By Mystfaery
Disclaimer: I don't own them, I don't even own the idea it's from another challenge I read and can't remember where.
NB: this gets dark, very dark, dealing with suicide and self-mutilation. I would like to mention on a side note, I believe suicide is a very selfish thing and there is *always* another option. The fic does end happily through, so preserver. This was just stuck in my mind for ages and so I wrote it.
Couples: B/A (of course can I write anything else?) X/A, W/O/T (yes they are all together, I can't decide who I like best with Willow) minor mentions of B/R and B/P
-I will be getting the next part of both Childhood and Whose child is this? out this weekend if all goes according to plan.
-Don't even ask about the title, it needed to be called something so Rebirth it is.
Rating: Generally pretty mild. Part one definitely R rated but the rests about the same as normal Buffy.
Feedback: as usual- a must have, I guess during the middle of this you will be wanting to cause me harm and so I'm sorry about that, but write me feedback about why you don't like it.

Prologue:

"Thank you" Buffy handed the rough taxi driver who had driven her from Sunnydale to LA his money. She squared her shoulders and looked at AI. The office and apartment shouldn't be so imposing, she had being here several times before, however the blonde would rather not think of those times. The news she bore would both destroy and hopefully rebuild everything. A faint buzz in her head signalled that the reason for her existence was home. The door opened easily as she pushed it and called out softly "Hello? Anyone here?" with no reply forthcoming she entered into the office. Cordelia's desk was messy but the ex-spring queen was missing. Entering Angel's office, Buffy's attention was caught by a bright pink post-it. Reading it Buffy learnt Cordelia was out for lunch.

Realising that Angel must be downstairs, Buffy walked to the elevator, taking herself down she entered his apartment. It hurt her the mere fact that he had built such a good life away from her. But maybe the knowledge she now had could change all of that. She heard a faint sound in the bedroom and knocking lightly on the door, entered.

Her heart stopped for a moment, she stumbled as through physically struck, and she gasped for breath interrupting the couple on the bed. Angel's arms wrapped protectively around the petite blonde on the bed, as they had once around her. The other woman's chest heaved –she was obviously human.

The dark vampire looked at Buffy in shock. The Slayer's face was deathly pale; she murmured an apology and then bolted. Her action galvanised Angel who pulled on his pants and followed her running form. He caught up with her at the Elevator. Angel pulled her around to face him. "Buffy, I...I'm sorry is the only thing I can say. I never meant for this to happen. But I'm not perfect."

Buffy looked up at him, her eyes glistened with unshed tears and her face was full of heartbreak. "I have one question, how come it's all right for you to take her into your bed, but not okay for you to be with me, with the one you said you loved?"

Angel had no answer and watched helplessly as she walked into the lift- her body stooped and broken- and out of his life.

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Part one:

Buffy entered her apartment. She lived alone, was alone basically apart from Anya and Xander who visited occasionally and Spike was she slayed with. Willow, Tara and Oz had all moved to New York and were now living their perfect little life in the suburbs, with the babies on the way, both Willow and Tara carrying one and their little computer company, all perfect.

The slayer slowly heated herself a microwave meal and ate it as if in a dream. Standing she entered the bathroom, a turn of the knob turned the shower on, as the water heated up she slid out of her dress. It was new; Anya and her had gone shopping yesterday looking for the right thing to make an impression, not that it mattered now. She turned and looked at herself in the mirror, her body was a canvas of scars, on her breasts and upper thighs, places no one but her lover would see. Her lover had left her to her 'normal life' five years ago. Carefully she picked out a blade, the small dagger was sharp and fine, she had many weapons like this, and after all she was the Slayer.

She had started the cutting again after Riley, once the memories of what he had given up for her returned, it had happened before after hell and when he came back, but those scars were old and pale one her arms, merely looking like injuries caused by slaying. She was a counsellor. She knew the mental reasons why she did it, all the names and why it was bad, but all she knew was that physical pain eased the torment inside. Her soulmate was sleeping with another woman, she couldn't cry inside her was frozen. She lifted the blade and cut deeply across her inner thigh, the blood mingled with the water and dripped down. She found herself staring at the pulsing veins in her arms *Angel had moved on * the words formed the staccato beat in her head growing faster. She slashed down twice. Buffy stared at the pumping wounds, the drum-beats died and one single thought came clear in her head *I don't want to die.*

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Anya was preparing dinner, over the years she had become relatively domesticated and found a passion for cooking, she was planning to open a restaurant. Xander was basically the perfect partner for this- he always ate everything. He was due back from the base in about an hour. She placed the marinated chicken in the oven when the phone rang slightly alarming her. Shoving the chicken in, she grabbed a cloth and picked up the phone "Hi, I'm busy, can I help you? Or you can ring back later."

