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*December 30, 2007

Dear Diary,
Today at The Max, Zack was flappin' his gums about some college chick he met and wanted to go to this rad club The Attic with her. This sounded like a good idea because a club is a sweet place to meet some bangin' ho bags. So I told Screech to make us some fake I.D.'s. He refused, so I poured a bowl of hot soup on his nuts and told him to get to work. He did. Preppy told his mom that me and that twerp Screech were gonna sleep over that night. Which was no problem for Mrs. Morris, Zack's dad was out of town and she was jonesin' for a bonesin', if you catch my drift.. After I slammed Preppy's mom, we snuck out for The Attic. Actually, just Zack and Screech snuck out, I just left. Screech had a gay fake beard with him to make him look older, I told him he looked mad gay. We arrived at The Attic and I told the bouncer that Screech had a fake I.D. He picked Screech up by his neck and threw him out. It was hilarious. We then entered the club and it was off the heezy fo' sheezy. There were bitches galore and booze everywhere. I quickly got my grind on with some fly honey's. I then saw Zack talkin' to some smut. He said "Hey A.C., this is that girl I was telling you about." I then replied, "Oh hey, you know Zack's only in high school? Oh and he's also gay, and has herpes." She freaked out and threw her drink in Preppy's face. I pushed him and he slipped on the wet floor. I started frenchin' his girl as that fudge packer cried. After our hot make out session, I spotted Kelly Kapowksi's new boyfriend Jeff, from The Max. He was all up on some hot blonde, to which I said "Oh snap son, it's my boy Fresh Jeff." We shook hands and chest bumped. Real recognize real. We then began to discuss how he is straight up playin' Kelly's ass. Jeff's a pimp. Me and Jeff then spent the night like real pimps do, smokin', drinkin' and hookin' up with hot hoochie momma's. The next day, after sleeping through the entire day of school, I showed up at the Max where Kelly was ballin' her eyes out. Lisa told me that Zack squealed on Jeff and his ho, and that Kelly was crushed. I then stood up to comfort Kelly, but instead dumped a milk shake in her hair and told her don't hate the playa, hate the game. This prompted Jeff to come out and dump her. I laughed. We then smoked a huge fatty out back of the Max, laughin' about how Kelly was cryin' and all milkshakey. Zack came out to confront Jeff, but Jeff was nowhere to be found. I told him I had no idea where he went. But I really knew that Jeff was actually hiding in the dumpster. Zack said, "Well if you see him, you let me know." I then said "Oh look, there he is", deceitfully pointing in the wrong direction to where Jeff really was. Zack turned around as Jeff popped out of the dumpster and smashed him in the face with a cinder block. Snitches get stitches Preppy, snitches get stitches.

*December 16, 2007

Today at school was extra rad because it was our senior prom. After music class and me rockin' out on my rad drums, I was rather hungry. I was gonna get a bag of Fritos Honey-BBQ Flavor Twists, but I was 25 cents short. I saw Big Pete come walking around the corner and I speared him right into the lockers, giving him a slight concussion. I made him give me a quarter and his new Rolex for good measure. After devouring my Fritos, I didn't feel like going to my next class, so I pulled the fire alarm. I ducked into the bathroom where I met up with my homie Skud and we smoked a fat doobie. Everyone else had to go outside and line up in a single file until the coast was clear. They were out there for hours. Sucks for them. The fire department came and everything. It was hilarious. After school, I went home and watched "Jingle All The Way" on DVD until it was time for prom. The prom was pretty lame, until I decided to spike the punch. Mr. Belding took a swig of the punch and discovered that the punch had been tampered with. I told him that fat kid with glasses Allen had been bragging all night that he was the one who had spiked the punch. Belding wasted no time and decided to expel Allen on the spot. He was told to leave the premises immediately. He began to cry like a bitch. On his way out the door I threw a piece of cake at the back of his head. The icing splattered all over his hair and neck. Then I laughed in his face and opened the door for him and told him to leave. After that me and the gang rocked out. Yours truly of course was on the drums. When it was time for the last song, Preppy wanted to do his song, "Friends Forever." Since I was trying to score with as many chicks as possible, I wanted to sing "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You." Singing that was sure to help me score with some bangin' hot sluts. But Preppy insisted on the homo-oriented "Friends Forever." To make sure they performed his song, Zack deviously trapped me and Jesse in the boiler room and locked the door. I tried pulling open the door, but the door knob broke. Lucky for me, I'm rad. Right before that pansy locked us in the boiler room, I poured a hefty amount of lemon juice in his beverage. I could hear Preppy start to perform Friends Forever through the vents. When he tried to sing, he could barely mumble the words. Everyone began booing Morris off the stage. After Jesse stroked my schlong, I stood up and ripped the hinges off the door. I then seized the opportunity and put Michael Bolton to shame with my rad rendition of "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You." All of the girls quickly dropped to their knees and began blowing away. Today was extra rad indeed.

