a skip on a cd, and it goes back a few times then proceeds. It works in me so my mind rests on a moment of the past, fifteen minutes or years ago and runs it over three or four times, each time slightly different, and then I shake my head and am back in reality. I cant really explain the images, not even what they were...I only vaguely remember. Why? Because when I shake my head my mind fixes on whatever I was inadvertently staring at and I think of that. Also, today, I came across a note I wrote a few months ago to Catherine. If only I could not laugh with a touch of irony and a touch of agony when I read it. It is a great note, not my usual style and well written, not dated so we'll not know right now (I am positive it is documented elsewhere). (The note reads: Catherine, I don’t know exactly why it is, but sometimes I am hard up for expressing my emotion. Maybe I was brought up to suppress and now when I really want to just explode and let things land where they will I find myself unable. Last night was amazing for me. It was kind of funny, because after talking with you at the bar I sort of made a mental note for myself to not come home and have sex with you. Your charms are much more powerful than my mental notes, that is for sure! I really just didn’t expect to be in this situation, especially so quickly, but it is a good thing...I am very happy about the choices we made. I guess I just wanted to write you this note to express my feeling, like last night when I said you were amazing, that is a bit inaccurate because you are so much more, you are amazingly beautiful, you have this amazing style and disposition that makes you wonderfully attractive, I love listening to you speak, you have an amazing voice, you are sexy, and quite irresistible, and you really excite me. I look forward to seeing you when you get home from work and don’t usually want to fall asleep. I think that good things are in the works and we'll be a part of them! Peace.Love. Brian) I am starting to add lots of extras in the writing, and I like that. I am really in the dark about life right now, especially mine. It kind of sucks, actually. I feel as if I don’t really belong anywhere, like a true individual, alone and nothing real in sight. It is a dark perspective, and hard to understand, but I try. I am doing all I can to help myself understand these things. Hah. Things, what a good description, but that is the grasp I have...none. I really have nothing to grab onto and build upon. It is tough starting out, nearly impossible, and I haven’t the slightest understanding of how to begin this undertaking of life. And I have been doing it nonetheless. And, I have been making it work...somehow. I began this entry a long while ago, talking about time. And that is what I really need to understand. Grasp the truth of time and I gain a stranglehold on life. Booyah. Whatever.

12/2/02

Sometime in the middle of the night, Steve was talking in his sleep...introducing himself to people at the party...must’ve been a good time. I didn’t sleep well last night, kept waking and rolling alot. That’s okay, tonight should be better. I was in the shower today, after work, listening to the NBK SNDTK and thinking of the first soundtrack I had...or tried to make. I think it was Lethal Weapon 2, I had a hand-held tape recorder, and played the movie, recording all sounds. I couldn’t figure out why it wouldn’t all fit, I shrugged my shoulders and forgot about it until now. I have been listening to Sage Francis "Personal Journals" and TMG "All Hail West Texas" heavily lately. And reciting it all day. I love it, and only wish someone would understand it the way I do. It isn’t just amazing music, the lyrics really hit home. I got a call from Powell’s today, and I have an interview there tomorrow. I also dropped off a check for $75 and three mostly completed credit sheets for the house @ 2731 SE Franklin. I think it will be ours, and if I take the Powell’s job and work 30 a week I will make half what I do now...working however many hours a week I work now. Many things culminating and I am feeling very positive. I am going to begin to curb my spending, not only to save, but also because I will take the Powell’s job if it is offered. So there is no reason to allow the dissident/negative feelings to permeate my being right now, rather just roll with it and keep it flowing. Continue to learn of greenhouses and strive for the goal of self-sustainability in Canada. Wait and learn. (A note taped in here reads: There is a corner, I think, in every persons mind where everything important is shoved. It is shoved there, I think, because it isn’t know yet how to deal with it. Although I start this talking broadly, of everyone, I only really know about me. And this corner of my mind is overflowing and I am beginning to process it now. There are times in life, a new beginning, realization, when this corner is stirred and some things are dumped...and one or two things are sorted, understood and made whole. I am good at shoving things in this corner, because there is so much I want to understand, and I don’t readily drop anything So I spend long periods of time sorting and understanding...this time is spent inside, and outside my life slacks off. And I really enjoy these times anyway, right now I don’t know where I am. It feels like a purge, but I have to no knowledge of what is going on while it is going on...it is all after-knowledge. Anyway, it feels like a purge of my mind, I can tell be the heightened reading and writing, and the inactivity in human contact. There are these lingering thoughts,)

12/3/02

I hate my job so much, it is noonish and I am really looking forward to this interview thing today. The problem that I have with it is that out of all the people who work there, I know the most. I know how to do something right and I know how to do that same thing totally wrong. And because of that I will do things the right way. Anyway, I am thrown things to do that I don’t have the proper equipment to do, so I wont do them. Ugh, if I get this Powell job today, I will start immediately...I cannot take this much longer. I told Rob, someone I work with, that I was an elitist, he said "Really, I couldn’t tell" and he said it sarcastically. So, I guess, even though I don’t really try, that this elitism is obvious and probably has been for a long time. It is good that I have recognized and accepted this aspect of myself. And that aspect shone in the interview...and I think it was a hit. I really think (hope) that this job, as a phone operator at Powell’s, is mine. And I am oh-so excited. So excited that I am treating myself to a lunch/dinner at the Paradox. I am overwhelmed with good feelings. I basically fucked off my last job, and told the interviewers as much, and may be fired tomorrow. I don’t care. I just don’t care. I felt like this in Santa Barbara, and it was great. I felt like this when I quite my job with my father, and it was great. Things are just overall great. I love my life. When I come home, all my gusto is drained. It starts when I pull up and see a light on and I know that I shut all the lights off when I left. So that means someone has come home while I was away. Being that it is only like 6:30, the only person it could be is Catherine. Suck. Hah. Yeah, her presence is just totally draining, especially when she also has some guy here just sitting on the couch watching me, right now as I write this, while Carfin is on the phone in the bathroom. I assume they are going somewhere, and hoping, because I need to use the bathroom. And I am listening to Sage Francis and I don’t think that leather-jacket boy really digs, and definitely doesn’t feel, this music.

12/4/02

Hah. So last night I went to open mic (didn’t read), made a necklace, interacted little by little. No amazement and this morning, I wasn’t fired, not even really talked too. So I worked and wasn’t really into it. As if. Hah. I got home and was going to jerk off, but Justin came home so I showered and made dinner. Then I came here. Damn, when I recap my day my life seems so boring. I tried to adapt a letter into a poem today and it looks like it will work very well, but I couldn’t finish it. I got 4 lines in poem, 1 line into the letter. That is the excitement in my life. I am later on tonight meeting Justin at the Triple Nickel Saloon to watch TV. The Portland Trailblazers vs. The Dallas Mavericks. Yeah, I am so predictable, before Justin moved out here, Steve joked that I would be watching sports with him, so there it is. Today is my sisters birthday, and as with my brothers, this is the acknowledgement. She is 17. I feel so old. My little sister is seventeen years old, I remember being seventeen, that is how I got here. That was my changing point. (And amazingly enough, the earliest this gets is 17, wow. Really. BB (2/22/03)

12/5/02

I think that when I grow old I will be the type of old person that spends all day sorting things. Then re-sorting them. Yeah, that is what I have to look forward too. Powell’s called today and said that they are postponing a decision until Monday. Them calling is a good sign, but postponing really isn’t. Still no word on the house and things here are just silly. Catherine moved her bed into the living room last night. And, well I still use the living room as the living room, and offer no remorse for sleeping alcoholic and the days boy, because I am reading the paper in the kitchen, and she has a room. I was just staring at my ceiling and listening to the first track on the Spiritual, Spiritual disc by B-Tribe and I saw Jesus transform into the Statue of Liberty, I blinked and we went back to Jesus. Fucking flashbacks. I am not going anywhere tonight, and that is kind of weird. I have been going out alot and this is the first night I can remember that I got home from work and didn’t leave the house...at all. And Carfin has been here the entire time too, which is a good reason for me to leave. But, I don’t care. I have been talking to Justin about work and other things and it is as good as going out. Tomorrow I will go ask about the house if I don’t hear anything, and I get paid. All good things. I am looking forward to tomorrow. I am just totally dead tired right now, and don’t really know why. Work wasn’t overly stressful, it was long and I didn’t like it, but what else is new?

12/6/02

I am currently doing laundry, avoiding the kitchen because Carfin is stationed there. I am disgusted when I am around her. I don’t like being disgusted nor do I enjoy being around her. I feel like I am around my brother and instead of putting all the stupid things in his face, I am just totally ignoring his existence. Except this isn’t my brother and this isn’t working either. So I feel the best thing I can do is get the fuck away from the beast...I don’t know how to help it so I need to simply step off. When I was younger I thought that the best way to impress people was to be loud, flamboyant, giving, and agreeable. That is no longer the case. I don’t think that being loud or anything impresses people, that is common now, that is normal. Hah. Now, I am reserved, without care, doing something wholly my own, and because of that people are impressed. Maybe...I don’t know, people probably aren’t impressed by me. I was thinking today at work. I was thinking in the NW hills, on Skyline Blvd, and I saw some people biking up the hill, and it made me appreciate the feat I accomplished. Big Sur with two full buckets and a backpack. I struggled. I overcame. I don’t think about that enough. And, when I was in the shower I was thinking about when I moved out to Olympia. That was like walking off a cliff, there was no end that I could see and took the leap. I landed in Santa Barbara and then backtracked to Indiana. This stuff is important to remember. I didn’t go ask about the house today, she'll call and that is all the heads up I need. After this weekend, my life could see a complete upheaval, work, home. Yes! The way life is unpredictable amazes me, it makes me so happy to be reminded that nothing is under control and watching it awes me. Amazing life. It feels like zero hour, all these things culminating. I think that Catherine’s boyfriend Rick is now living with us, in our living room, with her. It affects everyone, and I really hope that everything pieces together perfectly, meaning we get the house on Franklin, and I get the job at Powell’s. Tonight is Friday night in Portland. Justin and I are going to do something. I am not quite sure what yet, but he is buying a six-pack of beer for before we go out. We'll probably end up at the Triple Nickel Saloon, which is fine...but something a little different may be in store this evening. Hopefully. Sometimes I wonder exactly why I am keeping these diaries. I have verbal reasons, reasons I tell people, but I am not entirely sire what purpose they will serve in the future. I wonder if gay men find women attractive. That seems like a surface question, stupid, but it is deep. I find men attractive, if I were looking for a guy, I know what I'd look for and I think gay men feel that way about women. So, it leads me to wonder if sometimes gay men are tempted by the women they are surrounded with. Who am I kidding, that is a surface question...because the answer doesn’t really accomplish anything. I think I am going to watch a movie this weekend, or try to, at least. I want to watch the Big Lebowski.

12/7/02

Well, bad news today, we got no home. Meaning that the house we were banking on left us out in the cold. Bastards, I don’t even think the lady was going to call us, she was just going to forget about it. That didn’t please me.

(Check taped on page.)

So, Steve and I went to the Haven to regroup. And we did, with about five new places to check out tomorrow. I came home very energetically, put on the White Stripes and told Justin about what the haps was. Then I went to get the mail, received this letter from Frances. I do well in life. Her letter is inspiring, she used to see me as nothing. At first she was amazed by me, then that was totally deflated when she met Steve. But then she was perplexed by our bond and I think she tried to break it. Didn’t work, and now in the letters I send, I think she is beginning to understand, or at least feigning. It is a good thing to know that she is out there, because she is a really good person, just a little misguided...but great! I don’t know what is going on tonight, last night was a gaggle. Three different bars with Justin, and I was told that when I got home I laid down on the kitchen floor and started screaming, I don’t quite recall, but it doesn’t sound farfetched. I wore the wig last night, in turn I woke up with a headache, I ate and read the paper and laid back down. When Steve came back I got up. He gave me the latest installment of his exploits with Portland girls. Eventually we went to the Paradox for lunch and then proceeded with the rest of the day that was already laid out. I am pretty perplexed lately. I have gotten very comfortable with life here in Portland. I have surity in myself that was never quite shown before. This is a perfect place to develop that, and I have met people and grown noticeably, quickly. That’s the thing, the growing. If I continue here like this I will be very developed in a short time. It isn’t just Portland, it is my reaction to my surroundings. A chemical reaction. These hidden parts of me are rising to the surface and developing, because I allowed a positive reaction to my surroundings immediately. I was timid the first day, about meeting Catherine, her being open pushed me from the start to not recoil and start from a low point. I was still riding the high that the last few months of Indiana brought on. The moment I left I started sinking back to beginning, to start over and gain new momentum, but just as I was stepping down a wave came and pushed me back up to just below where I was in Indiana and I built on that in a new place. Wonders. It worked out very well and now I am rolling. And I think it is on all fronts. I don’t have much fear holding me back, some usual culprits, but the growing is working through them. And it is going great. Life is amazing for me and I'm glad to be a part of it.

