When I was little, Mamaw used to crochet and make things. She made me several pillows and she would draw little things on them with crayons. I loved those pillows. She used to take me to all kind of fun places and we would have a blast. She, like my dad, was not used to having a little girl around because she raised three boys and my dad only had boys, so I was a tomboy when I was around her. She thought nothing of me getting completely filthy from head to toe... That's why I loved going over to her house so much. :)

I remember when I started my period. I was at her house and I was so upset. I was only like eight years old, which was way too early, but it is the truth. I said to her, "Mamaw, please don't tell Papaw." I was so embarassed. So she just walked to the door and said, "Eddie, we are going to the store to buy some FEMINE PRODUCTS (she even yelled the words) for Christie (that's how she spells my name) and we will be back soon." I could have died right there on the spot. Don't even ask me what she yelled out at the store... That's just Mamaw.

Once I grew up and turned into an adult, Mamaw and I remained close. We have always shared everything with each other. Usually I will tell Mamaw something before anyone else in the family knows and see what she says about it. After a few weeks of talking about it, I will then tell someone else in the family, usually my mom. That's because Mamaw doesn't get upset when I do something stupid. She actually laughs. I remember when I started dating Flynn... Mamaw knew about him before anyone else. She knew his age but she didn't say anything to me. She just said, "Be careful." I appreciated that. I trust Mamaw with things about my dad as well. She knows everything that he has done to us kids and she doesn't understand it. Papaw too. I remember talking about my dad once to Papaw and he said that he just didn't know what was wrong with that boy. Why he was doing us like he was. I also talked to him about Barbara. When Mamaw worked at The Shrine Temple, I was working down the street from their house and used to go visit Papaw at lunchtime every single day. He would have 2 frozen dinners in the microwave when I walked in and we would talk about everything. He used to laugh when I would talk about Barbara. He also used to help me out when I would tell him the way she is. She may think that she pulled a fast one on this family but she didn't pull one over on him. I remember him just shaking his head and saying he couldn't believe the things she had done. I know that Papaw is looking down on Barbara now with shame. Shame that she is a part of this family. That's because if the way she has treated Mamaw. She has done some awful things to that poor woman, including cursing at her. I can't believe that I have just sat here and let her do that to my grandmother. I will say here and now that she will NEVER talk to my grandmother the way she has in the past... I simply will not tolerate it. I love my grandmother. I may not have been the prize granddaughter in the past but this is MY family and she is MY grandmother. I have grown up around my grandmother... Barbara hasn't... She was supposed to be an adult from the beginning. I know my grandmother will tell me if Barbara ever treats her badly again. And I will deal with Barbara at that time. Mamaw is getting senile now and starting to lose her memory and doesn't function as well as she used to but she is still a pistol and I love her dearly.

Papaw died in 1997. When he died, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I couldn't believe he was gone. I knew he was dying, like I did with Daddy Jack, but it was a little different with Papaw. The night before he died, I was at the hospital with him alone. He was in ICU on a respirator, so he couldn't talk to me. I was talking to him and I will swear before God that when I started to leave, I told him I loved him and he tried to say it back. The sound came out gurgled but I heard it. And when I turned around, he was looking at me. As I walked out the door, I heard a loud beep and almost passed out. No, he hadn't died; He was squeezing his hand together because the device that tests the oxygen in his blood was on his finger and he knew if he squeezed it, it would make me come back. And I did. He did it everytime I tried to leave until the nurse finally told me to stay as long as I wanted. Papaw was his old self that night. I told him funny stories and he would smile up at me. He could write on a clip-board, too, and he did. I wish I still had that paper but I think my dad has it. Unless Barbara has made him throw it away already. I finally left that night at about 1:00 am. I never let on to Papaw that I was going home... I would tell him that I was going to be in the waiting room, and if he needed anything, to let me know. I couldn't let him think that we all went home and he couldn't go. To be honest, I did sleep in that waiting room on several occasions during those several days he was in ICU. That way, if the doctors needed to do something to him, I would be there to sign for it. My mom didn't like the idea of me there by myself at night but I knew that if something happened, I wanted to be there for him. Several times during the nights I was there, he would wake up and the nurse, Kristy, would come wake me up so I could come see him. The time I had with him then will always be special to me. Anyway, the night I went home at 1:00 am, he was in good spirits. I knew he was doing badly but had a little hope that he would last a few weeks. He died the very next day.

My mother called me that morning and told me to get to the hospital. She said that Papaw had taken a turn for the worst and they didn't have much hope of him making it through the day. I couldn't believe it! I had just seen him about 8 hours before and he seemed okay. So my mom came and got me because I was afraid that if he died, I wouldn't be able to drive. We got there and I walked in and sat down beside his bed. There were a lot of people in the room, friends and family but I didn't say a word. I was too shocked by how he looked. This was not the same Papaw I had left the night before. He looked terrible and now I was scared.

I sat there, holding his hand for a very long time. I don't even know how long but it was a while. After sitting there that long, I all of a sudden had an urge to smoke a cigarette and I couldn't shake the urge. It seemed to overwhelm me and I just had to go outside. I remember asking Barbara to hold his hand so that he would know that someone was there and loved him and then I went outside. He died while I was gone. As a matter of fact, Chris later told me that when Papaw took his last breath, he walked out the door, to avoid the beeping of the machines, and he saw me going out the double doors at the end of the hall. It's like Papaw waited until I was gone to die. Or like God waited until I left the room to take my grandfather from me. That has always made me wonder.

When I got back upstairs, my mother told me that Papaw had died. It was like a force threw me up against the wall. I mean, I didn't fall down screaming or anything but I kind of fell up against the wall. I was so shocked. I mean, I knew he was dying but I wasn't prepared for him to go so soon. It was the first death I had had to face as an adult and I wasn't ready for it.

So, we had the funeral and life went on. But not for me. I struggled to go on. I missed him so much and it was so strange to go see Mamaw and not see Papaw. That was the year I attended Christmas Dinner at Mamaw's. I did it for her. I forgot how it came up but Barbara made a comment about being the one who was holding Papaw's hand when he died. Like she was a saint or something. It just goes to show that she always seems to be present when someone is losing their father. I do not glorify her for holding his hand for those few minutes before he gave up the fight against the cancer. It actually makes me feel good to know that Papaw loved me too much to die while I was there, holding his hand. He waited until I was gone. Now, other people do it differently... Daddy Jack died in my mother's arms but that was because they were close. He trusted her enough to go with her there. I think it was different with Papaw... He didn't want me to see him die. We were so close that he didn't do it while I was there... He waited until Barbara took his hand.

The song I have written and the music you hear now is the song that I wrote and put in Papaw's jacket pocket before his funeral. I still cry when I hear it. It tears me up that Papaw is gone. I never thought I would lose both grandfathers before I was 25 years old but I have. The worst part is that I wasn't even through Papaw being gone when Daddy Jack died, 15 months later. It really hit me hard and I was afraid I was going to lose someone else as well. I was very scared. The next person I lost was my great-grandmother on my mother's side. She passed away a year ago. I hope no one else goes anywhere soon. I don't think I can handle it.

I miss Papaw each and every day. I guess I always will. The first son I have will be named James Edward or Edward James, after both of my grandfathers. As for Mamaw, well, I need to wrap this up here so I can get offline and call her. I haven't spoken to her in about a week and I am sure she has lots to tell me!!!