Gradual Love

"Um . . ." Goku stared blankly at the doctor, trying to assimilate what she had just said and uncover the hidden meaning. "What's a miscarriage?"

The woman gaped at him in unabashed shock, and Goku instantly felt uncomfortable. Was it his fault that he didn't know everything about sickness? Why did people have to treat him like he was a moron just because he didn't know everything? "A miscarriage," the doctor explained, her stony expression returning once more. She spoke as though to an idiot child. "Is when the child dies inside its mother."

Oh right, like that really helped . . . Goku felt no less confused than he already was. "Huh? What's that got to do with ChiChi? Her Mom died when she was born."

"Your wife was pregnant, Son-san. When the accident occurred" -- she spit out the word "accident" like a swear word, but Goku didn't know why -- "it caused her to lose her baby."

Goku still wasn't sure what she was driving at, but he just sat there and let the information sink in at its own pace. Babies . . . dying inside their mothers . . . ChiChi . . . pregnant . . . accident . . . his eyes flew wide, and he jumped from the couch in shock.

"You mean -- I was going to be . . . be a Daddy?" Goku choked out, feeling like a giant fist was crushing his throat. "And now the baby . . . is . . . dead?"

The doctor nodded shortly. "Unfortunately, yes."

Goku clutched his head in his hands, various scenes playing themselves over in his mind, in a bizarre, tortuous collage of memories and realizations. His knees drilling into ChiChi's stomach -- ChiChi, crying, bleeding, unconscious -- the long, panicked wait while ChiChi was trapped in the examining room -- the stern face of the doctor . . .

"I killed a baby," Goku whispered, feeling worse than he had in years. He had to fight to keep from dissolving into helpless sobs, as again he was hit with that unfamiliar emotion -- guilt. He'd gone his whole life barely ever feeling it, but in the past few months had experienced enough to cripple him mentally.

"If you'll excuse me," the woman made a funny, disapproving noise. "I have other patients to attend to," briskly, she spun on her burnished heel and left.

Goku remained paralyzed, staring blankly at his hands as though they could provide the salvation from his inner turmoil. At long length, a single thought sprang into his head like a firecracker: ChiChi!

The young warrior leapt from his position and tore through the hallways, realizing he hadn't been in to see her since their arrival at the hospital! He quickly got lost in the maze of rooms once more, but used his wife's distinctive ki signature as a homing beacon.

When he finally found her, ChiChi was asleep -- she was frowning slightly, but didn't appear to be in any pain. One doctor was present, checking through some records or something -- Goku wasn't sure. when Goku approached, the man glanced up from his clipboard with veiled dislike.

Goku was taken aback. Why did everybody look so mad at him? He hadn't meant to hurt ChiChi -- if he'd known she was going to have a baby, he never would have agreed to spar with her! He would have made her stay in bed, and he would have tried his best to make her dinner and keep the house clean. But no, the doctors insisted on glaring at him with the same expression that Piccolo had worn after Goku gave him the senzu bean.

"Hello, Son-san," the doctor inclined his head in greeting, though there didn't seem to be much genuine politeness in the gesture. "I have a few questions for you."

"Okay," Goku agreed readily, not wanting anyone to be angry, though all he wanted to do was talk to ChiChi and apologize. He shifted from foot to foot like an anxious five-year-old, toying with his fingers. "Can I sit down?"

"Whatever suits you."

Goku perched on the edge of the bed, reaching tentatively to clasp ChiChi's unresponsive fingers in his. "Okay, what do you need to know?"

The doctor remained standing, and he pulled a pen from behind his ear, holding it poised above the paper. "Why don't you tell me what happened yesterday? From what we could tell, the miscarriage was initiated by a blow to the stomach."

Wincing, Goku glanced at ChiChi, noting how much paler she appeared with her black hair spread around her on the white pillow. "Well . . . we were fighting," he began. He would have said "sparring," but Yamucha had told him the word could have sexual connotations, and he didn't think ChiChi would like that. "And I was goading her, 'cause it's funny when she gets mad . . ."

It was rather unnerving, how the man scribbled down everything Goku said, but he did his best to ignore it. "And I kissed her, and she got even madder for a bit . . . then she pushed me away and kneed me in the stomach . . . it kinda' hurt but not really . . . so I kicked her real hard . . ." Goku felt anguish creeping over him, and he heard it enter his voice.

"I didn't mean to hurt her like this! I thought she would get out of the way, but she didn't," Goku swallowed hard. The longer he explained, the fresher the pain and guilt got. "Every other time that I kicked or punched her, she'd dodge or block or some...thing . . ."

Goku trailed off as he noticed how the doctor was eyeing him -- as though Goku had just killed somebody in front of a group of children.

"You say you've struck your wife before, sir?" the doctor questioned him sharply.

"Only when we're fighting," Goku was quick to reassure him. "I don't hit her when we're eating or sleeping or something."