*November 29, 2007

Today my sister J.B. came to visit me at school. Zack hadn't seen her since she was younger, and when he saw her again he fell in love. He asked her if she remembered him, to which she responded no, not at all. Then he tried to ask her on a date to the movies. She said no, again. After Preppy finished crying, I told her to say yes so I could humiliate him at the movies. She agreed, and told that homo she'd go to the movies with him. I followed them to the movies and sat a few rows back chuckin' SnoCaps at Preppy's head. He didn't see me cuz he's a retard. During the previews I saw Zack try to put the moves on my lil' sis and cop a feel. As he tried to fondle her breasts, I sprang into action. I leaped from my seat and ran down to confront that flamer. I yelled, "hands off my sister cock-gobbler." Zack stood up and wet himself cuz he was terrified of what was about to happen to him. When Zack looked down at his soiled pants, J.B. nailed him with a low-blow from behind as I caught him with a right hook straight to the dome. I then took another movie patron's hot buttered pop corn and poured the butter into Preppy's hair. It totally burned him up. I then put him in my signature Slater Rack and began to break him in half. The usher's then ran to his assistance, but to no avail. They came bolting down the stairs and I delivered two monstrous big boots, instantly knocking them out cold. I then told Morris I'd let him go if he apologized to my sister. He cried his eyes out screaming "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" As promised, I released my grip and put him down. The good sportsman that I am, I extended my hand for a handshake. That sucker reached for my hand and I pulled him in for a devastating clothesline that almost knocked that fagget's head off. I then picked him up over my head and threw him through the movie screen. After me and J.B. laughed for a good 20 minutes, we went and snuck into another movie without paying. It was rad.

*November 15, 2007

Dear Diary,
Yesterday sure was rad. After yet another victory over those punks from Valley, the gang and I went to celebrate at a rockin' toga party. I got so sloshed I could barely stand. After breakin' some shit and gettin' my swang on with hot sluts, we left. We hopped into Lisa's mom's Mercedes and headed for home. Zack was the designated driver like always, cuz that pansy don't drink. But of course I was still drankin' in the car, cuz I swiped a 12 pack on my way out the door. Preppy kept bitchin' about drinkin' in the car so I shook up a beer and proceeded to douse him with booze, causing him to wreck Lisa's mom's car into a light pole. I laughed my ass off. Screech was hurt and his head was bleeding quite badly. Lisa was out cold and that ugly smut Torri busted her nose and had her teeth knocked out. Zack's head went smashing through the windshield. No, Lisa's mom's car didn't have any air bags.. That'll teach him to tell me not to drink. I then called up my boy JT and told him to pick me up. While he was on his way, I spilled my remaining beers all over everyone so they smelled like beer. I then called the cops to report an accident. Five minutes later, J-Tizzle showed up and we jumped in his whip and parked down the block. Two minutes later, the cops were on the scene and arrested everyone for drunk driving. Preppy lost his license for 12 months and Torri lost her teeth forever. Boy, what a party.