12/8

We ended up going out last night, Steve and I went to the Beautiful Pizza, had some conversation and vegan pizza, yum. Afterwards we were off to the Belmont Inn for pool and no drinking. Justin met us up there and had a beer. We went home after that and nothing. That was that. I got up today and read the paper, circled some houses, and came here to breakfast. I am going to stop at the Red Light on the way home to buy a hat, then call on those houses...maybe go look at the one on 35th (the one I want) and then go to the library or something. I might make stuffing today for a potluck at Steve’s friends house, but probably not. I want to extrapolate a bit on my dislike. I don’t dislike many people, two that I can name now: my brother and Catherine. Harsh. Why? Because I want to be able to love and trust the people I associate with, and in their own way they are both close to me. And I cant trust wither of them, because they make things up to head off their own lives, and it is really hard to love someone that hates themselves enough to attempt destruction. It is like a waste. I am not all about waste. On a sunnier note, I checked out the house on 2528 35th Pl. It is a really cool place. I got some applications and will turn them in probably on Wednesday. The only thing is that it has no appliances, we would have to acquire and transport them ourselves. But that shouldn’t be a huge deal. Also, I watched the Big Lebowski just a moment ago and am debating further leaving. I developed my latest batch of pictures, and I would like to write a course of letters to send off with photos. This is an example of me right now:



It is like a deer in head lights xpression. But, everything about it explains my current state. I am unsure, a little lost, rising to the occasion, and looking forward. And, I have amazing hair. Yeah, I was thinking about going out to write letters, because I usually write them away from home...hopefully that will change as my living situation changes. It is almost 8:30 and I want to go to the Red and Black, but I haven’t been doing well to write letters lately. Decisions. I'll probably go. I am gonna go.

12/9

And I went, for about an hour and a half. I went to the Red and Black, but they were closing early. Then I rode up and down Hawthorne Belmont and Division. Finally I settled on the Haven. They were closing in a half-hour, they gave me some tips and I rode back up to Belmont, then down Hawthorne, again. I found one place open until midnight. I didn’t go in though, it was a combination of fear, pain, and exhaustion. I was exhausted from riding so much, in pain for the same reason. The fear was how bright the place was and everyone seemed to know each other, so instead of going in for a new experience, everything added up to me at Safeway buying bread and Odwalla. I came home and ate the bread, drank the drink, chatted up with Justin, then settled in for slumber. I got up around 8a, sat around, shat, read the paper, talked to Steve when he rolled in and left for work around 9:15a. Late start, and I like that. Got to work, did my paperwork and then the owners (boss) wife asked me to take a survey. She moved things around on her desk and then stated she was just going to wing it. That lead me thoughts that she was just going to interrogate me. That was the case as it turned out. My forehand deduction culminated in my supreme knowledge on how to deal with it. See, she wanted to catch me in a lie and I was totally honest with her. She probably ended up questioning herself. Anyway, we made it through two questions before I had to leave. I locked my keys in the truck in the middle of the day. Regardless I was done at 2p and did well. On the way home I stopped at a bead shop and spent too much money. Thirty Dollars. Ouch. But, I bought nearly 500 feet of hemp and some large beads for the thick hemp I am trying to eat up. When I got home I was on a bead high and then Catherine said a word to me and I started to lose my gumption until I realized she was handing me my mail from Rob and that mail was needed, I was bumped up amazingly, so I asked if I had any phone calls. There was one from, guess, Powell’s! The level I was on made it a sure thing, but that was quickly deflated. There was sincerity in his letting me know, I think they kind of liked me. It was a gumption deflator, but it was offset by the letter, so I still feel pretty good about everything. I have left the home at a decent enough time to ensure accommodation. I am at the Paradox now, indulging. Way too much money is going through me. Like I am spending too much for someone wanting to save. I bought a hat from the Red Light just a moment ago for five bucks, dinner, and tomorrow I have a show to attend...and Thursday! Way to much cash missing on frivolous items. But, obviously, it doesn’t really bother ,e. It is the smoke 'em if ya got 'em ethic applied to money. I am going to eat now. Vegan gyros, yum. One thing I want to touch on today, which I touched on very lightly in my first week in Portland. The correlation between Catherine and Tiffany, and Catherine and Joe, and the way I describe my journals to some people. We will do a 3-1-2 here. I have been known to describe my journals as the Bible, a maintenance book, basically a way of remembering how I dealt with situations that were presented to me. Then I flipped it, because I have told people that I keep these to know (remember) how I...(wait, this is going off track for a second as I remember the way I actually described all these journals.) The Supreme Court. They rule on cases so that lesser courts have a model to form too, I keep this so I do different things, variety. When I first got here, the story I gave to Catherine before I had sex with her was the Tiffany story, the similarities. And, they were very similar up to that moment. The difference being I said to myself in the Tiffany case that I would stay out of a sexual relationship in order to live with her. Opposite (my diaries are working) reaction to Carfin. I went for it, disregarding what I felt would happen. And now I have a basis of comparison...and I know what works. With Tiffany situation I gained a lifelong friend who has visited me three times and helped me through troubled times. I have been (amazingly) as much a comfort and help to her. Now, for future reference when moving in with a girl I know it is better to just be friends, because while sex with Catherine was good, it was not worth what has transpired. And nearly the same thing in the disparity between Carfin and Joe. Except, I still am without a decent way to deal with a raging alcoholic that lives with you. Next time I am in that situation I don’t know what I'll try, but it wont be pointing out all faults and yelling matches, or totally ignoring everything about that person. So, a few days ago I was wondering to myself to myself as to why I actually keep all these diaries and today I have answered that. And answered it well. Oh, I am so happy when realizations like this wash over me, I wrote a letter loosely based on that to Rob. It is like the letter I wrote to Diane, very praisical and I feel very good about all of it. My blue pen has died and I am using a borrowed pen from the Haven. I just finished a letter to Frances and I feel good about what was said in it.

12/10/02

I fear I am spending too much money, still. This is my second meal at the Paradox today, making my food total at least $22 today, then I have also bought stamps and a new pen, $10, and I have entertainment expenses yet to come as I am still going to the Blackbird later for a "math-rock" concert consisting of King Cobra, V for Vendetta and Rizzudo. I have never heard any of the bands. And, today was a major breakthrough in my hemp braiding skills. I have taught myself a new technique, subbing colors to make what ends up to be a mean necklace. I started with a bracelet, I make bracelets out of necklai remnants and often I have scrapper pieces that I would just toss...now, yes now I use nearly all of the hemp goodness. And I did stock today, I have 19 necklai and 4 bracelai I am not sure if that is alot or not, but if I should decide to sell them it would generate some cash. Of course, I probably wont end up selling them. I have trouble extracting monetary gain from art, it kind of makes me feel dirty. I didn’t want to mention it, but Carfin has invaded my sanctuary, she is here, now. At the Paradox...luckily, she is out of my line of sight! Steve and I were joking about her last night, because her new BF has moved all his stuff into the apartment, so she locked the cats in our bedroom and, well it really didn’t make me happy. And, the two of us have been taking cracks at her insistence to be idiotic, so that is that. Hopefully, like she said, they will be out by the 15th...hopefully, we cant really trust a "coke-whore" (as Steve referred to her once, and that was hilarious) now can we? It appears as if the Paradox is closing now at 9p, much earlier than expected because I wanted to arrive at the Blackbird around 10p...it doesn’t take anywhere near that long to get from here to there. I'll probably just end up sitting on the bench outside for a half-hour or something. I spent a decent amount of time at the library, on the computer, writing to people through Xanga. One a person from Xanga, and also to Mary Johnson, Kelly, and Houck. I have been wanting to write letters to Mary, Houck, Matt, BeeJay, and Cousin Lisa...I just haven’t found the right environment to open that bucket of worms, but it will happen, hopefully this year. That is one of the best things about the ending of the year, lame jokes (or plays on words) like that. I started a few that were just not working a quarter of the way through so I ended them, if I make it further than a quarter I'll usually finish them, force myself to write uninspired words. It doesn’t do a thing for the quality of the letter. And, with my praisical phase right now, I don’t want to lead anyone on. These letter need to be well thought out and sent at the right time, like have a child an unplann (I'll just end that train of thought now.) Catherine just left and acknowledged me at the door. That is that, I guess I can go outside right now...or even head up to the show, might as well. And, about ten minutes later, I am seated at the Blackbird with a Rolling Rock that I really cannot afford. But, not to regret, nothing is, I am doing as I should. On my way to work today, I visualized explained to singularity to someone, and I explained it as honesty; reducible to one, one God, one people, one Planet, one singularity (one everything). It was more dramatic and better explained (to myself in my head) this morning, but I thought it was worth mentioning. Coming to these shows really helps me appreciate the way I have grown. Regardless of the elitist outlook, seeing these people (who aren’t much, if any, younger than me) allows me to see me (at least on the outside) as I was, and properly judge the changes made. And this all impedes me meeting new people, but I am growing as myself, and right now that is what is important.

12/11/02

Well, here I sit. I am at Starbucks coffee shop in West Linn (because there is just nowhere else) and one of the workers is a girl that Justin and I met at the Red and Black one night awhile ago...I just checked back to the 23rd, and there isn’t much mention of her. I have been trying not to stray and extrapolate on Justin and Steve’s encounters, and I felt that was one of Justin’s encounters so I just touched on it. I left last night early again. Steve showed up with a girl, Maya, who I think went to SLC around the time I was there. I didn’t talk to her much, or at all really. The first band, Rizzudo, I really like; King Cobra, the second band, fronted by Rachel Carns, was also very good. V for Vendetta wasn’t that interesting. King Cobra sounded like the Transfused and I was reminiscent, it was good. The first band, I think, is local. I have seen their bass player either at the Red and Black or at the Paradox. I thought she was cute before, but seeing her up on stage, a master of her instrument, she was amazingly sexy. And, during her performance last night, thoughts of New York dance din my head. I was really into their music and I remembered my naiveté in NY, particularly a situation when I told Tiffany and Virginia that women couldn’t justly cover a man song. I would slap myself if I said that kind of thing now. And I just think of the other stupid things I must’ve said at that time, I couldn’t remember them all. Luckily, I spent most of my time locked in my room creating, or learning from Rob. I have said it before, those nine months were the most progressive for me. Looking back I cannot believe how much I discovered (good and bad) about myself and life, I am still deciphering some of the things. Being here right now, I kind of feel I am back at the Starbucks in Indiana...I had felt watched there, as I do right now. Perhaps I should come here to read more often and see what comes of it. That was a joke. I worked kind of late, for that $3(taxable) extra on my paycheck. When I got home, Justin and I rather promptly left to look at some houses. First we went to one on 50th and Division, which looks nice, but no move in until February. That mostly scratches that place unless we all pull a month out of our collected asses. Then Justin and I went to the place on 35th, and Justin was impressed (I think). The place is even cooler the second time, which is a good thing. I think Justin is a bit more eased on the appliance thing, but I also think we are moving very close to losing that place via procrastination and second guesses. My hair is amazing, very versatile. I found $20 today at a hobby shop, a big one, and I thought about going to turn it in, but how ludicrous that would be (being that it would most likely be kept, or what, would they page the store "found $20 bill, reclaim at service desk", what a joke), so I bought so beads and some clay to bake, and this Paradoxical dinner. And this dinner has just been brought to me. And it was a good dinner. I don’t know what I am feeling right now, most of my being is focused on moving out and where that will be. Sometimes I find myself wishing that someone would ask me what is up with my hair, but that never happens. Sad. Most people probably think I have a messed up mullet, or that I am balding.

