~~~~~~
Just because I try to act like before
It doesn't mean I don't remember
Just because I don't cry over her
It doesn't mean I'm not hurt
~~~~~~
The night was dark, quiet. The young girl was sleeping in her bed, her raven hair contrasting with the white pillow and the pale skin. The slightly opened door of her bedroom let enter a ray of light that now laid over her face, though not disturbing her rest.
- Videl, leave that door now, it's been five minutes already.
The young woman sighed as her husband softly pulled her away, silently closing the door in the same time.
- It's been five months, now, she said with a low voice. And from totally depressed and mute, she passed to an over-active and over-happy mood. I don't understand her, Gohan...
- It's her way to handle it, Videl, just let her do so.
- But... She seems to have forgotten suddenly. I mean, she acts like before the accident, except that Bra seems totally excluded from her life! And... She's even more active than before! It's so obvious she wants to forget...
Videl shook her head sadly.
- I tried to talk with her about that, but she just ran away saying she was all right and that I shouldn't worry. But I can't help but just worrying even more!
- It's normal, honey, you care about her... I do too, but we have to let her handle it by her owns... She's old and mature enough...
- But what if she does something bad? Like...
- Sshhh... I'm still watching over her, don't worry, ok?
She nodded as he pulled her into his arms for a comforting hug of his.
- Don't worry, he whispered as brushing her hair. She'll be all right.
~~
- I'm gone! yelled Pan as shutting the door after her, already in the sky, flying toward Satan City.
- Good day... said her mother to the now closed door.
- I heard an hurricane leaving, groaned Gohan, slowly walking from the bedroom and heading to the coffee machine.
Videl smiled and hugged him, trying to forget the impression that was haunting her. The impression that Pan was forcing her happiness and that she was about to break down...
~~
- Calm down, miss Son. This experience needs calm, concentration and patience.
- Well, I am calm, sir!
Pan sighed heavily. She was calm, why did that teacher think she wasn't? Everyone was looking at her like she was acting weirdly. "They are the weirdoes here!" She decided to ignore them and to focus on her lab. But she was so tensed and upset that she pressed too much on the tube she was holding, making it break into little pieces. The glass cut her finger as the pale liquid spouted out over her hand. She groaned, more angry than hurt, being used to such a "little" pain because of her fighter skills. She sucked on the blood, when the boy beside her gasped.
- Hey! You just got acid on your hand, don't put it in your mouth! he almost screamed.
Pan frowned as everybody turned to see what was the problem with her now. "Why can't they just forget about me for once?" She clenched her fists as the teacher asked her what had happened.
- I just... Broke that stupid thing, she said through her teeth.
- You must wash your hands immediately! Go to the toilets quickly and be sure to clean yourself very well.
- Of course!
She angrily walked out of the now silent class. Her sudden angers started to be known and even feared in the school...
- Stupid lab, stupid teacher, stupid people... she grumbled as rubbing her hands together, already hating the fact that they'd smell the cheap liquid soap later. If they'd leave me alone sometimes, I wouldn't have broken it and I wouldn't be that angry all the time!
She rinsed her hands and sighed deeply to calm down. She looked up to the mirror and saw an angry looking black haired teenage girl. Her skin was too pale, she looked tired and nervy. "It's not me!" thought Pan, stepping away from this vision. She shivered as the little devil within her whispered it looked like Bra, a few time before she committed suicide.
- It is not me... she growled, turning to the mirror like she was defying it to show the same image.
Once again she saw the angry teenager and she couldn't help but to let a scream of rage go.
- NO!!
Glass flew around as she punched the mirror. Pieces of it cut through her skin, her arms and face, making her scream again, but it wasn't much of pain than of anger from hurting herself.
- Baka Pan, she groaned as she started cleaning her cuts with cool water.
- Oh my God! What happened?
Pan decided to not pay attention to the girl who'd just entered the toilets and was panicking at the view of broken glass and a little of blood.
- Are you ok? Do you want me to ask for help?
- Give me a break already, I'm fine! Just leave me alone!