The poorly-concealed disapproval was sliding away, replaced by blatant fury. "And you admit this?"

"Well . . . yeah . . ." Goku scratched his head in confusion. A little warning siren was going off in his head, but he didn't know the cause. "Why should I lie?"

The man was looking at him with a mixture of disbelief and revulsion contorting his face. "I never heard . . ." he muttered, shot an evil eye at Goku, then clutched his clipboard to his chest and hurried out of the room like his coat was on fire.

Goku frowned, still puzzled, then he shrugged and let the matter dropped. He'd never understand doctors, no matter how hard he tried -- which wasn't very, because he didn't really care. Their motives were alien to him.

"ChiChi?" he called softly, knowing he should let her sleep, but worry had been gnawing at him for too long. "ChiChi . . ."

She moaned and stretched, her eyelids fluttering, then her eyes opened slowly. A look of pain quickly succeeded her initial expression of panic and confusion. "Hello, Goku," she murmured reluctantly, like she didn't want to speak to him.

"Good, you're okay!" Goku burst out, the relief he felt so strong that it hurt his chest. "I thought you were gonna' sleep forever!"

Deliberately, ChiChi turned on her side, her back facing him. "Go away," she hissed.

Goku jerked back, stung. He hadn't expected that! "ChiChi --" he placed a hand on her shoulder, gently pressing down so she had no choice but to roll over and look at him. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to put you in the hospital."

ChiChi's face screwed up, and he could tell she was still displeased. Goku tried again. "I never want to hurt you . . . I told you sparring was a bad idea . . ."

"Shut up," ChiChi snapped, her eyes and tone full of venom.

Dutifully, Goku closed his mouth, though inwardly he was a mass of uncertainty. He'd never seen ChiChi so upset with him, so acerbic in her manner . . . he didn't know what to do!

After a few seconds of frantic thought, Goku smiled. He decided he would kiss her -- that always made her feel better, no matter what she was angry about. Kissing solved everything, Goku thought diplomatically.

But when he bent over her, ChiChi turned her face away, and Goku's lips brushed her ear instead. He pulled back. Huh? What was that for? He didn't remember ChiChi ever refusing a kiss before.

"Don't touch me," ChiChi told him, in a raw, gravelly voice. "Don't you get it? That's how this mess started!"

Goku's mouth opened and closed several times before he gave up trying to formulate a response. With a small sigh, Goku rose from the bed, defeated. "I'm sorry," he repeated, having lost count how man times he uttered that statement in one morning.

"I lost my baby, Goku," ChiChi's words jabbed at him like ki blasts. "A baby I didn't even know I was carrying. I don't want to talk to you for a very long time."

The blankets had slipped off her, and Goku noticed with an unpleasant jolt that her pale skin was covered in purple discolorations. He'd never realized the effects his blows actually had on her . . . she blocked them so easily, that he hadn't given them second thought.

He wondered if she had hidden her previous injuries from him on purpose, hiding bruises on her face with makeup, wearing long sleeves and pantaloons beneath her dresses so he wouldn't see. He certainly would have stopped sparring with her if he had known, but ChiChi wouldn't have wanted that.

ChiChi glanced at him over her shoulder, face drawn and expressionless. She had a black eye, and her lower lip was swollen. Goku's stomach contracted. How could he have been so wrapped up in the thrill of sparring that he had missed them before? "Aren't you leaving?" she asked coldly.

"Yeah. I'll stay in the waiting room until you need me," Goku nodded heavily. "'Bye. Um . . ." he started to say something that would be comforting and reassuring, but came up dry. "Well, yeah. 'Bye."

He fully intended to go to the waiting room like he'd told ChiChi, but Goku decided he didn't want to be somewhere that anyone could see him. He'd had enough with the dirty looks and accusing stares, like he had hurt ChiChi on purpose. If anyone had taken time to ask him . . . but no one had.

Goku wandered through the hallways, keeping his mind open so he could duck into a room or another corridor if he felt someone's ki approaching. After turning dozens of times and finding himself in unfamiliar surroundings somewhere on the third floor, Goku decided he was safe to relax.

He turned around, examining the room he was in, and discovered he was in the hospital library. It was a good idea, Goku thought ruefully -- if he had known it was there earlier, he would have looked up ChiChi's sickness and tried to guess what she had before the doctors could tell him. Maybe then they wouldn't have been so mean to him if he hadn't seemed so stupid!

It was a way to pass the time, at least, and a much more attractive one than moping.

Goku stood in front of one of the massive bookshelves, not knowing where to start. He could read all right -- Grandpa Gohan hadn't been able to teach him much before he died, but Goku was a quick study with pretty much anything, and had picked up enough of the skill to get by. In fact, the only time Goku had ever gotten annoyed with ChiChi was when she naturally assumed he couldn't read, acting shocked when he added something to their shopping list.

