Missing You
I don't know what to do. I'm just missing you so much right now and I don't know why.

It's crazy. For a while now, I've been feeling that we've been going through crazy, desperate miss each other times at different times. I don't even think that at the moment, this mood I'm in will effect you at all. Unless you come here way later in the hope of curing your missing me somewhere down the track; which most of the time is my reason for visiting this site. No such luck for me this time though. You haven't posted anything since the last time so I'm just going to babble.

It's funny, I think that it was reading that poem that I rated of yours that set this off. It wouldn't be the first time. It's sort of like I read your stuff and then travel into your world and I'm all angsty for it. Not complaining, just noting. It might very well not be the case as well.

Also missing the Secret Texts. Another thing that is full of you-ness and then I decided to play and start listening to Enya's 'Shepard Moon'. *sigh*

So I'm missing you. Kinda almost made up a song to the music of track 9 while I was sitting in a little tree forest area. It was nice and all you like too. I could feel you there. It was 4am for you and I could feel you there. I could feel the warmth of your body against the side of mine as you came to me from behind. I felt your breath against my neck and closed my eyes and leaned into you, only you were not there. Didn't matter. I illusioned to myself while hiding in the blanket that Enya music creates of times long past, shoved back into the present where I want them to be.

You know how crazy this is making me? I'm missing you when I'm not even missing my own mother! I'm sitting here and thinking 'god, when I go back to Australia, it's going to be hell if I come to miss my friends and family from over here, because most likely I won't get to see them again' and then I think 'but if I'm not missing my own mum, what are the chances of missing others from here' and then I'm thinking 'oh great, so I only miss people if that 'people' is moana'. It's horrid the way that I feel that only when I have you there physically in my life, in touching and talking and walking distance, that I'm not going to be feeling this lonely missing feeling.

And it's great too. That I can feel that.

And horrid that I can't share that with you.

And what are we going to do when I get back?

Things aren't going to change. I know that. I'm changing myself and had this big conversation with you know those sorts of people that you meet and know you will only have one big conversation with, but that conversation helps to put everything back into their tidy boxes to be looked at later? Well, while walking around the streets of Cork last night, I had one of those conversations. It was with this guy called Robert, 34/5 years old. He's Australian, wouldn't you know it? Yeah, that's what I thought too.

It was weird because we were just walking and he came out and said in this tone of perplexedness, as though he'd been looking but couldn't understand what he was seeing 'Do you know what an old soul you are?'

I laughed. How could I not? How many times have I/you/we been told that in the past. So of course I told him I had some idea of it. And he just went silent for a while. Then he's like 'So why are you pining so much?' As if old souls should know better or something! *grins* But it wasn't like that really I guess. I'm just laughing it up now I think.

I denied 'pining' of any sort of course. He told me flat out that I was lying. That was sort of surprising. I didn't answer. But then he somehow got me out and talking. Well, babbling really. And talking all about you and how I miss you and how I... just everything. Let me think. There was a lot of babbling you have to keep in mind. But through it all, he didn't judge. Didn't add anything. Just kept on asking question after question and was all like 'don't lie, you know the answer' whenever I tried to squirm out.

I already knew most of it. Everything I said to him I had already said to you. There was Brett stuff as well. I think the most intense question he asked was who do I want to change? I answered that it was more 'what' did I want to change. He said no. Very definitely 'who'.

I said Brett. That I wanted him to see somehow differently. Realise that he was clinging to something that he had straight out defined in his own mind and didn't want to change now, regardless of what it really looked like. That he didn't want what he had. That he was wrong. That he had gone in too far, too fast, too firmly and without ever stopping to even think of looking back ever. That all of these things were real and things that have to be dealt with only he doesn't deal with things in the same way that we would and he shouldn't and never has and never will because he's Brett and just... and I don't know I don't know I don't know!!!

I don't know.

Brett is just Brett. I know that. Brett is everything he says he is and everything he doesn't say. You've got to take that in stride with knowing him I suppose. Like you have probably. You're not just you. I don't know how to define you anymore. While that might sound like a bad thing, it's not. That's the reason I keep on coming back to you. You're not you. You've never been just 'you'. But you're you enough for me to keep coming back to and you enough to change into someone that I want to keep coming back to get to know time and time again. I feel like I'm missing out. Everyone else is just who they are. So why miss what I already know?

So I think. I don't know where that leaves me. I don't know where that leaves you. Unmoving I should think. Back in the same place as you were in the start. This has probably succeeded in making you clearer about why you should stay with Brett. I don't know why, but these things that I share with you always seem to have that way of ending out. Which I guess is good if it keeps you out of the angst. And I've gotten the overloaded stuff off my chest as well as writing to you that stuff that I had said about you and Brett that I had not said to you first and I think it's weird because that kind of puts a new slant on things. I have never thought of Brett changing before. It's always been a you or me thing and now I just don't know where I am going with this.

Hmm, this is long now. Well, if you are missing me as well the next time that you read this, you will have just had a lot of stuff to read and remind you of why it is probably best that we are not too close together now. Isn't that right???