The girl fearfully nodded and quickly walked out. Pan finished to clean the blood trace on her cheek and decided that she had enough of school for the day.
~~
The door shut, making the walls tremble. Heavy steps were heard in the entire house until another door shut. Then, silence came back.
Videl waited a little moment. Her daughter's ki was quite high, which meant she was probably angry. "I wonder what happened this time..." She decided to let her calm down before she'd talk to her.
After a little while, Pan's ki was back to a normal status and Videl headed to her bedroom.
- Pan-chan? she asked softly with little knocks. Can I enter?
- Yeah.
Videl pushed the door and found the young girl laid on her bed, hands behind the head, staring at the ceiling. There was new cuts on her cheeks and arms, though Pan didn't seem to be in pain at all.
- What happened? she asked with worry.
- Nothing important. Don't worry, I washed it with water and it doesn't even hurt. It's ok.
- If you say so...
A silent moment passed. Pan just kept staring the ceiling and Videl just stood there, not knowing what to say.
- Well... Why are you back so earlier? she finally asked.
- Why not?
- Because you're supposed to stay there until it's over!
- It's over for me now.
Videl frowned, put her fists on her hips.
- Listen now, young girl, I let you act like you wanted for five months, I let you missing school, being arrogant and all, but now that's enough! If there is something wrong, tell me and we'll fix it, if not... Well stop acting like that!
- Like what?
- Like that! You know what I mean, Pan, don't push me!
- Fine.
Pan sat on the bed, put her feet on the floor and glared at her mother. The cut on her left cheek let a small drop of blood go. Pan let it slide on her skin, leaving it free to draw a pale red trace on it.
- I guess I should go then, calmly said the young girl, getting up.
- Go where?
The teenager wiped the blood drop just before it fell of her chin.
- Away. Obviously you don't want me hanging around here.
- Pan, that's not what I meant and you know it!
They both clenched their teeth in the same challenging move.
- Pan, stop that game, growled Videl.
- Mom, I'm f...
- Hi you two!
Gohan happily entered in the bedroom and gave his wife a kiss on the cheek.
- You're back early, Pan-chan, he said with a smile. Good. Do you wanna come at the lab and help me?
- I have enough of labs for today, dad...
- Hey, what happened to you? It's not pretty... But it doesn't look too bad. You can handle that, right?
- Yeah...
- Good, now come! You'll see, it's nothing like your little school's labs!
He grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her out. As he passed by Videl, he whispered a quick "Don't worry" in her ear. Pan let her father take her out, it was better than listening at her mother complaining...
When they'd left the house, Videl sighed, hoping Gohan would have better results that she'd gotten herself.
~~~~~~
They try to understand, sure
Then why can't they see?
Just leave me alone and I'll make it my way
I don't need your help with this
~~~~~~
Pan stared at her father, bored. She was sitting on a chair, an elbow on the table and the chin in the palm of one hand, just looking at Gohan doing some experiences she didn't want to know about.
- So... How's it going at school? he asked, finally breaking the silence.
- It's ok.
- I heard that you were getting a little bit too aggressive though. Are you sure there is no problem?
- Of course I'm sure! It's not my fault if they don't tolerate any anger!
Gohan nodded with a little smile, like he was agreeing with her. A little surprised, the young girl pouted.
- They just won't leave me alone, she said. There is always someone asking me if I'm all right or telling me to calm down.
- That must be a pain.
- It is.
Pan waited a few seconds. She was glad that she could tell him that and not get to hear a long speech about caring or whatever he could think of. He was just... There and understanding. She decided to open a little more to him.
- It's like... I'm always angry, but most of the time there is no reason. Everything gets on my nerves and... I know I'm too aggressive and all, but I can't help it.
- Pan-chan... If I ask you something, will you tell me the truth?
- Yeah, of course...
Gohan finally put his instruments down and looked at her, seriously.
- Are you taking drugs? he asked.
Pan paled. She didn't really expected that...
- If you do, just tell me, continued Gohan. I promise I won't yell or anything. If you don't, then it's all good, but... If you do... I just want to help you, Pan. If you lie, it'll be just worst.
