PEACE CAMPAIGNERS MEETING ENDS IN VIOLENCE
The first bi-monthly meeting of the Bute Coalition for Peace Not War ended in a full-scale brawl last week, after a heated debate over a logo erupted into a physical confrontation.
It is believed that the trouble began after the Chairperson of the Coalition, Mr. Walter Bunns, suggested that the symbol of peace should be the rose. According to reports, Mr. Jason Sturdy took exception to this, and is believed to have called that suggestion "poof-worthy," later asserting that the lily should be the symbol of Bute's token opposition to military action. Although renowned for his pacifism, Mr. Bunns is also known for his homophobia, and as a result took great exception to Mr. Sturdy implying that his idea was "poof-worthy." According to one onlooker - who did not wish to be named, but did tell us that he has size 8 feet and once slept with someone who "looked a little bit like Catherine Zeta Jones- Douglas" - around 6 peace campaigners "could not keep the two bastards apart, it was like Mike f**king Tyson Vs Lennox Lewis." The police were called, arrived on the scene in just 19 minutes (their fastest response this year) and attempted to put an end to the violence. Unfortunately, Officer Constable is well known on Bute for his lack of tact, and, by describing the meeting as "a futile attempt to make your voice heard, even though no-one's listening," only served to make the situation worse. Speaking from his hospital bed, Officer Constable said "I am a moron, where's my donut?"
The violence ended around 6.30pm, six hours into the meeting, when Councillor Biggins was heard to scream "WHAT ABOUT THE TULIP?" Upon which both Mr. Bunns and Mr. Sturdy paused, looked at each other, and nodded their heads. Both men instructed the factions that had grown up around them to go back to their seats and "vote tulip." The final count was two dead, four hospitalised and a bill for roughly £6000 to repair damage caused to the church hall. As a result of this bill, Mr. Bunns would like to inform all members of the coalition that the planned "March for Peace" into the town square has had to be abandoned, as there is no money to pay for the marching permit. Further proof that violence solves nothing.
LOCAL DOG IS RACIST
Bute was shocked today, when it was discovered that a local dog (pictured, right) is a vicious racist. "I just couldn't believe it," said the dog's owner, Mr. Ray Cist, "he's always been fairly well behaved around 'them' in the past, but recently its been like he joined the BNP or something." According to Dr. Jack Russell, canine behaviourist, it is not uncommon for dogs to develop a deep hatred of ethnic minorities. "It stems back to childhood," says Dr. Russell, "we give our pets names with obvious racial connotations, and expect them to not be affected by it. But I'll tell you this - PETS ARE RACIST."
The turning point, when this dog began down the steep decline toward racism,came when he watched a TV documentary about the rise of Fascism in the 1930s. Mr. Cist continues the story: "he was captivated by it, every time the Fuhrer spoke it was like he was speaking directly to my dog. I've heard theories in the past about our beloved Fuhrer being such a gifted orator because he spoke in ultra-sonic frequencies....i just never would have guessed that he was speaking to my dog." After watching the documentary, presented by Bernard Manning, the dog is reported to have demanded his name be changed. "I'd always called him Patch," says Ray, "but he must have thought that name implied that there was some black in him. He demanded I change his name to Whitey." Whitey, as he is now known, has recently been seen hanging around outside the local Chinese takeaway, barking loudly whenever one of the proprieters attempts to leave the premises, but going up to the (predominantly white) clientele looking for table scraps. It is not known how many dogs on the island have joined Whitey, but conservative estimates range between 50 and 100 racist dogs. Ray Cist says "I can't believe it, its fantastic...I mean....its terrible. Its not like I changed his name for him, I'm not trying to raise an army of dogs you know." When it was pointed out to Mr. Cist that no-one was accusing him of anything, he replied "thank God for that." Mr. Cist would like to point out that he is not a Nazi, and has only ever been to 15 BNP meetings, and only stood for election as a BNP candidate twice.
