Oh, why you look so sad? Tears are in your eyes,
Come on and come to me now.
Don't be ashamed to cry, let me see you through,
Cause I've seen the dark side too.
When the night falls on you, you don't know what to do,
Nothing you confess could make me love you less.
I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you, won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.

So, if you're mad get mad, don't hold it all inside,
Come on and talk to me now.
And hey, what you got to hide? I get angry too,
But I'm alot like you.
When you're standing at the crossroads, don't know which path to choose,
Let me come along, cause even if you're wrong,
I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you, won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.
Take me into your darkest hour, and I'll never desert you.
I'll stand by you.

And when, when the night falls on you baby, you're feeling all alone,
You won't be on your own, I'll stand by you.
I'll stand by you, won't let nobody hurt you,
I'll stand by you.
Take me in into your darkest hour and I'll never desert you.
I'll stand by you.

So now we move onto my brother, Chris... He is 5 years older than me and has obviously had a rougher time than me... I know this, even though he has never said it and probably never will. He had to deal with our parents getting divorced at such a critical age: 13. I blame none of the hardships Chris had to face on our mother. I only place blame where it is due: on our father. My mother may have divorced our dad but she really had no choice. I am actually glad she did. She deserved better. But still, if it had only been a divorce Chris had to deal with, I am sure he would have been okay... But that wasn't all he had to face. He had to face the fact that our dad was no longer our dad, or at least in his eyes. We still considered him our dad but for some reason, when they got divorced, it became us who he was divorced from as well. I didnt't understand it and I doubt Chris did. We were too young to understand why our dad didn't wamt anything to do with us. Chris never had the counseling and treatment I had... He would have never opened up to some stranger. Think about it; if he wouldn't even talk our dad about it, why would he talk to some complete stranger???

Chris liked playing football and even did so when we lived in Nashville. Every game he had, my mom and I were there, rooting him on. I remember once he got knocked down and just laid there. We didn't know who it was when he first fell but when they took off his helmet as he laid there, my mother grabbed my arm and dug her nails into it. I just looked at her and have never seen her looking so scared. She said that it was Chris who was hurt and I said, "How do you know? He is so far away", and she said, "A mother knows what the top of her child's head looks like". I ran down there to check on him and the coach said that he was fine. He had had the wind knocked out of him and we needed to take him to a clinic and get him checked out. I ran back up the bleachers. Chris was still laying on the ground and my mother was frantic. I said to her, "He broke his neck". I have no idea why I would say that... I guess because I knew he was okay and didn't think of the reaction she would have. Plus, at eight, my sense of humor was already a little morbid. She freaked and started to run out onto the field. I stopped her and told her I was kidding and she went nuts on me. I don't blame her. I would have killed my child... LoL... Plus, another reason I told her I was kidding is because I had this mental picture of Chris pounding my head into the wall (when he got up) because I had made my momma run out onto the football field in front of all his friends. I look back now and laugh... Not that it was funny... Just comical. I think my dad may have come to a few games but I can't really remember. Chris and I fought a lot when we lived in Nashville and I rememeber one particular night, he was holding me down on the couch, tickling me... This had started out as a pretty mean fight but by now, I was laughing and so was he... I got some strong force of energy in me and threw myself back against him and knocked him down. He fell all the way back and hit his head on the corner of the baseboard and busted it open. This was just life with me... Everytime we would fight, I would usually have to give in and say "Uncle" but the one time I fight back, look what happens. I felt bad and he had to go to the hospital and get stitches. Oops.

One summer we were at my dad's apartment. This was before Barbara was ever even thought of and my dad was dating another woman, Karen. She worked at the office of the apartments so we had access almost anytime to the clubhouse. One night Chris and some of his friends were playing a game of pool. I was bored because Karen's daughter (I forgot her name) wasn't there so I was watching the boys play. Someone commented on how the middle of the pool table was hot and I jumped up to feel it. Chris was about to hit the ball and I ran right into the pool stick with my mouth and broke my front tooth. It hurt really bad and I started screaming and crying. Chris half carried/half dragged me back to my dad's apartment and when my dad saw that I was crying, he started yelling at Chris. Chris calmly told him what happened and my dad started cussing and hollering at him. I thought my dad was going to hit him but he didn't. He just called the dentist at home and had him meet us at his office so he could look at my tooth. The next day, I had it bonded and I was fine. Chris felt so bad. He kept saying how sorry he was. I feel bad now because it wasn't even his fault. He didn't do it on purpose; it was an accident. My dad should have realized that and not yelled at Chris.

