7/04/2003 - Tolf Saves Independence Day!
Ahh...the fourth of July. Like most people, I woke up today looking forward to a day by the pool with the grill fired up, waiting to irresponsibly set off some bottle rockets and endanger spectators as well as the innocent passersby who just happened to be in the blast radius. I realized however, as i woke up on a strange couch due to the festivities of the third of July, that today would be different. The cloud cover comfirmed my suspicions. Somehow sittin out by the pool with burgers and burnt hot dogs isnt quite the same with giant thunderclouds overhead. So, it was time for alternatives. After a couple hours waiting for an idea, one came to my brilliant roommate, Ryan. "Craig," he said, "I got somethin we can do." Little did i know I was about to be introduced to quite possibly the greatest game ever devised: "Tolf." What is tolf, you ask? Tolf just happens to be the perfect blend between golf and tennis. I admit, i was a bit skeptical at first, but due to the success of a few of our previous creations, such as dart football, i was willing to give it a shot. Here's how it works. You take an old 'Doug Sanders' golf club, preferrably an iron that you found in your apartment complex, and a tennis ball. If you dont have a classic Doug Sanders, i suppose it will work with an inferior brand. Find a grassy area roughly 30-40 yards from your apartment that faces the balconies. From here, you will attempt to launch shots into the balconies on any of the three floors (much easier said than done, as a tennis ball must be hit perfectly to get any distance). Mind you, these do not have to be your balconies. Anyone's will do. This led to one of my first concerns. "Ryan, i'm going to be drilling other people's balconies and windows with tennis balls...i think they might mind." As it turns out though, this is not the case. For some inexplicable reason, despite the barrage from below, there has not been a single complaint in the young history of tolf. There are rules though. Dont think this is something that was hastily thrown together. Simply hitting a balcony means nothing. The tennis ball must actually drop into the balcony to count as a hit, which makes good loft crucial. Landing a shot in the bottom floor balcony counts as a single. A double is the second floor, and the third is a triple. Any other hit is one of your 3 outs in the at-bat. If you happen to muscle one over the entire building, you've just hit a home and deserve to celebrate. For instance, you could trot through the parking lot like Ryan exclaiming "I'm the sultan of swat!" This is not recommended though. Tolf, however, is. So go celebrate our nation's independence with some ill-advised assaults on your neighbors.
