It's been a while

so I haven't been here much... or at all

I'm not really here actually, just filling in some time I should be working or eating with typing that no one will see... pointless isn't it?

I'll edit Elyniah soon enough, just let me get things in order.

love.

holes
I figured part of this mess out. We have so many scraps of information floating about that we don't keep track of that although we've branched out we don't know it so we stick with what we have therefore denying what we gained and all bad.

My note books are scattered with both of our notes, e-mails, blogs, so many places where we ferret them away and they get forgotten almost.

Christophius. We have a series of conversations where he is Elynian, where we were there and all that. True...? False...? another episode of post-apocolyptic earth?

dlkfh
I miss you. I know I said that in my e-mails but reading this I'm remembering what it's like to write with you in the country, let alone with you in the room... I miss that.

Should there be another seperate list for danae's characters? I'm amazed at how much there is to write for both of these stories, we have a skeleton and a little bit of fleshing out but there is so much to go! This better not get in the way of my course again. I like Elyniah, there's no need for her to cause trouble.

I wonder when I'll get the right amount of time to do Elyniah. ?? *sigh* I sometimes wish I could be one of those stay still focus on one task people (sometimes) I haven't traveled yet... why? because I won't want to stop... is that a bad thing? right now yes. I caught the bug before I even left australian soil but I'm still here... why? something called a... what was it? oh, yeah, that pesky thing called a life. I think. Was it a life or the hope of a life? I don't know.

I think I know what I want. but then, when have I ever 'known' maybe I just have to live by the slight grip on sanity I always have... was that a bad life? I met eveything I loved in that state... in this attempt to be truely sane all I've done is figure out just what ick means.

I'm going now.

love.

complaining.
long time since I wrote. not sure what to write, the prospect of typing for *g* knows how long until I can get a gallery thing set up is not inspiring... I may stick with the j'niah account for that and link it to the normal site.

eww.

Brett isn't coping with a single day of heat, he's terrible to live with when it's sunny... what do I do? Do I walk away from the easier, workable life to be nicer to his climate needs? Do I choose to wade unsuccessfully through melbournes horrid artistic sub culture of 'cool' people and 'confident, interpretive high profile buracratic mush'? Melbourne is all about anonymity or highly social, mixed media, fine art rubbish. *breath* What do I do? He says maybe but he's hell to be around when it's hot, whiny and pouty and complaining and I can't stand it. It's like being around myself.

I hate myself in some sides.... oh what to do.

Melbourne sucks.

*breath*
Ok, I skimmed what you wrote, like, skimmed in all it's skimmy glory so I have a vauge idea but not more about what you wrote...

Kevin came over today for like, the first time in over a year and I can't believe how nervous and edgy I was, it was so weird and weird and yeah, weird. I was pottering in my garden and tense and unsure and, and I can't help but know why without knowing why and it was like it was dangerous or something. I know some of it was because of Brett. He's so... 'mine' and wary and selfish and I don't blame him or hurt about it but this nervousness, like I'm unsure what I'm to be and if it's too close and I fight with him about it alot and it doesn't fix it and I don't even know what it is and we have talked more reasonably about it and are trying to figure it out but grr and ei! and hmnph and *sigh*.

sigh

You commented about me messed up, it's only been now that I'm starting to work myself out. I used you in a way, I'm so terribly sorry but not sorry because I used your peopleness to integrate myself back into peopleness and... 'life'. I don't like the using quality of it but I had no other real way but to find you and then people through you.... forgive me?

I don't know what I'm doing with life. At all. I have my garden, I have my stuff but I want to be closer to the dreams that were mine and then mine and everyone elses and I'm totally being unable to miss the fact that I am not a one and only type of person no matter what Brett wants or what I thought I wanted. I know I worked it like that but I still denied it for a while. I miss you Nicole.

I miss dancing with you... with anyone! There is a little very reluctant dancing with Brett but I want to dance with people who want to dance and I know that dancing with anyone for me enters a relm of wayyyy too close if I'm doing the one and only thing... *sob*

Sometimes I feel like a bird that loves it's owner, it's cage, it's life there but still looks at the sky with yearning. I know if I flew away, even for a moment I'd loose my little cage and everything and I don't want to do that, the other reason I left B the first time... a taste of freedom just like I knew when I went back with him I'd loose freedom.... but... dancing, singing, holding, laughing... all these things with those I love... they're.... so far away, so... gone.

I heard a snippet of Brad's singing, I kept listening to it and didn't know why until later when it hit me how much I missed singing with you, no matter how messed up my voice is. How cool it would be to sing with a male who could carry a tune... how amazing to write music with other people as well as our own.

Off topic - if I got married I'd consider taking the 'public' name of Jessica. I'd be me (ie:Moana) to my friends, family and the people of my past. Secret identity kinda thing only different. I guess because I have so many identities to begin with, chinese names, legal names, habitual names... Or maybe just to see what will change if anything. To experiment with the way people see me.

I wish we could have our two big houses near each other, cats and everything. Your house of writing, mine of drawing, big gardens and did I mention cats?
Magic and festivals, bonfires and cool music...