WAR REMINDS PENSIONER OF WAR
A confused and frightened pensioner turned up at our offices today to tell us how much the war in Iraq reminded him of WWII. Old Jo, the old man who looks like an old woman, said: "What with them bombs and deaths and guns and bullets and screaming and blood I thought I was back on the shores of Falkirk where we landed our boats on D-Day. The only difference, as far as I could tell, was that this war was in a desert, had mass media coverage, was against an enemy that hadn't invaded Poland, had UK soldiers being killed by US forces and was in a hot place. Can I have a bourbon biscuit please?" On receipt of said biscuit, he kindly presented us with a SARS mask and a photo of him holding it.
CAN'T START THE ROCK
Bute's underground rock grapevine was throbbing stiffly last week as rumours began to circulate that forgotten local funk superheroes Chew Ingum would soon be gracing the island with their presence. As close personal enemies of the band, we caught up with lead singer/guitarist Handsome B Wonderful at his majestic caravan home in Wemyss Bay, to ask if the rumours were true or not. Said the most brilliant guy ever to come from these hallowed shores: "Can you dig it brother, OH YEAH, we - the most exultant groove merchants - shall indeed be berthing our cosmic funk orchestra in the pontoons of the place we consider well beneath us, OH YEAH!!! You neanderthals will be compelled to bash in each others heads in the hall of the learned, OH YEAH, when we - the great ones - blow your impressionable minds with our unstoppable funk/rap/pop crossover s**t, OH YEAH!!!" So that's a yes then readers; and they will no doubt be supported by some local wannabe punk acts and some dancers. Get your tickets now as this gig is sure to be missable!
WATER YOU UP TO?
Sporadic violence and vocalised outrage was the scene in Rothesay town centre today as Scottish Water announced their new Anti-Customer Charging Policy. Many new unfair charges have been introduced - including 1p for spending a penny and 2p for a number two - but the charge which appears to have been the root cause of today's trouble, is believed to be £3 per snowflake caught in a mouth. Said one local mother: "This is pure effing mental. Ma weans must ha' caught 'bout a thoosan last year; so dis that mean ah owe them eejits three gran' noo?" We spoke to the chairman of Scottish Water, Greedy McFatcat, who gave us the following response: "Firstly, yes, that wummin would owe £3000...what's her name?" We declined to tell him it was Senga Brady. "We do have to charge these charges owing to the current state of our profits. Did you know we only made £53million last year? That's hardly enought to build an adequate sewage plant these days, y'know, let alone modify some rocks that cause unwelcome waves!" During the interview, Mr McFatcat also went to great pains to stress that the policy is indeed "one hundred percent serious" and that his company are definitely not "just taking the piss".
ROTHESAY RUMOURS
What’s new and what’s true? The news on the grapevine is that Cal Mac charge too much but, unfortunately, this cannot be confirmed or denied. Currently a Return Journey ticket costs An Arm and a Leg and is not available to elderly or disabled passengers. Elderly and disabled passengers can only purchase tickets on the boat and not from the ticket offices. To obtain a ticket they must first go up to the bridge and ask the captain for a secret password, then they must go down to the canteen area and repeat the password to the lady who serves the tea, the tea-lady will then issue them with some money, this money must be exchanged for Cal Mac tokens at the Cal Mac HQ in Gourock and subsequently 2 of these tokens must be given to the purser at the exact moment the vessel passes Toward lighthouse, on the inward part of the journey, otherwise they are thrown overboard. A CalMac spokesman said, "This is ridiculous!" when, disguised as a normal passenger, he was quoted the current price for a book of 10 tickets.
BUTE VOICE IN COUNCIL CABINET
Bute will once again have a voice at the heart of local government, following a gap of more than two years, after one of the island's councillors was discovered trapped in Argyll and Bute Council's cabinet. Bute West member and SSP councillor Gerry Sutcliffe was found by members of the Strategic Policy Committee when the new council met for the first time in Lochgilphead the other day. Speaking on the phone to us, from his house on the hill, Mr Sutcliffe said: "I was lucky they heard me shouting for help. I could have been the Yorkshire Ripper for all they new but thankfully they still opened the door and let me out. It transpired that I had been facing the wrong way round for the whole 2 years I was stuck in there. Boy do I feel like an idiot." Mr Sutcliffe immediately made up for lost time by starting a debate on taxing candidates who stand as Independents in local elections.