"Anya, it's me, Buffy. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to, I mean Angel's moved on, but I've got so much more in my life including my destiny."

Anya's voice was worried the meal forgotten "Buffy, tell me what's wrong? What did you do? Angel's not worth it what ever you did."

"I didn't mean to." The Slayer's voice was slurred "he doesn't love me anymore and now there's all this blood. I don't want to die."

"Oh, by D'Hofferyn. Buffy stay with me 'k? Think of all the good times we've had and you had with Angel, don't fall asleep. I'm calling an ambulance and then coming over. Can you get a towel or something for the blood?"

"So much blood" Buffy garbled "all over everything including the dress, I'm sorry about th..." the rest of her words were cut off as a panicked Anya slammed the phone down dialling 111. Organising an ambulance, she grabbed her keys and ran out of the house.

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Part two:

The hospital was bright as Anya waited with Xander sitting beside her. Spike would arrive as soon as he had done a quick patrol. They were waiting for any news on Buffy's condition. A Doctor walked into the waiting room stopping in front of the couple "Ms Anya Summers?" she queried. Because of the hospital rule that said only family could hear of the patient's status Anya had said she was Buffy's half sister. At Anya's nod the doctor continued "Dr Summers is in a stable condition and will be physically fine. However she will have top undergo a psychiatric review, although the mere fact she called you is good, it indicates that she doesn't really want to die."

Xander clasping a shell-shocked Anya's hand spoke up "Do you have any idea why she would want to do something like" His voice cracked "this?"

"My guess is as good as yours, however I would hypothesis this had been building up for some time judging by her scars but something set her off."

Anya looked at the doctor harshly "You mean some recent important or traumatic event related to the past?"

"Most probably the self-hate was growing and something she found out or was told pushed her over the edge."

"Angel! That goddamn bastard. Ooo if I had my powers I'd do something to him that'd make D'Hofferyn cringe." Anya stormed away leaving the Doctor and Xander staring after her

"She's very...upset." Xander offered as a weak excuse.

-------------------

Anya reached a phone and pulling out some change and an old battered business card rang AI "Angel Investigations, how may I help you?" Cordelia's voice was polite and fake.

"Hello, Cordelia. It's Anya, if you want to you can tell you goddamn whore of a boss that it's his lying cheating own fault Buffy is in hospital. He screwed her over royally."

"Oh my god, Buffy's in hospital? What happened? How is she? Wait a moment" Cordelia's voice sounded defensive "How's it Angel's fault? He's being here for like the past day moping for some reason."

Anya's voice rose "Of course it's his fault!" people looked at her, contrary to popular opinion she could feel embarrassment and so lowered her tone to say bitterly "It's always about Angel with Buffy, it always has been. As to why it's his fault this time, she tried to kill herself because her precious Angel moved on, she said he doesn't love her anymore. Did you know for the past three years since she broke up with Riley, lost Giles and her mother, that's been the only thing that kept her going. She couldn't take it anymore and it's all that bastard's fault. So, don't you dare defend him, he destroyed her."

She slammed down the phone, and her anger drained out of her leaving an incredible worry. "Excuse me, miss? May I use the phone? Child?" the voice of an elderly man intruded into her pain. "Sorry, I was just leaving."

He held her arm tight "Anyanka," her head whipped around to look at him his voice was powerful making her listen "You need not worry, her destiny and yours is far from over. They will be reunited, the good will sing and the dark will hide."

"Sorry, what did you say?"

The elderly man's face was gentle now, no longer as arresting as it had been a minute ago and his voice when he spoke was soft "I said could you please move?"

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"Angel!" Cordelia's voice sounded throughout his apartment. A faint groaning could be heard in the living room. the ex-cheerleader strode forcefully into the dark room. Her boss and best friend was a picture of misery, slumped on the couch. She walked over to the sink and chose a glass, filling it with water. She moved back over to beside the near comatose half-vampire and up-ended the glass on his pitiful form. Angel shot upright, clutching his head in response to the sudden movement.