Oh Gods, I didn't realise how much I really did feel like that bird, loved, loving and caught.

M

Ps, I really do love and miss you.

Missing You
I don't know what to do. I'm just missing you so much right now and I don't know why.

It's crazy. For a while now, I've been feeling that we've been going through crazy, desperate miss each other times at different times. I don't even think that at the moment, this mood I'm in will effect you at all. Unless you come here way later in the hope of curing your missing me somewhere down the track; which most of the time is my reason for visiting this site. No such luck for me this time though. You haven't posted anything since the last time so I'm just going to babble.

It's funny, I think that it was reading that poem that I rated of yours that set this off. It wouldn't be the first time. It's sort of like I read your stuff and then travel into your world and I'm all angsty for it. Not complaining, just noting. It might very well not be the case as well.

Also missing the Secret Texts. Another thing that is full of you-ness and then I decided to play and start listening to Enya's 'Shepard Moon'. *sigh*

So I'm missing you. Kinda almost made up a song to the music of track 9 while I was sitting in a little tree forest area. It was nice and all you like too. I could feel you there. It was 4am for you and I could feel you there. I could feel the warmth of your body against the side of mine as you came to me from behind. I felt your breath against my neck and closed my eyes and leaned into you, only you were not there. Didn't matter. I illusioned to myself while hiding in the blanket that Enya music creates of times long past, shoved back into the present where I want them to be.

You know how crazy this is making me? I'm missing you when I'm not even missing my own mother! I'm sitting here and thinking 'god, when I go back to Australia, it's going to be hell if I come to miss my friends and family from over here, because most likely I won't get to see them again' and then I think 'but if I'm not missing my own mum, what are the chances of missing others from here' and then I'm thinking 'oh great, so I only miss people if that 'people' is moana'. It's horrid the way that I feel that only when I have you there physically in my life, in touching and talking and walking distance, that I'm not going to be feeling this lonely missing feeling.

And it's great too. That I can feel that.

And horrid that I can't share that with you.

And what are we going to do when I get back?

Things aren't going to change. I know that. I'm changing myself and had this big conversation with you know those sorts of people that you meet and know you will only have one big conversation with, but that conversation helps to put everything back into their tidy boxes to be looked at later? Well, while walking around the streets of Cork last night, I had one of those conversations. It was with this guy called Robert, 34/5 years old. He's Australian, wouldn't you know it? Yeah, that's what I thought too.

It was weird because we were just walking and he came out and said in this tone of perplexedness, as though he'd been looking but couldn't understand what he was seeing 'Do you know what an old soul you are?'

I laughed. How could I not? How many times have I/you/we been told that in the past. So of course I told him I had some idea of it. And he just went silent for a while. Then he's like 'So why are you pining so much?' As if old souls should know better or something! *grins* But it wasn't like that really I guess. I'm just laughing it up now I think.

I denied 'pining' of any sort of course. He told me flat out that I was lying. That was sort of surprising. I didn't answer. But then he somehow got me out and talking. Well, babbling really. And talking all about you and how I miss you and how I... just everything. Let me think. There was a lot of babbling you have to keep in mind. But through it all, he didn't judge. Didn't add anything. Just kept on asking question after question and was all like 'don't lie, you know the answer' whenever I tried to squirm out.

I already knew most of it. Everything I said to him I had already said to you. There was Brett stuff as well. I think the most intense question he asked was who do I want to change? I answered that it was more 'what' did I want to change. He said no. Very definitely 'who'.

I said Brett. That I wanted him to see somehow differently. Realise that he was clinging to something that he had straight out defined in his own mind and didn't want to change now, regardless of what it really looked like. That he didn't want what he had. That he was wrong. That he had gone in too far, too fast, too firmly and without ever stopping to even think of looking back ever. That all of these things were real and things that have to be dealt with only he doesn't deal with things in the same way that we would and he shouldn't and never has and never will because he's Brett and just... and I don't know I don't know I don't know!!!

I don't know.

Brett is just Brett. I know that. Brett is everything he says he is and everything he doesn't say. You've got to take that in stride with knowing him I suppose. Like you have probably. You're not just you. I don't know how to define you anymore. While that might sound like a bad thing, it's not. That's the reason I keep on coming back to you. You're not you. You've never been just 'you'. But you're you enough for me to keep coming back to and you enough to change into someone that I want to keep coming back to get to know time and time again. I feel like I'm missing out. Everyone else is just who they are. So why miss what I already know?

So I think. I don't know where that leaves me. I don't know where that leaves you. Unmoving I should think. Back in the same place as you were in the start. This has probably succeeded in making you clearer about why you should stay with Brett. I don't know why, but these things that I share with you always seem to have that way of ending out. Which I guess is good if it keeps you out of the angst. And I've gotten the overloaded stuff off my chest as well as writing to you that stuff that I had said about you and Brett that I had not said to you first and I think it's weird because that kind of puts a new slant on things. I have never thought of Brett changing before. It's always been a you or me thing and now I just don't know where I am going with this.