The huge black eyes looked away as Pan started to shake a little bit. She bit her inferior lip, visibly nervous. Gohan sighed and approached her.
- It's ok, Pan.
She looked at him. How she seemed scared... Gohan took her shoulders in his hands, pulled her against him and hugged her thigh.
- It's ok, he repeated. You're taking it to forget about Bra, isn't it?
- Y... Yes...
Tears were running down the pale cheeks, making Gohan's blue shirt having darker spots. But he didn't care.
- You know, Pan, she died because of that... Drugs killed her.
- I know but... It was... I didn't...
- I know... It was just to forget and to get your old happy life back... I'm sorry, honey, but it's not that simple...
- I made it worse, huh?
Pan pushed him back to face him. Gohan brushed her wet cheek, placed a piece of black hair behind her ear.
- Maybe. But now we're gonna work that out and it'll be fine. Ok?
She nodded, though sobbing louder. Gohan made a little smile and hugged her again, caressing her hair.
- It'll be ok, Pan-chan, don't worry. Ssshhh... Calm down... It'll be fine... It'll be all fine...
~~
Pan was laid on the psychologist's couch. Only, her head was hanging down on the side and her feet had taken her head's place. The old man sighed deeply, trying to stay calm.
- Miss Son, please, can't you lay down correctly and so we can have a nice conversation for once?
- Why? she asked innocently. I'm comfortable like that and we always have nice conversations! Don't you think so?
She put the palm of her hands on the floor and started to walk on them, whistling.
- Sure, miss, but... If you could just sit down...
- Naah... So, what do you wanna know about me today?
- Well, I thought that today, we could... Talk about Bra.
Pan immobilized. Good thing was she was turning back to him at the moment. She jumped on her feet and put on a careless mask before she faced him.
- Yeah, why not?
She sat on the couch, smiling. But within her, her heart was beating faster. What would he ask? What would she have to think of? She didn't want to think about Bra, at least not about her death... She wanted to forget that. But she kept on smiling.
- I'd like to know how close you two were, said the psychologist softly. Would you consider the two of you as best friends or simple friends...
- We were good friends... But she was one year older than me, so it was more like a big sister for me. But we were close...
It was weird, talking about her and using the past tense...
- I see. And you spent lots of time with her?
- Well... She had her interests and I had mine... She wasn't the fighter type and I'm not the hanging-out-shopping kind of girl, so... But we did spend time together... Going to parties and stuff like that... Though at the end she was often tired and feeling sick, so it wasn't the same...
She bit her inferior lip, thoughtful. A moment passed before she looked up again.
- Anything else? she asked.
- Yes. How did you feel when someone told you she was death?
Pan froze for a few seconds. Why was he asking that? She casually pushed her hair behind her shoulder.
- I was... Shocked... And then sad...
- Of course... But did you feel... Responsible somehow?
- Responsible?
- Yes. Because you didn't notice something was wrong with her, because you didn't help her...
Suddenly, the world was spinning around the young girl. "I didn't notice... I didn't help her... I should have... I should have noticed, I should have helped her... But I didn't... So... It's my fault?" She felt cold filling her heart and her soul as accusing thoughts started to fight in her mind.
- Miss Son?
- Huh? I... I dunno... I just...
Her mouth was dry suddenly and she didn't feel too good. She slowly got on her feet.
- I wanna go now.
Surprisingly, he nodded and led her to the door without any comment.
- I will see you next week, he said. Good bye, miss Son.
- Yeah, bye...
After she'd left the cabinet, Pan walked on the side of the street like she was walking in a world of cotton. Her legs were weak, her stomach wild... "If I was such a good friend of hers, I should have known something was wrong... I should have helped her... But I didn't... No one did... She needed help and no one saw it... So... It's all our fault if she's dead... It's my fault..." She didn't know where she was going, she could barely see anything. Breathing was difficult, her chest was burning. "It was more than six months ago... Why didn't I realise that before? Why..."
~~~~~~
All the shame and the blame they didn't want me to see
Now I know and I feel them filling me
They could have told me earlier
All is my fault and I have to pay
~~~~~~
- Pan?
