This is a web site is a collection of jokes
and stories that are so bad that they make you groan out loud. This website
is just starting up so I'm going to need your help. Read through the stories,
choose which ones are the best (or the worst, depending how you look at
it) and tell me. Then, write your own groaner and send
it to me.
Stories and jokes collected by Greg Blankenbehler
Note: Most of these stories have been collected from
the large volume of groaners that are told at campfires around the world
and so are free game as copyrights go. However, some of these stories are
original and copyrighted. In the case of them, you may copy them and tell
them to whom ever you wish. However, if we find that you have published
and are making money on them, legal action may be pursued.
One brisk winter day, Sammy decided to go fishing at the nearby local lake. Benny tried to talk him out of it by pleading that the lake would be frozen over. But Sammy was not to be put off. He said they would take a saw with them and cut a hole in the ice, and perhaps catch every fish in the lake.
So they got their fishing gear and their saw and they went to the lake, and they cut two holes in the ice, and they put their fishing lines into the water, and they sat and they waited, and waited, and waited. Nothing happened. They must have waited for nearly six hours.
Pretty soon, this little kid comes up, chops a hole in the ice with his hatchet, puts in his line, and within a minute he pulls out a really big fish. He puts in his line again, and within another minute, he has another big fish.
After about six or seven fish, Sammy asks him to trade holes. They make the trade, but still Sammy gets nothing and the kid keeps reeling in fish.
Finally, Sammy's curiosity gets the better of him, and he goes over to the kid and says: "How do you do it? Benny and I have been fishing here for six hours and we haven't caught anything, and yet you come here and within minutes you catch all you can carry."
So the kid mutters something unintelligible.
So Sammy said, "What did you say?"
So the kid spits something out into his hand and says:
"You have to keep the worms warm."
Big Elk was the chief of the Grass River Indians. The Grass River Indians were a peaceful and happy tribe who lived in a land of plenty. There was plenty of buffalo, deer, moose, and beaver to feed and clothe them, and the yellow daisies cheered all who saw them. However, it happened one day that the buffalo, deer, moose, and beaver moved away. Only the yellow daisies remained, and they seemed smaller. With the disappearance of the buffalo, deer, moose, and beaver, the people became very hungry and cold, and complained to Big Elk. At last Big Elk decided to send out his three sons: Gentle Fawn with a disposition like an angry Grizzly Bear when awakened in the morning, Falling Rock, and Fast Arrow with the speed like an aged turtle, to see if they could find where the buffalo, moose, deer, and beaver had migrated to. Gentle Fawn with a disposition like an angry Grizzly Bear when awakened in the morning decided to search the north to the land of the lakes, Falling Rock decided to search out the mountains to the West, and Fast Arrow with the speed like an aged turtle decided to search out the grasslands to the south.
After about a month, Fast Arrow with the speed like an aged turtle returned with a few rabbits and prairie dogs, but his report was that there was very little game to the south.
After another month, Gentle Fawn with a disposition like an angry Grizzly Bear when awakened in the morning returned with a couple of ducks and geese, but his report was likewise discouraging; only a few waterfowl in the land of the lakes.
After another three or four months the game population seemed to pick up somewhat, however, there was no word from Falling Rock, so Big Elk sent out search parties. Gentle Fawn with a disposition like an angry Grizzly Bear when awakened in the morning and Fast Arrow with the speed like an aged turtle searched the hills diligently with no results. Finally, the entire tribe began posting signs all over the country, and some of those signs can be seen today:
"Watch for Falling Rock."
Sammy Baloni and Arty Cataloni were friends and fellow gang members of the local mob. But it happened that Sammy had a wife that he just could not get along with. They were always fighting. One day they got into a big fight and Sammy made up his mind that he just had to get rid of her; he had to have her killed. Since obviously he couldn't commit the murder himself, he convinced his friend Arty do it for a dollar.
Arty tracked Sammy's wife for about a month, and he observed that she always went to Steve's Supermarket every Monday and Thursday very early in the morning.
So one fine Monday morning, Arty followed her into Steve's Supermarket to the produce department where he proceeded to strangle her. Unfortunately, Georgie, the produce clerk, happened to see him kill Mrs. Baloni, so he had to strangle poor Georgie too. But old Mrs. Teller saw him kill poor Georgie, so he had to strangle her too. By this time, the police arrived and they arrested Arty and carried him off to jail.
