stumbling in quebec city, scribbling on walls of a crappy hotel, katie's puking
i was sitting, not two days ago feeling lonely 'cause i'm just feeling low and i asked henry, my bartending friend why it is that there are those kind of men
Look, um, Dan. Love me. No, I can't ask you that. But I have. I wouldn't want you to anyway. Not the way most think. We would get dreadfully miserable of each other. Some people are just not made for that. I'm a melodramatic little bitch who never has anything to say in a properly intellectual conversation (or any conversation at all) and when I do, it doesn't mean a thing because I don't feel anything. See, I'm also insensitive and empty-headed. An utterly terrible individual. I'm no good for no one. Oh there's a double, thinly disguised meaning. Only for my terrible grammar. You're not so special yourself, babe. In addition to being a couple things I said I was, you're just that tad more laughable. No, we're one and the same there. I can't just put what I should've said in words right now. Don't be afraid to tell me I'm wrong. Actually maybe you should even if I'm not, but though we barely know each other's emotions, thoughts, and emotions better than anyone, including ourselves, could think we should. And that's quite awful, isn't it? Ha!, I blew things so out of proportion, and even if I hadn't, no one sane and in our position should even bring up that fact. It could only lead to trouble and not the bashful, "well-it-could-be-fun-what-the-hell?" sort of trouble, but the bad sort; the one that is the number one cause for the sort of thing I alluded to in the beginning. Also, because besides stupid things that probably aren't even true, I can't see why we could possibly be that special after all to each other. Anyone can love anyone in this crazy world we live in, but I don't think there's one person that really should. Dan, I have to be honest. There might be one thing. One stupid, stupid thing that sets you apart from all the other weirdoes in my life. I push everyone away, Dan, understand, unconsciously or not. Anyone who shows the least bit of compassion is- Well, not necessarily banished, but somewhat lost on the sliding scale on how much I value them. Dan- You've never protected me. And if you have in the tiniest way, well... All the better I guess. It would be better if I start trying to avoid using the words "us" and "we" because, hell, I don't know for sure-Oh, who cares, fuck caution. React any way you want. You're something, Dan, though I don't know what and for who. Actually true or not that was a filler to what I've forgotten to say. A much more certain person would probably ask if it might've been better if I hadn't forgotten, but I'm not certain at all. I have no idea where I am, been, or going. I lied to you when I told you what I hoped to do with the rest of my life. Actually, I just remembered what I was going to say. Nevermind. This is enough- It doesn't matter. I don't think any of it does. Since there's actually a slight chance I'd give this to you- Well,- Dan, you told me that sometimes you think in concepts that you can't express in words. I don't know what I'm thinking. I have no idea what I desire. Except I think to know all that. The only other thing I can probably say with any certainty (not a lot) is that wherever we are, this isn't the place I want to be. I f I had would I be writing this? Perhaps this hasn't a thing at all to do with you. I can't finish this letter. I wish we could read minds, but apparently we can't and will have to make do. Goodbye Dan.
Judy
