Quotes: Gotta love 'em
Quotes are tidbits of wisdom from dead people. Or people we wish were dead. Here's my big, fat, collection of 'em. They're in order of the last name of the person who said the quote, or in the case of movie quotes, the name of the movie.
A
“Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.” Douglas Adams
“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” Douglas Adams
“Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.” Douglas Adams
*“Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.” Douglas Adams
“Music, the greatest good that mortals know, And all of heaven we have below.” Joseph Addison
*“Do you know what it's like to fall in the mud and get kicked, in the head, by an iron boot? Of course you don't--no one does--that never happens” Airplane!
"my mom really liked that movie, except for all the fighting" Alec refering to the movie Fight Club
“Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing I Gotta Be Me around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing I can't get no satisfaction, gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike. Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing. You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.” Anonymous
“If you aren't part of the solution, you're a precipitate.” Anonymous
“Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it.” Anonymous
“Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in pain.” Anonymous
“Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schizophrenic, and so am I.” Anonymous
“If at first you don't succeed -- give up! No use being a damn fool.” Anonymous
“If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.” Anonymous
“Monday is the root of all evil.” Anonymous
“Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.” Anonymous
“I am Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated.” Anonymous
“Politics. From the Greek poly, meaning many, and ticks, a small, annoying bloodsucker.” Anonymous
“If Milli Vanilli falls in the forest, does somebody else make a sound?” Anonymous
“I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.” Anonymous
B
“In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’ ” Dave Barry
“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”
-Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
“Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.” Batman Costume warning label
“There are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together. The public doesn't give a damn what goes on in between.” Sir Thomas Beecham
*“Crying is for babies, little girls, and men who have just had their ears ripped off.” Oobedoob Benubi, Thumb Wars
“Oh big sacrifice, everyone you know is dead, glad you could tear yourself away” Oobedoob Benubi, Thumb Wars
“Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection... nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family…” Berke Breathed, Bloom Country Babylon
*“Honesty means never having to say ‘please don’t flush me down the toilet” Bob the dinosaur.
*”I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.” Bumper Sticker
*“Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.” Bumper Sticker
“Horn busted! Watch for finger.” Bumper Sticker
“Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.” Bumper Sticker
“Happiness is a belt-fed weapon” Bumper Sticker
”The worst thing about censorship is [deleted by censorship bureau].” Bumper Sticker
“FREE TIBET, with purchase of two or more larger countries” Bumper Sticker
C
“Like most poets, preacher, and metaphysicians, he burst into conclusions at a spark of evidence.” Henry Seidel Canby referring to Ralph Waldo Emerson
*“Fate takes you only so far, once you get there it's up to you to make it happen.” Can't Hardly Wait
“Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice Doggie!" till you can find a rock.” Wynn Catlin
“Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has no heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.” Winston Churchill
“He who laughs last is generally the last to get the joke.” Terry Cohen
D
“Though the bird may fly over your head, let it not make its nest in your hair.” An old Danish proverb (sound advice if you ask me)
“I see your schwartz is as big as mine. Now, let’s see how well you handle it.” Dark Helmet
“I understand your concerns…request denied.” Data
“The politicians don't just want your money. They want your soul. They want you to be worn down by taxes until you are dependent and helpless. When you subsidize poverty and failure, you get more of both.” James Dale Davidson
“I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.” Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol
“Because I could not stop for Death --
He kindly stopped for me --
The carriage held but just ourselves
And immortality.”
Emily Dickenson
"I had to make some optimistic assumptions to meet the revenue target. In week three, we're visited by an alien named D'utox Inag who offers to share his advanced technology." Dilbert
“I found some numbers that support your strategic plan. I had to take the square root of a negative number to do it. The timeline is on this mobius strip.” Dilbert
*”Motivation feels much different from what I imagined. I was expecting a light, energetic feeling. But it's more like being pinned under a burning couch. Whoo! I'm getting dizzy. I'd better lie down until the motivation wears off.” Dilbert
“Asok, I can't give raises to young employees. Because as soon as you get a few dollars in your pocket you buy small motorcycles and disappear in the night. I know that's a generalization. Some of you prefer the crack cocaine.” Dilbert’s Boss
“Quick! We’ve got to jump under the bandwagon before the train leaves the station!” Dilbert’s Boss
“The key to happiness is high expectations and your own bag of chips.” Dogbert
“I'm writing a comprehensive ''How To'' book. In chapter one, I teach people how to pick winning lottery numbers. Chapter two: How to find free real estate in very nice neighborhoods. Chapter three: How to lose weight by eating huge tubs of ice cream. Chapter four: How to build strong abs by joining a gym and never going. Finally, how to see angels by giving yourself a near death experience. That last one is just to get rid of all the witnesses.” Dogbert
“They say people fear public speaking more than they fear death. So technically, if you kill a guy who's scheduled to speak, you're doing him a favor.” Dogbert
E
“It is possible to provide security against other ills, but as far as death is concerned, we men live in a city without walls.” Epicurus
F
“The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep
And miles to go before I sleep.”
