Randomly I felt like writing some code. I felt like pretending to be part of something, and I felt like ignoring all the rest of the things around me. ...and I will do my best to breath. I sit and I ignore the world, because I am awkward.

Things... don't come in words...don't come in paragraphs anymore. ...keeping my mouth sewed shut with invisible wire. Like I've been quiet for so long and there is no more motivation to speak out to speak up to get loud. There is something missing. As usual. Nothingness flows thru these fingertips like the nothingness that spills from my lips.
And on selling your soul to the Devil...I imagine it would be like that, only maybe while you're bleeding out everywhere you're thinking "Maybe this wasn't such a good idea..."...but you jump in anyway.

Eye am not bulletproof but I am clearly stronger than you anticipated.

On the past...running noses and drills, holding the pieces in their places and building up.... Being angry and stupid and abandoning all reason. Never knew the reasons for what I was doing. I was just dancing in the rain... signing contracts that I didn't realize at the time were digging graves for little pieces of me that should have never been birthed. But I let them free from their cages, and I watched them fly and I shot them down with arrows that had no aim.
What is it that I even want? What is it that drives me? Nothing is interesting anymore in anything, that's why I resort to how I felt when I was still feeling.... Torn feelings write much better than this empty nonchalant horse shit that plagues my head now. I have no ARGHHHHHHH anymore! I am LAME. I am not fun, I am not confrontational, I am not dangerous. I am safe. I am boring. I am safe. Safe is so not fun... but its safe. When did I grow up and why am I having such a hard time accepting it?....

12.19.2011
...there hides a secret deeply entwined inside of her mind...





I want to be able to say congratulations and I'm happy for you because I am. I want to say nice job on the ring because I know you even though you would probably say I don't but I do and it fits. I want to say that you are stupid and some day maybe you'll listen but until then don't worry I'll just "fuck off" until you realize that jail IS something to be afraid of. I want to say that you are ridiculous and when do you grow up? I want to say that you're living in a fairytale and I know that you're sad but telling everybody isn't helping. Or.. Maybe it is helping you and maybe I'm just killing me? I want to say that I blocked you because everything you said hurt me...but you'll never hear me.



1.12.12
fucking squirrels....





It annoys the shit out of me that people who are your friends meet a girl/boy and you are no longer friends. what the fuck? I have a wonderful husband to be and I kept all the male and female friends I have ever wanted, (even made new ones. with penises! holy shit) and I think matt has too (haha)- Because we trust each other to know that we can have friends. What the fuck. Maybe this is just me being stupid, but it really chaps my ass when people do shit like that. You can't handle having a lover and a friend because your lover is insecure? or are you so insecure that you can't imagine standing up for being yourself, for being an individual and having your own friends? When you meet somebody aren't they supposed to like/love you for who you are? and aren't your friends part of you? The ignoring shit just really annoys me. When you break up I'll probably be friends with you again because I'm a sucker like that but right now I'm just pissed off. At all of you.

I don't care what you do I'm getting out. don't want a thing from you, I'm going out. I don't care if you're angry.



1.30.12
lost for a purpose





You tie the rope, I'll kick the fucking chair. I feel the malice in my veins My heart swells with hatred in your name, and when you've got nothing to turn black and blue - You still got hell to look forward too.
Don't even get me started.
IF I could go back in time..................




1.31.12






I'm going back to sleep.... for Glenn



2.9.12






These M&M's taste like coconut. I wish I could breath out of my nose...It is impossible to watch PS I Love You without crying your eyes out...and wedding planning is intimidating.

I think of you every day...



2.12.12






I love him. He bought me roses for V-Day but he couldn't wait to give them to me... I am the luckiest girl in the world, he's the best...
And I knew you would talk again... I am so cool.
Let me see your peacock. Boom.



2.13.12






Today was a good day... for the most part. Matt woke me up with an early <3 text... Mom called me at 630AM to remind me of how 25 years ago today I woke her up early too... I drove to work in tears, listening to stupid hip hop music. I got to work and I felt like a wreck. I felt like crumbling... but then my friends cheered me up. I got lots of cards, presents, and a jelly filled donut (2 actually..)... So thing's were better. Never complete but better. Also Mom brought me some tulips at work :))) I love her...
80 + birthday wishes on my FB... daaammmnnn FB... Lots of people made me smile. I bought myself some crackle nail polish. Woohoo.
I know what I'm about to say is insanely stupid, but I can't help how I feel about this...
You know how you have that ONE person, not necessarily your significant other, but that ONE person who has been your best friend, since day 1. Literally, since before you were ...anything... That one person that you feel the closest too... (Maybe thats how siblings are supposed to feel?) ...I know I knooowww I have very close friends now... and I love them, and I need to tell them that everyday... but....
There is nobody like her. There never has been and there never will be.
I'm not trying to hurt anybody by saying this... I just, it's just how I feel. She was part of me, no matter what... No matter what we said, she was my sister. She was a piece... IS a piece of me... and I feel like somebody stole that piece... and it hurts. But... I guess I will learn to deal with it.
I am not claiming to hurt more than anybody else who has ever lost...I just mean, I know.. It sucks. and I love my friends... all of them, besties and all... but this is just how I feel.... and if you love me, you'll just get it...and this is why I'll always be fucked up... haha ...
and She knew it more than anybody else, ever.