And so it happened that the next day, the newspapers carried the headlines:
"Arty chokes three for a dollar at
Steve's Supermarket."
Once upon a time I went bear hunting up in the old ironwood mountains, up in Alaska. I had this big old flintlock rife, and I was tromping through the woods, when I spied this big old grizzly bear. Well, I drew a bead on him, pulled the trigger, and I hit him in the head, smack between the eyes, and knocked him down, but I didn't kill him. He got back up off the ground, and was he ever mad! He was after me like a shot. Well, I found this tall skinny tree with small limbs sticking out of it all the way from the ground to the top, and up I went. The bear was right behind me, but the small limbs wouldn't hold his weight, and he fell back to the ground. So, there we were--I was up in the top of the tree looking down at him and grinning, and he was sitting down on the ground looking up at me and snarling. Then he got up and started shaking the tree. I thought for sure I was a goner, but the tree held, and I held on for dear life. After about an hour of shaking the tree, the bear finally gave up and lumbered off.
He was gone for about an hour, and just as I had built up my courage and was getting down, I saw the trees rumbling again and here he came back again, this time with a bigger grizzly, both of them looking mean and hungry, so back up I went, and they both commenced to shake the tree. And one would shake the tree while the other would try climbing nearby trees and jumping over to my tree. The tree quivered and shook, and the bears snarled and growled, but the tree held, and there I was, firmly entrenched in the top. Then they sat there for a while looking up at me, and I'm still up there looking down at them and grinning. Finally, they gave up and lumbered off.
After about an hour, and I'm still
up there in the top of that tree, I saw the forest begin to rumble again.
This time there were three bears: the original bear, his big brother, and
the biggest bear I had ever saw. But that wasn't what had me worried--what
had me worried was the beavers that they each had under their arms!
Once upon a time, many years ago, there was a castle, far back in the hinterlands of Germany, which had a moat that completely surrounded the castle.
As the years passed, a peculiar thing happened; a strange yellow plant, sort of halfway between a reed and a grapevine with long thorns, started growing in the moat. The residents of the castle called them yellow fingers because they had a yellow cat-tail type of flower. In a very short time, these yellow fingers choked out the moat altogether such that the moat looked like an impassable weed patch or briar patch. It protected the castle better than the moat did, but it sure did look scroungy. Then the yellow fingers started overgrowing the drawbridge.
A gardener was sent to trim back the yellow fingers from the drawbridge. However, just as soon as he started swinging his sickle, the yellow fingers grabbed him, screaming and hollering in pain, and he was never seen after that. A search party was sent out to find him, and one of the search party tried to peer into the moat from the drawbridge, but somehow the yellow fingers seemed to wrap around him and drag him off the drawbridge into the thicket too. The rest of the search party fled in terror.
When they reported back the Baron, he became very upset. He called his knights together and commanded them to rid the moat of the yellow fingers altogether. They were not all that appealing to look at, a real minus to the tourist business, and the Baroness and the ladies did not like them.
So some of the knights sharpened up their swords, and went out to the moat to start whacking on weeds. But to their surprise, the yellow fingers grabbed one of the knights, pulled him into the thicket, and that was the last they saw of him. There were some screams of pain, and then silence.
With that, the knights went back to the armory, put on their suits of armor, and went back to try again. (Heavy iron armor is not the correct dress for whacking weeds!) Once again, as soon as they started whacking on the yellow fingers, the yellow fingers started grabbing for them, and managed to snag two or three of them, and again screams of pain and then silence. They were completely gone.
Well, the Baron of the castle became very concerned about this. After all, it was hard on the tourism business, the castle personnel were upset about it, and the ladies of the castle could not go out shopping. So, one of the bravest of his knights offered to go out to the town and seek help. He got as far as the drawbridge and the yellow fingers snatched him and he was gone. Then, a second knight offered to try. He said that he was fast, and that he might be able to get through by his speed. His speed got him halfway across the drawbridge before the yellow fingers got him. Another thought that he might get across at night because the yellow fingers couldn't see at night. He didn't even make it onto the drawbridge. Then one day an ambitious, impetuous (and impatient) young page volunteered to try to escape and seek help from the town. (Besides, he had a hot date that night.) The king tried to talk him out of this foolhardy attempt, but the page was insistent (and fast). So the Baron reluctantly agreed since there was really nothing else he could do. The page had absolutely no problems crossing the drawbridge, the ugly yellow fingers didn't even move. It was almost as if they were his friends.
