Further Reading: A. Berkely, 2001 January 24
Judy,
Got it.
Okay I read the story twice, which I think is important because any single reading is so influenced by the moment that to be responsible the reviewer
should take the average of two.
You described the text as a "short story," and I like it for the same reason that I liked your favorite's list on Amazon, enough to track your voice all
the way across the internet with my trusty Google search engine. There is something captivating about that "misogynistic teenage female" and her cute
literary voice. And I do mean cute.
Some lines I like because they have a comforting, slangy quality, like:
"A broken little doll was what she was."
"Do you ever notice that most of the books written about girls are really rather good? At least in comparison to those written about men?"
"I always believed that when all was classed and ranked that I would remain among the lowest order of people" [This idea is good enough to use as the lead in to the story. And don't worry if you found the general phrasing somewhere else. Just give it your own twist and thats enough. Whats that quote, Good writers never borrow -- They steal.]
But the cute literary voice is also the problem. I couldn't really separate out the voice of the misogynistic teenage female from the other voices in
the story. It all seemed to be written in the same allusive, chatty style. The boys sounded like each other and they also sounded like the girl. I couldn't tell who was talking when and so couldn't register the dynamics of a real, changing relationship.
Can you write a short story within a single voice? Probably, but I don't know how, since technically any dialogue should include two voices. Think about how you talk when you talk with your parents. Now those are two, or three voices, distinct, strong, and unmistakably rooted in different existential circumstances. Yet they are talking, communicating, struggling for common meanings.
What I found in this story was a single voice talking about itself through the I-You pronouns. The effect on me was more like that of a song lyric, vague, suggestive, but without any real strong meanings attached. Words like "neuroses," "kinky," "conscience," "bitch," "funny/humor," seemed to be used without much weight attached to them, tossed away like recyclable packaging. The organization of the dialogue almost seemed to be in stanzas. Don't forget that song lyrics rely on the musical accompaniment to set the mood and provide organization. Without that, it is difficult to interpret what goes on or what we should think about any given passage.
The songy style did succeed in creating a mood of dramatic interplay between three young lovers, one doomed. But I wanted to know so much more than what
i was told about them. I wanted to know where they were, what they do when not exploring each other verbally and physically, and what barriers they have reached across to be with each other, even if for only a short time.
Finally, some recommendations. 1)Stretch that cute literary voice out of its confines to embrace more of whats going on. Describe the room, the characters, what they wear and eat and sound like sleeping. Anything so long as you make the piece much more concrete. 2) Invest your own energy in really creating some characters that stand on their own two feet -- this may be the most challenging for you, but make it easy on yourself and model them after people you know (and not just your friends who happen to like the same
bands that you do. 3)Since you have a plot, why not just make it clear? I didn't like that intentionally difficult style.
Don't be coy, be a bitch. Like me.
Can you tell how much fun I'm having?
Tony
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