2.23.12






I woke up in a terrible fucking mood. I feel like a 3 year old, I am pissed. And I don't know why. My fucking head hurts, I fucking hate sinus's...And no, I don't want to get up at 7am on my day off to go to the Cricket Inn, just because you've been awake since 5am. Why can't it ever be like breakfast at a normal time when I have a day off? Hell, its 9:23 AM and I'm up now. This seems normal....but fuck no.... and I'm just complaining cause I'm pissed off with no real reason. Also I had the genius idea to listen to my stereo in my kitchen because the computer is on the other side of the house....and my fucking stereo died. Just died. Light came on for like .5 second......and nothing. Everything dies. Shut up



2.25.12






red red red...
I remember such strange things...Like the last time we were together and we sat outside smoking cigarettes with strangers... and my phone vibrated on the bench and we all felt it... and somebody said something about farting... and it was so funny...The cheese was the best...and I haven't gone back. And I haven't worn that shirt. Strange huh...



3.3.12
lost for a purpose

Nobody really gets me.




3.10.12


Christine #1: I know it's hard to say the things you must be thinking, but I can hold your hand.
I know it's hard to say the things you must be thinking...

Christine #2: No.

Christine #1: Normal people don't think like that.

Christine #2: Who ever said I was normal, and how do you know I haven't mastered this because on the outside its normal, but on the inside I know what I really think. and nobody else needs to know.

Christine #1: I swear you have the strangest thought process.

Christine #2: Yes we do. Two very distinct sides. One crooked blurry line of shit separates how it should be, and what it is. The first one is how it is supposed to work, and the second one is what I really think. The first one is made to cover up the second one so that no extra questions or explanations need to be involved. Nobody would get it anyway.You sound like a child, whining about nobody caring or understanding. Because I don't even get it!

Christine #1: We are lost causes swimming in circles.

Christine #1: Why hide it? What's the point. Open your eyes, put something out there.

Christine #2: All I feel is apathy. Talking to moldy cement walls, drowning in something that isn't quite liquid.

Christine #1: Denial.
Denial in the worst form. Denial in yourself and denial towards everything you do. A pretty plastic face on a lost being...
What is this masterful plan? What is this illusion that you have something over on every one else? And why is that useless unrealistic picture the picture that soothes you? That frame the covers the back wall - covering the hole.

Which one is one, which one is two... They blur. I can't even tell you which one is thinking what now. Denial. Anger. Confusion. Denial in myself. In what I am, anger at myself. More than any one else, ever. Confusion because I don't even know how to say this at all anymore. Whatever it is I am trying to say.

How very bi-polar witch, talking about the two sides of you. You should probably stop talking like this outloud, somebody might suspect something.

If you’re reluctant to seek treatment because you like the way you feel when you’re manic, remember that the energy and euphoria come with a price. Mania and hypomania often turn destructive, hurting you and the people around you.



6.13.12






Once I get motivated I like to sweat. Infact its just like anything else, I get obsessed and addicted. For awhile.....but I want to be hot. Bitches.

Listening to stupid rap makes me think of you.

One side of my headphones quit working - what the fuck is that.

I'm going to feel this way until you kill it.



7.11.12









No More, Son of a Bitch. blah blah b;ah meh mmeh meh. nothing.



8.4.12






but I've got a plan and some wax and some string - some feathers I stole from the birds... and We leap from the cliff and we hear the wind sing a song that's too perfect for words...

Alone. Just to be alone and contemplate. It's nice to have "yourself" time... but honestly I think it is a constant in my life. In my head... Nobody is really anywhere near my plane. and I'm okay with that. Except when I am alone and all I hear is tick tocks, and the sound of the pull cord on the fan in the living room banging off of the light covers because the fan is off balance..... it makes me think of a song... the song that plays on some grand theft auto (I think?) game that Brian, Cassie and I used to play all the time... this song played while we designed our cars. Cassie and I took a long time making cars... haha and don't you doubt that Brian had his fair share of "pretty" cars.... haha... nice little memory....

anyway. back to... well back to whatever. I dont have much of anything to say ever -anymore.
Matt is at fire school. I ate immense amounts of Chinese food. I painted one hand of nails with magnetic nail polish... now what?? Listen to loud music and type meaningless sentences. Lots of ellipses thrown in...