12/12/02

I don’t know where to begin as I want to touch on a few things that happened today. I think the rains have finally come, as I am completely (utterly, most decidedly) soaked. From the apt. to the Paradox, I haven’t been this wet outside the shower since sometime in August (I think) in Indiana. I feel so great about it too, I haven’t been happy like this...well, I have been. Anyway, I feel good, I was yelling in the rain, making crazy hand gestures at the safe and dry motorists destroying the world and, well, that is enough. A quick afterthought, the rain just died. So, getting on with today, I will start at the beginning. Today work gives us checks for the amount of money we spend on gas during the previous week. I gave them two receipts that totaled $36. Regardless of how or why, that is how much they assume I spent on gas, as the two receipts were bona-fide. The check I was cut was for $15. That is less than half of the total and I looked at it thinking it was wrong, but decided to dwell on it longer to be sure, and to attack it with some foreknowledge. I'll do that tomorrow. During work it was horrible, besides the rain I encountered an extreme right-winger that liked to talk. She said things like "I fooled the Arabs, I use wood to heat my house","we have enough oil in Alaska we don’t need the Arabs, those tree-huggers wont let us have it","what is more important, trees or oil?","those terrorists wont get me","I should go to Washington and talk to President straight","we got the bomb, why don’t we use it on those Arabs", and other such things. And, for sake of time and argument, I nodded along. Work, at least mine, doesn’t really allow an individual to be an individual. We are taught to be mirrors, the customer is always right...so, am I wrong? It is just another silly compromise I make for this job, I am opinionless, not by force, but by deduction. I really cant, or am not supposed to give the company a stance it is always neutral, thus I must be neutral. And by deduction, imagine if I voiced my opinion to this lady, adamant in her ways, as extreme as Dubya wants to be, imagine, and in her home. That was pretty much all of the excitement at work, oh, I requested Dec. 25 to 29 and Jan. 3 to 6 off of work too. The former for a possible trip to Vancouver with Steve, the latter for Diane’s visit. When I got home, after visiting Trader Joes for some chips and guacamole, no one was there, and that made me happy. All the cats were gone except the fifth one, Catherine’s live-in boyfriends cat. That thing just sits there and stares, honestly. I listened to "One Beat" by Sleater-Kinney, ate chips and then showered. Last night I made some clay jewels out of the Fimo I bought. Only a few of them came out, but it was the first batch and I now understand much better how it all works.

12/14/02

Yesterday wasn’t much, as evidenced in my writing. I finished reading "Zen" for the second time and some things sank in. He talked about time, and how Ancient Greeks looked upon it. If I am standing and looked forward, I am looking at the past...and the future comes from behind us. Simple, we can see the past, but not the future, it is simple and true. And, it reflects on current trains of thought that suggest "looking forward, to the future" or the mindset of dwelling on the past. It brings to light the truth of the matter, that we are kind of set in dwelling on the past, and vehemently denying it every chance there is. Looking forward is seeing the past...so, those that think backwards bring about the greatest range of change. Because I finished that, today I started reading "Mans Search for Meaning" by Victor Frankl. It is engrossing, I spent all morning with it and am about 80 pages in. Today has been mostly nothing too, hopefully the applications for the house on 35th will be turned in today, I wanted to go downtown to pick up a CD that I ordered, but I have failed to do so. I checked out "Peoples History of the U.S." from the library today as I am like lightning through this new book. Yeah, the plan that I stated to Justin was to finish the book, go to library, go downtown, go to Paradox. I didn’t finish the book and I skipped downtown. No big deal, perhaps I'll go tomorrow. I was listening to TMG and a song goes "the rain didn’t come for one calendar year" then he talks about a man coming to town selling seeds and being sent away, and then it is all repeated and the end of the song is "I know you're waiting for the ironic ending, so am I, so am I." I feel that the current weather is my ironic ending, although it isn’t very ironic, and nowhere near the end. Hopefully the guy called about the house in my absence and Justin dealt with it, and then we get the house and all is well on the Western Front. It is doubted, but maybe...just maybe. Oh, how I wish that we could just get the fuck out of that apartment and on with our lives. I have been looking forward lately, that is thinking of the past. I feel that I didn’t maximize my benefits...basically I didn’t do things the best way and it isn’t that I feel bad about or regret anything, just that now I want to contact some people and am unsure how to approach it. I am coming close to the conclusion that the way I deal with people isn’t very beneficial in the long short term. In the long run, those people that I actually deal with and get close to I usually stick with. But I identify and discriminate too quickly to allow many things in. Of course, reworking this, the groundwork of human interaction, now would be like overhauling the NY subway, I am working well enough right now to stave off a major re-working until it is absolutely necessary. The way Rob works is amazing, giving himself to complete strangers, at a bar, giving giving giving. I don’t give unless asked, and it takes the right questions for me to me to give so freely. And, this is where problem lies, where the roads butt together to form an unending circle that is usually only entered by accident: see, I don’t ask either. This is my problem, I wont ask and wont tell unless asked. That is identification of the problem, the next step is working toward fixing the problem...or, more accurately, identifying if the problem is wanted to be fixed, and then we go from there to move on to whole, or the Greek "arête" or Zen’s "Quality". We are getting a move on.

12/15

Last night culminated into a rough morning. Rob, in his letter, talked of nursing a massive hangover, and thought about the processes of dealing with a hangover and tried something different. Somehow, I justified it to myself that riding to the Paradox would be a good way to rid my system of that shite. I was very wrong, and it amassed to me in the form of a major headache, diarrhea, embarrassment (I wrote that, but I didn’t feel that, it seemed like a normal emotion in the line of words I was writing, and it wasn’t an actual feeling felt); and, while I was in the bathroom of the Paradox wiping, they have a large mirror right there, just a view that one doesn’t normally see. Anyway, the night preceding this morning was fun, a little bit reckless and pretty unnecessary, but it still felt good (at the time). I had some beer at the house, four of them...then Justin and I went to the bar. I played some songs, some pool, had some more drinks, about four. During that time, I had fun, watching people and such, talking with people. When our pool buddies left, so did we. I only remember one of the people, Elizabeth Zinger...the others were Brad Chris and Nick. I talked most to Zinger (what she likes to be called) though. In my drunkenness I invited them all to Steve’s party, afterwards. None of them came, but Justin and I went. We stopped at home first (I was well drunk, so I grabbed apiece of bread and two of Catherine’s beers) so Justin could get some pot. We went there and I continued to be drunk, talking to Steve’s friends, eventually I was taking off my clothes and soon enough, leaving. Yeah my drunkenness is probably something hilarious to see. We got home around 3:30 or 4a. I was completely wasted. So I talked, to Steve. For a long while I was filling his head with my drunken views on life, which are the same as my sober views on life, except in drunk, I express them. And it felt good, good things were said, loud and drunk I was talking about suffering and why to live, many ideas that I am getting from the book "Mans Search". In the morning I asked how coherent I was, how clearly it was understood, and he said that it came across decently. Then the breakfast melee and I took off from the Paradox, came home and shat long, then slept for hours. It was the correct (or at least a better way) to deal with a hangover. When I awoke I had the leftover of my soup which was most of it and left to meet Steve for chess at the Haven where I am now and he just showed up for said game. And the games have ensued, 2-1, me. And still counting. I feel good about all of this, I need to go home soon, however, to sew my work pants as the entire crotch has gone the way of rip. I shall do that, and work tomorrow for this bread, my daily bread (joke). I am getting ready to sleep right now, and I am not looking forward to work. I sewed the pants, like 12 big stitches of doubled up hemp. It aint going anywhere. I feel good about that, I brought up the idea, quite seriously, to Steve about moving into a three bedroom apt. in this complex just to be out of here and on a month-to-month that gives us better range of movement, so we can take all of ourselves to stock and maximize our potential.

12/16

So, I was just thinking of two things I wrote and this power surge that Steve is going through in relation to his surity. It echoes the surity I had of myself with girls over the summer. I think he is tooling around in what I call "reckless abandon". He has abandoned reservation and is recklessly wielding his new understanding...and this is something he must learn on his own. Anyway, I wrote "I put my man into her girl", and "our submissive genes are pooling together". The correlation isn’t totally obvious, I will break them down. The first comes from "Faking IT" and is both figurative and literal. I literally injected my penis into her vagina, but it plays figuratively on power struggle; man=the strong, girl=the weak. I put my strength into her weakness. Or it could be taken that I overpowered or took advantage of the positioning. That may be what Steve is doing now, without knowledge, and is defiantly what I went through over the summer. Of course, all of the girls that were involved with me were emotionally unstable, I know that, and were probably looking for someone with surity (or blindness of power) to counteract their "submissive genes". Here is why this is all coming out: last night Alisha slept over, Alisha the as-to-here known lesbian. She slept between Steve and I, she left shortly before I did, so I had a chance to talk to Steve. He said that she lifted her shirt, put Steve’s hand on her side and then he kissed her, and as far as I know not much else happened. It has been suggested that lesbians become that way because of power struggle, trying to get away from the dominant hand of man, yet being repulsed by their weaknesses in others. Thus searching out for females that act like men. Or men that act like females. Anyway, in situations like these, usually the so-called weaker party victors by throwing a rock into the inflated ego of the one in the power situation. This is done when she realizes that Steve is a guy and she will turn away from him, confusing and deflating him...and when realization of the situation comes to pass, he will feel like an asshole. He already has in at least one situation, and so have I...so have I. And, as an afternote, this is not a literal reflection of a course of events, merely a psychological projection of a situation that I am outside of and semi-internalizing because it reflects emotions that have recently overcome me. After thinking for an hour about what I wrote, I realize that I failed to explain properly the catalyst. The submissive genes. When they pooled together for me, it was well, it was calculated supremely. And in the aftermath the realizations are worth the experience, mine was the party frothing with girls that had interest in me and I had some interest in them, the bittersweetness, the spoil, came in the form of Carfin. That was the submissive genes pooling together to overpower and overpopulate me. That isn’t something to discuss much further, but Alisha could be the pooling together for Steve. Who knows? She is a wonderfully vibrant and very fun person to be around, I just hope that it isn’t all a cruel joke, Hah. Geez, all this serious talk, what happened to simply recounting what has happened. I feel so suffocate din my job. I am at work right now, this is what I get paid for. It is a fucking joke. Why wont someplace progressive hire me. When I left the house this morning, I didn’t want to go to work...and I said as much to Steve as he laid in bed. I need some inspiration, honestly. Steve may or may not like his job, but he works with some wonderful people to make things bearable. That is a luxury I am not afforded, my compensation is money. And I squander that because it is relatively unimportant. I think my definitions and attempts at definitions of life are wholly unwarranted. Reading some of the things written by me, interpretations of life, they sound as if I have some kind of grasp, or formal teachings. These are all just personal deductions of my life and the life around me based off of personal previous experiences. Personal truth, that is all I can say it is. I say this because as I am reading "Mans Search" it occurs to me that many of the books I read are saying to me personal truth, what the author has bounced off of personal experience and found to be true, to work. There are moments of reflection in life, everything around you continues, but you aren’t affected by it, it is outside and you are inside, shielded from the elements. Those are the truly beautiful moments of life, experiencing that, or those, it gives me a jolt of hope, a resurrection of meaning, in that moment I almost feel as if my search for meaning has ended and that moment is my "why" for life. So, I left the house awhile ago to go to the Haven to finish reading "Search", immediately after entering Tom McGovern accosted me and we engaged in conversation for two hours, talking again about many things, he recommended burning my journals. I don’t have anything to really do with them after they are all typed up, but I wont be burning them, my hand (fingers) hurt everyday from writing so much.

12/17

So, as I was on my way to the library, I rode by the Haven. I saw Erika and Analisa outside, with Erika crying. Tom and I were, well that topic arised last night. So, I had a conversation with her in my head, I said: "why are you crying" and she didn’t answer. I continued "Its raining, you shouldn’t cry". She asked why, and I replied "because sadness brings the rain, and we don’t need the rain right now." She smiled. Of course, now that I analyze the train of thought and interpret what I actually said, perhaps it wasn’t the best. And, of course, this was (and still is) totally internal, so it isn’t even able to be regretted if I had so wanted. I just want to correct my thoughts, no matter their loudness or reason. The problem in that internal conversation is everything I said after I asked her why. I, first, tell her what she should do, where it is well known a person ahs freedom of being, it is natural to be without control and any attempt to steer a persons feelings is not only feeble but inherently wrong, it goes back to that power struggle I wrote of a few days ago. Then I speak of sadness bringing rain, when it should be inherent knowledge that happiness brings sadness. And, who am I to know what one or all really need. By saying we don’t need rain, it is also implying that she doesn’t need to be sad. And this continues in the personal question who am I to know what another needs. Sometimes, I take into thought things I once wrote about disparity. I think it was "a river never knows the disparity of its needs", and that, I internalize now in relation to people and personal understanding. When I think of myself I often come back to the conclusion that I know very little about myself and because of that I justify my stance on not understanding others past the point of what is divulged to me...but, this doesn’t cancel out the fact that I am still not very interested in knowing others intimately right now. I have my hands full with myself.