September 8, 2007

Today I woke up and headed over to Mildew's to see his new platinum teeth he just got. I knocked on the door, and the homo that he lives with Joey Gladstone answered the door. I pushed Gladstone to the side and greeted Danny with a jumping chest bump. We were on our way up to Mildew's room, when I ran into Jesse Cochran's wife Rebecca Donaldson. She was hurtin' for a squirtin' so I grabbed her and drug her into DJ and Steph's room where I proceeded to hump her brains out right in front of Mr. Bear. The Jess-man didn't have any idea, because he was downstairs jammin' with the Beach Boys, so it was cool. After I shot my load all over Becky's face, and Mr. Bear, I smoked a fat one and headed out to the hall. Joey was standing there being lame saying something about how it's wrong to slam someone else's bitch. I replied "I would fuck yours but you never have one, because of the fact your Joey "No-Puss" Gladstone. As a matter of fact, I don't think you've ever had one." Joey stood there looking depressed with his head down. Me and Danny then made Comet the dog bite Joey in the nuts as we laughed. I then asked Mildew why he even lets Joey live with him. Danny said because he makes Joey pay the bills every month, wash his car, and clean the house. We then entered Mildew's room to discover his daughter's DJ and Steph standing in front of a hole they put in his wall as they were stealing his clothes. This infuriated Danny and he cracked DJ in the face with the back of his hand. Steph then replied "how rude", and Danny said "how rude this bitch!" and picked her up into the air and tossed her into his ceiling fan, which was on high by the way. I was like "oh snap!" But Danny wasn't done, as he told me to Slater rack them both at the same time. So I did. After that, Danny said "You guys like making holes in my wall so much, how bout this!" He then grabbed them by the hair and bashed their heads together, and proceeded to slam their heads through the wall. We then went downstairs, got Joey's credit card, jumped in Mildew's whip 'Bullet', and went to pick up The Judge, Sheed and Agro Crag O'Malley. We smoked a fat blunt and went to the Bayside Mall for a rad shopping spree courtesy of no-puss Gladstone. When we got there, I knocked out a homeless guy in the bathroom and he pretended he passed out. Zack Morris totally bought it. He then nursed him back to health and allowed him to live with his family until he got back on his feet. The homeless guy raped Zack's mom, stole their money, and left town. Mildew's teeth were banging by the way. It sure was a rad day.

January 1, 2007

I'm so rad, Blockbuster decided to get rid of late fees thanks to me. They got so tired of me returning all of their sweet movies late that they just decided to get rid of late fees altogether. After hearing the rad news I hopped on my razor scooter and rode down to the local Blockbuster. I rented out every movie and video game in stock. Actually I didn't rent them I just took them. I don't think they'll be seeing these anytime soon. That'll teach 'em to get rid of late fees. After that I headed on over to 7-11 and got three big gulps. That sure hit the spot. I was still a bit on the hungry side after that so I headed on over to Zack Morris's house where I told his mom to cook me some french toast. She obliged and then began to fellate me in the kitchen in front of Zack as he cried. Before I shot my load in her face I thought it would be funnier to blow it all over preppy's face. So I did. One word. Hilarious. After that I went home to watch one of my sweet movies that I just took. So I called up JT and Gordon Bombay to come over to watch a movie. We weren't sure which one to watch, there were so many. Gordon suggested "D2: The Mighty Ducks". I agreed. JT said he was getting sick of Gordon bragging about how sweet he was in the movie. I told him to quit bitching and we were going to watch it whether he liked it or not. I put in the movie and made JT push play because I knew he was very disgruntled about watching it. As I was just about to sit down with my 6 pack of RC cola, the door bell rang. It was "The Boss". Tony came in showing off his new deluxe edition 2 disc DVD box set of "The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon". He also had some 40's. We pounded them down while watching the sweet movie.