And it was only then that the baron
learned that he had to stay home and let his pages do the walking through
the yellow fingers.
Once upon a time there was a small fertile valley in a small country, and this small valley was populated by two different populations; one was a set of giants, and the other a set of midgets called Trids. Now it so happened that both populations were very friendly and good natured, except that the giants developed a compulsion to kick the Trids. This compulsion became so prevalent that the Trids finally had to flee to the mountains for their lives.
However, the valley was very fertile , and a very desirable place to in which to live, so after several years the Trids selected one of their number as an ambassador to return to their valley to see if the giant's malady had been cured and they could return. However, he didn't last long, the victim of excessive kicks. So they waited another several years and they sent out a second ambassador, however, as soon as he returned to the valley he met with the same reception. Finally , after another several years, an outsider, a rabbi, not a Trid, agreed to serve as ambassador to help the poor little fellows return to their homes. The rabbi met with great friendliness and hospitality among the giants. They wondered what had happened to the little guys, and said that they were certainly welcome to come back whenever they wanted. So the rabbi reported back to the Trids that the giants were again friendly, and that they could return to their homeland. However, the moment the Trids showed up, the giants immediately began kicking them. The rabbi was astounded!
In amazement the rabbi asked the giants about it. He said, "You giants are very friendly, very good natured, and very hospitable, and you have been very good and kind with me. But you pick on these poor little Trids, and you always kick them, but nobody ever kicked me. Why is that?"
Whereby, all the giants cheerfully
responded, "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"
Arnie, Bennie, and Sammy were three boys who lived back in the hills among the old played-out mines. They were eager adventurous boys, full of life, vim, vigor, and vitality.
One bright sunny afternoon, they decided to explore one of the mines, so they went up into the hills to one of the well-known mines. The mine was dangerous, so it was boarded shut, but the three boys were able to pry open some of the boards, enough so that they could get inside.
Once inside, they explored one of the shafts, looking at all of the rooms off of the main shaft. They observed that there were heavy wooden posts holding up the ceiling; however, these heavy wooden posts were rotten and about to collapse. There was one room, just a little room, but it opened to the shaft through the ceiling. Arnie scrambled up into the room, and Bennie was about to scramble into the room when his foot slipped, and he fell against one of the posts, and the post crumbled, and the ceiling started caving in. Immediately, Sammy and Bennie started running out of the mine. Sammie ran with all he had, the ceiling caving in close behind him. When he came to the boards at the entrance, he threw himself against them, and they burst open, letting him out, and he ran down to the town to get help.
The men of the town recognized the grave situation immediately, and came running up to the old mine with picks and shovels, and immediately set to work cleaning out the rubble to rescue the other two boys. Shortly into the mine, they found Bennie, under a lot of rubble. He was still alive, so they sent him to the hospital, and they continued, looking for Arnie. They dug in to where the little room was to see if they could find anything of Arnie's remains, but they couldn't find anything, not even scraps of clothing that he might of worn. Then one of the men observed that there was a kid outside, all bloody and bruised, and dusty and dirty, with torn clothing. Come to find out, the kid was Arnie.
In amazement, they asked him how he got there. He said that when the cave-in occurred, he found he was in a little pocket, so he yelled and yelled and yelled until he was worn out. And once out, he sat down to rest, and that was where they found him.
In amazement they asked him how he
got there. "Well," he said, "When the roof caved in, I found that a post
had fallen over the way out of the room, and that I was trapped. So I struck
the board with all of my strength, but it still didn't budge. So I struck
it a second time, and then a third; and everybody knows, three strikes
and your out." (ending c/o GTB)
It was a windy and stormy day, a day not fit for man or beast. The house was old and weather worn and in sore need of painting. The windows were dirty and streaked by the weather. The old woman who lived there was in poor health, and she could no longer go up or down stairs. Consequently, neither the upper or lower floors were in use. She lived (or rather existed) on the first floor. She had an elder lady who helped her to cook and clean, but she was in rather poor help herself.
But on the day in question, her help was away on some errand when the telephone, and on the line, a gravelly voice with a strange accent said: "I am de Viper. I am coming." The old lady was terrified! She fell back into her chair, but just then, the light all went out, plunging the house into darkness. There were flashes of lightning and claps of thunder all around. She found some candles to light up the house a little but then the phone rang again.