12/18

Early morning, before work. Alisha came over and slept in the collective bed again. They got home around 5a, as I am told, and before that, I was thinking that he would bring her home. Yeah, Steve and I talked a bit, laughed, she came in and we talked and laughed, then slept. So, that has no bearing on anything, I think that she and Steve should be a couple, it seems obvious enough, the attraction. But, they are both naturally attractive people, so maybe that offsets something...don’t know. I don’t think that Erika was even crying last night, for the record. Just a manifestation of my mind so that I could further manifest a conversation. But, people talked to me last night at open mic and I am beginning to understand my disparity of needs. And, of course, the course of action I set upon to achieve my needs. I need to be more fluid with people, less uptight, less demanding. I feign understanding of people, fake that I may be better than them when, in reality, I know nothing of them to be better than. My new mission is to know more people. I saw last night people wanting to talk to me, wanting me to read poetry, and it is some sick game I play...saying "ask and ye shall receive", they asked and I gave nothing I said you didn’t ask right and if I keep that up people are going to stop asking. So, there are two weeks before the next open mic and I am going to have at least two poems ready to be read. And furthermore, I will read them, hah. Goals, and I have to leave for work. Work was horrible, but there is no real reason to extrapolate on that. I started rewriting "Shadow, Mirror" for one of the poems, at work. I was on a roll, really feeling what I was turning it into, then the homeowner showed and spoiled it. After my hellish day of work I turned back to the poem, semi-forced myself to write it and don’t really like the direction it ended up going in, it is not the vision I had mid-day. But that is of little consequence, they are merely words. I don’t think I'll be leaving the house this evening. I am bummed out from work and with my to not retard my new outlook on talking to people, I will just stay in. We'll see, it is still early, that is just my momentary feeling and tentative plan. Off of the path, hearing some people talk just turn me off from people completely. I am sitting here listening to the drunkard and her guy talking to each other. She is always out there, and he is just an idiot/jabberwocky. It kind of hurts my ears when I hear him lower his voice as he speaks of almost fighting Asian high school kids on the bus. That, to me, is his understanding (yet unable to control) his idiocy. He knows that what he is saying is inherently stupid so he lowers the decibel level so not many people can hear. Usually I don’t hear Jabberwocky (his new nickname), so I hadn’t really been able to like or dislike him. Well after twenty minutes of his blathering nonsense and incoherent threats I can say with some surity that he is an imbecile. Yeah.

12/19

I had my own imbecile moment today. While I was driving (ugh) back from Hillsboro (to the Paradox) I saw a kid walking down the street and just toss a paper fast food cup into an alley, without breaking stride. I thought of what I would say to him, what I would do in his situation, led an exploration into his mindset, and I was going to write all of the processes and conclusions, but I am not in the mood. When I went into work, we had a talk about my horrible day, and I was almost fired. I thought of how only a month or so earlier all I wanted was to be fired. Tables are turned. I don’t want to be fired right now. But, I had more details and personal psychoses to go into with that, I am just not in the mood. I am still not in the mood to extrapolate on what I was saying earlier. I locked my keys in the truck again...instead of calling the office, I just broke the lock. Fuck it. It is beginning to come clear what my brother saw in me, in relation to work. I am not good at it, and the biggest reason is because I don’t want to be, and I cannot force myself to want something. These mistakes are me telling me that this is not the path I should be on, I should be moving forward and instead I am in a state of stagnation. I had a dream last night, it is hard to recount right now: Steve was laying in the road, clutching his stomach, I was standing over him, some cops were coming and I told him, he didn’t care, the cops went around us and then turned around (I don’t think they were looking for us), we had words and through some course of events we were at a party...something happened but I can no longer remember. I think that this series of events in relation to work is because I was starting to feel comfortable, even envisioning myself being with the company for a long period of time. This turn around is self-induced, subconscious is saying to conscious "if you forget about it, you will fail and I will take over." That is what is happening, because I cannot bring myself to cut myself off, the subconscious is doing it for me in a less than perfect way. I am at the Paradox for the second time today, earlier for lunch (forced short by the bastard of work) and now for dinner. I, right now, feel very purposeless. When I got home from work I said "I hate my jo..." and I stopped and internally I said "don’t say life, don’t say life." And, at that moment I really wanted to say "I hate my life". I watched the movie "Dazed and Confused" on Justin’s VCR and TV last night. I used to really like that movie, but I am really disgusted with it now. The same guy that made "Waking Life" made "D and C", I am pretty sure and if that is the case, I am really glad to see how he has grown in his filmmaking. Right now, I don’t feel like there is anything to say/write.

12/20

So, life, yeah. Last night was fun, I went to see some bands at the Meow Meow. I don’t remember the name of the first band, but they were amazing. The second band put me to sleep (literally) and the Haggard was way too heavy for me...it was a bike benefit though. I came home and chatted with Justin and Steve a bit, Alisha came over, I didn’t go to sleep at least until 2a, and that wasn’t good or bad, but I had to be at work earlier than usual for a "safety meeting", whatever. I sat there and didn’t say anything at all. They spoke of my incident, today I don’t want to work there, reversal of fortune...it is too much. Steve told me last night of how he wanted to be homeless for awhile and the same sentiment has been washing over my body. I really enjoy Portland, but comfortability is a gateway to stagnation, I have been stagnant (and passing it off as action) for too long. Time to re-acquaint. Just a quick note, as I attempt to talk to people more, I voluntarily said words to Catherine today... Not many, but that’s not important. The movie "8 Mile" has made it to the small screen and I am going to see it around. The Paradox from now til then. Work was nothing, I am moving more and more towards not caring about anything non-essential. I bought some Jute today from a thrift store, a lot of it. It is kind of like yarn, but it has the strength of hemp. I have already made a necklace and a bracelet...it is kind of itchy, and Justin is becoming my salesperson, promoting my wares at his work. He says that he has one sold already, I am giving prices from $3-10. Three dollars for Jute bracelets. Four dollars for Hemp bracelets. Five dollars for Jute necklaces. Seven-ten dollars for hemp necklai. I think those are quite reasonable prices, diverse enough to dispel suspicion, low enough to not ask any questions. Thinking of things I have done and will do, have done: the letter to BeeJay and Matt was sent out at a great time, it will probably either be lost in holiday hoopla or heartfeltingly (hah) accepted; will do: go bald, and I will look really good too. I was re-reading my birthday in the book, and it is more accurate as time progresses. It says that I need to guard against being disappointed with people, because it will tip my scale away from balanced...leading more towards egotistical asshole. And, that is exactly what is going on, I am very disappointed with people.

12/21

Bobbie called me this morning. She says that I have to pull jury duty in Crown Point in February. She said, though, that they would pay$.28 a mile, and that could be lucrative. We figured it would be about $700 one way. I think that only comes into effect if you actually serve, however. That was how I woke up. My brother called me last night, drunk. Don’t really know what he wanted, don’t really care...it was a typical move. I feigned drunkenness as I had recently gotten back from the bar with Justin, where I consumed one alcoholic drink. There wasn’t much feeling for the Triple Nickel last night, after I saw "8 Mile" (which I really enjoyed) I went home and made more jute bracelei and when Steve got home, we gave each other some shit, and then he went to sleep while I waited for Justin. Then we went out, that was it. Got home closer to 2:30a and slept. Maybe yelled a bit first, probably. But eventually I slept until Justin brought me the brother phone. Breakthrough, as I live and breathe, and immerse myself in a friendly banter with one of two waitressi at the Paradox. I am winning.

12/22

"It is hard to keep up with me, and I don’t expect or recommend people to try"--my summation to Steve of what I said to Frances about myself. That was last night, in the midst of an epic conversation Steve and I had. Basically I started it in relation to his situation with Holly Brandt...a girl that at one time I was supposed to go to New Orleans with and who has a long distance/sustainable relationship with Steve. They have 3 and 4 hour phone conversations and are attracted to each other in every imaginable way (aside from "true" physical, because they've never met) yet they (from Steve’s telling me) skirt the issue and I confronted him with his emotion, I was getting at my honesty about my feelings is the reason I have close friends, and few friends, his embracing of...I don’t know, and don’t want to marginalize. The conversation was amazing for both parties involved and it lasted most of the night. We probably fell asleep around six in the a.m. It was worth it. I will not even try to get into everything that was said, but it was an honest look at each other in relation to goals, aspirations, shortcomings, life. It was really beautiful, got up around 10:30, and off to the Paradox...some chess at the Haven, drop off some rental apps for a house on 52nd and Burnside, and keep on going...Jason Traeger is playing tonight and I am not giving up on a good thing. I am going to try to make something out of Jute or Hemp every single day from now on, at least one thing...goal. After I made (actually during) my necklace for today Steve and I removed most of the labels from our clothes. I lost the "Vegetarian Shoes" on each shoe, the "Dickies" labels on my pants, and the AK Press button I where I wear on my shirt. I feel much lighter and cleaner. Steve is no longer doing the show tonight, it escalated to a heated discussion. Him saying "I want to go, but I am tired" me saying "it is okay if you don’t want to go" and him responding "I want to go" and me "do what you want to do then" and circles from there. My point was that if he wanted to go, he would and by not going that is saying he didn’t want to go...and that is okay. He insisted, though, that he wanted to go, and in turn I insisted that he do what he wants. Anyway, he is out with a girl--Jen, right now, then a brief dinner with me at Kalga Cafe, and we split ways again. I to the show; he, in all his tiredness, to Alishas house. And that is okay. So, after tonight I will have about $1000 in the bank. And, I am moving into some place new, within the next ten days. One of my points last night was how I felt at Big Sur, about pumping the pedals with no place to go back too, and no real destination either. That feeling The feelings that came over me at that time, I want that again. Not having anything material (outside necessity) no real cares (except eating) and no worry, no forward future past backward, just now and pumping. So, I entertained the idea again I made the point that I wouldn’t mind, and in most situations actually rather, being back in that condition. A thousand dollars, for me, could stretch a long way. My skills can get me some kind of work wherever I am. I could sort of drop out of touch with friends and family, maybe even Steve (for extended periods of time, but probably the only comforting soul I can look too). That is my current vision of happiness, here I have written nearly (actually more than) half of this book in a month, imagine when I am out, with genuinely new things, a real world devoid of petty personal problems, focused on survival, true need. I can imagine that and it isn’t hard. It is wholly attainable and more than the idea I may entertain the action...soon. Steve just arrived here for the dinner interlude...

12/23

I have no motivation to do anything today. Barely worked, same tomorrow and a long time off. I was serious about what I wrote last night, and after telling Steve, tunneling occurs, it digs deeper. I think as a from the lack of motivation I am just going to see "8 Mile" again. My shoelace broke this morning, my first act to snap the lack was make a new shoelace, that failed. Hopefully the movie works. Well, the movie was a good idea, until I read the paper...I had missed the showing. So, naturally I searched for other movies...eventually deciding on "Siddhartha" on the NW side. This is my first time riding the NW outside of CM, it is nice. I was having a chai before the show and engaged, with an older man, in conversation about black labs...if I remember I will tell Justin some of the things I learned, he really likes black labs. Anyway, as I was leaving the house for downtown I checked the mail. Justin and Steve each had two or three Christmas cards (Justin’s total is like 7, Steve’s is 5 or so), I got one...my total is two. The first from Alexandria, the second from my father. It also had a surprise in it, an authentic check for $400. Now, with that extra money, couldn’t I just invest in bike gear and have a true grand for a solo bike tour? I could. And, I will invest much of it in bike gear, although I have already bought two cds (previously planned), this movie, and that chai. I was surprised by the amount, thought about sending it back and then deposited it. He obviously wants me to have it, I don’t know if he can afford it, but his spirit is overwhelming. He, my father, is one of the most generous people I have ever met and I have learned alot from him...not only in the realms of generosity. And, this is still before the movie, I have motivation now. The future is an attainable idea right now, I feel great about it and I know that whatever my fate is, I will be successful and happy...on this quest to be whole, I the quest of life I am engaged in is assuring me that I will be whole. That movie was a very bad rendition of the book. It was very untrue to the original storyline...and I don’t understand why books translated to film must change the ending. I am going to mostly forget the images that occurred tonight, and am going to stick with the images in my head, as they are much more beautiful than the movie. I am at the Red and Black for the first time in quite awhile, and I feel good about it. (Taped in is the card from my father, and a receipt for the two cds: Jad Fair and Teenage Fanclub, and Yo La Tango)

12/24

I have one job left before work ends for 5 days, wow. I am into that, I had a dream about Kurt Cobain last night...we, he and I, were in Justin’s bedroom and then my brother came in and Kurt and I left for my bedroom we sat on the floor and I, wait, when (he was a girl now) I asked how much it cost to print a copy of his journals and he said ten bucks each...we talked about that for awhile and then we started to make out on the chair. I pushed him away and then we made out on the bed (he was a guy both times) then I woke up, got dressed, then woke up Steve to tell him about it. Both of the CD's I bought are amazing. I find writing right now laborsome as it feels like I am avoiding something personal and I am not entirely sure what...most likely it has to do with holiday avoidance. When yesterday I told Steve of my cash advance from my father the first thing he asked was if I was leaving. Excitedly he said "you have enough money now, are you leaving." I had thought about that alot, I mean, I can spend that money purely on bike gear, then still have a true grand plus for living expenses. February will be the earliest. People motives are so hard to understand, and I am disgusted when I see a female eat meat. I tend to think that women are better than men and I think that most women should find meat-eating manly and disgusting. I don’t know...I don’t eat meat. In the last three years or so, I have only eaten meat once consciously...that was an extreme bout with "why" and surp (am I living, am I here, what to do, am I right, etc.) not surprisingly, that was when I got to Indiana from Santa Barbara, I had a piece of sweet n' Sour chicken in the middle of the night. And eating that not only solved nothing, but made me hate myself more. Rough times, luckily that is past and I have a rather firm grip on my personal reality right now...luckily. And this present, these times, I feel more connected. (Although, right now, in the rain, hearing the music inside yet being outside makes me feel disconnected.) I just rode here from work, and the weather is turning me away form writing outside.

