Backstage Pass

By: Blueicee
*****

Wolfwood sat on a rock in the desert, his cross standing up next to him. He raised a lit cigarette to his mouth, looking serious and deep in thought. He took a deep drag.

" Dammit! Not again!" he tossed it down and hunched over, coughing and gasping for fresh air.

"CUT!" cried the director, he stomped over to Wolfwood, who was still red in the face, "That's the third scene you've blown today!"

Wolfwood was handed a bottle of water and he took a drink and swished it in his mouth, "I can't do it anymore! This role ain't worth getting cancer over! I've smoked so many damn cigarettes that I'm having trouble even walking!"

"Hey, buddy," the director warned, "You're the one that signed the contract. It clearly states that the character you're going to play is a chronic smoker. If you can't handle it, we'll just get someone else to do it and pay them..."

"W-wait!" he cried, "I need this part!"

"What's more important?" the director asked, "Your health, or the money?"

"Don't ask me a ridiculous question like that!" yelled Wolfwood, "Of course money is more important! Fine, let's try this again! Makeup!" A few women ran over to him and powdered his face.

"Ok, Wolfwood smoking in the desert," announced a man, as everyone got in place, "Take 4. Action!"

Wolfwood was in front of the exact same desert backdrop, cigarette at the ready. Just when he was about to lift it to his lips, a loud slam filled the studio, "Goddamn it!!!" he screamed, kicking some of the set props with his heavy boots, "How the hell do expect me to work with all of these interruptions?! Where the hell is my agent!!" He lifted the cardboard cross that was next to him and hurled it at the stage crew.

"We're sorry Mr. Wolfwood," apologized the director, "We'll continued again in 10."

Wolfwood sat down moodily in a cloth chair with his name on the back. "Hey!" he yelled at some passing workers, "Can I get some coffee and donuts over here already?" They mumbled something hastily and went off to do his bidding. "Idiots!"

"What's the matter Nick?" asked Vash, his fellow actor. He sat down in a throne with his name set in gold lettering on the back, letting a woman place a crown on his head and a scepter in his hand, "Care to talk about it?"

"I dunno," Wolfwood said, sipping his coffee and recrossing his legs on his ratty, torn cloth chair, "I just feel like I'm the only one here being underpaid and overworked. No one else gets distracted when they're filming. And no one else is being forced to smoke themselves to death."

"Awwww, I know how you feel pal," Vash replied, having one of his butlers pat Wolfwood on the back reassuringly.

"You do?" Wolfwood asked hopefully.

"Oh yeah, totally!" Vash nodded, "The last movie I was paid to do I got 30 million. They're only paying me a lousy 29.9 million for this series. Pisses me off."

Wolfwood's jaw dropped to the floor, "You get paid THAT much?"

"I deserve more." Vash took a sip of wine from the diamond-studded goblet he was handed, "Plah, take this away! You gave me only cheap $$3,000 wine? Do I look like a savage to you?"

"I only get 22 double dollars an hour!!" whined Wolfwood, standing up and pulling his hair, "This is such a rip-off! I should have known something was up when they made me share a janitor's closet with Rem Saverem instead of giving me my own room! I cannot believe this!"

"Heh," laughed Vash, "You should be happy they actually gave someone like you work! I heard that they were going to give Midvalley the Hornfreak your part and have you play child number 6 in episode 22. The producers are still considering Midvalley."

"Who told you that? They were going to, and still might give that hack job Midvalley MY part?! He's been playing casinos for the past twelve years!! They picked him up in a lounge in an airport for Christ's sake!" Wolfwood yelled.

"Milly Thompson told me," replied Vash calmly, looking over his manicure, "She's been trying to get rid of you since you started.. talking to executives, the director. You know."

Wolfwood stormed off, "Well, looks like I'll be having a talk with Ms. Thompson." He stomped down the hallway where all the actor's rooms were, "Let's see...Meryl Stryfe...Legato Bluesummers....Millions Knives...Kuroneko?! They gave the damn cat its own room?! Jeeeesus! Here we are, Milly Thompson." He pounded on the door a few times.

"Come in!" came a sweet singsong voice from inside, "The door is open!"

Wolfwood opened the door and slammed it behind him, "Ms. Thompson!" he started, balling his fists up, "I just want to sa---"

"Oh dear," she interrupted, rushing past him and to the door, "I'll be right back! I forgot to tell Meryl that we have to film in an hour. Meryl!!!"

Wolfwood exhaled angrily and put a hand on his hip. He surveyed the room before him. Piles of flowers and fan letters cluttered most of the corners. Open pudding boxes littered the floor. Bags with $$ signs were piled to the ceiling. ::Boy, I never get any fan mail...or flowers...or pudding... Hell! They even buy my costumes at Good Will! My cross punisher is made out of blardboard, a cheap imitation of cardboard for God's sake!::

The door opened again, "I'm baaaack!" she chirped happily, "I'm sorry I took so long, a pile of fans wanted my autograph. What can I do for you?"

