A nightmare to be woken up from for a horribly well settled person. Calm, intelligent, wise. Desires, goals, opinions that lie beyond any responsible peer's contempt. Maybe that person can't exist. But I've seen too many who are. Almost, close enough at least. They've generally convinced themselves they are and often I get hooked in too. Saying that an individual like that couldn't exist is only an excuse for giving up trying. Ages ago (that's what it seems) I sometimes went to bed with a selfish wish of again waking up as kerri george. That was for a different reason, something else I found intolerable about my life. I'm not saying that if I again wake up as the person I was three years ago, everything would be fine, but I hated something outside of me. What one hates gives a person definition, but what if you hate yourself? What one loves also gives a person definition, but I don't know what I love.
I don't really hate myself. Or I don't think that is all there is. I sometimes tell people that the reason that it is difficult to talk to me is because I didn't really quite get something, but that's not it. I understand usually. I just don't seem clear. (damn my feet itch) Maybe I'm just stupid, but I feel emotionally and socially stunted. My friend keith thinks he'll never meet anyone more wonderful than I am. I believe that and disbelieve at the same time.
I think I'm writing this because I worry I disinterest you. I can't imagine myself ever being much different than I am now, but maybe that's stupid. Maybe it's stupid because I'm not any different than I was then or less interesting. Not only stupid because.. I've lost that train of thought. I remember how we used to talk and seeing us not talking in the same way. I tried to message you earlier today, and you didn't respond. Perhaps you did try. I think I got kicked off soon afterward. But maybe you didn't. I think the last time we talked. It was a couple phrases exchanged. You excused yourself by mentioning that you were having an emotional conversation with another, and, I think understanding but I'm not sure, I let you go. 'But get back later?' 'Sure.' And yet you didn't. The couple times before.. I went out walking. I looked up a bunch of your posts on dejanews to see if you've said anything recently. You have. And I don't know how I feel. I know. I'm probably just very very sensitive and sentimental. Hrm. You have a girlfriend now. The same? Who lives in texas with a name that starts with 'l.' Not laura? She was your friend in dc.
I? Boyfriendless. Even pseudoboyfriendless. Girlfriendless too. But I'm not bitter about it. I don't really much care actually. Though I am a little anxious about never have been fucked or kissed. A few months ago, I had phone sex (is it phone sex without dirty talk or just mutual masturbation) with ramon who loves me. Like keith, I believe and disbelieve. I probably believe more than disbelieve. Yeah. I guess I could do it again and I have, a couple times. But it feels kind of funny.. Planned. Which, believe me, wasn't the first time. That first time knocked me through. I thought I'd be all right and satisfied, at through until a reasonable amount of time after I start school in the fall (boston university. come visit. they wouldn't hate you there.). But of course. You know judy, the unsatisfiable. Bleh. Jealous. Judy's jealous. I get jealous. Did I tell you? No huge deal however. Just an extremely posessive individual. Could I have your children, David? Or perhaps just one. You can fuck others. Unless I undergo a major change, I'll have to. There are other people I'd vaguely entertain the thought of children with the same way I'm doing here. Not sure I could have children or eventually come to a point where I say oh yeah I definitely can instead of later or if it comes let it come (more the former since I expect to use protection?). When is someone ready? I don't think in my twenties, but perhaps even when I'm only halfway through.. You never know. I remember a talk with john about this. A lot more of it was about abortion and the situation involved in having a child 'now,' but in general.
Been fairly tired recently. I've been writing this in bits and pieces since last night. If I can, I constantly nap. I was watching a moth last night. I had it on my hand for more than an hour. Very exhausting. It was very late. At one point I lost it and thought I could find it later, but when I did turn to find it, I found that I had crushed it. It might've died worsed deaths, but.. I watched it for almost a half hour longer before I put it on the corner of my bookcase and went to sleep. It was gone in the morning. It wasn't dead when I crushed it, but it seemed fairly crippled. It was very absorbing. At least at first. I get fairly absorbed with animals, babies, and peers who aren't right then speaking to me. And rain.
I saw joel on saturday. You once suggested that I had a schoolgirl crush on him. I was, indeed, fairly obsessed then. The few times I've tried to call him I've reached an answering machine without his voice. I've calmed down since then, but I don't think I would mind.. Wouldn't mind what? I need to secure off a sizable amount of time to actually 'talk' to him. We average at about five minutes a meeting.
I have surgery in a week. Exactly. A severe underbite. Should take a few hours. I have a slight, curious fear of the worst. But it's not really a fear. A paranoid, melodramatic acknowledgement.
I got your address/number off verizon. Was thinking about sending you a postcard. It has john kerouac on the front. Really sort of beautiful. But I couldn't come up with what to write. Didn't call. Phones still make me anxious.
If I died, would you cry? Keith still refuses to give me a cookie. Even a virtual one.
judy