Who shall be the hero, then?
Not I.
Today, while working at the hospital, I had a "cart job". I love cart jobs. A cart job consists of locating the cart and bringing it to a different area to a smiling nurse. There is something undeniably cool-sounding about an adult saying to me, "Hey, Central Supply has a cart for you to take up..." When it happened today, I practically sang in my excitement. No patients ever appear in cart jobs, and I don't need to carry that Godless plastic glove. In a five-minute job where I bring lab specimens from one place to another, my hand will generate 44.0mL of sweat from wearing the Godless plastic glove. But I don't need the Godless plastic glove for a cart job. The only drawback is that I can't sit on the cart in an elevator.
For this particular cart job, the cart's destination was the Labor and Delivery wing. This is on the third floor, where there is relatively little action. The Labor and Delivery wing is a high-security area that requires permission to enter. I pressed the little doorbell, and after a few seconds, it flashed green, indicating that I could enter. I opened the door and wheeled in my cart backwards; sometimes maneuvering carts is difficult. But as I backed in, a smiling white middle-aged man of medium build, height, and weight walked in with me. The moment's potence did not lose itself upon me. I smiled back, but suddenly the feeling of onus washed over me. Hospital drama style. Innocent, non-descript guy enters ward without permission, taking advantage of Asian kid. It's too perfect. I could imagine myself being interrogated after someone committed a felony in the Labor and Delivery wing. I would have to give testimony... and then implicate this man. And I let him in.
It was slightly before I let "Alan York" into the Labor and Delivery area, while I was tapdancing along, rolling my cart, that it occurred to me how bad of a protagonist I would make in a book or movie. Not that I wouldn't be a likable character. I think of myself as a likable character. In fact, I think I'd make a great flat side character, a great foil to a deeper protagonist. I would be the effervescent, smiling best friend, or the sporadic Cosmo Kramer type character, but with less cigars. But ... not the hero.
A hero has to have a flaw, adn I won't pretend that I lack those in abundance. However, a good protagonist's flaws should be apparent, tragic, fixable. My flaws are more like procrastination: No one cares if I do it except for me and my parents. I have a host of these rather irritating, petty habits. None of which should be found in an intersting character. For instance, if my flaw were that I were too kind or compassionate, then I would be like Harry Potter, which would make me a good protagonist. Instead, I have more of a general "suck at life" way about things. As I contemplated this, I realized that if I sucked any more than I currently do, that I'd be a twenty-first century Holden Caulfield.
On a related note, I'm not deep enough to be an interesting protagonist. Sure, certain good characters don't require a lot of depth; Jack Bauer appears exactly how he is, but those characters are Jack Bauer. I'd never compare myself to Jack Bauer. Anyway, the way that I lack in considerable depth again makes me more of a support character. I lack the complexity of a main character; people don't want to probe the deep aspects of my persona because there really isn't that much on which people can focus. John Proctor, a good protagonist, demonstrates internal struggle, character development, and a strong sense of justice that cannot manifest itself due to Proctor's sin and self-loathing. History and literature smile upon John Proctor as a result of this awesomeness. Personally, I'm more of the always optimistic, whining breed.
Thirdly, I'm not with the times that the media likes. The media and books haven't quite caught up to the life of the internet junkey or the gamer. Rare is it that a dynamic character walks home from school to go on-line and vote in an on-line contest featuring video games and their characters. There is also a huge void in terms of protagonists whose activities include chatting and playing Gamecube with friends. It's just... not done. Personally, I'm all for pioneering; I'd gladly be the first such main character in a best-seller or a blockbuster.Somehow, though, I can't imagine too many publishers or producers willing to take such a script... or too many people willing to pay to see or read about me.
Finally, I lack the motivationt o be teh star of the show. I am a lazy bastard or punk bitch, if you swing it that way. Good main characters have a drive, focus, purpose. Neo, from The Matrix, knos that he must play the role of The One, and he liberates humans from the machines of Zion. Exciting. Unfortunately, such a purpose eludes me and has eluded me for sixteen years, though a still hope for an epiphany. I can imagine it poignantly: While Mike Ryan and Grant keep the majority of Economics in high risibility, I sink into a stupor... and suddenly, a Messenger appears before me, possibly in the form of Donaldson, and tells me that unelss I learn to drive in thirty days, the Godless right-wingers who run FOX will cancel 24. The relationship between the two is unclear, but what I need to do is obvious. Suddenly, I am the hero of just such a mission: To save America from bad television.
Unfortunately, it has been two months since 24 has started owning my soul, and no such apparition has occurred to me, so I don't think it'll happen soon. As a result, I don't have a well defined niche in film or literature. I was thinking, after letting the smiling guy into Labor and Delivery, about the chaos that would ensue if working at the hospital suddenly became a drama. Then I could be a star! But then I imagined the actual situation: "Hey, Central Supply has a cart for you... but they've put in place a new regulation - those who handle carts must wear Godless plastic gloves!!" Then I decided that it might not be such a good idea to turn hospital work into a drama.
To clarify: This rant contains no self-hate. You and I still know that I'm the number one leetest kib on the internet. I just accept that if Britain needs a new James Bond in ten years, I might not be their first choice, or indeed the first choice's accountant. However, I would be totally willing to accept a role as Jack Bauer's friend: smiling, somewhat witty, Asian, dead by the second episode. That woudl be my type of role.
That's all I have to say.
SD
Mar. 5, '06
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