"You moron, it's all your fault, you could have gone back to Buffy, but no, you still had to be all 'I don't deserve her' and became a male slut. I doubt you sleeping with every blonde you meet was what the oracles had in mind when they granted you the ability to appear human. You were meant to be able to save more souls, including in the sunlight, but you've caused one soul to many to get hurt."

Angel grimaced at her loud voice "Can you please be quieter?"

Cordelia's expression was infuriated "Serves you right, you deserve that and more for what you've done. have you ever given a thought to all the girls you constantly take into your bed and just use. I've kept quiet until now but do you? And what about the effects it has on everyone. Including Buffy."

"Why can't I get some peace and the freedom to move on." Angel spoke up in his defence "She did a while ago, Parker and Riley, remember them? Why is she allowed to move on but I try to forget and do the same and you attack me. So she saw that girl and me. No big deal."

Cordelia exploded "That's it! You are the most selfish man I have ever met, and believe me I've gone out with some bastards. Open your eyes to the truth, she *never* moved on. Buffy broke up with Riley about 3 years ago because she was still in love with you. She has *no one* really in her life. It was her greatest fear she would be alone and she is. Then she found out that the person who she always had faith loved her, had *moved* on, can you imagine the pain? It's your fault she's in hospital and what are you doing about it? Drinking yourself into oblivion. *Again*. Great life choice."

"What do you mean in hospital?"

"She's hurt, what do you think in hospital means? So, if you give a damn get your ass there, I don't care it's your choice," her voice was softer but still angry " maybe you'll manage to screw things up even more." Cordelia turned and walked out, not looking back, to see a badly dishevelled Angel with a destroyed expression on his face.

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Angel POV:

I never thought anything like this could happen. I knew Buffy getting hurt was always a possibility but I never really thought it could happen. Cordy's right, I don't give a damn about any of the girls I use. I'm just trying to forget Buffy, to try and dull the pain. I thought she was still with Riley when I was given the semi-human thing two years ago. No one contacted her and my anger overwhelmed me.

I wonder what happened? Was she upset in the graveyard and a demon defeated her because she was too upset? Or was it something more mundane like an out of control driver. The mere idea or living in a world where she isn't out there somewhere is daunting. She's the first person I truly loved and still the only person I could ever belong to. My time here in LA has taught me to care for other, but only strengthened my love for her. I have no choice, - when did I ever when it came to Buffy? - I have to go to Sunnydale.

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Part three:

Spike sauntered into Sunnydale General, he had being in the hospital many times over the years, mostly for minor injuries suffered to the slayer like the odd broken bone and thus the layout was familiar to him. Anya's voice on his answering machine had sounded frantic and so he was worried. He smiled politely at the receptionist and asked for the room of Buffy Anne Summers. The lady smiled back and gave him the room number. Intensive care unit. His worry grew; Spike entered the waiting room to see the worried faces of Anya and Xander. He sat down and asked in a feeble attempt to lighten the situation. "So, what mess did the slayer get herself into this time?"

Looking at them he felt his heart sink, Xander turned his face away to hide tears that were welling up in his eyes. Anya's face was a mask of fury. Over the years –ever since the chip- he had come to care for them and Buffy.

A clatter of heels was heard from the hallway as Cordelia skidded into the room "oh my god. What the hell happened? Care to explain why I just yelled at Angel and how Buffy is?"

Spike drawled "that was what I was just about to find out."

"Angel like a typical man is sleeping with another woman. "Anya blurted "Buffy found out and instead of cursing him like a normal woman tried to kill herself."

"What?!" Spike's voice sounded throughout the room as he yelped in outrage. Cordelia who already knew that much shushed him. "I mean why would Slayer do something as moronic as that over my poof of a sire?"

Xander seemed slumped into himself as he clung to his girlfriend who again bluntly stated the facts "The doctor said she had scars from old self-mutilation in places we would never see. She was alone and... I don't know anymore."

"she loves him." Xander spoke up. "she always has. Seeing him with another girl would destroy her. Her belief in his love for her is the main thing that kept her slaying..." His voice dropped "...kept her alive."

"And my idiot of a boss destroyed that belief and her life with one of his endless succession of meaningless flings."

"Has anyone rang the witches and the wolf about Slayer?"

"No, Xander should do it, he's always being such a good friend to both Buffy and Willow. Now can someone tell me how she is?"

