Just Another Torture Session
It always starts out the same, beginning of a familiar game. It always starts out soft and low, creeping in nice and slow, a tingle in my wrist, discomfort clenching a fist. It works its way up my arm, just a tickle, no actual harm. But I know what's coming, and my head starts drumming, anticipatory tension building up behind my eyes. I clench them shut as my illusory control dies, and the tears start to fall. I turn my face to the wall, and cry, though there's no one here to see. No one knows how weak I can be. And I need it that way. Sometimes I think, that the wait is the worst. It spawns a sickening thirst. Let it come, just let it come and be done. The tickle begins to burn, starts to sting. My pounding skull makes my ears ring, as the fire creeps into my shoulder. The room just keeps getting colder. Thick air grows staler, older. And we're just getting started. I watch the room fall away from me. The twisting in my chest won't let me see. It skews my vision as I rush toward collision. Now, it hits. A hundred martyr's pyres, are all wrapped up in the fires, that scald my struggling heart. Try to hold myself together, but it rips my arms apart, and I flail in a void. I am alone, with my demon. There's no one else to hold me, but it does. It holds me close, with its claws around my neck. It reminds me that I serve its call and beck. It smothers. It strangles. It taunts, and dangles, the hope of release before my face. Hope seeks me out, like a blind man lost in silence, stumbling, reaching, crawling, falling victim to the violence, of my demon. It lashes me, increasing the pace, until I choke on a sick little whimper. I can't hold that back, but I refuse to simper. I won't let myself beg, not yet. So on we go. The demon dances in a sick state of glee, knowing I'm caught 'til it sets me free. And every step of that frantic reel, is another lance of pain that I'm forced to feel. I spend the night curled up on the floor, praying no one walks in the door, twitching too hard to stay in bed, against the carpet banging my head. I stifle the screams so no one can hear, holding them back though there's no one near, pressing my fist against my lips, sucking in air with the barest of sips. But I'm bound to break. I was never strong enough to take, it all, not when it gets this bad. Shame, shame, what can I do? Pray for strength to make it through? It's been done before. I don't ask Him anymore, for His help. He never answered anyway. I'm alone. I can't hold it in forever. In slow motion, I watch the demon sever, my last lifeline to sanity. And I finally abandon vanity, and scream. My agonized cries splinter the quiet, and the demon swallows them whole, its preferential diet. Once I start, there's no way to stop. I'm plunging over an endless drop, and never touching the bottom, never coming to rest. Once again I failed the test, gave in, lost control, couldn't just stay quiet and pay my toll. My own shrieks draw blood from my ears, but it just falls to blend with the sweat and the tears. I'm slick with both, convulsing on the bedroom floor, howling that I can't take it anymore. But it still doesn't stop. I beg. I plead. Right about now I'd swear to any deed, just to make it finally end. I'd lie. I'd cheat. I'd kill, even you, my friend. I disgust myself, but I can't help it. I disgust myself because I can't help it. Right now I wish I could be strong like you. I think if I were, I might pull through. But I'm not. So I hide myself in the scream, 'cause it hurts too much to dream. I can't take it anymore. Oh God, I just can't take it. I know I'll never make it, and even I can't fake it. Oh Jesus, it's just not fair, that I'm tearing out my hair, while my own body turns on me, and my heart becomes my enemy. It hurts. Dear God it hurts so fucking much. I'm dying here. Someone, please, turn off the light. Even I can't bear the sight. I'm gibbering on the floor in a fetal position, caught up in the throes of an undeserved attrition, babbling screams of weakness admission. God help me, how do I merit this condition? Please, someone, anyone, turn off the light. I am alone.
Return