At the sound of her name, she stopped walking, but didn't bother to look who was calling her. Soon enough, two hands grabbed her shoulders.
- Hey, Pan-chan... Are you ok?
She looked up at Trunks and saw his worry smile, his gleaming eyes. She nodded silently. "You didn't notice either..." she thought.
- Are you going back home? he asked, still holding her.
She nodded again. There was no need to talk... Trunks then proposed to give her a ride and made an air-car appear in the street when she just shrugged.
- My lady, he said charmingly as opening the door for her.
- Thanks... she sighed, sitting down.
He jumped to the conductor place. As he was driving the car over the streets, Pan rested her head against the seat and closed her eyes. "It's my fault if his sister is gone..."
- Huh, Pan? Are you ok? You don't look too good...
"I'm sorry Trunks... I should have known..."
- Pan?
"If I had noticed she wasn't doing well, she'd be there now and... And my life wouldn't be such a mess..."
- Hey, Pan...
He gently touched her arm. She opened her eyes suddenly, with a little jump of surprise.
- Are you ok? he asked again, worry.
- Why? she replied, more rudely than she wanted.
- ...Nothing...
- If you don't want to tell me, it's fine but... If you need someone to talk with, I'm there. I just wanted you to know that...
He looked at the road when she turned her face to him, a little surprised. The wind caused by the speed of the air-car was making his purple hair dance on his head and he looked like a little child, with that blue shirt of his... Pan smiled, felt a little blush on her cheeks. "He's so nice..."
- Thanks...
- Anytime, he said, smiling. You know... You're much cuter when you smile then when you stay mute and grumpy.
This time, her cheeks turned to a nice shade of red. A moment passed in silence, then Pan decided to ask him something.
- Trunks... Do you... Feel like it's your fault somehow... That... Bra's dead... I mean...
- If I feel responsible of her death?
- Yeah...
- Well, at the beginning I sure did. I mean, my little sister, committing suicide almost before our eyes and I didn't see it coming. I felt like the dumbest jerk on Earth. Then some time passed and I realised I was wrong. It's not my fault. I mean, I could have seen she was having hard times, of course... But... No one really noticed anything...
- Yeah...
Pan stared at her knees. Now what was she supposed to think? Trunks noticed her preoccupied look.
- Hey, it's no one's fault, he said, gently patting her thigh. Surely not yours.
- But she was my best friend and... I didn't see...
- Hey, Panny...
He stopped the car by the road, took her chin in his hand, forcing her to look at him directly.
- Don't ever think it's your fault, ok? It is not. It's no one's fault! Especially not yours. You're young, Pan, and... You had the accident... You couldn't have seen her...
- I could have seen, before! I...
- Pan!
He took her by the shoulders again, serious.
- I tell you it is not your fault! Do you believe me?
She nodded slightly, her inferior lip shaking. Maybe Trunks was right... She looked into the two skies called his eyes. He really meant it... How she wanted to believe it suddenly. It seemed so true coming from his mouth...
Trunks noticed just when she changed her mind. He didn't show it, but he was proud of the young girl. If she could go through that using the good way, she would have won the fight. A smile appeared on his lips. He was about to turn her loose when she caught his arms, unwilling to get free.
- Eeh, Pan, I can't drive if you hold me.
- Sorry...
She looked down, visibly disappointed. Trunks slowly took his hands off, getting nervous. "Uh uh... I hope she didn't think I would have... Oh man..."
- I... I don't wanna hurt you, Pan-chan, but... I don't want you to have wrong ideas and to get even more hurt later...
A sob strangled the teenager, she rolled up as much as she could on her seat, partially turning back to him.
- Drive me home, she ordered with a broken voice.
- ...Ok.
~~~~~~
Ravens are singing their song of death
My sigh follow the music
But after them yet I will be
Here to sing the song of life
I lost the track
I lost the sight
For a while I had no mind
Wandering around in the Despair Land
Hands showed me the way
Back to reality
Even though it hurt
Even though it scared me
I will win the fight
And survive to the ravens' song
~~~~~~
END
Fanfics
Main
