My Life Ambition

My Fucking Life Ambition (br) (updated: 2/8)

i dont know what i want out of life and i really dont know what the fuck difference ill ever make to my life your life, anyones. I dont think ive made change, i dont think ive made a difference to anyone, and i dont know how to. People dont listen to me, they take one look at me and think "wow she looks like a bum, shes a druggie lesbian fuckup" im not a druggie, i think im straight, im not a bum i live in fuckin suburbia of all places, near all the people i complain about, the people who bug the fuck out of me and cant leave me alone. I like my lifestyle, i love punk rock, i love atheism, i still dont know what to believe and i dont know if ill ever find out on my own.
p>I get irritated with other people and how they live, christians, republicans, greedy fucking people who dont give a shit about anyone but theirselves and just want to get ahead of every person they can and gain as much power and money just to fill the void of their lives with NOTHING, with material things. Over the years ive found out that ive become less materialistic than ever; i dont need much to survive , i can live without a television, i can live without a waterbed without some expensive car. I dont need much, i dont care for these things anymore. Ive moved on to something better.
The art of not caring, i got my ged, i dont think i cared than, i was diagnosed wth "adhd" at the end of 11th grade, when i went through school i kept thinking there was something wrong with me and i was just stupid. Since i thought i was stupid, it dragged my self esteem down down down, and it made me the most nihilistic person you could come across. I hated people, i hated myself, i was young and anti social and just wanted someone to listen to me. I than went through my small stupid high school phases, i was the loner, than i was "gothic" sooner or later i came across Punk Rock. i guess it saved me. Withou this raw hard fast, truth, what was i suppose to do, just waste another day in school getting picked on and having others laugh at me in the hall, what was the point? i just kept letting this shit happen, letting people walk all over me. Until i found this music, there was something true about it, the sound of revolution, the one thing that could change every view you had.

So i got into this, i got into every band, i kept loving it, i didnt care what others thought of me anymore, i found something meant for someone like me. It was great, instead of listening to some catty bitch call me a "freak" i had my headphones on and i didnt give a shit anymore. I understood people couldnt treat me like shit, and i decided to not let it happen anymore. Show after show, band after band, i evolved, and soon i could call punk rock my lifestyle. I learned about it more from someone i met in the past year, that i still strongly admire.

I dont know what this all did, i guess its in me, ive still got it in me, it still makes my days good, it still gives me something to live for. I got into politics, i decided war is bullshit, i decided "god" is bullshit, i became this defiant scumbag whos dad hated. I couldnt be more oppisite than him, sexist homophobic kinda racist war supporting father of mine, everything i was against in the first place since i got into this music since i was exposed. Anyways, how do you start change? you need to get to people, let them know their surroundings and whats going on. But who will listen to someone in plaid pants, patches, and that mean expression on her face? The other punks? sure, of course, all for one one for all, its hard though because you look down on other peoples choice of life, you get so fucking irritated by how blind they are you just want to scream. Youve accomplished nothing, your 18, you cant get a job because of how the economy is right now, you have nothing to do, your stuck in suburbia wasting life. And what do you do?

I wanna make change, i dont know how, and its making me have less confidence in myself to do anything when i know i dont make a difference at all. you have all the punks going "yeah revolution revolution" they already are aware of this and how we need to make change , other people need to listen but there stuck in their views, they refuse to because of thier opium, their religion, their job, their fixed goals of society. You grow up and your told what to be what to do, and you just conform to it cause your scared. Some people go to college because their scared, there just doing whats expected of them, thats stupid.

I dont know what to believe in, thats my first step i think; i bought a book by karl marx "the communist manifesto" I havent read much yet but i just got it today and im not rushing myself into it, i admire the idea of no classes no rich no poor no middle, all just the same, working togehter instead of trying to get ahead of eachother and try to make life one big useless race for something that controls you, money, greed.