Wolfwood gritted his teeth as he spoke, "I heard that Midvalley was trying out for my part. Vash told me you have some sway in this."

Milly smiled, "Well, of course! I couldn't stand to see you injure such a great character!"

"Injure?!" cried Wolfwood, "What the hell do you mean? You know what? You're a lot nicer in the series. I had no idea you were so evil and cunning outside of work."

"Hm? What Mr. Wolfwood? I'm sorry, I can't talk anymore right now. I have to practice my lines," Milly replied, sitting down and opening a can of pudding, "I only wish Mr. Midvalley good luck in the screenings today. I sure hope he gives them heck! You should wish him good luck as well. Let's see now, was it "Meryl?" and then eat some pudding or was it eat some pudding and then "Meryl?". Those scripts are so darn confusing..."

"Screening, eh?" Wolfwood walked out of Milly's room and made his way back to the main set, being careful to avoid E.G. Mine in the narrow hallway. He pushed the set door open and nearly had a conniption. Midvalley was on stage doing the exact same take he has messed up on before. Midvalley was also dressed in the exact same outfit he had on and was about to take a drag of 'his' cigarette. Wolfwood couldn't watch the scene before him anymore...Midvalley was just doing too damn good a of a job. "FIRE!" he yelled, causing everyone to panic. The director yelled, "CUT!" and the entire cast and crew moaned when they saw that the shot was ruined.

"Just whatinthehell do you think you're doing?" Wolfwood walked up to Midvalley, getting all in his face, "And what the hell is this about?" He gestured to the four glued on pieces of hair adorning Midvalley's chin. Wolfwood yanked them off, causing Midvalley to flinch.

He rubbed his chin, "Hey! That smarted! Why did you do that?"

"You're stealing my part you jerk!" retorted Wolfwood.

"Am not!" Midvalley shot back.

"As a pretend priest, I sentence you to burn in hell!"

"You can't do that!"

"Wanna make a bet? Part stealer!"

"Are you insane Wolfwood? I'd never steal your part!"

"You just DID!"

The director ambled up to them, shaking his head, "Wolfwood, you've got it all wrong. Midvalley is just going to try out as your stunt double. Who ever told you that he was going to replace you?"

"S-stunt double?" stammered Wolfwood, his mouth open in an 'O'.

"Of course, stunt double," the director crossed his arms, "Unless you'd like to do all of the dangerous parts all by yourself... I have a particularly dangerous one involving quicksand if you'd like to--"

"No no no! My bad! Sorry!" Wolfwood apologized, bending over and picking up the stray hairs. He spit on the ends and tried to restick them to Midvalley's chin, but they just fell to the floor again, "But didn't Milly speak with the executives about getting me replaced?"

"What? Oh heavens no," cried the director, "Ms. Thompson was afraid of you injuring yourself so she went out of her way to try to convince us that you needed a stunt double. It really was quite nice her of. She is such a considerate young girl, just like her big sister."

"I'll have to send her a thank you card then," muttered Wolfwood.

Vash walked past at that exact same moment, "Hey everyone!" He waved.

Wolfwood looked up, "You told me that they were going to replace me!! Come back here, Spikehead!!" Wolfwood tackled him roughly, Vash's arms flailing about.

"Get offa me Wolfwood! Hey! That tickles! Ow! That didn't! St-ha-ha-ha-ha-op it!" Wolfwood had Vash in a headlock and was giving him noogies.

"Why the hell did you lie for?" demanded Wolfwood, "Say uncle! Say uncle!"

"UNCLE! UNCLE!" whined Vash, whimpering when Wolfwood finally let him go. He stood up and brushed the dust from his tangled red coat and straightened his flattened hair, "You took the last donut this morning. So I made all that stuff about me getting paid more and Midvalley taking your job away to get back at you."

"Because of a donut?!" yelled Wolfwood, smacking himself in the forehead, "You moron!"

"H-hey," Vash replied, pouting, "You don't have to yell at me! Donuts are really important you know."

Wolfwood rolled his eyes, "I can't believe HE got the lead in this series. They may as well give the cat his part."

"Myaa?" Kuroneko blinked twice and cocked its head to the side. Next to it a random Legato, Meryl, Knives, and group of Gung-ho guns popped up from behind a piece of set, waving.

::Note to readers; the author felt bad because they didn't appear in the following production. I believe that this makes up for any disappointed fans::

-The end

::Well, what did you think? Bad? Stupid? A complete waste of computer space? Ahhhh, please review me^^

-Blueicee, I do it for love, for love and for peace!

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