Dec. 25

Figures. Feels good. Today is a very boring day, so many things are closed off. Although I did become a member at Peoples Food Co-op and play chess with Steve at the Haven. Tom was there and Steve met him, I voiced my secondary bike travel plans and Tom said he likes talking to me, but he could find someone else. They closed we came home and ate lunch. Then went to catch a movie on the NE side, at the Lloyd center. After the show we came home and I made some kick ass stew. I really liked it. And then we all just sat around...and still are. Justin says that he will leave Portland if we don’t get this house and he doesn’t keep his Powell’s job. I am going to leave if we don’t get the house...the fucked up thing about it all is Diane, she is coming 3-6 and if we don’t get said house I don’t know what'll happen. I guess it'll suck for her...but she would be previously informed. As a matter of fact, she called today. I wasn’t around, I was at movie. Probably I will call her back tomorrow. She probably has something to say about her impending trip, finalizations or cancellations and what not. I don’t know, and whatever. (Taped in here are the receipt from Peoples membership, and the movie stub (Lord of the Rings II)

12/26

I wrote my father an email today and spent most of the money he sent me. I bought some new brake pads, weatherproof gloves, a rain jacket, and some glass earrings. They are four gauge...and very cool. I also priced a new bicycle...the 2003 Cannondale "Bad Boy", it is going to be around $800 and that will be okay. (As I sigh). Right now I should have $1100 in the bank and, for this house, will need at least $1000 of it (for me, $700; for Steve, $300...that will bring the total of money he owes me to right around $400). If all goes according to plan I hope to have my resources back up to $1000 by the end of Feb., that is without buying the bike...although if I really bit down I could buy the bike and still reach that goal. During these next few weeks, I should slow down at work to where I'll make between $200-350 a week, averaging around $300. My rent will run around $300 a month. If I put $100 a week toward the bike, that would be 8 weeks, that is feasible...I think that way I could still be close to $1000 at the end of that time for me, and this is all without taking what Steve owes me into account. If I should shoot for liftoff in two months, at the beginning of March, that is good. Planning this is making it better, I will be able to project a very decent route, taking into account hostels, natural foods, campsites, etc. And, if I leave at the beginning of Spring, the weather should be much kinder to me. Because, the more I think about it, it would be silly to leave her now, outright silliness. Regardless, it is going well, I think, depending on the size of my next check, and all other things, I am going to put as much money as possible toward the bike (upward around $400) to give myself a nice base to work off of and to ensure that I get it and get used to it before I just take off (like I did last time). Everything is turning me on today, I am just so happy, at the bike shop one of the girls asked me "are you one of those people that always has a smile on their face?" Of course I am. And I am proud of that distinction. Today, I started reading "Lila" by Robert Pirsig, author of "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance", it is supposed to be a sequel of sorts and, so far, it kind of is...but it is more like a prequel. I am still kind of unsure about that letter to Mary, I don’t know if it shows, but the last few lines were tough to write. I am at the Paradox now, having just finished vegan gyros, yum, it is a quarter til ten and I guess I had better take off, but there is really no place to go. The front tire on my bike (rim, too) was from Steve’s old bike, and the tire developed a hole that allowed the tube to pop...I took the tire remaining and replaced it...but this wont hold that long as it has the same problem that the previous one has. Taking all this into account, I may be buying a mew bike sooner than expected. But, my writing has been largely focused on this and it would be best to simply let time tell. I am going to go home now. (Taped to this entry: receipt for River city, and aftercare instructions for the ear stretching)

12/27

I am at the library. I emailed Mary to get her address, so I could send away that letter. I don’t know if she will give her info, and I don’t know why I care. Honestly. Steve is, right now, talking with a beautiful bike girl whose bike he left a note on awhile ago and I am worrying about how to get people from the past to allow me to correspond with them. I really need to open up what is inside of me, let it breathe, then forget about it. It is a constant torment. Soon enough though, these self-constructed barriers and push forward at unprecedented rates. Right now, I am going outside, and am leaving soon for River City bicycles to buy arm warmers, then I am off to Critical Mass, and that will be a blast.

12/28

The overlying theme of last nights CM was SUBVERT. When we arrived there were like fifteen people or so. FNB came, and a few other riders did too. By the time Steve’s new girlfriend showed up there were probably thirty riders. I went to get some food, Steve went to talk to new girl. I rode around in circles until someone came up to me and said "we are trickling off and rendezvousing at Powell’s technical store". I asked where that was exactly, went to tell Steve and he said goodbye to his new girls then left with me to the tech store. When we got there (after Steve fell and broke one of the clips on his shoes) there were again about thirty people...and more arriving. To completely ditch the police, we headed onto the Broadway bridge and to the eastside before hitting downtown, there were probably sixty of us at the height. It was rainy and fun. We never made it downtown, and that was okay, but I would’ve rathered just looping from the b-way bridge to the Burnside bridge and heading downtown. By the time we got to Hawthorne, to head downtown, there were maybe fifteen; and the cars were plenty angry. One car, license plate number TCW 302, clipped one cyclist and almost another...it wasn’t very nice to see. Halfway across the bridge I stopped to wait for Steve and some other people we had met, Tyler and Amelie. They are cool people, and she is highly attractive. I suggested that we not do downtown and instead head for the Portland Indymedia Benefit show at the Red and Black. Everyone concurred so we turned around and headed to the R and B, slowly. It was quite fun there, many massers were there, I got a cup of chili and some coffee and sat at the counter. I sat (unknowingly) next to Tabitha, the girl that works there that I also have a crush on and who I think has a BF that leads me to inaction. But we talked alot, and she has the most amazing smile. Sometimes I cant help myself from staring at her because it (she) is so magnetic. Of course, recipients of my stares probably take them threateningly...but not her, hopefully. Anyway, the guy I think she is dating is in the band Rexella, which was playing, and would also be her roommate (or housemate). I have a strong feeling that she is attracted to me and wanted the conversation as much as I did...but I do not know and am probably going back there tonight solely to talk to her. And, as it should be much quieter and more conducive to actually conversing, some things should be resolved. Maybe. I am really without clue and that is neither good nor bad. Steve (back to last night) went from the R and B to home to a party (with new girls) and then back home. I stayed to talk and when I got home he was leaving. I read a chapter of said book, looked around, thought, then slept. Got up around 8:3a to leave for breakfast. Got there and ate, talked to both of the waitressi, which is really good, my experiments in expanding social horizons are working quite well and I am pleased with that. After breakfast, Steve went to River City and I went to the library. We converged at the Haven for a 3-game series of chess. Playing him in chess is losing its luster because he wants to play til he wins and I try to help him but it turns more into me telling him and I don’t like that. So, I generally win and he gets frustrated. Then, after two games, I said that was it, that was our 3-game series. He seemed very frustrated, so I continued with what I wanted to do, write about last night, and he left. I think he went to the library, but when asked of his destination, reply was "I don’t know". What am I gonna do about it? Let him deal with it. I am going to go home now, read, talk to Justin, maybe dry my clothes...I don’t know. Going home was a good idea, because (although Justin wasn’t there) when Justin got home he informed me of positive news, the house on 52nd and Burnside (107 52nd) has mostly become ours. So, we all kind of get into pack mode...we ditched excess and packed up most things that we are keeping yet aren’t day-to-day necessity. That lasted awhile and at some point I phoned Diane, we talked for a not very long time, and then I went pack to packing. She called on Christmas to let me know her travel plans, which I remember correctly are: Fri Jan 3 2 pm SW Flight #1121. So, that means I get to go to the airport at that time to meet an old friend. I am as yet unsure how said visit will go, but I am looking forward to it. It looks as if Steve and I are splitting ways when said house is moved into, as I think he wants his own room and I am sure I wouldn’t mind having my own. And, as previously theorized Justin is happiest with the recent procurement. I have no idea how to deal with attraction. I am at the R and B, mainly because I knew Tabitha would be working and I had myself all built up to talk with her about things, just have a decent conversation. Well I am at a table writing (obviously). She is behind the counter, I looked over and saw an inkling of a tattoo on her lower backside and thought that would be a wonderful ice-breaker. Then, as I often do, I played the conversation in my head and this is what I came up with:
Me: What is that tattoo on your back?
Her: If you want to know you’ll have to wait til I'm naked
Me: (speechless)
Honestly, that is the type of conversation that runs through my head and I don’t know if I can deal with that, hence the lack of speech. Sometimes I cant believe I actually write these things, but the head of honesty always rears its head whenever I think of not writing them, or scratching them out. So, this is the standstill I am currently at and hopefully it come to some resolve before I exit this place. I think my shortcomings are quite obvious and I am really just waiting for someone to slap sense into my ass. Because, as of this moment, I cannot seem to be able to do it for myself. So, for right now, I should forget about it and continue with my day. After we were mostly done packing, Steve and I were hungry so I posed the solution of "Its a Beautiful Pizza", that flew. After awhile we were off and they gave us a pizza with cheese first...we sent that back. So, we were there longer than I assumed we'd be, and that really didn’t matter because we neither really had anything to do. And we started watching a basketball game, we left at halftime for the Haven. They treat us well there and we had two more games of chess, I won both. At the finish I recommended he play other people because he really isn’t getting anywhere with me. I don’t know if that'll be taken to action or not. So, we parted and I came here to, well, to torture myself. To put myself on a precipice and see if I jump or not...as of now I don’t know if I am winning, but I know I haven’t taken that leap of faith yet...yet.

12/29

Well, I talked to Tabitha last night, for maybe a half-hour. I was really kicking myself, I wasn’t going to do it, but as I was leaving we started talking and that kept me around for, well, until 11:3p. It was a good, very normal (I think) conversation...her birthday is June 12, and according to the book we neither mean anything to each other. When I left, I went home, talked to Steve, Justin came home, we all talked for awhile and I fell asleep around 1:a. Got up this morning and went to breakfast with Steve around noon. Things with him and I have been coming to a head lately. He has been getting pissed off very easily. I don’t know if it is understandable or not. The way I equate it is that he needs to talk less and think more. And that isn’t to say that stupid things are coming out either. It is that the things he says are easily arguable, usually controversial, and sometimes merely hearsay. I am not the kind of person to just accept what anyone says, so when he starts in on something I wan to know why he thinks/feels that, or at least where it came from. Justin talks alot too, but it is mostly about people or events, how he feels about things and that stuff isn’t very arguable. Steve is people/events/and alot of ideas which are arguable. I have been trying to say less things that don’t matter and meet more people, those are clashes, hard-to-do's...together at least. So, I am far from perfect and probably say more stupid things than anyone I know...but that is all, well mostly, in jest and hard for people to comprehend. I make it easy for people to see my faults...that is all some people want, to point out shortcomings in an attempt to boost themselves...those that delve to see what I really say have a handful, and most of what I do is a weird way of trying to help other people. Take last night as example, I was very scared in relation to the attraction, because I didn’t want to be stupid, I wanted to, I wanted to be honest with her about me, be super nice, I just didn’t want to fuck things up as my personality has a knack for that. I do fine on my own, I am pretty sure I could survive and thrive in complete isolation. That isn’t necessarily what I would like, I would really like to have a female companion, and am kind of on the lookout for one...which is probably why nothing is happening. I am walking my thought pattern into destructive circles; if, in an attempt to better oneself you condemn everything you are, all you do is start over. I am in a rebuilding phase and things are going well, so I am going to ride it out and once I feel secure I will tweak the knobs and repair some potholes...STOP TRYING TO DO EVERYTHING AT ONCE!!! And, on a lighter note, I hope that some mutual understanding comes for Steve and I, because it is rather disheartening to see him pissy, especially toward me. Tonight we are all supposed to go meet up with Henry Tieu (our new landlord) and sign some papers or something...hopefully we can start moving tomorrow or the next day. Another thing, while I was at the library I got an email from Mary Johnson and am now able to send out the letter I have written for her. I am actually kind of surprised that she acknowledged and honored my plea, I am going to wait a few days however, so I have new pictures to send out, and with that I will probably write a hail of new letters, regardless of the lack of response.

