*breath*
Ok, I skimmed what you wrote, like, skimmed in all it's skimmy glory so I have a vauge idea but not more about what you wrote...

Kevin came over today for like, the first time in over a year and I can't believe how nervous and edgy I was, it was so weird and weird and yeah, weird. I was pottering in my garden and tense and unsure and, and I can't help but know why without knowing why and it was like it was dangerous or something. I know some of it was because of Brett. He's so... 'mine' and wary and selfish and I don't blame him or hurt about it but this nervousness, like I'm unsure what I'm to be and if it's too close and I fight with him about it alot and it doesn't fix it and I don't even know what it is and we have talked more reasonably about it and are trying to figure it out but grr and ei! and hmnph and *sigh*.

sigh

You commented about me messed up, it's only been now that I'm starting to work myself out. I used you in a way, I'm so terribly sorry but not sorry because I used your peopleness to integrate myself back into peopleness and... 'life'. I don't like the using quality of it but I had no other real way but to find you and then people through you.... forgive me?

I don't know what I'm doing with life. At all. I have my garden, I have my stuff but I want to be closer to the dreams that were mine and then mine and everyone elses and I'm totally being unable to miss the fact that I am not a one and only type of person no matter what Brett wants or what I thought I wanted. I know I worked it like that but I still denied it for a while. I miss you Nicole.

I miss dancing with you... with anyone! There is a little very reluctant dancing with Brett but I want to dance with people who want to dance and I know that dancing with anyone for me enters a relm of wayyyy too close if I'm doing the one and only thing... *sob*

Sometimes I feel like a bird that loves it's owner, it's cage, it's life there but still looks at the sky with yearning. I know if I flew away, even for a moment I'd loose my little cage and everything and I don't want to do that, the other reason I left B the first time... a taste of freedom just like I knew when I went back with him I'd loose freedom.... but... dancing, singing, holding, laughing... all these things with those I love... they're.... so far away, so... gone.

I heard a snippet of Brad's singing, I kept listening to it and didn't know why until later when it hit me how much I missed singing with you, no matter how messed up my voice is. How cool it would be to sing with a male who could carry a tune... how amazing to write music with other people as well as our own.

Off topic - if I got married I'd consider taking the 'public' name of Jessica. I'd be me (ie:Moana) to my friends, family and the people of my past. Secret identity kinda thing only different. I guess because I have so many identities to begin with, chinese names, legal names, habitual names... Or maybe just to see what will change if anything. To experiment with the way people see me.

I wish we could have our two big houses near each other, cats and everything. Your house of writing, mine of drawing, big gardens and did I mention cats?
Magic and festivals, bonfires and cool music...

Oh Gods, I didn't realise how much I really did feel like that bird, loved, loving and caught.

M

Ps, I really do love and miss you.