It was funny, really, how little they had known each other before getting married. He had the feeling that it wasn't how things were supposed to work. But anyway.

Suddenly, Goku's roving eye jolted to a stop: a thin book on the third shelf bore the bold title, "Miscarriage - Why it Happens, How it Happens, and How to Cope." People had written books on what had happened to ChiChi? Well, he supposed it made sense . . . pulling the book from the shelf, Goku moved to an armchair across the room and began to read.

Goku skipped over the first few chapters, which dealt with a bunch of scientific terms that he didn't understand. It was basically explaining about . . . well . . . he wasn't sure. All the words except "the" and "and" and "or" pretty much had five syllables and twice as many letters, and Goku didn't really care anyway. He knew what had caused ChiChi's condition, and didn't want to be reminded.

The next sections dealt with what women felt when they went through it. The more he read, the more Goku's stomach twisted with sympathy for ChiChi . . . he'd known there was pain, since he could still hear her cries ringing in his mind, but he didn't know there was so much of it! And there was nausea, and fatigue . . . not to mention a whole bunch of hormonal stuff. Goku didn't know what hormones were, but he figured messing with them had to be bad, since it caused depression, rage, and a list of things he didn't know but guessed weren't good to feel.

Hey -- there was something interesting! One passage declared that it was normal for wives to be volatile (whatever that meant) and explosive around their husbands after a miscarriage occurred. They often felt alone, and angry that their husbands weren't affected as they were. Many women placed blame on their partners for the incident, and relations could be strained for some time afterward if the matter wasn't handled properly. All of this was normal, and the book encouraged men to be supportive and patient, and not get annoyed that their wives weren't moving on. Even if they themselves thought the matter more trivial than their wives made it out to be.

Goku sat back in the chair and stared at the book without really seeing it, letting all the information sink in. He didn't move from that spot for some time, sorting through what he had read and formulating the best method of dealing with it. Soon, it came to him:

He just had to be patient, and wait for her to feel better. He wouldn't do anything ChiChi wasn't ready for.

Suddenly cheerful, Goku bounded up from the chair and placed the book back on the shelf, deciding to go see ChiChi again. It was okay if she yelled at him -- it was just because of all the hormone stuff going funny. She didn't really hate him or anything like that.

He felt so relieved that the young man actually skipped down the hallways, humming happily to himself and drawing odd looks from various hospital orderlies. Maybe he should let ChiChi read the book herself, so she would know that what she was feeling was normal, and then perhaps she wouldn't feel so bad.

When Goku reached ChiChi's room, a group of doctors and other official-looking people were huddled together in front of the door, speaking in hushed, solemn tones. Goku stopped ahead of them and waved. "Hi," he greeted them, "Can I see ChiChi now?"

The people all looked at each other, then a man stepped forward. He had a stern look on his face, and he looked important -- something about how he carried himself, and the piercing way he stared at Goku gave that impression. "Son Goku?" he asked gravely.

Goku blinked, his happiness slowly giving away to caution. "Yeah," his eyes widened. "Did something happen to ChiChi? Can I see her? Is she okay?"

The man shook his head. "Son-san, my name is Dan West. I'm the representative for my organization, OPAW," he held a pamphlet out to Goku, who accepted it warily.

"Organization for the Protection of Abused Women," read the paper, and Goku stared at it in incomprehension. At last, it dawned on him. "Oh, okay! You're gonna' help ChiChi get through her miscarriage? You're like a counsellor, right?"

Mr. West cleared his throat with an air of reproachful disdain, and he shook his head. "No. Due to the circumstances in this particular case, it is in your wife's best interest that our organization step in. Custody of your wife has hereby been revoked, pending a hearing that will follow upcoming investigations."

"What?" none of the words made sense to Goku, and he had the annoying feeling that the man was speaking loftily on purpose. That really bothered him, when people acted superior just because they had gone to school and he hadn't. However, he got the feeling that whatever Mr. West was saying, wasn't good.

No one ventured to explain, so, scowling, Goku studied the pamphlet again. Under a heading called "Mission Statement," some startling words jumped out at him:

To provide temporary sanctuary for women mistreated by their partners, until such time that a.)women are able to financially support themselves, or b.)they may return to their partners after he has received counselling/treatment, and chances of recurring abuse are as low as possible.

Everything fit. The glares, the questions, the bruises . . . he thought how it must look to a doctor, seeing the type of miscarriage and all ChiChi's injuries. Especially with the way Goku had answered the questions -- he'd practically admitted to hurting her on purpose! And now, this man from an organization for battered women . . .

Goku felt like he had been gut-punched.

They think I hurt her on purpose! They think I do it all the time!

His head snapped up, taking in the impassive faces of the people in front of him. Goku's voice cracked as he fought to keep his composure.

"You're taking her away from me!"

******


Chapter Six

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