Head Thoughts

What it is

I started doing this (holding my thoughts inside, only writing them down) many years ago.  I was young and life had a lot to offer me, I would find out later, most of it would damage me and make me angry.  So many things were happening day-to-day, I thought I would write it down, if anything it was better than talking to some prick who didn’t really give a damn.

So this is my place, no one can tell me what to do here or what to say.  This is a place for me to offload and talk crap or write when I’m in my screwed up state of mind.  If you are visiting, it is most likely because I think you are an important part of my life right now and have asked you to take a look, If you happened here by chance or by searching then you must really be bored have nothing better to do, (Go get involved in something or talk to someone)

Since you are here anyway, If you can take something away from what is here, then that is great. If you don't particularly like it, I could care less. So don't bother sending e-mail and telling me you hate it or I’m crazy. ( things I already know)

Melbourne, Australia:

Walking to the store the first thing that hits me as I go out into the light is the smell.  It stinks around here.  I walk down my street and watch the punks watch me.  I have to look right at them.  I can’t help it.  They piss me off when they stare.  I turn onto the main street past the family planning center.  A worn out street dude looks at me and waves and nods his head like he knows me, that always leads to a hit –up for some change.  I keep walking.  There’s bums and garbage all over the place.

Sydney, Australia:

Last night I was held up under the bridge in old Sydney town, there were three average punks with a knife, If there was only one I would have destroyed him.  They kicked me to the ground, all I had was 30 bucks.  In the scuffle I felt the knife go into my arm.  It still hurts.  I don’t know why I come to this place.  I fucking hate it here.  I want to scream and get away.

Back in my hotel room it’s cold and it’s raining outside.  The last few days have been hard.  I wonder if the rest of my life will be like this.

Melbourne, Australia:

I’m enraged most of the time now, things feel new in a strange way.  Kelly-Anne has been all I think about these days. She’s been dead for a few months.  All I do is stare at the ceiling when I’m in bed.  Inside I’m screaming.  No one will hear me, when I talk to people they will not see the difference when I look at them.  Perhaps something strange or unsettling in my eyes will give me away, other than that, it’s all in my head.  Sometimes I call her phone number just to hear the sounds the phone makes when it rings.  I know she’s not there. 

Escaping

I escaped to another country this year.  Maybe I will be able to forget and start over, maybe all the crap will follow me and be with me forever.

It’s ok here in LA.  The people are not nice.  It’s hot all the time.  I know a girl here.  She’s the nicest person I have met my entire life, It’s strange that she is from this hell.  I would never let her into my thoughts of anger and depression.  She fights her own battles within.

Los Angeles, California:

At my job, I feel like a fucking robot.  I can’t believe I have stuck with it so long.  It’s the stupidest thing you can think of to do with your time.  Get up, get dressed and go there to take it from a bunch of assholes.  Go back home and get ready to do it all over again the next day.  They are all a bunch of predictable mean-assed pricks, just like all the others.  Don’t get all bummed out with this.  I am where I should be.  It was coming to this.  It was just a matter of time.

Los Angeles, California:

It’s the mother of all weekends; I have been up for the last 30 hours.  It’s deadly quiet in here right now, not the best thing for a troubled mind.  I wanted to note some things down tonight.

There’s a few things I wanted to tell you, all those times, I wanted to thank you profusely for being available, I have a great time talking to you (I know you will not take this the wrong way, it’s just the truth that’s all) I am hugely moved by your concern for my mental state.  I know perfectly well, without you I have no hope of getting through some of my days.  To talk during the times we do and to see you is incredibly inspiring and gratifying and there is no possible way I will ever be able to thank you enough.

With things being the way they are right now in my life, it’s not easy being at work everyday is not easy no matter what anyone says.  There’s a lot of distressing, depressing, infuriating and frustrating information to deal with daily, and it keeps on coming.  But in spite of it all, somehow people keep jamming and are able to carry on.  I mention this because the thing that has kept my spirits up at work during this time is hearing from you, even briefly, although I can’t deny a little pill help

My only regret is that we didn’t cross paths at a different time in our lives, when we might have been able to become close friends.  I think it would have been incredible to have been able to hang out and have you there to tell my thoughts to and get through the good times and bad.

I walked out on Friday after work and got into the car and my heart sank.  I was terrified about how I would face this weekend and the following days with no one but myself and my thoughts.  I don’t even remember the car ride back here.  The last two days have been a blur of cleaning, assorted work and short periods of sleep.  I have to keep doing something, keep busy until I pass out or get so tired I fall asleep the instant I lay down.  Then there are the dreams.

Last night I dreamt again about my friend who is dead, It’s been a long time now, but still not many days can pass without me thinking about it.  In my dreams we are walking down an old dirty alley into an old warehouse with only a bed, where she lays, and beside her a large cardboard box, put aside for her.  It’s quiet and I am stunned as she turns her head and opens her eyes, telling me she’s not dead.  I woke in fright; sometimes I feel the tears on my cheek.  I miss my friend.

Maybe during the next 7 days I will be able to think about what the fuck is wrong with me and why I still feel like this.  Am I crazy, depressed,is it all self-inflicted, do I sabotage my feeling good on purpose? or am I just lonely and burnt out?  Maybe I’m just tired of the human experience in general.

I would never wish any of my thoughts on anyone, to you my friend. :

Live long and strong

Alterego_33@lycos.com.