Nick's View

I never  thought it would turn out this way but in a way I knew it all along. I was in purgatory.  Not a fake purgatory, but the real one. Where you are half way to hell but you are half way to heaven and you have no home. I was not alone. Oh no… I was not alone. I was with Brian, the crazy psychotic killer. Colleen, my one true love. And Sophia, who sang me songs before i went to bed.

"So why are we here?" Colleen asked herself as she floated into the space of purgatory.

"I guess we didn't lead a good life," Brian said thoughtfully. "It's weird though, I never did anything wrong."

"You killed me!" Colleen screamed.

"Yeah, you stabbed me too," I sulked, sitting in the corner. Why couldn't I fly like Colleen?

"But before that I was so good. I just don't understand..."

"It was the cocaine, Brian," Sophia said. "It was the cocaine that made you act the way you did. That's why God didn't send you to hell. Because you were half good. Not completely evil."

"What did I do?" Colleen asked.

"Sex before marriage," Brian answered. "Does it to you every time."

"Damn," Colleen muttered.

"I feel like a cactus is biting me all over," I began to cry.

They all looked at me like I was mad.

"Honey, there's no cactus near you," Sophia said worriedly.

"Oh, but there is," I shuddered, rubbing my hands together. 

"Nick, would you take a look around?!" Sophia screamed, shaking me violently.  "We are in dead space.  There is nothing around us.  You are so fucking stupid."

With that said, I shed one lonely tear.  Sophia always knew how to make me feel all nice and warm inside. 

"Sophia... that was... that was just plain... mean.  We don't play like that in purgatory."

"Holy Christ I need some coke," Brian pleaded, getting down on his knees and praying to God.

The scary thing about Brian was that he wasn't talking about soda... he was talking about DRUGS.  Yes, drugs. 

"Bri, it's really not good for you to be wanting drugs at this time in our lives," Colleen stated.

I began to cry realizing that this wasn't a time in our lives... it was a time in our after-lives. 

"Nick, why in - uhh - your name are you crying?!" Brian demanded, flashing Nick an evil grin.

"Because we're dead, Brian!  We're dead!"

"Oh, yeah.  Damn, that sucks," he nodded, sympathetically. 

All of a sudden a unicorn jumped into my lap.

"Ahhhhhhh, ahhhhhhh. ITS GOING TO KILL ME!"

"You're dead, you idiot!"

Once again that was Sophia screaming. She hates me. She HATES ME.

"Come with me," said the unicorn. "I will save you. I am-"

Before the unicorn could continue speaking, Brian had stabbed it in the back.

"OH my GOD," I screamed in horror. "That's it Brian you're definitely going to hell!"

"Oh no," Col said, her face becoming pale. "Guys, that was no ordinary unicorn."

"What was it, Col?" I asked curiously.

"It was an ANGEL," she whispered, her eyes afraid.  "An angel sent by God."

"You killed an ANGEL!" Sophia screamed at Brian furiously. "How could you?!  Now we're never getting out of here!"

"Oh damn," Brian began to sob. "Oh no. I'm gonna be sent to hell."

"I'm just glad it doesn't affect the rest of us, cause I really don't wanna go to hell," Sophia mumbled, filing her nails.

"Hey, how'd you get a nail file?! This is so cool!" I shouted with delight, grabbing it out of her hands and beginning to chew on it viciously.

"What the fuck are you doing, Nick?!" Colleen questioned, her voice filled with confusion and amusement.

"Does anyone realize we have a BIG problem here?!" Brian interrupted, his face red with anger.

"Correction:  you have a big problem.  WE don't have a problem.  We aren't the ones that killed an angel.  And besides, you deserve to go to hell... you killed me.  Did we forget that?" Colleen spat.

"Ewww, Col, you got spit all over my face," I whined, wiping her saliva on my pants. 

I was about to cry again but then I heard a tiny voice from beneath me.

"Nick, are you sitting on someone?" Brian asked.

"Oh God I hope not!" I got up as quick as lightning on a stormy night. Cause I really did not want to be crushing anyone.

Beneath me was a tiny mouse.

"Hi mousie!" I screamed, picking it up and holding it for everyone to see.

"Oh noooo, oh noooo," Colleen began to moan but we all ignored her. I was sick of her premonitions.

"I have come to take Brian," squeaked the mouse.

"NOOOO SAVE MEEEEE!" Brian cried, as the mouse began to drag him away.

"I'll save you Brian!" I said bravely, reaching out to grab his arm.

But then I thought of the teeth the mouse might have and started to cry instead. "I tried Brian… I TRIED," I said through streaming tears.

And we saw Brian no more.

Now it was just the three of us.  Me and Colleen. Oh yeah, and Sophia. The three of us.  We were very nervous... who knew who would be next.  But I had a feeling it was Sophia.  She was by far the most evil of the 3.

"Col, who was that mousy guy?" I whimpered.

"The devil," she said solemnly. "I knew it from the very moment I saw him. But no one ever listens to me."