12/30

There is quite a culmination of being at the end of the year. A type of exhaling. Freeing up the chest from all the meaningless (or meaningful, even) things that had previously been filling it. Especially in our situation. Last night, Steve laid it out to me, his frustration. He has been confused, and well, we have all been stressed with the living situation and I know that dealing with me on a regular basis isn’t the easiest or most fun thing. But, he has his girls. Especially his new one, Jackie. So, in a totally unexpected act, he apologized last night. Weird. Then I invited him to play chess at the Haven, we had one game which he won and a speed round which I won. Then, we came home, we expired the roll of film which led me to send out Mary's letter today...with three pictures. One from last night, and two one fr one form the anti-war rally, the last a downtown shot from Mt. Tabor. Each had a brief description of the photo and a little depth of the letter. It worked out well, I think. Today was my first day of work in five days...I had to take a bus there, and got up early enough to make breakfast with complete disregard for the drunkard and jabberwocky. And, soon enough, I wont even have to see them, and that means that I'll also not have them to think about. Tonight, Justin and I go to sign some papers...and I am fully prepared to cut a check for $1400 if it be necessary. Two hundred of that is from Steve, and I'll have around 200 left in the bank. That all means that this must work out for at least a few months, as that'll justify the initial spending juggernaut. And, this new year does more than ease the burden, it opens doors to opportunity. While flipping through pictures to send to Mary, I saw old pictures of me and compared them with newer ones. I am definitely different. I change daily, but the man-made dichotomy of time allow me to reflect in regularly spaced intervals. Man, how great it is to be so structured as to kind of forget about daily happening and take everything in huge blocks. This is the anti-thesis. Like, people take life in quarters, and record gains and losses, there doesn’t seem to be enough focus on immediacy, right now, the here. People are usually working for a distant goal, instead of more realistic and attainable goals. Like getting a house is realistic, but buying one isn’t, if I had focused on buying a perfect house I would be completely broken right now. Other things like composting are realis and cooking more are realistic goals whereas stopping all form of waste is unrealistic...and right now, I really have no idea what I am writing about and because of that I am just going to stop. I like doing examples of myself, so I am going to continue to do that. This is an example of me now:



This classic photo exemplifies an outlook of relief. I look almost upside-down, very light. Not happy, not angry, content. (I also look drunk). The beard, the hair, eyes, plugs (not seen) in the ears. I don’t know exactly why I like this photo, I look kind of dumb. After receiving the letter from my father, I wrote him one. It was kind of labored, forced (if it isn’t obvious). He is trying, and I am doing my best. I am not going out of my way to please, he likes updates, I like pure thought. I gave him what he likes as long as I could, and it kind of fell apart there at the end, delving deep into astrology. Something I really get into...and I am rather amazed to see that my father and I are on the same nine year cycle. It is like an inside view of his life, he probably feels exactly like me alot of the time. Maybe not, I just don’t know and I am going to, right now, try to stay away from assumptions. And, I guess that letter wasn’t all compromise, talking of my future, how good I am feeling and such...really touching on my outlook for the new year, I think that letter is very well constructed, weaving current past and future with some pure thought and true ideas. I am looking forward, however, to making some more multimedia packages...I've made one for Steve awhile ago and it turned out well. Speaking of Steve, here is what he and Justin look like now: I call this photo "angel money". What has happened is Steve has given Justin $200. Because of that, Steve’s "angel light" is diminishing whilst Justin’s is glowing.



It is 7:3p right now, in a little bit Justin will be here and we will go to take care of the house matters, and quite a large sign of relief will be let out. Afterwards, I may go down to the Red and Black...maybe Tabitha is working. Hah. Seriously, if she is, maybe I'll see what she is doing for New Years or something, you know? I crack myself up, but this could very well occur. I don’t know if she harbors any feelings for me that could be construed as, well, I don’t know if she likes me at all, let alone enough to have a date with. And, after writing that, even during the hand movements, I broke down what a date actually is and it isn’t anything that I should feel odd about. It is natural and normal, I need to recognize and quite being so childish and foolish in the realm of physical (and mental, hell) love. Seeing what she is doing (most likely something) asks the question and opens the floor for her to see if I want to join (now I know where I am) or for me to offer to her something to do with me (which lets her put me in my place...). Anyway, I don’t know why I am getting so caught up in it, it isn’t necessary to contemplate so much. I need to start acting more on impulse, no thought, thought takes away from stupidity. I need to be a little bit stupider. Hah.

12/31/02

This morning, I got to work and they said my first job had cancelled...it wasn’t raining... I moved 95% of the things from the apartment to the house, with Steve and Justin’s help, in about an hour. The only mishap was the falling of Steve’s bed from the top of the truck...and he was uncharacteristically pissed about it. That was a moment I didn’t want to dwell on, so I'm not. I guess that right now, I'll be leaving the Vita Cafe and writing about it some other time. It is around 7p now, and I am all moved in into my new home, and have a 2% chance of going back to the apartment. Right now I just wanted to state that as this new year approaches, I feel less and less anticipatory. Actually, I don’t feel outside of normal at all. Maybe I'll write more tonight, but maybe I'll do something. I'll definitely shower soon. Fuck it, my pen just died...it lasted about a month, or a little longer. It seems that Steve and Justin are nowhere for me to find. IT is ninish now. I am getting pretty bored, thinking about leaving, because, fucksake. I have been here for about three hours basically dong nothing. Looking back, that pen lasted 21 days...hah. I have spent alot of money today, on house things. I am hoping that I am somewhat re-imbursed. I am heading into my "two" year right now, a year that focuses on relationships...and that can be taken in a few different ways. I like to think that current relationships will be tested and either strengthened or broken, (and I'll hold most of the weight on how those swing); and that entering into my lifescape will be a significant other, a female counterpart with which I can share life. At least for awhile. High hopes are help for the Tabitha situation, because she seems very cool and I think she is very attractive. I was in there earlier today...basically because she was working (although I did nothing about it)...and I chatted with her, I should’ve, but didn’t, asked what she had planned for the evening and allowed the previously stated plan to unfold. But it is okay, it is the past. I have a whole year ahead of me to iron out these issues.

1/1/03

Well, what a fucking lazy day. Last night was interesting. Around 9:30p I left to our local grocery shop to buy beer. Beer. I ended up with a 12 pack of Rolling Rock, and Justin was home when I got back...he had bought a case of beer...the two of us had now 36 alcoholic beverages to consume. That didn’t happen. We each had three at the house, and then we left around 11:3p for the Triple Nickel, walking. I loaded my jacket, concealing four beers well. Justin and I each left with one in our hands and we had another on the way to the bar, or last set when we were in the bar, there wasn’t much happening, I mean it was packed for the occasion, but it wasn’t anything special. We each had three beers (that were bought at the bar) before we were kicked out...our last beer not being finished because we tried to sneak out with them so we could walk home with a beer...and so we could have some more pint glasses here at the house. The bouncer stopped us, we relinquished our bounties and were on our ways. We walked home, ate and slept. I don’t consider my actions as truly celebratory, as I wasn’t exactly celebrating...well, not for obvious reasons. My celebration stemmed from the new house mostly, a solid feeling in relation to Portland. After I was drunk I may have reverted a little as to publicly acknowledge the changing of the year, but I doubt it. Steve tried to get me up to play chess early in the morning and I told him where to go with no fucking mistake. Really, I just told him to go buy a chess board...which he did! I am sleeping on the floor now because Steve and I aren’t sharing the room, but I may just get a bed...I don’t know. There isn’t much to do around here now, I feel like I should stay around the house and do things, like at the last place I felt like I was always being kind of forced out...not here, so I don’t really want to leave, but the lack of things here make it tough for me to stay interested. I don’t, still I don’t know. Justin and Steve are out right now doing the final round at the old apartment, I got out of going back there. And when they got back they came with unpaid bills, I didn’t want to pay (because I am running pretty low on money, and most of the accrued amount was from she and jabberwocky being home all the time), but with little fuss I cut the $70 check and put it in front of me, its the past...forget about it. I am done with them, hopefully completely; although if I ran into Catherine in a couple months it would be quite amicable from my end, because for all I would know at that time she could be clean. Ah, I am just going to forget about it completely, stop thinking about it. So, we set up the computer today, and none of us seem to be able to make it work? Steve put it together, I have messed around with it, we cant find the cause. I have been reading the book "Lila" lately and it is much more intense than the first, it is for experts and I am merely intermediate. I am just reading through and processing whatever clicks and when I am done I'll probably read it again. I am not looking forward to tomorrows day of work, but, I need the money. Steve said now that he'll give me $200 on Friday instead of $300...that will leave him owing me $400. In my previous estimations, that $400 was a non-factor, but for some reason it seems like a factor right now. I think it is because I didn’t take into account that the paycheck I get tomorrow Friday, and the next one aren’t going to be for that much, because I haven’t been working, really, for the last two weeks. But it is a nice break, culminating with Diane’s visit, she continues to arrive on Friday.

1/2/03

I look at it this way. In a little while, work will not need me (as if they do right now) and when that moment of realization come for them, I will almost be forced to get a new/different job. My previous outlook was too optimistic, I am not going to be earning the money I had envisioned, as work tapers off they will be forced to recognize that my level of need is relatively low...and I will be fired. I decided today that I can "talk the talk" very well, but as far as "walking the walk" goes, I only make it to the stumbling level. That is mostly due to lack of desire. I don’t really know what my desire is (in relation to attainabilities). Like, I can probably spew off desire infinitum, but we really need to focus on more things that are attainable, realistic, realism, here and now; I need to understand and then shoot myself headlong in the direction of a particular desire...and stop when it has been attained...then go on down the line with another. It seems so damn easy, but right now I have to get back to work. Before it slips me mind, I would like to remember Nick Gideon. I was at the Daily Grind, shopping, and at checkout they'd not take my check. Nick went ahead and bought my check off of me. That was a very noble and worthwhile gesture. And outside of Justin and I seeing "8 Mile" not much else happened tonight.

