all this breathing in never breathing out
and years later you come up with the perfect comeback. problem one: it's years later. problem two: it's not quite perfect.
I need one last thing. No guarantees you'll believe me or understand. Maybe I've made
too much of our relationship, but I also wonder if I've made too little. That's a line to be
crossed that I can't necessarily climb right back over. I know that probably the two most
opportune times to have broken our relationship up permanently or for a suitable interim
were two years ago. But did I realize?
This isn't the same letter I wrote you so long ago though I hope its still just as amiable if
not more so. I'm also hoping that you won't take it quite so badly. If you're hurt, then I
am, and from an experience we all know so well by now, the pain doesn't have to come
indirectly. The thing is that now I have my reasons and this isn't just a sudden turn of
events. I don't regret falling in love with you, and I still believe, as hard as it sometimes
is, that it was just that: love; bliss; a feeling of forever. We never did have that much in
common (Though we are getting more so as time moves on. Especially in the last few
months.), and there was always a certain lack of unconscious trust, at least on my part.
Don't get me wrong. I told you everything you ever asked with full truthfulness, and
except for the few times that I just didn't think you would understand (I end up telling
you anyway), you know everything that goes on in my mind. Everything that makes it
through the subconscious, cruel filter in my heart.
I've always wondered if things would've been different if I had stuck it out for even a
moment longer that now incredibly distant day in November. Who knows? We could be
deciding on a china pattern right now. Life could've turned out less complicated-
And more complacent. Charles de Gaulle, who was Prime Minister of France at one
point during the last century, was once asked by a journalist if he was happy. He turned
to him, "What do you take me for? An idiot?"
I don't regret my asking's of "What if?" or telling you everything I've just said. I don't
necessarily mean that all of it is forever either. I think I just have to stop worrying every
time we talk. I'm pretty certain that I still love you (Because why then would I be so
uncertain about what I'm doing just now?). Nothing will change that, but relating to the
quote at the beginning, sometimes after taking in so much, we need to pause to
exhale.