Hmm, this is long now. Well, if you are missing me as well the next time that you read this, you will have just had a lot of stuff to read and remind you of why it is probably best that we are not too close together now. Isn't that right???

Insane
You. Are. Insane.

But I agree with you kinda... maybe not in the squee type hype you were in but enough to go along with it.

First, if you want to know about Christoph. I can answer. He's the second son of a lord ergo it's the military or naught unless his brother (who is also in the forces) dies. Now, Chr. isn't from the Third House but he knows/is friends with members of the third house. His family seems more of a neutral maybe second house if anything, perhaps first house but left under evil V guys rule. That sounds righter - they are originally from the First house but Chr. and his father turned. (I may mention that the elder son did not, would exlpain the ick-ness between them) they would now be house-less but they have enough men and land to protect their own and their father is old enough for the leaders to ignore him until he dies, they have the inheritor, it doesn't matter what the fuddy duddy does (kinda, simplifying it muchly).

Remember how we mentioned the mercenary type occupation that Mikael took up for a while? Perhaps this is where it shows up... no... but! oooo,

The year before this:

"Mikael is sent to investigate claims of religious activity emerging once again. There is a leak within the clerical quarters. As this is found out by the clerics, search for the prophesised one is suspended as it is much more important to ensure that the safety of this information is retained above all else."

The set scene for the encounter? the year in question on the time line is:

Year 032 – The leak is found and dealt with by the clerics before Mikael could find any more on the trail, and this is what he reports to Aris and the First House before asking if there is anymore that can be done by him. For the time being, he is told no, and goes back to enjoying Araliah.

Perhaps Mikaels searches come up against more force than anticipated during the year? A battle... From what I can glean of the situation and what instinct is telling me Chr. and M begin on opposite sides.. or so they think, it seems the battle is a three-way only no one is really aware of that. Each is fighting for a different reason but M's and Chr.'s sides seem to be fairly the same so they end up victorious. But that seems to be the end of what I can see of any interaction between them.

As for our part it seems that it is after. This is fairly early in Chr's life and we were in the 'been there done that' part, not the serious yet bright eyed sword ready killkill stage. Chr. is aware of the position of his world yet still full of youth, Mikael is logical and distant but they still have a mid-battle rapport. Chr. is a new, young, field promotion Captain, Mikael an experienced Second... he's really quite higher in rank.

I also get the cat thing... but enough for now...

later,

M

Dreaming Elyniah
I've been reading this book - 'Moondial' but Helen Cresswell and for some reason, your drawing of the little girl in front of the fountain keeps springing to mind. Now it just won't go away, so I write to you.

Forgive me if we have been through this before, but I don't think I have so... suppose that week we spent with Christophuis (sp) was in Elyniah. The girl, Elyniahn. The hall; us... that picture you drew of him, what was his tunic like again? In my mind, I see it of a similar brand to that of Mikael's and having written that, I immediately see a story unfurling, so bear with me as my heartrate picks up and I write some more...

8:45pm/5:45am -
- There is a battle. The attack force that Mikael heads with is not enough on its own. They are First House. Could it be possible that Christoph is a part of the Third House forces? If so, this could mean the first of Mikael's interaction with this house, and that would place him at... around 24 years of age?

- questions: what is this battle/Where/Why?
- What is Mikael stationsed as? Second in command?
- What of Christoph? Just above 'grunt' equivelent?
- Why do the two come into interaction?
- Squeeee!!! We had contact with one who had contact with Mikael!!!!
- When did our 'episode' take place in all of this? After?
- Mikael was at an emotionless period, possibly due to newness of rank.
- Both were newly promoted to the positions they were each at.
- Christpoh was far more carefree than when we met him.


Also, all this talk about cats had brought me 'memories' of a cat that Mikael, Eshu and Brydn hid away in their dormroom somewhere around 4th year. It is a sort of familiar to them, especially Mikael and Eshu. They are ratted out on and just when they are about to be caught out with an animal hidden with them, it disappears, and doesn't come back.

It is only about 20ish years later, when Danae is romping around fields that a strangely familiar cat comes towards her, well aged by now and seeming almost to know her. When Mikael sees it, he can hardly believe his instinct telling him that it is the same cat come to impart some more needed wisdom in the familiar's way.

I think that there is another couple of times this cat appears between the two pinpointed times. Once for Mikael and once for Eshu at about the 10 year after schooling point... dunno.

What do you think?

Warned
Well, I did warn you that there was going to be a lot and to brace yourself. I know you took me seriously even with the surprise, so I don't get the surprise. Ah well, thought it couldn't help to let you know your writing.com account is upgraded for you now for whenever you next get online. Yeah. Congrats! Thought you might like it. Could see you on the console sometimes. Laterz,

Love

ei ei ei
Well now, we have more pictures up finally, our slave, Danae-ness, etc... the danae picture page is huge but oh well, I think I'll get them thumbnail-ed and linked to their own pages... later... sigh, so much to upload, so little time...