Robert Frost
“I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
II took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”
-Robert Frost
G
“Americans want grungy people, stabbing themselves in the head on stage. They get a bright bunch like us, with deodorant on, they don't get it.” Liam Gallagher
“He who laughs last didn't get it.” Helen Giangregorio
“Death is the only inescapable, unavoidable, sure thing. We are sentenced to die the day we're born.” Gary Mark Gilmore
“I've travelled this world and have seen many wondrous things. You are not one of them.” Giddy Gonzalez
“How could this be a problem in a country where we have Intel and Microsoft?” Al Gore, speaking about y2k
“Yet ah! why should they know their fate?
Since sorrow never comes too late,
And happiness too swiftly flies.
Thought would destroy their paradise.
No more; where ignorance is bliss,
‘Tis folly to be wise.’ ”
Thomas Gray
H
“I have never seen. . .so slippery, so disgusting a candidate.” Nat Hentoff referring to Bill Clinton
“Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room!” Dr. Strangelove, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb.
“You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.” Aldous Huxley
J
*“It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.” Jerome K. Jerome
K
“Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids.” “The Kids”
“Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.” Fletcher Knebel
L
*“An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.” David Letterman
*“We now have three candidates running for President. And I'm thinking, this is a little like cable television, you know, if you think about it. Many, many choices, but it all sucks.”
David Letterman.
“Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.” John Lehman, U.S. Secretary of the Navy from 1981-1987
“Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring? And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure? Is there a better way to die?” Charles Lindbergh
M
“It was a book to kill time for those who like it better dead.”
Dame Rose Macaulay
“I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was- an arctic region covered with ice” Steve Martin
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.” Groucho Marx.
“I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.” Groucho Marx
“I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.” Groucho Marx
“Those are my principals, if you don't like them....I have others.” Groucho Marx
“I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.” Paul McCartney
“I’m sorry you see things that way. Perhaps you’ll have a different perspective when your HEAD IS ON A STAKE IN MY OFFICE!!” Me
“Forget about ignorance. Chocolate is bliss.” Me
“What time is- Alec are you eating a handful of celery?” Me
“A bad analogy is like the stench of a dead woodchuck, rotting on your lawn; it just won’t go away.” Me
“When in doubt, panic” Me
“Jokes are like hitchhikers, some you just can't pass up” Me
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. After all, it’s hilarious to watch.” Me
“If at first you don’t succeed, it must be somebody else’s fault.” Me
“As I was going up the stair
I met a man who wasn't there
He wasn't there again today
I wish, I wish he'd stay away.”
Hughes Mearns
Edgar: “You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold dead fingers.”
The Bug: “Your proposal is acceptable” Men In Black
* “A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground” Henry Louis Menken
“He had the elegance of a sledgehammer lobotomy” E. Mark Mitchell describing Gene Roddenberry
“When your employer is a giant rat with gold chains like a low-rent Mr. T, and none of the muscle to back up the freaky outfit, you know you’re in trouble.” E. Mark Mitchell
“May your forehead grow like the mighty oak” MST3K
“Put you in the bitch transformer” MST3K
“It’s the amazing technicolor cheese wedge!” MST3K
“Then I’ll ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest, but I’m not an alien!” MST3K
“Give to Daddy” MST3K
“Now we’ll escape under cover of afternoon in the biggest car in the county!” MST3K
“It’s the Brack show, starring me, I’m Brack! It’s the Brack show, and I’ve got lots of good guests. Da da da dum da dum da dum .” MST3K
N
“People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it.” Ogden Nash (1902-1971)
“A man is not finished when he's defeated; he's finished when he quits.” Richard Nixon
P
“What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.” Albert Pine
“To villify a great man is the surest way for a weak man to become great” - Edgar Allen Poe
“Take this kiss upon the brow! And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow--
You are not wrong who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.”