Xander had re-slumped over after his little out burst and Anya answered the query "We can ask the doctor to go into detail again, but the gist is that she's fine physically they got there in time, thank D'Hofferyn. The thing is she's still out of it mentally. we can wait out here until she wants to see us, but they can't let us in if she doesn't want us to see her, and at the moment she just wants to be alone. I've seen men screw women up, but this is one of the worst responses I'm ...I'm *worried* and so angry at that bastard."

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Part four:

Angel with one of his numerous black dusters streaming out behind him strode down the hall. He had come as soon as it was dark. He had a fiercely worried expression on his face. He bolted into the ICU only to be greeted by 4 hard faces.

"What's wrong with Buffy?" his voice was frantic,

"Like you care." Anya walked up to him, the expression on her face was reminiscent of Anyanka, her voice harsh and cruel "She's in here because your a male slut, because you left her for her own good, because you made her love you and she had to send you to hell. *It's all your fault* Why are you even here?" her voice was near screaming by this time and the others stood by watching with blank faces.

Cordy feeling a sense of loyalty towards the man who had helped her so much, spoke up in Angel's defence "He thought she had moved on, y'know the mess with Riley and Parker and was trying to do the same."

Any rounded on her "Ohh, yes, I forgot she had 'moved on' *right* The fact that she never slept with Riley and backed out with Parker, meant her life was wonderful didn't it?" she turned her wrath back onto Angel "Bet you though she was some kind of slut right? no man has ever truly touched her apart from you. Get it? She...never...slept...with...either Riley or Parker. Parker lied about it and so did she. She only said she 'loved' and 'trusted' Riley to hurt you because she was jealous of Faith. And..."

"Anya." A quiet voice interrupted her tirade. They all turned to see Buffy pale and standing weakly in the doorway "That's enough, leave him alone."

"But I was just..."

"...taking out your worry about me on him. I'm fine. He doesn't deserve anything like that...ever...from any of you." She turned and stared at each in turn "understand?"

the sound of various yes's was heard in the room. Pale and weak but regal Buffy inclined her head and turned before she ever so gracefully...collapsed.

Angel rushed forward, halting her fell before she hit the ground. He gently lifted her light form up and held her like a treasure. He was still confused as to what exactly had happened, but the petite blond in his arms was the most important thing. Angel carried his precious load into her room and laid her down on the bed, pulling her covers up over her. He leant down and kissed her forehead and turned to leave, but Buffy roused and murmured "Don't go." Before she relapsed into unconsciousness.

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"I can't believe we just let him stay in there with her." The ex-demon was infuriated. "He's to blame, stupid bloody men."

"Pet, Slayer asked us to leave him alone. It's her decision."

Cordy put in her ten cents "Besides look at the poor guy, he cares for her. I mean it's being hours and he's just sitting there staring at her and holding her hand."

"Anya." Xander's voice was resigned "he may have hurt her, but she needs him now more than ever, I hated Angel to begin with, I was so jealous but they both love each other more than I can imagine. We'll go home now, Buffy's fine and all she needs now is Angel."

The ex-demoness started to protest.

"No, we aren't of any use here, we can come back later." Xander led a still protesting Anya out of the hospital.

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Part five:

Buffy's POV:

I sense him, he's in my room - most probably right beside my bed. I wonder if he knows the truth about why I'm ion here. Will he be disappointed in me? Think I'm weak? Why do I still care so much? As I told him once I hate that I love him so much, that I can't stop, that he can hurt me so badly. But I love him too much. I have to wake up... even if it's only to say good bye again.

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Slowly Buffy stirred on the bed, beside her Angel stared at her clutching her hand more tightly. She breathed his name and his heart leapt. The slayer woke up slowly, stretching herself. Suddenly awake she jerked her hand away from Angel's and her face tensed up. "What do you want? Shouldn't you be with your little blonde bimbo?"

Angel's body slumped "I'm sorry, she didn't mean anything, neither did any of the other girls I've slept with." I told you once I had only ever truly loved one person in my whole existence and that person was you. That's still true, now more than ever. I was hurt I thought you had moved on so I tried to forget you. But you're too far in my heart, too much a part of me. So all I can ask is that you forgive me. I need you. The mere idea that I may have to live in a world where there isn't the sunshine that is you out there somewhere, terrifies me more than anything."

