Happy Fucking Turkey Day

Nick picked up the turkey and looked at it skeptically. It slipped through his fingers, because it was wet, and it fell onto the floury floor with a wet smack. He bit his lip and quickly picked it up and placed it back onto the platter he'd picked it up from.

Wiping his hands off on the front of his egg covered apron, he looked around the kitchen to make sure no one had seen him.

No one was there, at the moment, and hadn't seen, thank God, he thought, glaring at the huge 20 pound turkey in front of him.

He didn't know why he'd agreed to cook the turkey. He didn't even know how to cook, but no one knew that. He just wanted to try it, just once.

It was a mammoth of a turkey. Kevin had picked it out the previous day through special order. Said it was from somewhere in Texas or something.

Did they have huge mutant turkey farms in Texas? Nick wondered staring at the turkey.

"I bet I could fit my whole head in that thing, if I tried." Nick mused cocking his head to the side. "But, Kevin would probably kill me if I did that." He frowned but after a few seconds his face broke into a wide smile.

"Ducky! Ducky, c'mere! I need you to help me with something." Josh always did things that Nick didn't want to do, regardless of how stupid they were. It was amazing how stupid he was. Even more so than Nick.

"Puppy!" An excited squeal and then a blur ran and slid into the kitchen. The blur skidded and fell on his face, for Kevin had waxed the floor earlier, and Josh was just wearing socks. "Ow!"

Nick giggled loudly watching Josh stand up and rub his knee before straightening up. "That was funny."

Josh glared at Nick. "Shut up. What'd you want? I was watching Rugrats and it was at a real good part. You're making me miss it." He pouted.

Nick's eyes widened. "Oh, no! I'm so sorry! I didn't know they were on now." He nibbled on his bottom lip. "Where's Kevin and Alex?"

Josh's face screwed up into a confused pucker. "Uh..."

Nick waited patiently staring at Josh.

"They're in...the bathroom grouting the tiles in the shower. I think..." Josh didn't sound so sure, and as he scratched his head, Nick sighed.

"As long as they're not in here. Ok, so like...it only takes what? 20 minutes to cook a turkey, right?"

Josh stared at Nick and then at the turkey. "I thought it took like 5 minutes. I mean, they have microwaves that can cook food in like seconds." He shrugged.

Nick chewed thoughtfully on his bottom lip. "You're right. I don't think it'd take that long in the microwave." He'd already forgotten about asking Josh to stick his head into the turkey to see if it would house a human head.

"You think that'd fit in the microwave? It's kinda big..." He trailed off and looked up at Josh who had picked up a knife and was gazing at the bright splashes of light that sparkled from the overhead lights onto the blade.

"Huh?" Josh looked up, dropping the knife.

"The turkey's not gonna fit in that little microwave....or is it?" He picked up the turkey by the wings and walked to the microwave. "Come and help me. I think if we like push real hard that it'll fit. I can set it for like 5 minutes and it should be done by then, 'cause microwaves take a lot less time than an oven does."

Josh followed Nick and helped him try to push the turkey into the tiny microwave. After a couple of hard pushes, they both stopped.

"I don't think it's gonna fit, Puppy. What do we do now? Kevin and Alex are expecting turkey for Thanksgiving and we like don't have one." He looked scared and confused as he stared from the turkey to Nick.

Josh dropped his hands from the turkey and so did Nick. When they did, the turkey slid out of the microwave and fell onto the floor.

"No! Oh no! Not again! What'll we do now? Wait, hurry, pick it up! 5 second rule!" Nick and Josh quickly picked up the turkey and headed back to the platter with it. They let it drop with a loud wet thud and stood back trying to think of something to do. They knew they'd be in deep shit with Kevin and Alex for not having the turkey done.

Both men stood there for 5 full minutes and stared at the turkey.

"Hey! Aren't you supposed to like, stuff the turkey with uh something?" Josh finally said, pulling at his shirt.

"Oh yeah! Uh...bread crumbs or something?" Nick didn't know, he'd never done this before.

