Blah.....Michael CaineI've been thinking about making one of these for a while, but tonight I had to vent a little. Tomorrow I wake up and I have to clean out a garage I don't even use, with a brother who hates me even though I probably saved his life by finally ratting him out, and then after that few hours of crap fest, I have to take a shower, get dressed and guess what........you'll never guess.........GO TO WORK FORM SIX TO FUCKING MIDNIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Right now I hate my life with the burning rage of ten thousand suns.
BUT ANYWAY, this is supposed to be a funny site, so.....
There once was a man named Joe Smith. Joe was worked for an advertising agency in a cubicle kinda job that he hated. He lived in a small suburban community with his beautiful daughter Kari, and his georgeous wife Jane. Joe loved them both, football, porno, and books about war. He was well.....the average Joe.
There was one thing that Joe loved above all else, and that was tucking in Kari everynight. Joe would read her the same two books, Where the Wildthings Are and The Lorax, and then just before he turned out the light, just as she was rubbing her big blue eyes sleepily he would say "Okay Honey....Say your prayers." To which Kari would respond dutifully "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, God bless Grandpa, and God bless the whole world"
Every night sent Joe off to bed with a smile for his wife at the beautiful little girl they had created together, then one night was different. Oh he read the same books, and he tucked her in with the same bear, but when Kari said her prayers she said "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and Good bye Grandpa"
The words struck deadpan in his ears. Goodbye Grandpa. Now Joe had lost his father in an accident at the tire plant a long time ago. A gorilla had escaped from the zoo and mauled his father, a jizz wiper at the local peep show, on a tour of the tire plant. No Jane's father was the only Grandpa Kari had. That's why Joe didn't forget it when he got the call the next morning saying Jane's father had died in the night.
Time passed. They buried Jane's father. Joe stayed very strong for her and Kari. That month he even called up his mother, even told her he loved her, based on the advice of Opera and Dr. Phil. This was a break through because Joe hadn't spoken to his mother since he found her on Hollywood and Vine, drunk, and selling BJ's for cigarettes. Joe was happy he did though cause that night as he tucked in Kari he heard "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and Good bye Grandma"
Sure enough, the next morning, Joe's mother, Kari's only Grandmother was found dead on Hollywood and Vine. Joe was awestruck. There was only one explination, his little girl was Psychic. So imagine Joe's distress when he said "Alright honey, say your prayers" and she said "God bless mommy, and GOODBYE DADDY....."
He was lost in thought. She had to be wrong. It had to be a coinsidence. Was he really going to die in some freak accident within the next day?! He decided to play it safe. He stayed up all night drinking coffee and watching infomercials. As he got in his car, a new boflex on the way, he drove 20 miles an hour on his ten mile commute to work, staying far away from traffic. He couldn't leave Kari without a daddy, he couldn't leave Jane without a man who knew how to tie her up just right.
When he got to work, all he could do was sit at his cubicle and write the date over and over again, with the pot of coffee in one hand. He couldn't even oogle the huge breasted intern who liked to wiggle through and wink at anyone she thought was middle management and could get her a better job. He couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep, he couldn't oogle, he was afraid to go to the bathroom even. He was a sad excuse of a man. Until midnight.
At the stroke of midnight exactly he danced to his car, quite sure now that his daughter wasn't some freaky christopher walken rip off, and he sped home while eating a giant greasy bacon burger. As he finally came home, he kicked open the door and saw his georgeous wife sitting in the living room waiting for him. He breathed a sigh of relief as he saw her, and removed his coat. "Honey you will not BELIEVE the day I just had. Firs-"
She cut him off quickly, obviously agitated "YOUR DAY?! I WAKE UP AT EIGHT O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING AND FIND THE MILK MAN DEAD ON OUR FRONT PORCH!!"
Moral: Every Joe Average should beat the shit out of the milk man....no offense to milk men.....you guys are just playa's apparently
P.S. If you read this far and still didn't get it, Kari wasn't really his daughter. Jane had actually had sex with their milk man while Joe was away at work. You see when a man and a woman decide they love each other......