I've never seen earlier than when she's on the slave ship except in snippets of her memory and stories she tells of her family.
Even with her eyes closed she could smell it. They said that you got used to it over time but it had been many passings by her count and still as bad the day they had been dragged aboard. She opened her mouth to avoid smelling it but the air was so rancid that she could almost taste it. People were not meant to be so close together for so long.
In the sweaty heat she lay, her arms wrapped tight around her body to avoid touching those beside her. She could feel the bugs on her skin and willed her self away from this awful reality, dreaming of fields and air and sky.
A cry broke through the darkness and she shot up from my resting place, it was time. Gathering the scraps of fabric she'd been saving for this she climbed over the sleeping bodies to where the girl lay and began to prepare as much as she was able.
Wiping a bloody hand across her forhead she sighed with tired relief, they had lived. She lent back upon a thick pole and tried to remember what it was like to stretch then turned and threw up. It was vile, the scavengers beside the poor woman had seized the placenta and ripped it apart as soon as they could, climbling over her hands to get at it. It was only sheer determination that kept the child from being killed.
(Later...)
She used to dream of going over the big waters, travelling along the currents with the fish. Being so far from land that all she could see for days was water. She would stand upon the cliffs and watch the waves for hours, waiting for the men to come back from their whale hunts.
She took a breath and sung a tentative note, seeing if her voice still worked. She had not sung since Ahnel died on the last 'run' around the deck. They had thrown her overboard immidiately and they had not alowed the people to sing her death chant nor stay by her body as her spirit waited to go to the homeland. She was doomed to stay in the ocean, her spirit washed about with the tides and she could only hope that Ahnel would one day reach the shores of Naruhna again with the tides.
Her voice drifted over the bodies, wavering in the air, it was a traditional song of sorrow and death and each of them felt it within their souls. Some of the women joined in and the men beat the rhytmn with their chains but her voice rode strong above them all.
* * * * * *
Years later:
Closing her eyes she felt the hot tears seep down, going cold as they fell on the rug. She hadn’t fought Torville to go through this at the hands of one who she thought was her friend. Anger rose icy in her mind and she began to think of ways to kill him. Her leg shot up but he blocked it and grabbed her wrists with a grip that she knew would bruise.
Biting her lip she could feel the dry torn skin, sharp and painful and as he held her arms down she realized that no matter what she did he was going to overpower her and there was nothing she could do about it. - She began to be afraid.
Her hair was splayed around her face and her eyes opened wide as she gasped for air. He was so heavy, her ribs ached and breathing began to hurt but he kept going regardless. She wanted him to stop but was frozen, weakened as though her body had just woken from sleep, that feeling where you cannot even bring the strength to clench your hand in a fist.
It was strangely like that feeling, and she knew that she would never again lie comforted by that sleepy feeling. It was only in those moments of awakening that you see certain things. Where, in your dreamlike haze you realize just how meaningless the lies we tell ourselves are. Our command over our bodies is nothing more than a game we play with fate. She closed her eyes and tried to wish herself away.But no amount of wishing could make this go away, her childhood of escape failed her now, in this one instant she thought she was prepared for she realized how much she was all a façade, a fake, nothing. Her skin was burning as he moved but there was a coldness that went through her. Once he rolled away, she curled into a little ball and shivered uncontrollably. Her eyes closed again but the room was etched into her brain as his flesh was ground into hers. She was parched but knew that water would only make her sick.
.
He had left after a while and she had dragged herself outside, following the sound of waves crashing against the shore. She didn’t know what she was going to do but she knew that she had to get there or she would die. Her body would be a thing apart from her soul and she would be used like that again and again and again. She had to get to the ocean.
The sand had gone cold as the sun disappeared for another night, she knew the water would be even colder and suddenly she cared. She cared that the sand hurt her knees, that she was covered in blood and sweat. She cared that she was crawling to numb her wounds, both inside and out in the stinging salt of the water. Standing she steeled her heart and walked, her legs shaking and heart crying but only two tears fell, no more. She was not going to cry anymore.
Wiping the sand from her knees she walked to the house, back straight and head high. She was the daughter of a chief, she had the loyalty of her fathers people and responsibility to keep them safe and well. She was no mans whore.
The door was still ajar and she stood for a moment on the threshold, looking at the scene before her. It gave her a strange satisfaction to know that although she was defiled, she was defiled in a grand house on a rug that probably cost more than half the grime she saw each day would earn in ten years.
Walking over the edge of it she had to agree that is probably wasn’t the worst place in the world, although she loved her father he would have sold her off for an alliance of some sort anyway, it was how things were done. And she had seen some of her prospective suitors, all in all this wasn’t the worst thing that could have happened. At least if she told herself enough it could become true... She went into the bathroom, and ran a bath. She still found it amazing that they had water from taps instead of buckets then smiled to herself, it wasn’t long ago that she had found bathing water in a house amazing in itself, she was getting spoilt in this lifestyle. There was a peculiar odor from the water, Thame said it was something about the ground it came from but it was hot and smelt kind of earthy so she liked it. Most who used it perfumed it with salts and oil but she thought it foolish. It stung as it touched her skin, more so than usual but it felt healing and she closed her eyes for a moment, calling to the spirits and Gods that walked with her.
