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Memoirs of a Broken Mirror
Monday, 21 July 2003
If you would be my punk rock princess, I would be your garage band king
Hi.


So I was reading Tom's Xanga (I'm not a stalker.) and I was just like, "Dude. You are too effin' cool." For serious, he's so..cool. So ordinary, but so cool.


Tom's the track star at EBHS. He's emo/punk. He's got a band (Think Fast). He's got a car and a job. He's in the majority of my classes. I think he's funny. He's just trying to fit in. That's what I most admire about Tom. He's so regular. But not regular enough to notice me. *sigh*


Well, we talk. Often. But only in school. I have his SN. *squirms in seat* My friends tell me to forget it (they told me to forget Brad, too..) and that he's not worth it. To me he is. To me he's someone I can have fun with and be completely enamored with at the same time. He's cute, he's smart, he's funny, he's witty, he drives. What's not to like, ya know?


Granted, he DOES get annoying de temps en temps. But he's a guy. It happens. *shrug*


Part of me feels guilty for this. *sighs softly* I've got Brad. Well, we're not together, persay, but..what I feel for him. That's what's making me guilty. But he said that if someone comes along and we can't physically be together, then whatever. But I just don't want to hurt him. I don't want to be Sara. *snarls* No, I'm already a bajillion times better than Sara. You know why? My love is real and true. I would never ever conceive of deliberately hurting him like she did. That insensitive bitch. *crosses arms over chest and continues to fume*


I have driving time in..oh, about a half hour. Who's nervous? I am! :/


"we got older, but we're still young/We never grew out of this feeling that we won't give up"~The Starting Line, "Best of Me", Say It Like You Mean It


I'm gone.

Posted by punk3/xtrmdrkangel at 12:22 PM EDT
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Thursday, 17 July 2003
Tell me, does it feel good to be like you?
G'day.

Haven't blogged in a while. Figure I might as well.

Lisa's in Australia. I miss her so. :( Brad's at college. I miss him so. :( Gifted hates me. I miss her so. :( Man, I win! All the people I care about end up leaving! YEAH! :D

So I was at this chick's site, plastik;;emo;;trash, and I was looking through her icons (which are very good, tbh). I came across her pictures. How cool it must be to be so incredibly good at something and be revered for it. I'm jealous as anything right now. For once I just want to have the best site or make the best graphics or something. Just be the best. My glory days of feds are over, as Mystika is a washed up old hag in 3WL, heh.

But I often feel that way. I read Erin's sister's LJ or Brad tells me he's RPing (RhyDin, woooo!), and I get this sense of how incredibly cool they are. Classic example: Martine at Erstwhile. She OWNS. She's so, so cool. Just regular people..but extraordinary in my eyes. That's how I wanna be. A regular chick, but extraordinary to others.

Yeah, you might argue that I am extraordinary to a few. My friends, heh. Brad tells me I already am extraordinary. But am I really? Do people IM me and go "God damn, are you great."? No. Not really. I'm just humble little me. A lost little girl looking for fame.

Which brings me to another point. I'm so focused on getting famous. I was talking to Nick on the phone some night last week and we both agreed (as we tend to do) that we'd rather be hatefully remembered than lovingly forgotten. Another classic example: Hitler. Everyone will remember him. Everyone. I don't agree with what he did. I think he was a bastard and deserved to die alone and miserable, knowing he failed and killed millions of people, both those he hated and those he loved. But everyone's gonna remember him. We learned about it, our children will, their children will, and theirs, and theirs, and so on until the end of time. It's wild to think about it, but. And I want to be known. I want to prove my worth to these assholes. I want to show that I am better than the jerks in school who tell me I'm worthless and think I won't amount to anything. So to all the Seth Perkins and the Alyson Larkins, to all the cheerleaders and football players, to all the preps and the stoners...Fuck you.

"Rock is the answer; violence solves nothing."~Daniel Johns

I'm gone.

Posted by punk3/xtrmdrkangel at 6:57 PM EDT
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Saturday, 21 June 2003
She's got tattoos and piercings
Hye.

Today was ultimately boring. Erin and I woke up at, like, 11:30 because Heather called looking for her. We played street golf (more like lawn golf, seeing as it's Saturday and the roads were hella busy..and there were people across the street) and smashed up 242345734 AOL disks. Haha, fuck you AOL. :) She left around 3 or so to go to Noelle's party and I just sat around. My parents went to a Pawsox game and Niki pretty much stood me and Erin up for Chester..again. So hi.

Hill's little brother Zack is a jerk. He's been online ALL freakin' day and she wasn't even on 20 minutes when he said he wanted the comp. So whatever. Lis and I are just waiting for her to come back.

Alex is talking to me. Apparently I'm the only one of my friends still talking to him. That's because I made it clear that I don't want a relationship with him (I never date younger than me) and if he hurts my friends terribly, I'm gonna rip off his cock. He's annoying, offensive, and terribly rude. And way too horny for his own good. *blank stare*

This bra hurts. *scowl*

I find that I update this almost every time I update my site. Noyce.

