Graphics - Murder Scene - Yeah, it looks about as good as a murder/suicide scene committed by runaway circus freaks with shotguns. The bearded lady really makes me want to vomit. Don't even think about looking at Naked Mole Rat Boy unless you want to gouge your own eyes out.

Control - My Controller Has Rigor Mortis - It's hard to move when you're wearing all that clunky armor. Plus, Arthur has a massive erection since the winged demon kidnapped the princess before he could finish.

Challenge - Horrifying - You get two hits before you die, scarce armor pick-ups, and many of the monsters you face take a lot of hits to kill. It's pretty tough. I actually took the time to beat this thing two times in a row though to get the good ending since I really enjoy this game. Maybe it's my chivalrous nature that kept me going. Or maybe it's just that this game has an extraordinary ending.

Gameplay - Zombie Sex Party - I'm not kidding, it's really that good. Just watch out for the zombie AIDS.

Sigmund Freud's Weapon Analysis - The torch burns slowly and is very difficult to get rid of, much like gonorrhea. I know you think that's a good way to torture the enemy, but it's not. It doesn't matter how many STDs you give to a skeleton because it's not going to harm him. If you really want to do some damage you must locate the Holy Hairspray. Jesus' very own formula capable of growing beautiful healthy hair on any scalp. It's hidden under the third tombstone on the first level during your second run through the game. The monsters will be so grateful for their lovely new locks that they'll just step aside and let you pass. Rescuing a damsel in distress has never been so easy or follicular.