Suicide
I wrote a number of suicidal poems a couple years ago when I was having a hard time, and it's been difficult
for me to decide which ones to share, and which
not to. These are the least frightening...
Too Alone
I'm too alone to care.
I used to wish for happiness,
But now that wish is rare.
I used to wish to stop the coldness,
But now I'm too alone to care.
I sit in my lonely room
And debate if it's too soon
For life to end-
For all the pain to be dead.
A cold knife in my hand
And the never-ending tears
Only convinces me I can-
Where are my fears?
Please come rescue me before I fall.
Don't you see?
My life is nothing at all?
I've lost too much,
And gained too less..
I must lay down to rest.
Is that your hand reaching out?
I'm sorry- I can't touch.
The pain would end,
My bleeding heart would mend-
Where it stops?
There's no end.
Darkness
I am darkness.
Fear is my addiction,
Night is my companion.
The only light I see
Are the few moments of happiness
You shine on me.
My obsession lies in mirrors,
While pain is my fear.
Unknown mysteries haunt my thoughts,
And misery is the untiable knot
That forms within my heart.
I seek the truth,
But believe in shadows.
A heart beating slightly faster
Gives that chilling sensation of cold
That keeps me searching- wanting more.
As I wait in the darkness
For that distant door.
To Fly
I stand at the top of a tower,
Slowly nearing the edge.
Sadness lengthens the hours
Of lonliness in my head.
Tears wash over my soul
As I stand in complete silence.
I feel ancient and old-
Nothing seems to make sense.
A sorrow I don't understand
And a grief I can't grasp-
I refuse to believe a lesser of a man
Is the source of this emotional clasp-
I feel as if I ooze pain,
And my sensitivity reaches a dangerous
high...
I'm driven insane,
As I spead my wings to fly.
I will shatter at any moment-
My sour love will spill on everyone.
Then you can finally feel it,
And know why I run...
Why I'm flying through the air,
Cracking the first laugh in weeks.
And when you find me beautiful, white, and
fair,
You'll realize you were the one who was weak.
Abandoned
Who are you?
I don't recognize you anymore.
You used to have that spark in your eyes,
Now you grumble,"what's this life for?"
You're lacking something-
It could be that infectious smile,
That I haven't seen in awhile...
Or maybe it's that beautiful soul,
That I was so privleged to know...
But you're not who you used to be,
And that makes me feel so lost and uneasy.
How could you change on me?
You left me in the cold,
And now I'm abandoned,
Without anyone to hold.
I want you back.
Where did you go?
This has really hurt me-
I just wanted to let you know...
Without the real you I'm lost,
And so I put the gun to my head.
I look at you and you're not really there,
So I might as well be dead.
Two
Haikus
The bloody pool
Sends dancing streams down her arms
Splashing her toes.
Cup of poison
Clasped in small nervous hands
Seals my fate.
Ocean of
Lies
I'm trapped in an ocean of lies
And you need not apply
You cut at my veins
Trying to release the pain
My blood trickles down my arm
The only cure for you is harm
I want you out of my body
Because you're nobody
My thoughts are scrambled inside
All I want to do is hide
I can't stand to see you on your own
Because you used to be my home
I want to go away
You have nothing left to say
The world is infinitely black
There's nothing left to give back
I want to sleep forever
Because you said never
I'm afraid to feel
I can't tell what's real
No one can help me
I need to leave
All those hours in your bed
Didn't mean a thing inside your head
You knew I was easily lead
I was already dead
I can't trust anymore
I can't love anymore
I can't exist here with you
When there's nothing left of me and you
You drained all my hope
Then left me alone to cope
We were everything
Now we're nothing
I'm drowning in an ocean of lies
And now I'm going to die
Two
I've only loved two men in my entire life
And both of them broke my heart in
two
How am I supposed to have any hope left
When
I always gain less than I lose
Never again
I
always say
No more pain
I always pray
I hate to
be manipulated
Yet somehow I consent
I'm so bitter
and paranoid from all these heartbreaks
You'd really
wonder where my common sense went
I wish for someone
to love me
Then someone makes me truly believe they
do
I sink in so deep
Becoming his perfect
fool
I should be used to this pain
It shouldn't
torment me so violently anymore
Why haven't I learned
my lesson
And realized love's not worth shit
anymore
They've robbed me of my identity
All I do
in my spare time is cry
What's left for me now
I
can't get past this grief no matter how hard I try
I
trusted him so blindly
The most I've ever trusted a
soul
I want to end this suffering so much
I'm so
empty and cold
Most of my energy is fueled by hate
now
There is no one left to trust
Every single
guy has a hidden agenda
None of them are worth any of
the fuss
I've tried to warn my friends
They
say,"he'd never hurt me- he's too nice"
When things
feel too good to be true they usually are
I should
listen to my own advice
I gave him everything I
could
Now I wallow in his anything
I didn't
believe this could happen again
But he packed up all
our baggage and he left me nothing
I've only loved
two men my entire life
And both of them broke my
heart in two
He's gone forever and he can't wipe away
these tears
This pain he left me has permanently
tightened the noose
Melancholy
If I were invincible
I would know no fear
Yet unfortunately I'm plagued
When I look into the mirror
Like a scene in slow motion
I watch myself fall away
I drink up all the lies
Never believing what they say
One of these evenings
They will not forgive me
And everything I am
Will abandon me