< loopbliss > hullo?

< soniccam > uh...hello again

< loopbliss > computer. *sniffle* shut down. *shrug* managed to find my copy of magnolia.

< soniccam > that's ok
< soniccam > sooooooo...about last night...

< loopbliss > about last night...

< soniccam > * coughs * yes...
< soniccam > it was good...

< loopbliss > post-coital ackwardness
< loopbliss > i can't even spell it. it so effected me

< soniccam > i don't remember going quite * that * far
< soniccam > you seemed to be in a strange mood afterwards tho

< loopbliss > perhaps... perhaps... we didn't go very far, but then i'm rather funny in that way
< loopbliss > don't think i was thrown head over heels by the entire thing. it was just rather fuzzy

< soniccam > fuzzy can be good
< soniccam > "confusion is the future and beyond it is freedom, confusion is next and next after that is the truth..."
< soniccam > (sonic youth again, sorry!)

< loopbliss > yes. sounds rather intriguing. and true.
< loopbliss > where could i find that?

< soniccam > don't!
< soniccam > it's an awful song!
< soniccam > but i like that line...

< loopbliss > oh, but if the line is good!

< soniccam > it is from 'confusion is next' off...'confusion is sex' which seems oddly also relevant to this

< loopbliss > i can see the connection

< soniccam > yep

< loopbliss > we shouldn't make too much of this. i shouldn't make too much anyways... we're silly. we'll drown in the ball pool perhaps and get fucked over by giant, canadian bunnies
< loopbliss > licking your jesus-defiled socks

< soniccam > yeah i guess so
< soniccam > i don't know
< soniccam > it was fun tho

< loopbliss > but then. it doesn't have to stop. it isn't necessarily bad. we haven't gone and disgusted one another in horrible, horrible ways leading to years of therapy
< loopbliss > i'm not sure if i'm saying yes or no...

< soniccam > i guess we'll see
< soniccam > as long as both of us are both ok with it
< soniccam > and not that one is pressurising the other
< soniccam > even if it is over the net

< loopbliss > i think we are as best as we can... it might flow over into something else. i feel as if a line's been formed and you're cutting.

< soniccam > cutting the line between us?
< soniccam > no, i just saying that it should be ok from both sides#
< soniccam > we'll see

< loopbliss > there was someone before. are you sure i haven't betrayed him? but then again what's the use in asking. if there was something wrong, i'd get bitchy and intensely guilty about it < loopbliss > oh no. not that. i was going to explain quickly, but i got tied up

< soniccam > ???
< soniccam > "he"???
< soniccam > who???
< soniccam > what???

< loopbliss > no. don't get worried about it. someone else. it probably wouldn't have worked out quite as well. though i did think for a moment that there could've been love

< soniccam > (note the triplet forming nature of my messages clearly indicating a jazz 3 / 4 disposition)

< loopbliss > is that a compliment?

< soniccam > that's ok...it doesn't matter if there is someone else
< soniccam > i think we are a little far apart to consider this thing TOO seriously
< soniccam > it's like a dream...you can fall in love in or with your dream but you rarely get to live out the dream...but, mind you, sometimes that can happen
< soniccam > usually years later

< loopbliss > i know. well, i'm a little too far from him either.
< loopbliss > years later. unless we get into some horrible arguement about strawberry jam, who knows
< loopbliss > i actually wasn't planning this. planing against it almost when we were talking about love at first... it's funny. i don't think i wanted to get hurt again.

< soniccam > then don't
< soniccam > i don't want this to hurt you so let's stop it

< loopbliss > i don't think it matters. it was just then. you don't go into something wonderful without knowing that something horrible is always around some little corner.
< loopbliss > it's a selfish thought
< loopbliss > to think otherwise. pessimistic yes to think so.

< soniccam > yeah but i don't want you to get hurt by this
< soniccam > for me this is weird

< loopbliss > you're not thinking about getting hurt yourself?

< soniccam > i never did anything like that online before

< loopbliss > i'm strong.

< soniccam > no, because i acknowledge that it is a dream
< soniccam > albeit a shared dream
< soniccam > which was wonderful
< soniccam > but a dream nevertheless

< loopbliss > it's not going to be simply about cyber sex of course. but it's hard to comfort. it's hard to be a physical presence.
loopbliss: a dream then.