When we moved back home, Chris had to deal with a lot. We were back in the house so he had to learn how to fix things. I mean, my mom did too but there were some things even she couldn't do. So Chris learned how to do stuff around the house. I remember around Christmas once, I came home from school and there was a real Christmas tree laying by the side door... I wondered where the tree had come from and went in to ask my mom. Being the domestic mom she was, she proudly told me that she had chopped that tree down herself. When Chris got home, she asked him to bring her tree in. Well, he tried but my mom had chopped down the biggest one she could find and it wouldn't fit into our house!!! So Chris told her we weren't going to be able to have a live tree because it was too big and she got upset because she had been so proud of her tree. So Chris pulled the tree into the back and began cutting away at it until it fit into the house. My mom was so excited, she was jumping around. It was pretty funny, especially that night when we were all awakened by a loud crash in the den and ran in there to find my mom's beautiful live christmas tree on the floor. This was the first out of about 1,000 times that tree fell. It was pretty funny and we never got a live tree again. LoL

My dad had a little to do with me at that time but it seemed he pulled further and further away from Chris. I don't understand that. I have always figured it was because, unlike Chris, I forced my dad to have something to do with me. I wouldn't give him a chance to say no to me. Chris is a lot more quiet and no where near as outspoken as I am so he would just come out and say hi to my dad when he would pick me up... Now don't get me wrong, Chris would come with us sometimes to eat lunch or something but he rarely went to the movies with us. My dad would always talk bad to us about our mother so I figure that's why Chris wanted nothing to do with it.

Now that we are older, Chris has had a few confrontations with my dad. I am proud of him for that. My dad has always thought that it was me who had the problem, not him. He always thought that Chris was on his side against me and my mom but he was wrong. My mom and Chris have a bond that my dad will never know. He has never had a bond with any of his kids that way and I doubt he ever will. He hasn't earned it. My dad has been talking a lot about leaving town to drive a truck... We all know what this really means; that he wants to get away from Barbara. Chris is very upset about it and even said to me, "It seems that everytime we start to get close to dad, she steps in and stops it from happening." He called my dad and told him how he felt. I was so proud of him for that.

I think back to those nights when Chris would come home and we would sit on the front porch and talk about my dad. We would sit there sometimes until 3:00 in the morning talking. I hadn't realized until then that Chris had been hurt too. We grew so close and still maintain that closeness. I remember when we went to see a concert a few years ago... I had so much fun that night!!! It is so cool to be able to go places with my brother and have a blast... When I was little, I couldn't do that because I was a pest to him so it is really neat to me now that we have this "grown-up" relationship. Unlike my dad's side of the family, my mom's side of the family is very close, and since Chris and I were around them so much, we have the same closeness. Just last night, Chris called just to say hi. And he always ends the conversation with, "I love you, Sis". And I know he does. I have been bitching to everyone about my dad not seeming to love me but I have the love of so many other important people... Still, it would still be nice to have my dad's too.

I remember when Chris met the girl he is with now. Her name is Hope. They have been together for almost two years now. He has always run his girlfriends past me and my mom. But I always get to meet them first... That way, if I don't like them, they never get to meet my mom. So I was at work and he brought Hope up there... I liked her right away. And I told him so. She later told me that what attracted her to Chris' family was that we are so close... Well, at least on my mothers' side we are...

So this concludes my story about Chris. He is now one of the only few men in my life that is special to me... Then again, I guess he always has been. What you see here is the card that Chris gave me for my birthday this year. I had to change the colors because it was too light so that's why it is black. This card meant so much to me. Even though we are still battling with the situation of my dad, it showed me that we made it. Through all the fights and growing up together, when there were times I thought we'd never stop fighting, Chris and I are finally close. Of course, we always have been but we were kids and didn't realize it. I used to fear ever getting married because I knew I didn't want my dad to walk me down the aisle... The way I see it, in order to give something away, you had to have had it in your possession first. My dad never had me... So, I know when I finally meet my future husband, Chris will be there to walk me down the aisle... Just as it should be. :)