Josh nodded in agreement and they both set to work on ripping up pieces of bread to put inside the turkey. They didn't know this would be so easy.

They'd ripped apart a whole loaf of bread and dropped the pieces into a bowl beside the turkey in 10 minutes, before they decided that was enough and that they'd better hurry and stuff it.

"Ok, so I'm going to stuff this inside the turkey," Nick said pointing at the bowl of bread pieces. "you can like...uh...." He scratched his head staring blankly at Josh.

"I can..." Josh didn't know what he was supposed to do either. "Well, I could use the pretty shiny knife thingy and cut stuff?"

Nick knew that Kevin said to never let Josh play with knives but at that point, Nick didn't really care, because he was in a hurry and needed all the help he could get. Kevin had only agreed to let him try and cook the meal because Nick begged and pleaded with him to let him do it. He'd never let him do anything again, if Nick failed at this.

Of course, Kevin hadn't really put up much of a fight when Nick had asked. Alex had whispered something into his ear and then they'd taken off upstairs. Kevin had called down that he could do anything he wanted, that he and Alex were going to grout the tiles in the shower, or something.

They seemed to grout the tiles a lot.

"Ok."

And so they set to work. Nick quickly shoving handfulls of bread crumbs into the rump of the turkey and Josh cutting 'stuff' with the pretty shiny knife.

"Oh shit!"

"Uh oh, Puppy, you said a bad word, Kevin'll punish you." Josh scolded, stopping his cutting of the table cloth.

"Fuck that, dude, my watch came off in this thing! Help me!" Nick looked into the turkey trying to see his watch, but not seeing anything because of all the bread he'd stuffed in there.

"Hey, Ducky, look in here and see if you can see it."

Josh walked to the other side where Nick was, and bent down to look inside the turkey.

"I don't see anything..." He moved closer, his face just a few inches from the turkey. "Maybe I could like stick my head in and look? It's like totally big enough for me to do that."

Nick's eyes lit up and he finally remembered why he'd asked Josh into the kitchen in the first place. If Josh did that, he'd be killing 2 birds with one stone. It would get Nick's watch back and it would fascinate and kill his curiosity.

"Yeah. Go for it. Couldn't hurt."

Josh pulled out handfulls of bread, but still saw nothing, and slowly eased his head inside the large bird's ass. When he was finally all the way in, he tried to look, but it was really dark in there. He couldn't feel a watch though.

"Puppy, I don't see nothin'. What's it look like?" Came Josh's muffled voice from inside the turkey.

"Uh...it had 2 stick thingies that moved when the time changed. And umm...it had a gold band..." Nick wasn't really sure what his watch looked like.

"Ok." Josh was silent a few minutes and then one of his hands pushed its way inside with his head so that he could feel around in there for it.

"Aaahhhh!" Josh's muffled scream echoed around the kitchen as he brought his hand back out, and tried to pull the turkey off his head.

"Get it off! Get it off me now!" He screeched, desperately trying to pull it off, and standing up.

"Hold still. What's wrong?" Nick asked, trying to calm Josh down so that he could pull the turkey off of him.

"Something moved in here! There's something in here with me! Oh my God, get this friggin' turkey off my head! Something's trying to kill me in here!"

Nick's face went blank and then he doubled over as he giggled insanely. "Ducky....hehe....there couldn't be nothin' in there....hehee...with you. It's a turkey, silly."

"But there is! It moved! It touched my face! Get this turkey off of me!" Josh began to run wildly and blindly around the kitchen, running into counters and kitchen cabinets, knocking things off onto the floor.

Nick just knew Josh was creating enough noise that Alex and Kevin would hear them and stop grouting the tiles and come in there and punish them for screwing up Thanksgiving.

"Please, Ducky, be quiet! Do you want Kevin and Alex to hear you?" Nick ran after Josh, trying to grab the flailing man.

"But, it's in here!" Josh was crying by that point, and Nick just knew that he was getting snot all over the inside of the turkey.

Josh ran and crashed into the wall hard, falling on his ass, and creating a loud noise that Nick was sure that Kevin and Alex heard.

Nick was sure Kevin was going to beat his ass for this.