< soniccam > yes a dream
< soniccam > but the lack of physical presence...i don't know...it still makes it kind of empty...i mean, half of having sex is being able to hold the person before and after

< loopbliss > hoping it will be a wonderful one and not end up having us run into our parents' beds sobbing or something one forgets upon waking up
< soniccam > i mean...obviously just HOLDING someone is not necessarily pleasure

< loopbliss > it is

< soniccam > but after all the energy of the event it is nice to be able to share that
< soniccam > let's just see what happens anyway
< soniccam > and i have to admit that i don't think i could go out with someone in real life and do something like this online

< loopbliss > oh pity, i think i've hurt someone's feelings by ignoring them.

< soniccam > i could be unfaithful theoretically but my conscience always takes sharp bites

< loopbliss > it takes up all your time. your thoughts.

< soniccam > not all the time
< soniccam > i rarely feel guilt
< soniccam > if ever
< soniccam > but then i have no reason because i never allow myself to get into a situation where i have consciously done this that I consider so bad it was worth feeling guilty about
< soniccam > but there have been moments now and then < loopbliss > i've never imagined. i always thought that the only love that as wonderful as it is is somewhat bitter and concious but not too much was the unrequited sort. is this love? i don't know what to think

< loopbliss > i rarely feel guilt either
< loopbliss > goodbye stranger's on... here
< loopbliss > can i ask you something

< soniccam > of course
< soniccam > this is love but of a different kind
< soniccam > incidently
< soniccam > (i think)

< loopbliss > what was it? why?
< loopbliss > i'd go on, but i'll wait until you tell me you don't understand

< soniccam > ok...what was what?

< loopbliss > i guess. what made you take me on the mini-date? all the talk about love made me wonder if i had built up a barrier around myself
< loopbliss > you don't have to answer. it would just feed some little curiousity

< soniccam > um...that was my answer

< loopbliss > all right then. love and everything else in life has it's mysteries. deserves them

< soniccam > you want more?

loopbliss: mysteries?

< soniccam > well, i thought initially - from your profile and from your club messages - that you did put a barrier around yourself but now I don't think it is true or at least it is no different from the barriers I put around myself of art and music and literature which are barriers yes but also a part of me

< loopbliss > i think i'm afraid which probably explains quite a bit of it. but yes, it's also part me and i wouldn't give up any of it. not conciously. things change constantly and i accept the fact.
< loopbliss > i am quite silly in my messages and melodramatic and dark in my profile

< soniccam > yes and i like you regardless.
< soniccam > but in a nice way

< loopbliss > oh but you should like me for them! oh well, like kundera said we shouldn't go around telling people that we love them for such and such, but love them despite being the bastards and heartless beings that they are
< loopbliss > it's true. it prevents us from self-destructing

< soniccam > hmmmm
< soniccam > well i like you for both (but not because you are heartless or anything)

< loopbliss > it's fool-proof. we won't go looking for our good points in order to destroy them and test the boundaries of our love. and perhaps they really do love us for those reasons.
< loopbliss > say despite. say it for anything. make sure it's true, but i don't think i'd hate you forever if it wasn't
< loopbliss >

< soniccam > wraps his arms round judy and falls asleep on the sofa

< loopbliss > watches chris breathe, absorbed
< loopbliss > falls asleep

< soniccam > ok...i didn't really fall asleep
< soniccam > sheesh!
< soniccam > it is hard to share a moment over the internet

< loopbliss > yes, it is. we probably would've fallen asleep if we were really on some couch...

< soniccam > yeah, but being that i have had about half an hour's sleep in the last two days i think i would

< loopbliss > for hours. then i'd complain about some creak in my back for laying on top of you for so long and you'd wonder why you'd ever put up with me.
< loopbliss > oh? i think i have enough sleep.

< soniccam > and i would laugh and kiss you

< loopbliss > but down inside, you'd be a little vexed. i guarantee it

< soniccam > nah, nothing much vexes me...
< soniccam > apart from customers
< soniccam > but they don't really bother me that much either
< soniccam > except for the tosser over the phone today
< soniccam > conversation went as follows:
< soniccam > Man (v. camp): Have you unpacked the Pokemon cards yet?

< loopbliss > pokemon cards... i should get me some

< soniccam > Me: (supposed to have gone ten minutes ago): Uh, I don't know, I work in the kids department...Sci-fi deals with RPG
< soniccam > Man: Oh for God's sake!

< loopbliss > not kidding. seriously considering the investment.
< loopbliss > heh

< soniccam > - note here: kids and sci-fi share the same desk -

< loopbliss > you're wonderful

< soniccam > thank you
< soniccam > but i've not finished yet
< soniccam > well, i kind of have actually...

< loopbliss > oh, carry on. of course.

< soniccam > he he he

< loopbliss > was that it? i love you dear and you know that, but that was-
< loopbliss > pathetic
< loopbliss >

< soniccam > but i should be going soon-ish