Now I know most of you Dead Kennedys fans out there know that DK are going on tour pretty damn soon. But here’s the kicker: Jello Biafra will not be singing for them during the tour. “Who’s taking his place?”, you may ask. Well, I was reading through my Grandma’s National Inquirer and came upon a little story about how the kid on that old TV show, The Courtship Of Eddie’s Father, is going to sing for them. He was on a Where Are They Now? episode on VH1 of disgruntled child stars and apparently, he’s “punk” now. It’s bad enough that The National Inquirer had a featured story on DK, but the fact that this loser is taking my beloved Jello’s place makes me wanna vomit. I am Jack’s Raging Bile Duct!!!
Courtney Love Is Still An Ugly, Ugly Slut
Ever since Kurt died, there has been a battle for the rights to release Nirvana songs and whatnot. Kurt apparently left Courtney in charge of all of the rights to his songs (apparently… then again she killed him, so she probably drew up some fake legal document stating such) and his daughter Francis will be able to do whatever she wants with the songs when she’s old enough. Courtney won’t let Krist or Dave release a box set when A: she knows that they have every right to because it’s their 10 year anniversary since they got big in the first place and B: she’s is a dirty, dirty slut and deserves to die for what she’s doing. I hate her and stand by the fact that she hired some one to kill Kurt to further her own career. She’ll get hers some day… I can only hope that someone sits down with Francis and talks to her about what a dumbass her mom is.
Back In The Day When Rob Zombie Used To Be Cool
White Zombie was such a great band. I was talking it over with my boyfriend and he led me to believe that Rob Zombie PURPOSEFULLY broke up that band (besides Sean Yesult getting Carpal Tunnel from playing “Black Sunshine” too much) to get his solo stuff out. That is just plain rude considering that Rob Zombie is crap compared to White Zombie. His songs sound recycled and clichéd, and White Zombie is just… better than Rob. This deserves to be called a travesty because we lost a really good band because of him. Shame on you, Robert!
How Rage Against The Machine Kidnapped Chris Cornell
I still don’t understand why Soundgarden broke up, but why, oh why, did the lovely and talented Chris Cornell decide to sing with the rest of RATM? I can’t stand Rage because they helped to start that whole “Nü Metal” thing, so I don’t like them. I just don’t understand. Why? At least they had the sense to break up before they released any of their songs.
Puff Daddy Needs To Die
One of the biggest travesties that I have seen (and quite possibly a transvestite as well) is Puff Daddy… Poppa Diddy Pop… whatever his name is. The name change didn’t work for Prince, what makes you think that it would work for you??? Anyhoo, so I was watching Daria one day (remember when MTV had some quality programming?) and this video comes on with Pimping Smurf Daddy and Jimmy Page for a movie about a big dinosaur that eats people. So I was wondering, “Why is Jimmy Page in a Puff Daddy video?” Then I started wondering, “Why is Kashmir being played in this song?” Then I realized that Poppa Smack Booty was doing what is called “sampling,” or what I like to call a “no talent rip-off”. I was so very disappointed when I saw the next video and Dave Navarro and Ben Stiller were in it… I almost lost all hope for humanity after witnessing that. Look, it’s okay to sample bad songs but leave the good ones alone, okay?
It’s A Spice World Out There… Be Careful
I happen to think that the Spice Girls had a lot more talent than the prefab groups today, but still, why give them their own movie? Few music groups could pull it off; The Who and Pink Floyd’s movies didn’t do too well. I just think that it was a waste of money to make a movie about the Spice Girls when you could have fed a third-world country for a year with that money.
You Know You’re A Cute Little Heartbreaker
The Monkees were definitely a cool group, but when Jimi Hendrix opened for them, the hordes of teenage groupies in the arena thought he was singing “Foxy Davy” … and that is very, very sad.
Madonna Also Needs To Die
I hate Madonna. She needs to quit the business and crawl into a hole and die. She has no talent, and she’s still trying to be sexy, even though she’s like, 45. That is disgusting, and the fact that she thinks that she is English also has my knickers in a twist. I just think that people need to stop supporting her work and let her become old news.
The World Could Have Surely Ended…
When Carson Daly and Dave Matthews (my two most favoritest people EVER!!!) met on TRL one day. Does anyone else think that they look alike and are, in fact, the ugliest men alive? They make Steve Buscemi look like Fabio (who is also rather ugly, but I’d choose him over Dave any day.)
America Is Going Down The Loo
Everyone that knows me knows how much I embrace the British culture. I whole-heartedly support their products, like Altoids and AbFab and John Cleese. I think that America is also pretty cool in itself, but I was so disappointed when Charlie’s Angels went #1 at the box office while great movies like The Royal Tenenbaums or Death To Smoochy barely cracked the Top Ten. I also have to disagree with the emphasis on sports here in America. I love geeks. Geeks are some of the coolest people in the world and they all get crap from the jocks. That is not cool. Over in Europe, the Arts are supported… well, besides all the Rugby and Football riots (‘football’ is what they call soccer… that’s a little weird for me). I think that everyone should drop their prejudices against the Motherland and be one with each other. But if that doesn’t happen, then hell, I’m going to England anyway.
Come back soon for more entries in Jen’s Big Book Of Travesties…
Oh My God... Where am I? Oh my God...I'm so doped up I don't even know I'm making an ass of myself in front of tens of hundreds of people. Oh my God... Kimmy, get me some more Zoloft.
WORK! Cover girl!