This was true, and we all felt bad.

"Well in the mean time... where's the nail filer, Nick?" Sophia asked.

With that said, I let out a loud burp, and smiled sweetly.

"No, Nick... you DIDN'T!"

"I was hungry.  Purgatory only supplies 3 meals a day... you know that's not enough for me, Sophia.  You know that."

"Ugh, fat pig," I heard her mutter under her breath.  "As if you need more blubber."

My lower lip trembled, as I began to cry for the millionth time today. 

"Aww, you poor baby," Col said softly, wrapping her arms around me.  "Sophia, why did u have to say that?  You know he is very sensitive about his weight."

"Uh oh... I'm.. I'm going to hell aren't I?" Sophia asked fearfully.

"I think so," Colleen nodded sadly.  "Sorry Sophia, it was nice knowing you."

"It was not nice knowing you for me!" I cried out, still upset. "I don't have blubber! You, you whore!"

"NICK! What if you go to hell now?" Colleen said.

I started to pray.  3 Hail Mary's and I was forgiven.

Sophia, however, was headed for hell.

Suddenly a seahorse began to float towards Sophia.

"Col," she whispered, "is this an angel too?"

"Sophia, no.... it will be something from the underworld."

"SHITTTTT SHITT YOU MOTHER FUCKER NOOOOO!"

"Sophia, Sophia," I shook my head sadly. "Now you'll be in hell forever.  Don't curse.  It will only make it worse."

Then I realized that I had just rhymed. "Oh my God, I AM A GENIUS!"

"YOU stupid dumbass.  You are the stupidest asshole I know!  I hate you, I hate you, I-" she was about to say more but the seahorse pulled her away.  And Sophia was no more.

"It's just you and me Col," I said smartly. "Just the two of us."

"Yes, Nick, just the two of us"

"Who will be next?"

"It all depends, Nick… we have to be very careful with what we do and say."

I nodded, beginning to cry again, knowing my next word could be my last.  And I finally had Colleen.  Finally.  And yet... how long would it last?

"I confess... I am scared, Nick.  I would rape you right now, but I'd be taken off to hell for it."

"It would be wanted rape, of course," I sighed.  "But I wouldn't want you being taken off to hell for it.  I'd be quite lonely."

"Oh my - umm - fishy, I have an awesome idea!" she shouted with excitement.

"Lets hear it."

"Alright.  We go to God and we ask him very nicely to let us into heaven."

"How do we find God, Col?" I wondered, not seeing where she was going with this extraordinary idea of hers.  Nope, I did not see the point at all.  It's like the game of solitaire... completely pointless.

"I think we have to knock 3 times on that big, white door over there."

I looked over to the door that stood 7 foot 50 million, and my eyes grew wide.  I could've sworn I heard the angels singing.  Music to my ears...

"You really think God will listen to us, Col? He is a very busy man."

"It's worth a shot," she whispered, taking me by the hand and creeping over to the door.

She gave the door 3 swift knocks, and I added a fourth one for good measure.

"Nick, you asshole! We're only supposed to knock 3 times!  You ruined everything, you stupid piece of work!" she shrieked, causing me to start crying once again.

"Ohhhh noooo," she cried out.  "I'm going to hell now!"

With that said, an orange octopus appeared before us. 

"I love you Nick, and if it wasn't for your stupidity, we could've lived in heaven together... doing God knows what," she grinned, as she let the octopus take her by the hand.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I yelped.

"Now I'll have to screw Brian, aww well."  She gave me one little wave before vanishing beneath the surface.  And, well, she was no more.  She had insulted me and now she had to slave away in the land down under.

"Hey!  That reminds me of a song!"

"I come from the land down under, da da da, fa fa fa," I sang, snapping my fingers to the beat.

"Holy - "

I stopped short, realizing that what I was about to say would send me straight to hell.

"Cow! I'm all by myself!" I shouted, happily. I began to do cartwheels across the floor, as I rid myself of my clothes, running around in all my glory.  This is what I call bliss.

I stopped short, my brain beginning to grasp the idea of being alone.  I began to cry.

"Nick... Nick Carter?  Son, come to the big, white door please."

"Who is this?"

"This is God, you idiot.  Now, please, come to the door.  But put some clothes on first, man.  You're freaking the heaven out of us up here."

I quickly wiped away my tears, throwing my clothes back on.  I walked slowly to the door, waiting for God to speak again.

"What do I do now, God?"

"Open the door." 

I did as I was told.  My eyes were met with a bunch of white fluffy things and a lot of weird colored lights. 

"Can I go in?"

"Sure you can, Nick.  You've earned it!"

"Yessss!" I exclaimed, immediately jumping on top of one of those white fluffy things. 

"Holy shamrocks!  It's cotton candy!"  I took a big handful of it, and shoved it into my mouth.

"Mmmmm, yummy."

Once I'd swallowed my second piece, a bolt of lightning flashed across the sky.  God is on his way… and he looks a little mad.

"Niiiiicccckkkkkkkk!"