Randomly I felt like writing some code. I felt like pretending to be part of something, and I felt like ignoring all the rest of the things around me. ...and I will do my best to breath. I sit and I ignore the world, because I am awkward.
Things... don't come in words...don't come in paragraphs anymore. ...keeping my mouth sewed shut with invisible wire. Like I've been quiet for so long and there is no more motivation to speak out to speak up to get loud. There is something missing. As usual. Nothingness flows thru these fingertips like the nothingness that spills from my lips.
And on selling your soul to the Devil...I imagine it would be like that, only maybe while you're bleeding out everywhere you're thinking "Maybe this wasn't such a good idea..."...but you jump in anyway.
Eye am not bulletproof but I am clearly stronger than you anticipated.
On the past...running noses and drills, holding the pieces in their places and building up.... Being angry and stupid and abandoning all reason. Never knew the reasons for what I was doing. I was just dancing in the rain... signing contracts that I didn't realize at the time were digging graves for little pieces of me that should have never been birthed. But I let them free from their cages, and I watched them fly and I shot them down with arrows that had no aim.
What is it that I even want? What is it that drives me? Nothing is interesting anymore in anything, that's why I resort to how I felt when I was still feeling.... Torn feelings write much better than this empty nonchalant horse shit that plagues my head now. I have no ARGHHHHHHH anymore! I am LAME. I am not fun, I am not confrontational, I am not dangerous. I am safe. I am boring. I am safe. Safe is so not fun... but its safe. When did I grow up and why am I having such a hard time accepting it?....
12.19.2011
...there hides a secret deeply entwined inside of her mind...
I want to be able to say congratulations and I'm happy for you because I am. I want to say nice job on the ring because I know you even though you would probably say I don't but I do and it fits. I want to say that you are stupid and some day maybe you'll listen but until then don't worry I'll just "fuck off" until you realize that jail IS something to be afraid of. I want to say that you are ridiculous and when do you grow up? I want to say that you're living in a fairytale and I know that you're sad but telling everybody isn't helping. Or.. Maybe it is helping you and maybe I'm just killing me? I want to say that I blocked you because everything you said hurt me...but you'll never hear me.
1.12.12
fucking squirrels....
It annoys the shit out of me that people who are your friends meet a girl/boy and you are no longer friends. what the fuck? I have a wonderful husband to be and I kept all the male and female friends I have ever wanted, (even made new ones. with penises! holy shit) and I think matt has too (haha)- Because we trust each other to know that we can have friends. What the fuck. Maybe this is just me being stupid, but it really chaps my ass when people do shit like that. You can't handle having a lover and a friend because your lover is insecure? or are you so insecure that you can't imagine standing up for being yourself, for being an individual and having your own friends? When you meet somebody aren't they supposed to like/love you for who you are? and aren't your friends part of you? The ignoring shit just really annoys me. When you break up I'll probably be friends with you again because I'm a sucker like that but right now I'm just pissed off. At all of you.
I don't care what you do I'm getting out. don't want a thing from you, I'm going out. I don't care if you're angry.
1.30.12