I had a dream last night that Brad got another gf. Katie Brasill told me and I was just floored. We sat under a big wooden box and talked about it. In the end he kissed me. Then the phone rang. It was Heather. *scowls again* But just the feeling that Brad's still got that invisible hold over me. I feel as if I should be ready for another bf by now. Ready to get on with my life. It's been about a year and a half since we broke up. Yes I've liked guys since then, but none enough to forget Brad for. Okay, that's a lie. Nick. But Nick's got his own agenda now and we're too good of friends. Ryan, the driver's ed kid, however..he's worth it. Yes, he's younger than me, but he's dignified. He's got this "strong, but silent" aura about him. And he plays lacrosse. *giggle*

Ben Franklin is haunting Gifted's house, no matter what anyone says.

*yawns a bit* I was talking to Brad's sister earlier. I asked if she was excited to be coming and she said yes..but then she apologized. She signed off before I had a chance to ask. My guess is that she feels as if she'll be like a third wheel to Brad and I. Erin volunteered to hang out with her. I don't want Kaleena to be a third wheel. She's too cool for that. I've said before that I think she's cooler than Brad. But that's because she doesn't ask if I said she smelled every 5 seconds or doesn't say useless shit. Now, it's not that I don't like Brad anymore. He's my best friend, how can I deny him that? But he acts like such a guy sometimes and less like a human that it's so frustrating. I can't necessarily just say "Stop acting like a guy" because I annoy him sometimes. We do have a lot in common, like not drinking coffee and wearing socks to bed. Okay, that's just two things, but the list does go on. *hugs knees to chest* I just feel bad.

*licks lips* They taste like salt. *shrugs and continues to lick them*

"Mom, they think I'm funny!"~Joel Madden

I'm gone.

Posted by punk3/xtrmdrkangel at 9:52 PM EDT
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Thursday, 19 June 2003
Prove it to the world
Hey. *sighs*

It's only Thursday and it's already been a Hella long week.

Too much shit has gone on with people. Heh, it seems as if everyone starts beef when school's almost out. I think it's the phenomenon of not seeing the people I can't stand for a whole 2 and a half months. Frankly I'm sick of the petty shit that's going on. People need to get over themselves and stop being thesbians when they clearly aren't. People also need to start conversing more so that none of these problems occur and I don't get caught in the middle.

Not to say that I don't want to help. I do. It's just that when people are trying to create drama, it's not my favorite thing. Especially when I had to spent hours upon HOURS with the real drama kids. I don't need that crap from my friends. Especially when I plan on hanging out with them the entire summer because I've got really nothing to do. (I won't admit that to my mother, but I've got to grow up sometime and stop going to camps. :/)

On a lighter note, it appears that our band might actually be taking shape. Erin's got her guitar down..and she always has. Hill's getting drum lessons from her incredibly talented little brother. Sam's...yeah, so Hill's getting to be pretty good at drums. *bites lip* Okay. Things aren't going too well. We don't have a name. We have nothing so far, tbh. A few songs I've randomly written, a list of names, and a dream. If only, if only.

My unrequited crushes seem to be also overtaking my life. I've finally moved on from one and onto about 15 more. *sigh* more like 2, but still. It's hopeless. I'm doomed. Hooray. :/

Frankly this summer is about redefining who I am. I'll be getting my license. I'll have lost several things. I'll have gained more. But at the same time, maybe this is needed change. Maybe I just need to use those 2 and a half months to really figure out who I am and what I want in life. *sigh* I hate being grown up sometimes.

I'm being so ridiculous, lol..I don't even think I want a bf at this stage in the game. I'm 16. I should be out having fun and messing with guys' heads (heh) instead of letting them mess with me. But I'm sure once I find a nice boy that I think I like, I'll go back into whiny hopeless romantic mode. Don't worry.

"Mistakes don't mean a thing/If you don't regret them."~Silverchair, "The Greatest View", Diorama

I'm gone.

Posted by punk3/xtrmdrkangel at 4:53 PM EDT
Updated: Thursday, 19 June 2003 4:54 PM EDT
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Saturday, 14 June 2003
Why, hello there
Erm, hye. ^__^

I broke down and got a blog. This is now, what? 3 online places for me to write crap that irrelevent to anything but me..and counting!

Why "Memoirs of a Broken Mirror"? Well, I've been wanting to change my OD title to that. "Fearless Surrender" just seems to fit me more. Since I'm becoming less afraid of things and I'm giving in to more. Or something.

But back to the original question at hand: why "Memoirs of a Broken Mirror"? All my life I've been told I wasn't what society thought was beautiful. The other day I had an epiphany; fuck that. I know who I am and what I stand for and if I don't look good enough for you, then simply don't look at me. *shakes head* Enough bitching. Back to the answer. My life feels like a broken mirror: once a whole, but not in many pieces that just somehow seem to fit together. So, ta da.

I don't know how often I'll be updating this. I don't even know if i WILL update this, heh. But be warned; my moods change. *grin*

Kelly Osbourne: That's such a fat kid thing to do, Jack!
Jack Osbourne: Kelly, I am a fat kid.

I'm gone.

Posted by punk3/xtrmdrkangel at 5:02 PM EDT
Updated: Saturday, 14 June 2003 5:03 PM EDT
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