1/6/03

Diane has left the city, or, at least, we have parted at the airport. The light rail max is not very conducive for writing, so I will delve into the weekend later on today. Before I delve into what actually happened, it wasn’t anything that I had thought, and it was sort of unfulfilling...anyway, soon enough I will break everything down. Sure enough, as per plan she was set to arrive at 2p on Friday. I left the house around 1p, caught the Burnside bus to Gateway TC 102nd and then to the Max to Gateway TC and switched over to be bound for the airport. I got there about five minutes until two and found a nook to sit and watch for her arrival. Her baggage check was #4, I sat across from that on a counter that housed a bank of phones. At five after I got up and walked a bit, I saw a black beanie cap with "OZZY" intricately stitched into it. I put it in my pocket and sat back at my roost. I placed myself in such a way that I would be able to see her before she saw me. Her descent of the escalator was watched and after she walked by me I got up to trail her...I followed her until she stopped at baggage claim #8, I got up right behind her and she almost completely missed me from the angle she took. She caught me in the corner of her eye, and reacted with a hug. I offered her the hat and she declined. We took the return trip (via MAX and bus) to the home. Steve was there when we got back, he was making food, I went to the store. I bought bread and soy milk a scone and a muffin. Came home, Steve was leaving and Diane and I settled in. I put on some of the new music that I had been getting into out here and we talked. Then, well, we talked for a good four hours. After that we headed downtown to meet up Justin after work...we were going to see DJ Gregarious at the Crystal Ballroom, but we ended up coming home and continue to "just hang-out." That is what Diane said she came here to do, which meant that she would basically be my shadow for a couple days. She slept with me on Justin’s air mattress that night and on Saturday we had constructed plans to do things. She and I went to breakfast at the Paradox, the first time I'd been there this year, and she really enjoyed it. After that we walked back home to round up Justin because we had planned the previous night to go downtown and see some sights...maybe do the museums and like. No museums were reasonably priced, so we walked around downtown. We went to a music store, and I bought two CD's: Ween, Pure Guava; and Teenage Fanclub, The Peel Sessions. I was happy with the finds, paying a total of $12. We walked around Pioneer Square and then decided to head home for dinner. Justin had asked me to make some pasta sauce, because he likes it, and I conceded. I had to go to the Daily Grind to get some of the ingredients that are necessary. When I returned I had began to make the sauce. After Dinner Diane, Steve, and I headed towards the Blackbird for a show with: Hint Hint, Pretty Girls Make Graves, and Les Savy Fav. It was totally packed, sold-out. We were inside when it sold-out, but I am not very fond of places that cramped. The first band was pretty good, the second band was better and Diane and I left before the headliner, Les Savy Fav. We walked home and talked more. We talked alot. She told me about Indiana, asked me about how I feel about things, and this is an approximation of part of the conversation:
D: You know I really admire how you move around and just live.
B: Yeah, but its not easy
D: You don’t show it
B: It's stressful
D: Then why do you do it
B: I am a dynamic individual and I want to continuously satisfy my urges and desires so that I grow closer to completion.
D: SO are you going to stay in PDX?
B: I like it here, but I am not rooting, I want to go other places
D: Like where
B: Like Bisbee, Az
D: Why there?
B: I can live outside, it is close to Mexico it is a community of 6000 hippies
D: How are you going to get there>
And it just went on with her asking me questions and me answering them. That was very eye-opening, because people don’t usually ask they just assume. It helped me to understand what I was feeling, because I had to explain my thoughts to another person and as I do that, I think things that've never crossed my mind. And that is positive, it allows maximum room for growth. We got back and I went to bed while she stayed up with Justin, watching TV. In the morning, or early afternoon, we again hit up the Paradox. Then we walked around the Hawthorne district. That was fun. I went in some shops I had been wanting too, but not enough to actually do it. With her, we were supposed to be exploring...regardless of how it is justified, it has been done. Eventually we got home and decided to catch a movie. That decision spawned from the lack of indie and culturally significant films in the part of the world from which she hails. We walked to the Laurelhurst Theatre at 28th and Burnside. We saw the movie "Secretary" a very concise look at sad-masochism. It was a good movie. After the film we walked home again, we just hung out for awhile. The three of us decided, oh, wait. I am skipping a very large thing, Diane brought to light a rift that Steve and I had been dwelling in, about how he is changing and my reluctance to offer my advice. Well, it all came out last night and there were good resolutions that came from it. I felt relieved afterward and everything seemed sunnier. It got many things out in the open and we are all the better for it. After all of that we decided on going to the Belmont Inn to play some pool, it was Diane’s last night and well, we were kind of capping off her experience. First thing to our advantage is that Monday is free pool night. I will never be positive why, and this is where it becomes unexpected, but Diane went out of character for awhile. In the first hour there, she had three Jack and cokes...I had a pint of beer, she was working on her first cranberry and Vodka when this conversation occurred:
D: So, do you ever miss Aimee?
B: Corr?
D: Yeah
B: I don’t really miss anyone from Indiana, it isn’t in my nature, and if I missed them I would be more torn about leaving and what not. None of the girls, not my father or brother, I don’t miss them.
Then we went other directions with the conversation before this next part occurred:
D: You know, the only time I was ever really pissed off at you was when we were at the Park West and you said that regardless of what was going on with you, you were not going to make out with me. Because I didn’t think you would marginalize me like that, I don’t want to be just another number on a list...
B: speechless (okay)
D: So, since you are probably the only person that can give me an honest opinion, what do you think my faults are?
B: I don’t want to answer that, I have stopped doing that to people, they ask for that, but it really isn’t what they want, maybe someday I'll write you a letter with that kind of stuff, but it isn’t anything you want to hear now.
At that she seemed very deflated and it led me to believe that she had kind of come out here for that, well, to tell me of the one time she was angry with me and to find from the horses mouth what her faults are...and my refusal to give her that made her feel like, well, unreciprocated. She felt (my perception) that I was not reciprocating what she felt...and I wasn’t. It was especially hard for all of this to come out too, evidenced by the way she was gunning the drinks. I didn’t really understand what was going on, and the alcohol wasn’t the thing, as I had only two drinks. We had finished Well, I finished my game of pool, and said that Steve was coming with me, letting Diane ride home with Justin...she was getting tired of walking everywhere anyway. I divulged everything about my thoughts to Steve on the way home, my lack of understanding towards what drives people. Why had Diane come here, why does she hold me in such high regard, why didn’t I feel the same way, should I feel like her, who is missing something, etc.? These things perplex me. When I visit people there is a quite legitimate reason. It is just odd to me, Diane is a good friend of mine, I like her, but I don’t make much of an effort. It is something I may never understand, and I feel as if I should understand it...maybe she'll just explain it to me, as I am not going to dwell on it. Steve and I got home and went to bed. I had to get up at 6a.m. to take her to the airport today. It was a standard goodbye, we didn’t talk much on the way there, she saw the dawn of today behind Mt. Hood, which was beautiful. We hugged at the elevators I said goodbye, and she was off up the escalator. I turned around and headed back to the train. I got to watch the sun rise behind Mt. Hood and that was amazing. I called the phone company to have someone come fix our phone...they said someone'd be out today before 7p. When I got home, I was tired. So I read the paper and made some oatmeal, ate and then got into reading Lila. Fell asleep in the chair, came to my bed and read until I fell asleep again. When I awoke at 11a, the phone worked. I started reading again. Justin and Steve woke up, they bickered, I left around noon. I just wanted to go write, I went to the Paradox. I didn’t write much there. Steve eventually came there and talked about him and Justin this morning, their bickering which was more serious than I thought. He left for work, and it being beautiful outside, I sat on the bench and read more of Lila. After awhile I came home to no-one. I read some more, messed around on the computer, made soup, and made one phone call. Diane spoke mostly of past people, telling me of what was going on in Indiana, and I listened, I am curious, but not to the extent of really caring. One of the things she told me was that Alex and Tiffany were again being divorced, to the extent that Alex moved into my old room at my old house...he being my oldest friend, I thought I'd call him and hear the case. He didn’t much feel like talking to me. He asked if I wanted to talk to Beejay, and I said "no, I called to talk to you" from his lack of divulgence I just gave him my new number and told him to call me if he ever needed to talk, I would be around. He didn’t seem to really believe, but I was totally honest. He took the number and I said goodbye. Maybe things will be resolved, I hope so. Then I started writing this and intermittently messing around on the computer more. Around 7:3p, Justin came home and stopped me from writing. We talked for a good two hours about things, mainly his and Steve’s argument this morning. I gave my synopsis, my knowledge, and a bit of advice. Justin and I bonded, and he got the internet to work in our home. Then we each checked our email and I continued to write/converse with Justin. It is 10:4p now, around 10p I left the living room to assure finishing this tonight...as Justin is now watching TV out there. That is okay right now. Hopefully, sometime this week, I can get out a course of letters...but I do have more work this week than the last two weeks put together. Time to get back on the track of accepted life, work, make money, spend, fight war, be real, not be unhappy. Soon enough things will change again as war is coming closer and closer to ground level and in a personal thing, my job will be changing soon as I'll probably be fired within the next two months. Things to look forward too, and things to ponder. Life continues.

1/7

Amazing. I am going to take a moment to recognize and try to interpret human interaction and growth. I was (still am) sitting at the Paradox reading "Lila" when my neighbour on the counter asked if I was reading the "Zen" sequel. I confirmed, talked about the differences of the book, how acceptable the writing style is to me, and recommended the book to him. He, in turn, recommended a book "The Power Of One" to me. It was a nice exchange that really focused on growth and it struck me that the dynamic patterns by which a person lives are like the protons and neutrons that revolve around a cell. And we, each of us, is a cell (composed of many cells) with a nucleus (static patterns) and dynamic patterns. He attempted to mold offer to my dynamic self part of his dynamic self and I was doing the same with him. It worked to enhance each of our cells (selves) to with another proton. Breaking down more...(this is mentally exhausting, by the way) the proton is an insertion of a positive attempt towards growth of the cell, a neutron is the insertion of negative qualities or values that must be itemized and detracted. While growth occurs from both, the proton tends to offer more static growth. Growth that will be a stepping stone to better places, thoughts, whatever. It is defiantly a tough course of metaphysics to lay out, and it has probably been done before, but I am going to continue thinking about it and hopefully things will come to a more processable order. On a totally different note, I am taking steps toward the future. Upon going to work today, I was informed that I have nothing on my schedule until Thursday. I came home, got some shit together and left for here. On the way home I came across a coffee shop on 45th and Belmont that was hiring. I went in and they asked for a resume. I turned around, toward home, and retrieved my "disk of knowledge". I am now going to the library to print a resume and will drop it off. At a doorway to my future, I hope I got the right keys. Another beautiful day out, it is like 55° and clear...on Jan7th! That is amazing for out here. I spent alot of the day outside, riding around, and part of it at home, waiting for "Organics to You" to deliver. I got tired of it and left for the Haven. I had some intention of extrapolating on my previous thought, but instead I am going to use this time to attempt some letters. As evidenced from the letters on the previous pages, my attempts were successes. To be sent tomorrow.

1/8

Again, today, no work. I went to the store last night, to buy salt and peanut butter. I realized that I have a dangerously low amount of monetary resources, and I put back the peanut butter. This recent lack of work doesn’t do much to pad my future either. I say "no bother", but it kind of is. The first round of bills will look to me for probably $100 on top of the rent, that rounds out closer to $400. I guess this is still the first week of the month, technically. I should have a check on Friday that looks like $150...in my bank account now I have less than $30. I don’t really want to think about that right now. The reason I am is that when I have time off of work, I want to go spend money. Right now I have no money to spend. And I am faced with long beautiful days and am hard up for ways to fill the time. When I left this morning, Justin was in the shower and Steve was on the computer. I had mostly forgotten the effects that a computer has on people. He was on the internet, talking to people on-line, he kind of grunted when I left. Now, this will be misconstrued and personally perceived however it will, but I am going to make the statement that the internet/computer interface of America is social drug that deserves to be regulated. It is like a TV show, but you have more control over what’s going on. And this isn’t a personal knock against Steve or anything, just a social observation. A person, and I have, can spend hours in front of a monitor and not exhaust the possibilities and it is clung too. The same can be said about going outside, a person can spend hours outside and not exhaust the possibilities. Why is the computer more desirable. It is fake, it is a step below real life, and it is also the realest life some people have. And I can view the difference in the way I "spend" my time when I am on a fixed timed internet share, aka the library computer. They have a 1 hr. daily limit. Justin constantly made the point that that wasn’t enough time to take care of everything he "had" to do. Steve pounded home the point that he couldn’t write without the computer, but the hour limit didn’t allow enough time to properly express his thoughts. I recommended the pen. Just recently he took that recommendation to action and would boast of his writing three pages today and he would continuously talk of his writing to the extent that he would start reading it to me. I made the suggestion that he allow more time before he just go into that...but we are different people. Last night, when he got home, I was working on a picture journal and he peeked in and asked me if I wrote today. I said yeah. Then, this is the kicker, he asks "How many pages?" I responded "I don’t know, I don’t usually keep track." I had told him of the fourteen pages I wrote about the weekend, and that is partly why he was asking, but it was also a compare and contrast. He wanted to bounce the amount I wrote against the amount he wrote and then talk about it. That really isn’t what I write for, so I am not really into that, he ducked out and I continued with my pictures. He went to watch a movie with Justin. I can see his journal writing lacking in the face of this technological wizardry of the computer, but I don’t agree with it. Look at it this way, when you sit down to write at a computer, especially a desktop (this is a good thing to add to pad my past)you are writing in a static environment. Writing, I think, not only comes from the individual, but also from the influences of the surrounding environment. If that environment doesn’t change, well, I'll quote myself "An atmosphere choked of vision leads only to pointless revision." Meaning, that however different the thoughts are, they are filtered through the same environment and eventually all start to look the same in the reflection of the environment. And, effectively, we end up with a mass of different words that essentially add up to the same thing. And this is good for novel writers that want a continuous flow, a sense of sameness to help the reader understand; but, for a dynamic journal, I think, personally, that as many different filters should be utilized to show the wide and varied constructs that the same person can effect with the aid of dynamic environments. Phew. Understandably, I am righting in a totally new environment right now, Stumptown coffee on Belmont. And I like this place, for music they have a record player...and that is very cool. While I am here, I want to filter fashion. Honestly, fashion is a lost cause. I believe practicality should be the future, because with fashion a person can fake who they are and it sours honesty. My dress consists of a black pair of hemp shoes, black socks, a pair of black double-knee pants, a black studded belt (that cannot be seen under), a black button down short sleeve shirt, two black short sleeve t-shirts. When it is cold/raining I wear a black knit cap, black arm warmers, and a pair of blue tights. I have two jackets that I alternate, a black rain jacket, and a blue jacket that has patches on it. When I am washing all of this, I wear a blue jumpsuit. Although I have other clothes (not many), this is what I tend to always wear. It is all very practical, simple, the only problem I have is my top shirt doesn’t hide the chronic dandruff very well. But that’s not important. When I look at other people, especially girls, I see fashionability outweighing practicality...and that is sad. That is a step back. It is a way to automatically judge a person, and I do that. If a person is obviously un-practical in a fashion sense, imagine intellectual abilities. And, while I know how a person dresses is not the "end all, be all" of that person, I want to acknowledge that those people tend to be very insecure in relation to who they are and generally are imitating images on TV or on the computer. And, although fashion can add to physical attractiveness, it ultimately detracts from true beauty and the ultimate goal of life. I was talking with Justin earlier and I rethought my monetary structure; now, I think that if all checks are cashed before depositing more money I will be overdrawn by at least $4. That doesn’t seem significant, unless it comes from the $1400 rent check I wrote Henry, but he still hasn’t cashed. That would be horrible. I was thinking about it alot, and worrying, but I have convinced myself that it wont be a problem. I will get paid on Friday, that will cover anything outstanding...there are like ten checks out and I would be totally out if all were cashed before Friday...and as soon as I can n Friday morning I will deposit that check. Fuck, I am now thinking about it again and I don’t want to do that...it is very unproductive. When Diane was here, she brought a present, a little picture book she had constructed of our history. It includes my new favorite picture of myself, I really want to rape that little book and put that picture here...it looks nothing like me. As a matter of fact, when I first looked through it, I thought it wasn't me, that is was a random picture that would have meaning when I read what she had written about it. Steve is the one that, well, alerted me to me. I am actually going to work tomorrow for the first time in, what, six days? Crazy. This wasn’t entirely planned for. That letter I wrote has big plans, when I have money to do so, I am going to laminate four copies of it and leave one at Stumptown (where it was written), one at the Haven, Red and Black, and the Paradox. It isn’t signed, and I only know one person that would recognize my writing, but I am not trying to hide. I am not expecting anything to come from it, I just fathom a place to send it so I am just going to strategically place it. I hope to be able to do that by the weekend after this one...It'll cost at least $6.00 and I don’t have that kind of money right now, Hah.

