Graphics - Naturey - I could comment on the stunning sunset at the beginning of the game, or all the trees, rivers, and mountains, but I won't. That would be gay. Real men don't talk about sunsets. Real men eat live babies because their tears baste their tiny bodies like butter on a turkey. If someone made a game called Baby Guts Anal Hooker Blasting Cheeseburger Party From Mars it would be the manliest thing ever.
Dead Babies - Lacking - I couldn't believe how few babies I got to slaughter in this game. I really had to stretch my imagination to trick myself into believing that all the turtles were actually zombie babies with shell armor. But not even with my incredible imagination could I believe this lie for very long. I mean, these turtles walk right off cliffs without a second thought. Everyone knows, or at least they should, that zombie babies are much too smart for that. You can learn all about zombie babies in the book Umbilical Cord Apocalypse. It's a handy little guide that I wrote with Henry Rollins and Cat Stevens. Barnes & Noble usually has it.
Kidnappings- None - Apparently, some know-it-all asshat decided that barely competent bad guy organizations holding women as hostages for no reason wasn't a good enough plot anymore. I really don't know what the plot of this game is. You mostly just take orders from buff old guys who look like they spend their time shooting steroids in between car eating competitions and wrestling robot bears in pools of acid. Orders like "Fight! Fight! Fight!" and "If you see Dorago ask him to release my daughter!" You definitely will be fighting, but at no time will you be negotiating the release of any hostages.
Enjoyability - Surprisingly High - I never would've guessed that the totally mundane quest of a man who eats no babies and snorts no cocaine off of a drunk thirteen year old girl's ass would be so fun. I feel like a total square now. I can't believe I like Rygar. That guy's a wimp. I've got to go bulk up like those hermits until I can pull a motor home with my dick.
The End Of The World - Many scientists believe that the world itself will be the end of the world. So why are we trying so hard to save it? This planet hates you. Put down the diskarmor and fire flower and pick up a chainsaw. Go outside right now and saw down every tree you see. Spit in the ocean. Kick over a trash can. Go fuck some monkeys while you're at it too. Do whatever you can to destroy the environment before it destroys you. Eggplant wizards and giant space brains encased in glass aren't your biggest problem anymore. The thunder snow fire tornadoes are. Earth's a jerk.