I should clean my house. That would be the smart thing to do, get things done. Maybe run for awhile.... hot glue some random things together....lol...



9.8.12






I must confess... I'm never going to change. I can suppress but I will always crave deep down.



10.13.12






Nobody really understands. Nobody really understands.
I can't write because I am scared. Scared of what you will think when you read these things...scared to put it down on paper, because then its not just thoughts I can blow to the back of the room. We never talk. I have NOBODY to talk to. Nobody like me. I regret some decisions I've made in the recent past, and I cannot even get around it. I get stuck in these ruts and I am unmoving. For whatever reason its like staring at the window and watching the world collapse... just watching. And then this thinking! Who does this! I do. What uf.... no. It's different. Right?? I just need somebody like me to talk to... anybody. No not anybody. I can think of two people. Two impossible people. Ruined that idea. Why do I even talk to other people? Nobody is like me... I'm lost in this world talking to walls who won't give anything back. Why do I need to have something given back? How selfish... How ridiculous that I am wondering about walls not talking back and how its in some way my fault.
Why did you even listen...because you were threatened and you were scared so you backed into a wall and took whatever hands would pull you forward, not even worrying about the things that would have been you on the other side of the situation. Speaking in circles. I have this habit of constantly talking about my wrongs/mistakes. TRYING desperatly to hear "it's okay" "you did what you could" "you did the right thing" - Need that... don't get it. Why do you need it??? Hypocrite. I am the thing I fear the most. The biggest hypocrite. With nobody to tell about it cause nobody understands. Nobody listens.
This time of year sucks. I cant get out, I can't go... I can't I can't I can't.... Close the door and lock me in, break the key.
It makes me think too much.. or maybe it makes me think just enough and the rest of the time I am just pretending not to think............So sad I just want to cry.
Maybe thats why I am still here. No... It's to hard to try again. Why can't we just give equally. AM I going to regret everything I've done when I'm old??? My head hurts....just cry.



3.2.13






So when we get older, everything sucks. You always think, "That will never happen to me." And I think the older you get the less that applies. What is it about life that all of a sudden, in a moment everything can change. Sometimes things that you don't think would affect you, can rip giant holes in your perfectly smiley day. One moment you are cursing the fish that you can see swimming around ignoring the hook and bait...the next you find that somebody close to you...that their life has changed drastically. In a single moment. In a single moment you can redefine somebodies entire life. I can't imagine. I can only stare back at myself in the mirror. Open mouthed a never ending scream - no sound. I don't even know what I'm talking about. When I was 24 I lost my best friend one crisp autumn day in a fatal car accident less than 5 miles from my home. When I was 26 my best friend from high school became a widow when her war hero died in an accident at their home in Missouri. Death relates those two things, but couldn't get them any further apart. I've never been to a military funeral...You see reenactments on the TV, in the movies, you feel sadness - when you are there though, when taps plays and all you hear is the music and the wails of anguish seeping from the lips of the left behind... That is a whole new level. Pieces of you die all throughout your life. Inside - pieces of you are born from anger, sadness, and joy and happiness- Pieces of you also die constantly due to anger, sadness, joy and happiness. Everything is a cycle. Nothing makes any sense anymore, right? No. Some day, they say, everything will make sense, everything happens for a reason and bullshit yata yata blah blah... the truth is, nobody really knows. They just say that right? Maybe they know, but it probably doesn't come until you are old and ready for death. For too many that moment never comes. Their life is cut short and they are gone. With the broken left behind, shattered souls trying to figure out what the reasons are!!
Times are desperate. God is in every crack and crevice, and the devil hides out in the open on every billboard and in every television. You find him with the sadness they say relates us all, that brings us together. The sickness that brings us together, tearing us apart - the cause of the confusion. The fire burning in side of us - keeping us moving forward, also melting us from the inside out, desensitizing. Becoming accustomed to the darkness that covers us instead of the sunshine that bathes us. Where am I going with this?
The terror.
The terror of life.
The terror of death.
The terror of sadness and anguish and emptiness.
Of nothing ever being the same - the death of feeling. Never gonna be the same.
Every day is new. Or maybe not.... Have we felt this before???????

"I don't care, so gouge my eyes I'll spend of my entire life blind...Consequence to you."

Monday, 12 December 2011

LEAVE ME ALONE.

i can hear the fire whistle behind the screams of torment. it sounds like a warning. darkness is falling. as the wail grows less imminent makes it feel like time is running out. its not fair. nothing is fair. life is not fair. oh and the things that ive seen. im feeling 17. i wish i was 17. rotting in defeat. i can feel the vibrations with my head on the floorboards but i dont move because i cannot move... something is leaking.. something is staining my eyes. the christmas lights glow like fire in the other room.




And I was drinking heavily.... seeing things, that you should never see for all eternity...



7.15.13