Buffy had started crying during his speech and she reached out for him "I forgive you, I'll always forgive you."

"Buffy, I'll never do anything to hurt you again"

she looked deeply into his eyes "Of course you will." Angel moved to rebut her, but she placed her fingers on his lips. "You're far more human than you know. It's the nature of relationships to cause pain. It makes the good types so much better. But if you truly love someone no matter what they do, you will always forgive them. Wow, I sounded so deep." She glanced down at her body "Look at us, normal people get back together by using a phone, but we had to have a near death experience and a reunion in Sunnydale General Hospital with me in my long Pjs. The height of bed-ware fashion."

Angel smiled then sobered "I meant what I said about leaving."

"I know, but for now you better leave before the sun rises."

"I can stay, it's one of the gifts the oracles gave me. As I achieve my redemption, I become more human."

"You're gonna be human? As in picnics in the sun, family and a dog human?"

"Yes."

"I love you so much, but that never really mattered to me. I want my life to be with you." Buffy stopped stunned by the sense of deja vu. Five years ago she had said those words to him and her had destroyed her world.

"I do too more than anything."

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Part Six:

Angel buoyed up by getting back together with Buffy steeped out of her room where she was sleeping to find some coffee, he had been awake all night and a disadvantage of becoming human was the need for sleep. But he didn't want to miss a moment at her side for the time being. A doctor was looking at Buffy's chart and worried about her Angel questioned her "Could you possibly tell me the status of Buffy Summers?"

"What's your relationship to the patient?"

"Long term Boyfriend."

The doctor looked bemused "If you're her boyfriend I don't know how you missed the signs."

Angel had a worriedly confused expression on his face "What signs? Of what?"

"of her self-hate, most specifically the cutting. I have to say the scars are very impressive, most probably dating back quite a few years." She paused "as you know, Buffy's being working here part-time as a counsellor. To think that she is this troubled. I don't know what set off the suicide attempt, but it's a good sign that she rang her friend." The doctor noticed his face, it was fierce "She will be fine although she will need some counselling."

*Buffy tried to kill herself, Buffy tried to kill herself* the words beat a tempo in Angel's head and he barely noticed himself saying goodbye to the Doctor.

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Part seven:

Angel quickly walked back to Buffy's room finding her in bed awake now and reading a magazine. He stormed over to her and lifting her arm pulled down her sleeve. He paused at the sight of the cut marks with their neat stitches and gauze marring the perfect skin. He pulled up the other arm despite Buffy's protests. His anger burnt though him like a stampede. "What the hell are these?!"

Buffy jerked her arms away from him, cringing into the bed "They're nothing, just leave me alone."

"My God, it's true you tried to kill yourself. Why are you so moronic to do something so unbelievably selfish. All you can think of is yourself. Did you even give a though as to how this would effect anyone else?"

Buffy was in tears " I spent the past eight years doing what was best for everyone. I gave up my life to slay so the ordinary girls who laughed at me could have their happy little normal lives. I sent my lover to hell, surely you remember that huh? I got him back and lost him again not once but twice. I almost died for him for you and you still left. And then I had to deal with everyone leaving me behind, moving away and being able to forget. I can't forget. I *never* forget anything.

You call me selfish because I wanted to escape the living hell my life has become, because I hate myself, despise my existence. I'm not the one who claimed to love someone and walked out of their life not looking back. And you call me selfish? Maybe I am. "Her voice grew softer "But can you really blame me for wanting to escape?"

Angel looked at Buffy, for the first time truly since he had seen her in the hospital. He saw not the vibrant schoolgirl she was in his head, but a tired broken woman whose eyes spoke of the pain, a woman old before her time, a woman who only wanted it over, the loneliness the pain and the fighting all over. He felt the last of his anger slip away "I'm sorry baby, it's just that I love you so much, finding out that you thought yourself worthless hurt me and made me so mad at you and the world. Can you possibly forgive me?"

Buffy smiled through her tears "I told you already, I'll forgive you, no matter what...because I love you."

Angel sat down on the bed next to her and brought her frail form close to his "I love you more than I ever thought possible and we will get though this Baby."

"I know I love you too." For a moment her eyes sparkled with something that looked like her old mischief "Just one thing" she burst into song "I belong to me, so don't call me baby." She leant into kiss him. And to both of them it felt as if they had come home at last. It would hurt, and they had to talk more, but they would get through this, it was destined.

THE END