1/9/03

So, last night I was again talking to Justin, while he was internet engrossed, and I started singing Eminem and got the urge to listen to his music. I put on the most recent CD, which has some politically charged statements, and I thought about how pertinent it would be if he released a highly political anti-war/Bush single. So, I decided to write that letter, and see if it comes to any avail. I am sending it to him c/o Interscope Records with stamps that read: URGENT! and TIME-SENSITIVE MATERIAL. I would like to see something come of it, and any response will be pasted in these journals. Think of how disgusting a think must be if it drives weak-minded people to the point of savagery. Money, driven in vehicles of armor, drivers armed with shotguns to defend against the effects of greed on humanity. Regardless of my lack of ideas toward a socially acceptable and more sustainable measure of society, I would like to see the money markets and capitalism forthright abolished. It isn’t a very effective way to live, as its main principles are more more and more. It is weird when I think of where I come from and how things were compared to where I am and how things are now. Nothing adds up correctly, there is no formula that could postulate that then would bring now. So, because of that, I am just going to drop it. When I checked my bank account this morning, I had $96, that means at least Henry got paid. So, tomorrow, work doesn’t really start until noon, but I'm gonna go in around 9a to get my check and immediately deposit it. Obviously money is still on my mind, so far today I have frivolously spent $1. I made over $100 today, so things are looking to be more positive. Tomorrow the Eminem letter will be sent out, and I thought about how much of a longshot it is, and I laughed. I think it is hilarious when someone smells something and responds with the look: "Yep, it smells like coffee (or whatever)". It just cracks me up, they nod, kinda frown and look to the side. Hilarious. There are so many nuances like that, that I find hilarious, that work to alienate me from society. Why? Those are considered "natural functions" and, I guess, natural things aren’t generally found funny. That is one thing that really sets me apart, my sense of humor. When or if, I laugh at someone in a natural act, with no intention of being humorous, that opens the dialogue with "why are you laughing at me". That is un-winnable so far. I cannot seem to convince someone that I am not laughing at them, I am laughing at nature...which they are a part of. I guess I've never broken it down before either...I think the previous argument would work rather well. I don’t know how or why I find natural things funny, it is either a connection or a severe disconnection with nature. Steve tends to find some natural things funny, but not (that I know of) to the extent that I take it. I must be some sort of freak or something, Hah. My Dad sent me an email asking for my address so he could send me some things. I am very unsure what these "things" may consist of, but I hope that, as I've been asking for awhile, one of those things is a conglomeration of all the e-mails he received from me while I was in Oly. I didn’t respond, because he will have gotten my letter already which said as much. Today, in the mail, I received my second court date...the first is on the 10th of Feb, the second on the 12th. I cant imagine shaving everyday, it seems so useless. It is funny how I am all over the place today. And I am very happy with my beard right now. Yesterday, at the library, I received a compliment on it. I got the praise from a lady I had previously talked to at the Red and Black and I was particularly amazed she remembered me. She said "Oh, you’ve grown a beard, it looks really good on you...is this your first, do you remember me?" Then I responded, after a little more banter, she was off. I think I'll head to the homefront for the evening, as I am getting kind of bored here and am beginning to write nonsense.

1/10/03

Big news today, I got paid! (and I spent money) Anyway, let me start that I was paid and all my worries have been alleviated, for now. I bought a new, well I didn’t really have one before, bed. It is a hide-abed, orange, it cost $25. That leaves me with no more that $100 in the bank, my next check shouldn’t be much more than that, which ultimately means that I am going to have to start pulling money out of my ass. That isn’t an easy trick. I want to start a notebook full of character sketches. Devote one page to each character, one of these notebooks would equal 200 characters. I think that right now I have the breadth(?) to do about fifty. And it wouldn’t be totally factual, it would be my perception of their present, mixed with facts and a fabricated past based on the previous. It would be a good project, I think. But, so many of my projects that start a notebook don’t get very far...I was looking the other day at notebooks that were started with grand ideas in NY and Oly, but now I see them turning over, becoming picture journals...and regular writing journals like this one...perhaps now even a character sketch journal. The hardest would be people I actually know, and that would read themselves...most people don’t agree with how others perceive them, but it isn’t a big deal. There is one big thing that really sucks, that I neglected to touch on...til now. So, since we've had a phone I've been saying everywhere that our number is 503-236-7537, well I was wrong. It is 7357. That sucks in multiple ways. The biggest has to do with the job I applied for on Tuesday...and the signs are out of the windows already. Also, I gave Alex and my father this number, as if they really need to contact me, but it all still sucks. It is kind of like having no money, in that they both suck. Upon coming home from work, I immediately started making food...it turns out that I had enough stuff to make a pretty good pasta and sauce, then I showered, then I left to go talk to that coffee shop, go to the library, and maybe go write somewhere. That set up a string of negative occurrences, the coffee place was not open and no longer hiring, the library was closed, then I didn’t know what to do, and didn’t really want to go spend any money so I came home. I was going to watch a movie but instead watched a basketball game on TV. I really wanted something to munch on, but had nothing, that sucked. And now I am resting on my new couch/bed, writing and listening to the radio. I really hope I get some mail or something hopeful tomorrow, as I am running low on it. I thought about going to the store to buy something, but I am going to try to make this $8 on me and as little as $10 out of the bank next week, to make that little bit of money last me til next Friday. It will be tough, because we don’t have much food left here, but I'll see what I can do!

1/11/03

Well, I have spent $2.25 so far today. It was a steal though, for it I got two loaves of organic white bread from the Daily Grind. I went to bed quite early last night, due to my lack of drive and a lack of immediate/cost-free alternatives. Going to bed early usually equals out to rising early...I woke around eight, then I sat in bed for an hour and a half to finish reading Lila. That done, I got out of bed to fetch the newspaper and read it, Justin was awake and reading it. so I took what he was done with and read that, then the rest. By that time Steve was already up and left, Justin was nearly out the door and I was in preparation. I readied and left...I had no real direction, I rode east on Burnside to 76th, then went to 74th, turned north on 74th and went to Glisan where I again headed west. I rode by a Fred Meyer and other little shops, I turned in to look for any sign of employment, I didn’t see any so I took Glisan to 39th and turned south onto it, until I hit Burnside at which point I went west again until 28th. Twenty Eighth is the Laurelhurst Theatre, across the street is a little thrift store. I browsed in there, almost bought a book, and then left. Outside, I gathered my bearings. I had nothing to do and nowhere to go. I didn’t want to spend any money, so I set course for the library. I spent time in there, read the new TIME magazine, and once I was done, left. I still was without direction, I was hungry, so I went to the Daily Grind and made the aforementioned purchases. After that, I came to here (home) and ate some of the pasta from last night with bread. All through my day the feeling of not belonging was ringing inside of me...if I had nowhere to go, then why was I here? It isn’t a very good ground of thought to be traversing when every so many things in life aren’t looking on the up and up; but, we don’t really have an opportunity to think like this when everything is okay. It is a weird split, part of me has that longing desire to just go, there isn’t any THING here that gives me reason to stay, another part of me opens the dialogue with hopefulness stating that I cant leave now because the gateway to good things is now open...and a third, realistic part of me slaps me in the head and says "Hey idiot, quit thinking on clouds, you couldn’t get anywhere even if you wanted too, you have no money or means, seriously." That is the part that shines through, we are realistic creatures, aren’t we? But, if the second, the hopeful voice spoke louder, maybe I wouldn’t always be so torn...whatever. I have successfully sat here done almost absolutely nothing beneficial for the last three hours. I was watching football on TV. At the time it felt alright for the most part. At times I thought to myself "why am I subjecting myself to this" and I learned the answer this morning from Lila: TV is a form of hypnosis, sucking the viewer into another life that they didn’t have to care for, yet they still allowed themselves to be manipulated...mostly as a means to escape reality. I didn’t get anything special in the mail today, that wasn’t disappointing, just normal. Hah. Being that I finished a book earlier today, my custom is to start reading a new one. I decided to pick up a book that I bought last summer (I think), "Conversations with Eternity, the Forgotten Masterpiece of Victor Hugo". I'll tell you that 70 pages into it all I really want to do is throw things. This is the train of thought, the book is about the afterlife, and it is better...the CD player (martian box) wasn’t working so I just wanted to break it, then I thought why not throw the glass that I drank my tea out of against the wall and use a shard of glass to cut my throat and I would just die right now and see if this book is truthful, hah. Of course, I am not doing that. The usual thoughts traversed, if I didn’t die, life would be that much worse, and if I did Steve and Justin would have some trouble covering the bills. I am pretty fucked up to write those reasons. Justin mentioned earlier that I was being particularly morbid today, and I guess right now is the culmination, the climax. And what a fucking letdown, he lives, and the rest of the story is kind of boring. Write that shit off, that isn’t even how I need to be thinking, so I'll just forget about it and move on. I am really pleased with my new room layout. I have the couch against the wall with the closet, the radio, CD's, and my bike (daily use) stuff kiddie corner from the couch. That is it. My shoes are by the door and everything else is nicely confined in the closet...which isn’t very big.

1/12

Not much of a day today, but it looks like it is going to be an evening. I did the laundry today, went to the library and got some books: Les Mis, a guide to organic farming, how to grow pot (for Justin), and I got a movie on composting. That was all good. Justin was happy. I made some rice and boiled various vegetables for tonight’s dinner. It sucked because I really wanted some Bragg's sauce and, imagine; every goal I seem to set for myself, I break. I wanted to not spend more than $18 before this upcoming Friday...I spent $10 tonight, that leaves me with very little. But, fuck it, seriously. If I don’t make the bills, I don’t make the bills. That’s how it is. When I got back from the store, Steve was home and that is what turns it into what is looking like a long evening, full of discussion. These writings are actually interspersed between phone calls that he receives, hah. So far we have detailed our current personal outlooks on life, mine being the driving thought of Bisbee; his being selling his bike for a kayak and living in seclusion on Vancouver Island. His is definitely more ambitious, but this isn’t a competition. And, many people that interact with both Steve and I see our similarities and hear our discussions and think that we are in an intense competition with each other, and this is to dispel that notion. We have also been talking about the way the world is, the outside looking in, how everyone "understands" everything, but reality works to prove otherwise. We have a couple more hours of conversation left in us, so we'll see where’s going. I go back to work tomorrow, so far for this next week I have one job tomorrow and nothing else. Jesus, right? It is a good thing I got some large books to read, because it looks like I'm gonna have mucho free time on my hands. These discussions that we have are really everything, they are truth, basically two philosophers of the same school debating and breaking down why and how they look at and deal with life. These times give me hope for at least my future, they personify that Bisbee burning inside of me. And, I wont go so far as to guarantee, but I plan on being in Bisbee sometime this year...and maybe I'll be able to achieve my ultimate goal of leaving all of my past behind and being the loner, the outsider, and building a new life from Bisbee. Peace.Love.