(Mother bring strength and healing, Father leave pride in your path, Oh spirits keep my heart uplifted through each of the sorrows that pass.)
Her head lolled back and she let her arms float on the water. Without her noticing she drifted into no-mind, a skill she thought forgotten... (she gets taken by a vision and sees all that happened through ‘true eyes’. It had not been entirely Serus but a ‘deamon' influencing (quite heavily) his body in order to break her spirit[ok, bad explaination, forgive me])
She rose suddenly from the water which had gone cold, her fingers were horrible and wrinkled and she almost fell. Catching herself she realized that when Serus had left the lok in his eyes had been disbelief and self hatred, obviously he wouldn’t understand. She didn't even know if she understood. Climbing out of the water she dried herself as she went to the wardrobe, the only clothing was his of course and she decided on a shirt and used a torn sheet as a sarong. Then she left to find him, a knot in her stomach and lump in her throat.
* * * * *
Standing on the rocks he saw her crawling from the house. His stomach clenched and he threw up again, he couldn’t believe what had just happened. It was like he was a prisoner in his own body but even as the thought it he knew how bad it sounded. He had found her attractive, and he had thought about what it would be like but to actually do it? It was depraved, uncouth, it was inexcusable, how could he have... He looked down at himself, she had put up a fight indeed but it amazed him how strong he had felt and there was a slight desire in him to know what it felt like again. Then the nausea overcame him and he crouched retching until he was exhausted and lay on the damp rock nearby, staring at the stars and wondering at their peace. Suddenly, he felt totally drained and slept.
* * * * *
When she first stumbled across his body there was a mixture of fear and anger. She saw the remains of his dinner across the rocks a short way away and she knew he wasn’t sleeping happily. It gave her a petty kind of satisfaction. She chose a rock up wind and watched him until she knew he’d be too cold and painfully stiff, it was then that she woke him. She may have essentially forgiven him but she deserved some satisfaction, no matter how immature.
* * * * *
He jumped when she yelled, his body reacting harshly to the interruption of sleep. Damn his head hurt. Looking at her he fell in love, her hair was draped about her face, covering one eye, her lips pouted naturally and there were glints along the chains that she wore as jewelry. But her eyes killed his wonderment. She didn’t hate him but he could see that the moment of his betrayal was to always stand between them. To be honest, he expected nothing less.
* * * * * *
Later
Walking over to the dark red drapes she pulled them shut. It was a wonderful night, bright stars and a full moon but these house people were so caught up in themselves they could hardly see the beauty. She turned as one of them spoke,
"It must be an absolute pain to keep your slaves, I personally accept nothing but the finest trained older slaves, less spirit you see, always better."
"Ah yes, but not so pleasant on the eyes one supposes. I always find it hard to break the old ones of their habits too. It really is astonishing how daft they can be. Reaffirms my standing on the issue of intelligence it does. Too much sun and menial labour is bad for the intellect."
There was a slight erruption of laughter, and she scowled, moving to the next curtain, she didn't want to hear this but couldn't block it out,
"Oh but Dennis, we all know of your standing on 'labour'... " He turned to the rest of the table "You would see taking a walk about the manor as being 'excessive', why! I even believe I have heard tales of your refusing to take more than two visits a day for it shall 'Interrupt with your schedule, putting to much into the body and not enough into the mind'"
"Well, we only need look about us to understand that the body and mind have such a delicate balance, never in all my days have I seen an active boy with an ounce of intellect."
There was a humourded outcry at that,
"Why, Uncle Dennis! Are you saying that none here are intelligent? For I assure you, each played his part in the games and hunts, surely you don't mean it..."
It was pathetic really, she thought as she moved about, a whole room of men was no different wherever you went. She wondered if it was a gender thing.
* * * *
More years later on one of Serus's ships:-
It was stupid, she knew it was stupid but his arms were around her and his breath so warm on her neck. She could feel the heat of him so close and the way she was responding, she didn’t want to stop. Knowing how she’d feel on the dawn she held his face up, looking into his eyes,
“This is stupid” She told Serus, then she kissed him.
* * * * * *
She sat on the edge of her bunk, sheets wrapped around her crazily. She couldn’t believe that she’d just done that, that she’d... Her head fell into her hands and she stared in amazement at the floor. But it had been good, she couldn’t deny it, it had felt... good. Not wonderful or amazing but, good. Smiling to herself she lay back on the bed and curled up, his smell clung to her hair and skin and she knew it would not take long for Ahnina to notice and realize what had happened.
She almost regretted it.
* * * * * *