He skidded to a stop behind Josh and bent down grabbing the turkey with both hands. He tugged on the turkey and it finally dislodged from Josh's head.

Josh's hair was covered in turkey juice and soggy shredded bread and he was crying.

"Did you find my watch?" Nick asked anxiously.

Josh sniffled loudly. "No."

Nick frowned and dropped the turkey onto the counter as he thought of where his watch could've gone, and that was when a very disheveled Kevin stormed into the room with just a towel around his hips, dripping wet from head to toe.

"Nickolas, Joshua, what in the hell was that noise?" He stopped suddenly, his jaw dropping at the huge mess in the kitchen. "What the fuck did you do to my kitchen? I just cleaned it this morning!" He stared down at Josh, who was still sitting on the floor crying, and then at Nick who was picking at the skin on his fingers nervously.

Alex walked in a few seconds later, in pretty much the same condition as Kevin, he just had a pair of sweatpants on instead of the towel.

"Whoa. What the hell happened to this place? Looks like a fuckin' tornado hit it." He looked around the room and whistled softly.

Kevin glared at both of the two who were responsible for the mess. "Explain, you two." His large hands settled on his hips and his waited impatiently for either of them to start talking.

"Uh well...you see-"

"It was all Puppy's fault-"

They both started at the same time.

"Hey! It was NOT my fault!"

"Yes it was! You made me stick my head in the turkey to look for your dang ol' watch! And I didn't even find anything! Plus that thing was in there with me and it spit in my eye!"

"I didn't make you do anything!"

Alex's eyebrows rose and he started laughing so hard he would've fallen had he not flopped down into a nearby chair.

Kevin chose to ignore Alex's amusement of the situation and he glared at both young men in turn. "You put your HEAD in the turkey, Josh? Nick, you wanted him to do this? What the hell was your watch doing in the turkey in the first place?"

"Uh...well, I sorta...was stuffing the turkey and...and it came off in there I guess...cause when I pulled my hand out it wasn't there anymore. So, I called Ducky in here to like...get it. His head got stuck." Nick shrugged innocently, his blue eyes wide with fear.

Kevin tapped his foot. "Nickolas Gene." Was all he managed to growl out.

"I think what he means is, is that you two know better than to do shit like this. What the hell was going through your mind Nick? No, wait, don't answer that. Nothing was in your mind, now was it?" Nick's lower lip trembled. "Don't give me the lip, Junior, you did this to yourself."

"Yeah. He did it." Josh stuck his tongue out at Nick and stood up, shaking the bread crumbs from his hair and clothes.

"You two will both clean this mess up." Kevin's deep voice said softly. "The turkey's not even cooked, Nick, why didn't you cook it?"

"Well, I was going to, but it wouldn't fit in the microwave, so me and Ducky figured we should just like stuff it with the stuff and then figure that out later."

Kevin's eyes rolled up and he stared at the ceiling with his arms out-stretched and his palms upright. "God, why me? Why punish me with these dumb asses? What did I ever do?" He took a hand and brought it up to his forehead. "Shit, my head hurts."

Alex stood up and went to Kevin, putting his hands on the older man's shoulders. "It's okay, Kev, they'll clean this shit up. Lemme go help you with that headache. I'm sure there's something I can...do that'll make you feel better." Alex's voice was thick with promise and sexual inuendos as he led Kevin from the room.

"You two, clean that shit up." Alex said as they walked out the door and down the hall.

Nick sighed and so did Joshua.

"Now, I'm gonna miss the whole episode. Thanks a lot, Nick." Josh scowled.

"Shut up." Nick looked around the room at the mess and then he bit his lip as he remembered something.

"Shit." he said.

"What?" Josh asked.

"I just remembered." he sat down at the stool behind the counter and buried his head in his crossed arms.

Josh moved closer. "Remembered?"

Nick sighed, his shoulders moving beneath his soiled shirt. "I wasn't wearing a watch."

Kevin's loud moan of exasperation echoed into the kitchen from down the hallway. "Happy mother fucking Turkey day to me."

THE END