"I am de Viper. I be der soon." The connection terminated. The old lady was scared out of her wits! She tried to call 911 but the phone remained silent . She fearfully retreated to a back corner of the house, fearing the worst.
Much too soon, there was a banging
on the door. The old lady cowered in her corner, too frightened to even
move. Then the banging stopped, but only for a short time. Then it started
up again, and then nothing. The old lady was too frightened to even scream.
Then, just as suddenly, the door burst open and a tiny old man with a familiar
gravelly voice entered the house saying: "I am de Viper und I come to vash
and vipe de vindows."
Once upon a time there was an ambitious enterprising young man who was very short of stature, but long of courage and ambition. He was very small and lightweight, but he wanted with all of his heart to become a knight in shining armor, to defend his country against wicked aggressors and foul tyrants, and to rescue sweet young maidens in distress. However, his short stature was a handicap to his ambitions.
He lived in the hill country of southern Germany, and he was told by his local priest that if he lived a life of strict purity, and if he would do benevolent acts of kindness, and give alms to the poor, his ambitions would be realized, so he proceeded to do exactly that. He wandered all through the hills and mountains of southern Germany and Switzerland, searching for good deeds to do. But to be a knight, he also needed a suit of armor, and he needed a horse for transportation.
Soon, his efforts came to the attention of the king, and the king called him to the castle, where young Bernard explained his ambitions and efforts thus far. The king was impressed with his efforts and ambitions, and so enrolled him in knight school. Young Bernard excelled in everything he was taught or he was asked to do, and soon the time came for young Bernard to be knighted. So young Bernard became Sir Bernard, and the king rewarded him with a horse and a suit of armor, and also a dog for company--a big dog. (The dog had been eating the king out of house and home, or in this case castle and home.)
He sent young Sir Bernard back into the hill country again to continue his acts of kindness and good deeds, and also to protect the southern border that faced the Swiss. They had particularly good relations with the Swiss, and Sir Bernard had an especially good reputation and good relations with the Swiss. The also king wanted to get the dog as far away as possible.
Because of his good deeds, particularly of rescuing people who became lost in snow storms or became stranded in the snow, Sir Bernard sometimes was referred to as Saint Bernard, and this was particularly appropriate for the dog.
It happened one day that a fiercesome storm arose which caused some flooding in some of the valleys, and so Sir Bernard rushed to help the flood victims with whatever assistance he could provide. Between Sir Bernard, his horse, and his dog, they were able to reach many people in safety. However, there was one wagon which became lodged in some mud, so Sir Bernard hitched his horse up to the wagon and they pulled the wagon out of the mud. Since the wagon was heavy, Sir Bernard let the people keep the horse until they could get the wagon to safety on high ground, and they promised to faithfully return the horse as soon as they could. And Sir Bernard and his dog continued to assist people. Finally, after it got dark and everyone was rescued, a weary Sir Bernard and his dog straggled to a hotel they knew about at the top of a hill. However, since Sir Bernard was dog tired, and since he was so small, he climbed on the back of his dog and rode the dog to the hotel.
When he knocked on the door of the hotel, the proprietor looked at him and invited him in, even though the hotel was completely filled, and fed him and gave him his own room and bed. The wife of the proprietor was incensed; she was beside herself with anger. She berated him with, "How could you do that? How could you let them into this hotel, as wet and muddy and dirty as they are?! We will never get this place cleaned up again! And how could you give them our own room?!! What is the world could possibly possess you to do a thing like that?!"
The proprietor tried to explain to
his wife: "When I saw them, my heart just melted. I could never send a
knight out on a dog like this."
Benny and Sammy Friend were brothers, and they were very close all during their lives. They owned and operated a nightclub, and were quite prosperous. However, Benny was the type who was trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent all of his life, whereas Sammy was a liar, a cheat, and a thief all of his life.
Alas, the time came and Benny and his brother departed from this life. At judgment, Bennie was issued his white cap and gown, his halo and his harp. Sammy, of course, received quite a different reward.
Things were going pretty good for Bennie, except that he found himself very lonesome for Sammy. So finally one day he asked the keeper of the Pearly Gates if he might go down and visit with Sammy. The gatekeeper hesitated, then reluctantly gave his permission, but he said Bennie would have to sign out when he left, and sign in by midnight or he would not be allowed back in.
So Bennie went down to visit Sammy, and he found that