November 3, 2004

Today was a special day. It was a special day because I paid my good buddy Bobby Budnick a visit at camp. When I woke up, I went to the kitchen to chow on some delish Frankenberry. But much to my displeasure, we had run out. So I sent moms to the store for some more. She came back about 10 minutes later and I let her have it for taking so long. She apologized, but remembered I don't accept apologies. After I chowed down, I told her to give me a ride to camp Anawanna. After arriving to camp, I was greeted by a huge nerd named Sponge. He's a straight up geek. So you know of course Budnick squatted behind him as I pushed him over. After that, he took me back to his bunk to find his bunkmate Donkeylips puffin' on a huge fatty. He's one fat radical dude. After we smoked a fat blunt we went over to the girls' bunk. Budnick introduced me to this slim named Dina. She supplied us with a case of Natty Ice and we totally got obliterated. I then proceeded to hump her brains out as Budnick and Donkeylips taped it. Actually, just Budnick videotaped, Donkeylips was busy smelling Dina's panties. Budnick vowed to hand hump to the tape later. After I shot my huge load all over her face, I was hungry so we headed to the cafeteria to get our grub on. Their food totally sucked balls. So we snuck out to Wendy's to eat. The camp counselor UG tried to stop us. I looked at him and laughed. I picked him up and delivered a scoop slam. Donkeylips then took off his shirt and climbed on top of a picnic table. He then jumped off and landed a huge splash on UG. This incapacitated UG long enough for us to get to Wendy's. After we ate it was getting pretty late so I called my mom and told her to pick me up. She did and I went home, worked out on my BOWFLEX and fell asleep.

October 25, 2004

Dear Diary,
Today I woke up and decided to cut school to go toilet paper Valley's hallways. It totally rocked the house. After I finished toilet papering their lame ass school, I gave my ace boon "J-Tizzle" JT Lambert a call. I asked him if he wanted to go to Hardee's for breakfast. He was like, "Oh fo sho nigga." So we hopped on our razor scooters and headed on over to Hardee's. I ordered the biggest plate of ham and eggs they had, the Big Country Platter. Tizzle got a stack of pancakes with bacon and wheat toast. I called him a pansy because only pansy's order wheat toast. Our waiter was such a douche bag, so we decided to stiff him with the bill cuz that's how the Slater Sqwad rolls. He shouldn't of been such a homo. Anyway, after we left Hardee's, we decided it would be a good idea to head back to school and let the air out of Preppy's tires. But then we realized that he probably wasn't at school because he always seems to be at the Max. So we took a ride down to the Max to find Preppy. On our way we saw Joey "No Puss" Gladstone standing outside 7-11 eating a hoagie. He complimented me on how sweet my new maroon tank was looking. That's when I gave J-Tizzle the signal as he knelt down behind Gladstone. To which I then gave him a shove. He fell into a huge puddle of muddy rain water. One word. Hilarious. I grabbed his hoagie and began chowing down. I threw the tomatoes at Joey because tomatoes lick balls and proceeded to urinate in his face. He started crying as we laughed. After that we were too tired to do anything else, so we called our nigga Carlton "Mo Money In The" Banks. He got us a couple of 40's and we headed back to my house and got plastered as we watched Kazaam twice on VHS, which is 3 days overdue at Blockbuster.

September 12, 2004

Dear Diary,
This morning my alarm went off and I threw it out the window cause I had a massive hangover from partyin' hard wif my crew the night before. Then my mom came and told me to get ready for school. So I showered, threw on a righteous purple tank, ate some Frankenberry and bounced for school. I went to school for approximately 18 minutes, just to pick up some ladies and throw some geeks in lockers for their lunch money. I then ran into my good buddy Ox and we ditched school, cause that's what bad asses do, they ditch school. We then went to Ox's house and smoked a fatty with him and his twin brother Skud. We got plowed and drove to Hardee's where I stuffed my face with delish food, and didn't pay for it of course. We then went and got our sweet bikes and took them to the woods for some wicked jumps. My sweet orange and green Murray mountain bike kicked ass on jumps. But then we got tired of that so we went and flew a kite, it was real neat. Then we went and pants'd some dorks on our way to the arcade to play double dragon and skee ball. I then went back home and ate some Hungry Man XXL dinners because I'm xtra xtra rad and need xtra xtra large meals. After dinner I stared in the mirror admiring my sweet pec's and luscious triceps. Then I went to bed, today rocked ass.

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