Edgar Alan Poe
“Of course, it is very important to be sober when you take an exam. Many worthwhile careers in the street-cleansing, fruit-picking and subway-guitar-playing industries have been founded on a lack of understanding of this simple fact.” Terry Pratchett
“Pets are always a great help in times of stress. And in times of starvation too, o'course.” Terry Pratchett
“His philosophy was a mixture of three famous schools: the Cynics, the Stoics and the Epicureans - and summed up all three of them in his famous phrase, 'You can't trust any bugger further than you can throw him, and there's nothing you can do about it, so let's have a drink.’ ” Terry Pratchett
Q
“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.” Dan Quayle
“What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.” Dan Quayle
R
“Time is the fire in which we burn.” Gene Roddenberry
“Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? ‘Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is “Share the love.” Beep.’ ‘Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.’ ” Andy Rooney
S
“Ernest Hemingway once wrote that the world is a fine place, and worth fighting for. I agree with the second part.” Seven
“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.” Jerry Seinfeld
“How dare you impugn my clicking?” Jerry Seinfeld
*“Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” The Shawshank Redemption
“Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done.” Homer Simpson
“God bless those pagans.” Homer Simpson
“You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.” Homer Simpson
“Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one's garden.” Homer Simpson
“When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.” Homer Simpson
*“Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful.” Spaceballs
“We must acknowledge once and for all that the purpose of diplomacy is to prolong a crisis.” Spock
*“From Hell's heart, I stab at thee. For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee.” Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan
“Do you know the Klingon proverb that tells us revenge is a dish that is best served cold? It is very cold in space.” Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn
“There is an old Vulcan proverb: only Nixon could go to China.” Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
“I've never trusted Klingons, and I never will. I’ll never forgive them for the death of my son.” Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
“The line must be drawn here. This far, no further! And, I will make them pay for what they've done.” Star Trek: First Contact
“You are an imperfect being, created by an imperfect being.” Star Trek: First Contact
“We are the Borg. Lower your shields and surrender your ships. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your culture will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile” Star Trek: First Contact
“Let the regulations be damned” Star Trek: Voyager
“I must be getting old because nowadays I find I'm more interested in the food I eat than in the girl who serves it.” John Steinbeck.
*“Never look at the trombones. You'll only encourage them.” Richard Strauss, on conducting
T
“Till last by Philip's farm I flow
To join the brimming river,
For men may come and men may go,
But I go on for ever.”
Alfred Lord Tennyson, “The Brook”
“I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude.” Henry David Thoreau
“A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling: For example, in Year 1 that useless letter ''c'' would be dropped to be replased either by ''k'' or ''s'', and likewise ''x'' would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which ''c'' would be retained would be the ''ch'' formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform ''w'' spelling, so that ''which'' and ''one'' would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish ''y'' replasing it with ''i'' and Iear 4 might fiks the ''g/j'' anomali wonse and for all. Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez ''c'', ''y'' and ''x'' -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais ''ch'', ''sh'', and ''th'' rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in iusxrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.” Mark Twain
*“Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of congress. But I repeat myself.” Mark Twain
*“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” Mark Twain
U
“One cannot be betrayed if one has no people.” The Usual Suspects
W
Garth Algar: Party on, Wayne.
Wayne Campbell: Party on, Garth. Wayne’s World
“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.”
-Mae West
“It is a good day to die, Duras, but the day is not over yet.” Worf, TNG episode “Sins of the Father”
V
*”Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat.” Jesse “The Body” Ventura
“Folly, thou conquerest, and I must yield!
Against stupidity the very gods
Themselves contend in vain. Exalted reason,
Resplendent daughter of the head divine,
Wise foundress of the system of the world,
Guide of the stars, who are thou then, if thou,
Bound to the tail of folly's uncurb'd steed,
Must, vainly shrieking, with the drunken crowd,
Eyes open, plunge down headlong in the abyss.”
Johann Christian Friedrich von Schiller
W
“The difference between literature and journalism is that journalism is unreadable and literature is not read.” Oscar Wilde
Z
“Most rock journalism is people who can't write, interviewing people who can't talk, for people who can't read.” Frank Zappa
“The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced. “
Frank Zappa
“Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.” Carl Zwanig
That's a lotta quotes. Send me more quotes at MarchingbandEric@aol.com
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