LOCAL CADET PASSES OUT IN STYLE An eighteen-year-old local lad called MacArthur MacDonald passed out at Tarking Barracks last Thursday. According to MOD sources he was involved in a military training exercise when one of his colleagues suddenly received a paper cut doing some paperwork. It is believed that young MacArthur fainted immediately at the sight of blood trickling down his friend's finger. Thankfully young MacArthur was quickly revived and has now been promoted to Lance Corporal.
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MISTAKEN IDENTITY
A man was arrested by local police on May 13 after a tip-off that he shares a nickname with Osama Bin Laden. The man, Haj, was later released after having been charged with possession of cannabis.
SPEEDING COMPLAINT
Police received a complaint about a man "speeding off his tits" at the Pavilion disco on Saturday. The man, Haj, was cautioned after having failed to provide police with some for themselves. Again he was charged with possession of cannabis.
YOU SWINE
After invoking an archaic law which forbids anyone from having a pig in their house, local conceptual art troupe Billy Chimp & The Primates performed citizens arrests on all partners of policepersons. The troupe were charged with wasting police time and for possession of cannabis.
BOY KNOCKED DOWN
A 10-year-old boy was knocked down by a passing vehicle in High Street on May 13. He was taken to hospital with a broken finger and left with a broken leg. Later on he was charged with possession of cannabis.
LOCAL ARTISTIC TREASURES THIEFTERED
Yesterday morning shocked local people were outraged to discover that some priceless Van Bike paintings had been stolen from Bute Art Gallery. Proprietor Lynsey Largebreast said: "I am shocked and outraged that someone would do such a horrendous thing. I am sure Silly will be most disappointed to hear of this." Thankfully Silly didn't need to hear of this as the paintings were returned by himself the very same afternoon. Apparently he had been touting the pictures - of boats (as usual) - in local pubs to raise money for his secret gambling habit. On learning of the events, local psychologist Rab Brady was quoted as saying: "I believe that Silly paints pictures of boats as that is where his father came from. I think that his slut of a mother slept with some sailor and Silly sprung forth from their loins. These paintings are a physical manifestation of his deep hatred of a father he never knew. Alternatively he might just have an Oedipus complex and want to f**k his maw!" Silly was unable to provide a direct response to these assertions and instead chose to reply enigmatically: "D'you wanna paper?"
SINGLE MOTHER FROM BALLOCHGOY NOT CLAIMING BENEFITS.
NO-ONE READS ARTICLES ON BIRDS OR MILESTONES WRITTEN BY LOCAL MAN.
LOCAL CELTIC FAN SHUNNED BY MATES FOR ORDERING "TREBLE VODKA AND COKE".
NEW REPORT PROVES MOST BUTE MEN FELL FACE FIRST FROM UGLY TREE.
LOCAL RANGERS SUPPORTERS CLUB 12th OF JULY KARAOKE EVENING TO BE HOSTED BY DONALD FINDLAY.
LOCAL INVENTOR DEVELOPS TIME MACHINE: CALLS IT "CLOCK".
COMMUNITY BAFFLED AS TO WHO GETS UGLY FAT CHICKS PREGNANT.
MISPACED TRAFFIC CONE CAUSES 11 CAR PILE-UP IN MONTAGUE STREET
WIND CHANGE CAUSES LOCAL MAN'S FACE TO STICK - NOW UNRECOGNISABLE TO FRIENDS
STILL NO SIGHTINGS OF ELVIS IN LOCAL SUPERMARKET
We here at the Butemen would like to thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to catch up on the local news. We are sure that you agree that local issues are by far the most important issues in a community like Bute's. Without local gossip and hearsay, where would we be?
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